Questions I have after contacting her. I'm just... lost.

[projectBmode]

What I requested:

- uBPDex keep me up to date on everything related to the baby

- I can only visit him 2 weeks a year right now, given my vacation situation, and I asked that someone maybe briefly settle the baby in, then I'll get him for 3 hours the first day, eventually working up to having him for more or less the full day (working up an hour a day and not going beyond a time where he shows visible discomfort)

- No restrictions on who can visit with me (i.e. my parents and/or siblings can join me)

- This is about working towards him eventually having overnight rights with me and eventually having him in Canada for extended periods, since 2 weeks a year is no time at all (acknowledging that the ideal scenario is not feasible at his age, but that we'll work towards the ideal scenario with no definite timeline)

Note: she elected to bottle feed by the way, because the baby was unable to latch on within the first 12 hours for a full feed (only partial ones) and she insisted the midwife bring her formula because the baby was "starving"... .when she bottle feeds him she's constantly re-checking and measuring how much he's had and even when he rejects it she'll try and shove more  down his throat in fear of him starving

Her response

- About 2 pages written by the lawyer complaining how mean I am and how uncooperative and unconstructive I've been (none of it related to the baby and all things I intentionally avoided in my original outreach because they were irrelevant); in addition to being irrelevant the claims are embellished and false

- Insistence that uBPDex's mother supervise the entire time during contact, giving excuses like he needs colic medicine (first, I'm sure I can administer it, second, they were trying to give him colic medicine when he was one day old simply because he cried for 10 minutes straight at night [without any medical advice])

- Insistence I come alone, in fear he'll be "overwhelmed" by strangers; she invited 3 family members over when he was 5 days old and 2 friends over the day after and he was absolutely fine, so there's no evidence of him being "overwhelmed"

- Very specific times of day each day I can visit (they don't do anything all day other than watch the news, so this schedule is a bogus attempt to exercise power): Monday 10-1, Tuesday 10-1, Wednesday 4-6, Thursday 4:30-6, Friday no contact, Saturday 1-2... .etc. (I'm not flying across the Atlantic to be restricted to next to no visitation like this

- Constant reiteration that uBPDex's mother is "So generous" for being willing to facilitate all this contact and the illusion that they're doing me a big favour when really they're trying their hardest to inconvenience me

- A vague insistence that there are "many circumstances" where I should not be the next of kin if she can't take care of him

- It was almost comical because the letter said something to the tune of "There are no restrictions on where you can take the baby, such as local parks, but [uBPDex's mother] will accompany" then the VERY NEXT sentence says "[uBPDex's mother] wants to take a relaxed approach and not be overly intrusive

- The response acknowledges nothing past the first visit and does not acknowledge that we're working towards him eventually spending more time with me (the letter says "uBPDex wants the baby to have a relationship with his father" multiple times, but the actions it proposes indicate anything but encouraging a relationship)

- The letter is riddled with logical contradictions and "reasons" for each of her requests that lack ANY substantial evidence and are entirely based on speculation generated in (excuse the language) uBPDex's f**ked up little fantasy world

My lawyer's response

- She's trying to convince me to concede on these bogus claims that her mother needs to supervise, telling me I need to show that I'm making an effort to see him (is spending $5000 so far (and who knows what in the future) on legal fees and probably $5000 per a trip (me plus someone else)) not enough of an indication I'm making an effort?

- She's trying to convince me to not push so hard on my parents visiting because uBPDex claims I have no relationship with the baby and I need to establish one before my parents do; there's no evidence here that he'll be uncomfortable and I'm not travelling there alone and having her and her mother gang up on me with accusations of kidnapping and quite frankly, I'm afraid of being stabbed

- She's telling me to just accept that there are circumstances that I'm not next of kin and that if something happens to uBPDex (which isn't out of question, given her instability) I just need to get on a plane and plead my case (I'm certain at this stage I'll lose because I feel like the court will say "sorry, he knows his grandparents better than you"

Questions

- Any precedent situations people can point me to of being in different countries from a mother of your child who has BPD?

- Should I be pursuing a more aggressive lawyer or one who knows BPD better, or is she really doing all she can?

- Am I out of line with my requests? At the end of the day I'm saying I can only get to England 2 weeks a year with my current job and I'd like to spend time with my son without uBPDex's mother hovering the entire time (I understand being there for 15 or 20 minutes to make sure everything is ok), I'm asking that the baby's grandparents can see him, and I'm asking that if something happens to uBPDex, he's in my hands... .is that really that insane of a request in the eyes of the law? I'm working sleeplessly to start my own side business so I can eventually have more flexibility to work remotely and see the baby in the future

Since the psychologist told me any of these short visits in the first 2 years are basically a wash in the eyes of the baby, I'm more concerned with getting uBPDex to agree on paper to what we're working towards long term as opposed to fighting for the exact rules of the next visit (because that will require me to restart the fight every time I want to visit).

I'm just... .lost. The psychologist and the first lawyer (the Canadian one who referred me to the English one) are encouraging me to just make my payments and walk away. Now my mother and father are trying to encourage me to do the same because they don't want me constantly being heartbroken by how terrible uBPDex is being to me. I really can't do this and I really can't leave my son without having me as a lifeline with this band of lunatics.

I'm open to any and all advice regarding any aspect of what I've written. I'll stop there as I've written and novel and begun to tear up... .

[maxen]

hi projectB.

- Should I be pursuing a more aggressive lawyer or one who knows BPD better, or is she really doing all she can?

i'm going to suggest that yes, you should interview another lawyer. my situation isn't yours but i get the willies reading that your L is saying "give on this, give on that" esp. if you know the things you're being asked to concede are bogus; if once you say yes, it will be hard later to say the opposite.

perhaps some more experienced others will be by to comment.

[momtara]

Finding a lawyer experienced with BPD may be hard, but maybe you can find one experienced with mental health or with high conflict cases, or international cases or both.

I am sorry that you are restricted to so little time.  Seeing him unsupervised during that time is a good thing, though, and definitely something you want to push for. 

Since you are only with him 2 weeks of the year, maybe that's normal that you'd be supervised - I'm not sure.  That isn't a lot of time.  Can you try to be available more than 2 weeks a year?  Maybe one week every 3 months or something?  I'm a layman so I have no idea, but if you're almost never in his life, then that gives the other side more power.

Remember you can post on avvo.com for free (to get ideas from US lawyers, anyway) to maybe get insight. 

[ForeverDad]

Since you are only with him 2 weeks of the year, maybe that's normal that you'd be supervised - I'm not sure.

The only reason I've heard for supervision is if the child is likely to be endangered, such as by abuse or neglect.  Demanding supervised visits just because you live elsewhere ought to sound unreasonable, even unconscionable, to the professionals unless there is reason to advocate it.

Living in a different country does present issues, however some of them may be addressed by the court ordering you to get time such as telephone calls and Skype video.

I would push for video visits and when there no supervision, or perhaps a very brief time during the transition from the other's parenting to yours.  Starting with an supervised hour visit and adding an hour a day seems ridiculous to me.  After two weeks you've finally get an entire day visit and still no overnights.  I don't know the laws there, but having to return your child each day is very extreme and if you voluntarily agree to it it would make you appear as having issues.

Getting an order by a judge's decision is one thing, largely out of your control, but a settlement means you agreed to it.  As is sometimes written here, though of course not applicable in every case, you're very likely to get a better order by court decision than you'd ever get from an entitled, retaliatory, controlling ex.