Same things over and over - I don't feel strong enough?

[mimitray]

It's been a while since I've returned to these forums (or similar BPD forums) but I find that the cycle always brings me back. And it always boils down to the same issue and it makes me feel ashamed that I still haven't "figured out the answer" or mastered "how to deal with it".

I have a sister who exhibits what others have said are very much similar to BPD--she's never been formally diagnosed as far as I know because she hasn't been willing to see a mental health clinician of any sort in over 3-4 years. What initially started as depression post break-up with a boyfriend quickly began to come something more over the years. In the beginning, I have to admit that I played into the behaviors without knowing what I was really doing - all I wanted to do was to stick up for my sister and defend her. She had her first suicide attempt about 4 years ago, and several other attempts came after that. The major trigger is always the boyfriend attempting to break off the relationship with her. I am unclear as to the boyfriend's mental health status - I only ever hear about their relationship when he breaks up with her (I never hear about when they get back together). She was only hospitalized for the first of her suicide attempts - to my knowledge. I have had to call the police on her multiple times but I feel as if she's been through the process so often now that she knows the "right answers" so that the police have no legal premise to escort her to a hospital.

About two years ago was when it got really bad, when she began to threaten to kill herself when I didn't do what she wanted. In fear, I got too involved in it all (and even now, I'm an enabler, I get too involved) - she wants me to text the boyfriend I do, she wants me to call I do, she wants to take my phone away from me - I give it to her. I get so afraid that I'm going to lose her, that I'm that last thread of hope and if I don't do what she tells me to do then I will be the one at fault for her death.

She and her ex-boyfriend have broken up and gotten back together multiple times over the past 5 years.

It's only been 4 months since their last "break-up" and I'm so, so tired. I feel like I can't deal with it anymore. But I can't ever say anything back. She started off the conversation as if the boyfriend owed her money for breaking her car door and for living in her apartment w/o having to pay rent. I got the feeling that they were going through another break-up but after confronting the boyfriend about the money, I got confirmation that he was breaking it off with her (again). And she won't let it go - she works herself into this circle:

About him needing to keep his word, keep his promise to her. She says she only wants him to pay back the money but then she goes on about "what she's done wrong" and how "she doesn't deserve this" and how "he needs to talk to her". That she would be happy if he were just to talk to her. And I get dragged along with it because I'm too afraid of her cutting me out again, I'm too afraid of her screaming at me that she'll die because of me.

I know I have to rehearse a response, I know I shouldn't be at her beck and call but I can't bring myself to break this cycle. I feel like even my therapist(s) that I've seen are growing tired of me and my lack of progress, lack of strength.

Does anyone else ever feel this way?

[finchfeather]

Hi mimitray

I can really relate to your frustration with the endlessness of dealing with a pwBPD and their cycles of chaos. I'm sorry that things are so hard for you right now. The last part of your post sounded really familiar to me, too, because I have a very hard time breaking away from the family systems that have grown up around the pwBPD in my family. Going with the flow seems so much easier sometimes, even though I know it comes at the expense of my own mental health. It's hard for me to remember that my feelings matter, that I deserve care and attention, and that if I'm being treated badly, I don't need to just take it. I'm used to getting hurt, I'm used to all of the family crap falling on me, and sometimes it just feels like less work to take on a little more of it. Lately, though, I have been trying to stand up for myself more, because absorbing all of the family stuff is starting to weigh me down and destroy me.

I want to offer this in case it helps: your needs are worth just as much as your sister's. You have a right to your own feelings, thoughts, and life independent of what she wants and needs. You don't have to put her want or needs first unless you want to.

My pwBPD isn't prone to suicide threats, so I can't speak to that, much, but I know that the Essential Family Guide to BPD does cover that in some detail - if you haven't read that book yet, you might want to check it out, or go back to that chapter for some help on how to handle those threats. Is that something that you're already discussing with your therapists? They may have some good strategies for handling that as well.

One thing that's been helpful for me is the idea that the more that I reward a behavior that I don't like (with time, attention, money, whatever) the more the pwBPD will do the behavior, because the message that I'm sending is, "That works! Do it more!" That was a big realization for me one of the last times that I was really stuck. It helped me commit to trying some different things instead of what I have always done. Plus, what I had been doing definitely wasn't working! So that also helped me try something different, because what the heck, even if it didn't work, I wouldn't be any worse off than I was before I tried it.

Have you thought about taking a break from interacting with your sister so that you can get some time to think about what you want, apart from what she's asking of you? I'm thinking that one way to respond might be to let her know that you need some time to think things through, and that you'll contact her in (a week, a month, a while) when you're ready to discuss things with her. That might give you time to sort out what you do and don't want to be involved with as far as her situation with her boyfriend and give you some time to just recover from all of the drama.

I'm glad you're here and I hope that things get better for you soon. 

[funfunctional]

Gently back away and let her handle her own issues with boyfriend.  You may be enabling her.   I would simply say to her that she has to work the issues out with him but don't take action.   You can listen but just say "sorry to hear".

I think that she needs to realize she is in unhealthy relationship.  A good relationship will bring the best out in people and they have a chance at healing.

A bad relationship will really bring out any mental illness issues in someone.   Sounds like this person in your sister's life is bringing out the worst.

Good luck & I understand the cycle.  We are all guilty of it until we figure out how to make the emotional break and let people own their own stuff.

[yogibear60]

Hi:  Yikes, I am so sorry to hear about your situation.  Such a cycle of abuse.  I was trained for suicide prevention and worked a crisis line.  I want to share some of the script that I used...  Of course, this may not be perfect but it is important to mean what you say what you mean...  So here goes.

I want to kill myself:  "I believe you and know that you must be in deep despair.  I need to stand in your way.  I need to call emergency services.  (if you can at this point, use another phone to call EMS)  " I am not going to let you go until I know there is support for you"

If you can't get to another phone.  Tell her that you are going to make that call and you will call her right back.  (I use to work two cells phones, one on each ear.  I wanted the suicidal individual to know exactly that I meant what I said and took the threat very seriously.)  

Should she not answer the phone when you call back, call the EMS back and tell them that you have lost contact and that you are very worried.  This is the hard part, you need to take a deep breath and let the professional do their work.  It doesn't matter is she is savvy on the system.  You need to stay constant with what you can do.  Notice I said can do... you have stood in her way  .what you can't do is fix her.

I will kill myself if you don't do this or that:  "All I CAN do is focus on  your  have threat to hurt yourself and I need to stand in your way"  "I am very scared for you"  Try to stay away from you doing anything and redirect the conversation back to her and your concern for her safety.  

I want you to come be with me:  "I will come but only to see that you are safely in the care of people who can help you through this... ."  If you do go over and she refuses their help... .you need to leave with the EMS.  Saying, I am so glad that you feel safe enough not to accept services.  I need to get back to my job, kids, whatever.  Research has shown over and over again that if someone really wants to take their own life... .nothing is going to stop them.


I know this sounds kind of cold but if you consistently keep to the "script" and she will push the "boundaries"  trust me, she will push.  It is completely normal behavior to push boundaries and it completely normal to expect that her behavior will escalate before it goes down...  (not in killing herself but in numbers of calls to you, perhaps rage?)

I agree with another blogger who wondered if you were not enabling your sister.  You are doing things only a kind, loveling devoted sister would do but I fear this is beyond love.  Best wishes to you... .