Trying to pick up the pieces ...

[MommaBear]

Today I'm feeling broken.

I don't usually. Most of the time I'm numb, or angry, or feeling as though I've gotten through the worst of it. Some optimism sneaks in, and I think the worst is over.

Then things like this weekend happen.

Moved out some of my stuff, and came across the memory box of our wedding things. It's funny how something I thought wouldn't affect me just reduced me to tears for a solid hour.

I wasn't upset about him, or his "love". I was remembering how HORRIBLE my wedding was. The way he did NOTHING to help with the planning, and how his family made a bunch of drunken imbeciles of themselves, humiliating me beyond repair.

As the bride, I probably shouldn't have expected the day to be in any way about me or *us* as a couple. Oh, heavens no! Their insane issues had to take the center stage. Along with his issues, and a ton of other crap.

To make matters worse, all this weekend he was gaslighting, saying hurtful things, insulting me, and jerking around the details of our custody agreement.

He's weak, and scared. That's what I realized, I married a scared little 8 year old boy. This is so humiliating. I was duped, and I feel like an idiot for marrying this big, immature man-baby. How could I have been so blind?

So now all the other things come flooding back to me. Maybe I'm not so attractive? Maybe I'm a terrible cook, and I'm a crummy mom, and not terribly bright. Maybe I'm just a fraud? Maybe there's really nothing good about me. The things he said this weekend were absolutely horrible, and it's obvious to me that he enjoys seeing me hurt, in pain, and gets a genuine sense of delight in it. He laughs, and smiles, and looks thrilled to see me so wounded.

His replacement / next victim is feeding his need for validation, so he's on fire right now with tearing me apart.

He distorted our entire relationship, and blamed me for everything wrong with him.

I did get a little glimmer of hope, however. Some mutual friends saw him this weekend and asked what was wrong with him. I didn't know what they meant. Seems they think a man his age sporting a new punk hair style and wearing clothes a teenage skateboarder would wear is quite hysterical to them. I didn't provoke this little gem, they just asked me if he was going through some kind of early midlife crisis and I had no idea what they meant until they told me this.

His new victim / replacement is quite a but younger, you see, so he needs to mirror accordingly. LOL!

I still feel terrible, and my self-esteem has taken a beating once again, but it's good to know other people see the change in him and think he's lost his mind. Felt good to know I wasn't alone.

Anyway, treat me with a bit of extra care today, family. I'm weepy and uncertain I'm good for anything right now. I need some encouragement.

[OutOfEgypt]

Hi MommaBear,

I'm sorry.  I still have days like that sometimes.  Sometimes things get to me.  But it gets better.  They happen less, or our recovery is quicker.

I'm with you... .sometimes I remember good times, but by and large I wonder how I could have married someone who is basically an "evil little 3 year old in an adult's body" (thanks MWC, I have to quote that over and over because it fits so well).

I can't comment on the skateboard clothing, because that's how I dress.  Haha.  Except, I will never wear skinny jeans.  Ugh.  No self-respecting man should wear skinny jeans, in my honest opinion.

Sometimes I think back to my wedding, as well. I found some pictures recently.  My youngest daughter wanted to keep the picture, but it brought back so many memories.  I was so naive.  I thought things went so well, but for the remaining years of our marriage I never lived down how we "never had a *real* wedding."  I remember even bringing her home bridal magazines (years after we were married) so she could look at dresses and things for *her* "big day".  Then she would sigh and complain how it will never happen.  I was part of the problem that took away her big day, the day she really always dreamed of.  Blah blah blah.

Sometimes I still have flashbacks and it really hurts to remember so many terrible things and terrible situations, and how for years I really believed it was because I wasn't enough.  She "never had this problem with any of the other men she's been with."  Or she told some of her guy friends about my "problems" and they told her that I should just "man up."  Sleeping on a trundle bed in my daughter's room because she "needed space", or "wanted the whole bed," or because I "kept her up" (actually she kept me up), yet she would text me in the middle of the night after she watched porn for a few hours and masturbated to see if I wanted to come down and finish her off.  Sometimes she did that after masturbating on the phone with other men.

Anyway, I'm rambling a bit.  I'm just sorry to hear that you are hurting.  Crying is good, though.  It really is.  It clarifies, to you, who you are and what you've been through when you let yourself experience the pain and anger.  It will pass, and you will stand up again... .a little stronger than before, a little deeper, a little clearer on who you are and what you want in life, a little wiser, a little more compassionate.

[Caramel]

Dear MommaBear

I'm so sorry that you are going through a storm. I'm sending a big hug from far away lands or maybe from the house next door! 

You are not alone. A lot of us on here have gone through the same thing. My ex and I did not get married but when I think back he created a drama on all of our special occasions. Birthdays, Christmas, New Year, Valentines. He actually dumped me on Valentine's day. And he blamed me for everything.

Relationship with pwBPD have to end like this. It is a disorder. It's not our fault. It has been there before we entered their lives. And it will most likely be the same for all the victims coming after us. There was not anything we could do to change it.

Do not believe everything that he says about you. That's his defense mechanism to cope with his disorder. Healthy people don't go around humiliating others. "How we make others feel says a lot about us!"

Whoever we are, attractive/ not attractive, good cook/ bad cook, good mum/ crummy mum, terribly bright/ not terribly bright, we all deserve to be respected unconditionally. That is a universal rule!

"Love" and "Respect" yourself and expect everyone to do the same. That is what I'm learning to do for myself in therapy. Accepting myself, my feelings, my thoughts, my flaws with no judgment. It's OK to be sad. It's OK to cry, to get angry, to become jealous, etc.

"Think of your feelings and inner knowing as an actual child; your inner child. If you had an actual child and you wanted to raise that child to feel very secure, loved and valued, how would you treat that child? How do you wish you had been treated as a child? This is how you need to treat yourself now if you want to become a self validating person."

MommaBear, if you need to cry, cry. Let it all out. When you are finished, do something nice for yourself. Show yourself some kindness and love.

Forgive yourself for the past mistakes. Celebrate your new healthy life with your kids. Show your kids that momma is not kicked! 

We are all here for you. 

We will get through this together.

[seeking balance]

I am sorry you feel broken mommabear.  Some days are harder than others 

What I can tell you is this - commit to the process and there will be fewer and fewer broken days.  Then, one day, you wake up and realize - "hey, I am no longer broken".  It honestly will happen.

You are not alone - wedding albums, even the bad memories that come with the day - still pushes that button of "the dream" of the "love" we did feel.  We do not typically marry someone we do not love, so no matter how it ends or how bad it is - it is still a loss.

Be kind to you today... .maybe a massage or pedicure in your near future?

Peace,

SB

[SpringInMyStep]

Hi... .I'm sorry you're going through this. 

I am in week three of being separated from my wife and it feels a little weird. That must be hard for you having to deal with the kids and everything... .you can't just completely cut him out of your life.

Just remember that there is nothing wrong with you! This is what they do... .they make us think we're the crazy ones and that we did something wrong! We just tried to love them and they turned it around and blamed us for things without taking responsibility for their own mental illness.

Things will get better... .I think the more you can get things wrapped up and not have to see him so much, you'll start healing.

[MommaBear]

Hi MommaBear,

I'm sorry.  I still have days like that sometimes.  Sometimes things get to me.  But it gets better.  They happen less, or our recovery is quicker.

I'm with you... .sometimes I remember good times, but by and large I wonder how I could have married someone who is basically an "evil little 3 year old in an adult's body" (thanks MWC, I have to quote that over and over because it fits so well).

I can't comment on the skateboard clothing, because that's how I dress.  Haha.  Except, I will never wear skinny jeans.  Ugh.  No self-respecting man should wear skinny jeans, in my honest opinion.

Sometimes I think back to my wedding, as well. I found some pictures recently.  My youngest daughter wanted to keep the picture, but it brought back so many memories.  I was so naive.  I thought things went so well, but for the remaining years of our marriage I never lived down how we "never had a *real* wedding."  I remember even bringing her home bridal magazines (years after we were married) so she could look at dresses and things for *her* "big day".  Then she would sigh and complain how it will never happen.  I was part of the problem that took away her big day, the day she really always dreamed of.  Blah blah blah.

Sometimes I still have flashbacks and it really hurts to remember so many terrible things and terrible situations, and how for years I really believed it was because I wasn't enough.  She "never had this problem with any of the other men she's been with."  Or she told some of her guy friends about my "problems" and they told her that I should just "man up."  Sleeping on a trundle bed in my daughter's room because she "needed space", or "wanted the whole bed," or because I "kept her up" (actually she kept me up), yet she would text me in the middle of the night after she watched porn for a few hours and masturbated to see if I wanted to come down and finish her off.  Sometimes she did that after masturbating on the phone with other men.

Anyway, I'm rambling a bit.  I'm just sorry to hear that you are hurting.  Crying is good, though.  It really is.  It clarifies, to you, who you are and what you've been through when you let yourself experience the pain and anger.  It will pass, and you will stand up again... .a little stronger than before, a little deeper, a little clearer on who you are and what you want in life, a little wiser, a little more compassionate.

OOE, yours was bridezilla, mine was the idiot fratboy who saw the honeymoon as an excuse to take a vacation and little more. I think you got the female version of mine, because nothing was good enough for him either, even though he didn't plan the wedding!

As for the skater clothes, I hope I didn't offend you! You need to understand that until about 6 months ago, he wore a shirt and tie. Now he seems to be sporting some kind of wide mohawk/Miley Cyrus hybrid hair deal, and last Saturday I saw a kid of about 15 with a longboard get off the bus wearing the same T-shirt with the same logo my ex had on! I almost drove off the road I laughed so hard!

Thanks for sharing, OOE. Your words made me feel better 

[MommaBear]

Thanks everyone, for the kind words.

Yes, I know intellectually he's wrong, but sometimes the self esteem plummets yet again and I have to be reminded that it's a disorder, and that's just it. There is no *order*, no logic, no reasoning, and no justice to be had.

Worst of all, there will never be any recognition of the damage he caused, nor any closure from him. Closure has to come from me.

The worse he treats me, the more I realize how damaged he really is, and how much of a horrific time his new replacement will go through.

So I took your advice and went for a run. A big, hard, fast run on an incline. Speed, hill, mind-emptying bliss. Heart racing, blood rushing, feet pounding, hard breathing ... .suddenly all his words faded into nothingness and it was just me and my treadmill, working as one.

Then I lifted some weights. I missed doing that when I was with him, now I can do it again and I feel so strong and in control of myself. Love it. Form, control, pushing past your limits, but this time in a way that's meaningful. Feels incredible.

Cleared my head and now I'm ready to get back in the game. Still feeling a little low but all in all, much, much better. Thank you all for seeing me through this and giving me such great advice!