The central problem with BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

I can feel one thing and have the opposite reflected back at me by BPDw.

I can feel real, genuine warmth and empathy towards BPDw and be told that I don't care and I’m cold and distant in the same breath.

I can validate pretty well now but unless I feel the same as BPDw about something, it doesn’t work.  I can do “S” & “E” but “T” is just not allowed in our relationship unless it is BPDw’s truth.

I’m not perfect but I'm ok about that. I like myself, I’m warm and caring, I like people, I have patience, I'm loyal, I can forgive and forget and move on.

I have the opposite of what I am and how I feel reflected back at me by my life partner every day. I can tell BPDw how I feel about something and however warmly I feel I can be told I have my "facts" wrong. Its not just absence of validation its the total invalidation.

I feel a huge huge need to be recognised for who I really am with my life partner. I doubt whether it will ever happen.

Has anyone found a solution to this ?

[bpbreakout]

I can feel one thing and have the opposite reflected back at me by BPDw.

I can feel real, genuine warmth and empathy towards BPDw and be told that I don't care and I’m cold and distant in the same breath.

I can validate pretty well now but unless I feel the same as BPDw about something, it doesn’t work.  I can do “S” & “E” but “T” is just not allowed in our relationship unless it is BPDw’s truth.

I’m not perfect but I'm ok about that. I like myself, I’m warm and caring, I like people, I have patience, I'm loyal, I can forgive and forget and move on.

I have the opposite of what I am and how I feel reflected back at me by my life partner every day. I can tell BPDw how I feel about something and however warmly I feel I can be told I have my "facts" wrong. Its not just absence of validation its the total invalidation.

I feel a huge huge need to be recognised for who I really am with my life partner. I doubt whether it will ever happen.

Has anyone found a solution to this ?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[rg1976]

A solution: Not exactly...

I lived in the same situation for 3 years and it is extremely invalidating. I tried everything I knew to have my sincere emotions felt by my upwBPD.  However, she always found some evidence to justify her emotions as a reflection of reality.  It was not actual reality, but it was her reality.

This made me more determined to prove my true feelings/intentions/sincerity to her. Nothing worked. I had to simply resign myself that I couldn't change her thought or feelings or convince her of the truth of my sincerity. I had to either accept it/her as-is or not.

I accepted it and her and tried to not take things personally. I did however seek outside emotional support from people I knew had my best interest at heart. This was, however, a betrayal according to her, as she should be my sole source of emotional support. I tried, and found myself isolated and controlled. My emotional state became a reflection of how she decided to treat me. Did I feel bad or good? All up to her and how she deemed to year me at that particular moment.

No matter what I did, no matter how much I loved her, I was always labeled as not meeting her needs, or not doing something correctly. My needs? When I brought them up it was "attacking her" or telling her "she was a piece of ****" - it made her feel bad/worse. My focus was always on her to my own detriment.

Unfortunately, the reality of the situation is that I became a trigger for her and she broke up with me and I still try to have a relationship with her. Our interactions are mostly negative now. It isn't productive or healthy. There is nothing I can do to fix the situation with her. I can only work on myself. I've just gotten to the point where I realize I am okay.

You can't fix the situation (their thoughts), so accept it or not. Either way it won't really make much of a difference to your pwBPD. You can only change how you feel about the situation. However, over time it will continue to wear you down. I'm sorry this is the way it is. I know it's discouraging.

I'm extremely sad that this is the case and I wish there were a way I could reach and connect with my pwBPD. I would and have given up years of my life, friendships, and time with my children to convince her she is truly loved despite her issues and struggles. Did it get me anywhere? Nope. It wasn't even recognized. She still doesn't believe I love her.

There is no easy answer here. BPD is an intimacy issues at the core. It's like trying to have a healthy reciprocal adult relationship with a 3 year old. It doesn't work. Are these people worth loving? Yes! Absolutely! Are there good times? Some of the best! Is it nearly impossible to sustain a relationship with them? Unfortunately, yes. A person can only tolerate a one-sided emotional relationship for so long.

[Sugarlily]

I've read some scientific research that suggests that people with BPD are much more sensitive to emotions expressed through body language and facial expressions. So they will pick up on a small amount of irritation or anger when someone without BPD wouldn't register the feeling. Also neutral body language and facial expressions are often negatively seen as cold and distant.

I guess sometimes when are feeling loving and caring towards our partners we may also be holding what to us is a small amount of hurt or anger or irritation and they read that and it negates what we are saying.

I also read that because of this sensitivity writing a simple validation letter or note can help and be read without picking up any negative facial or body information. I've tried this with my bf in the past and it has been really effective, he also rereads the notes, cards, letters when he is struggling. It also helps because he cannot forget or misremember what is written down. At times doing this has stopped a problem or prevented him getting upset about something because he is clear on what I think and when starts getting worked up again he can self sooth by reading the letter.

[Tired_Dad]

I wish I could get that to work. Unfortunately for me anything that is written by me or anyone esle to her is always taken in the most negative way possible. Her internal voice reads neutral and even positive messages, texts, or email as controlling or derogatory. Something in the BPD brain seems to need conflict and for my spouse any message to her that doesn't fit the script that she wants to see is viewed as negative.

[waverider]

I've read some scientific research that suggests that people with BPD are much more sensitive to emotions expressed through body language and facial expressions. So they will pick up on a small amount of irritation or anger when someone without BPD wouldn't register the feeling. Also neutral body language and facial expressions are often negatively seen as cold and distant.

pwBPD can have very acute sensors, they can pick up minute attitudes and nuances, mainly because they never stop searching for them. They have great memories that can accurately capture snap shots and quotes. The real issue is that the glue/cohesiveness/interpretations is severely compromised. This means they jump to wrong conclusions because that part is being supplied by themselves and slanted towards how they want/expect these signs to mean.

Same with historical recollections they can accurately cut and paste quotes and recollections into their own script to rewrite that past to suit the mood/need of the day. To make this even more difficult they believe this truth. The reason is they are not that interested in anyone else's truth so they rarely remember things in their true context.