Numbers
Formerly "4 8 15 16 23 42"
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 140
|
 |
« on: August 04, 2014, 05:21:05 AM » |
|
To everyone who opens this thread in hope to find out if pain, anguish and agony will subside: Yes, they will.
I would also love to tell you that it will be all roses. But no, there still are and will be issues. However, we are experts at handling – you need to look no further then our past relationship(s) to find proof. The difference is that now we must handle ourselves. it is not easy to switch focus, but there certainly are rewards you will appreciate.
I wish to share with you several (unscientific) concepts that helped me on this journey. I could not find them anywhere spelled exactly this way – maybe it is just my bad English or failure to understand properly, but here they are, in sincere hope it helps.
Patterns
Skip wrote that he found out a common quality in all his past partners. I was very opposed to the idea and suggestions that I am in denial would make me defensive or even aggressive. It was important to me to isolate this relationship and keep rest of my past idealized. Today I see this common theme in crystal clarity. But change came after I realized that I am wrong about what denial is. Denial is not failure to accept, but failure to recognize. It is so funny, today I am in disbelief at how I could not see something this obvious and important. But this is nature of denial – it is not that you do not want to see, it is that you can not. It takes patience, honesty and effort to break through, but the greatest gift is that you can use this process to break through in other areas of your life. Once you realize any negative pattern, you will not just be able to break it, you will positively wish to.
Truth is, my ex was not first of her kind or unique. She was number four. One was so long ago that I totally forgot. Two never took off. But all of them devastated me by triangulation and I fell hard for the competitive game. But there was another one that I held in high regard as successful relationship. True, after three years she left me out of the blue to „pursue her true self“. We kept occasional contact, but in past weeks we again spent some time together. Eight years later, she lives by a set of rigid self-serving beliefs and went through chaotic relationships including few of her bosses and some married men. And is maintaining this contact because of „favours“, playing the „poor me“ position. Oh wow. Number five.
Reapplication
Does he/she miss me? Does she regret? Will she call? Did I matter? Is she happier? Endless questions, endless torment. But I found the answer right in front of me. It takes some trust in radical acceptance and proof of schema concepts which you can easily get by exploring schemas in you.
In most cases we too were replacements. Remember how she spoke about her ex? Maybe she triangulated, maybe she had moments of regret, maybe she presented conflicting accounts of her past. What I did is take her entire interaction with me and reapplied it to the guy before me and to some guy I believe she is with now. What came out of it is a pretty solid reconstruction of hell she put the previous guy through, but also gives an answer to why she still texts me on birthdays or Easter. So does she miss me? Yes, when she is down. All that people ever were to her are cushions. Does she regret? In three years I spent with her, she displayed regret about her ex of almost a decade exactly once. She was worried what kind of person she was that punished him for going to spend weekend with his kids by going out with other guys and throwing that in his face. Etc etc. Try the exercise. But the most important answer is that if she truly found someone that she seems happy with, it will take years to unravel, just as it did for us. Do not waste your time waiting.
False self
It is my belief that 99,9% of people live their false selves, or at least an overcompensation of perceived self-deficits. As for me, I was even fully aware that I was living false self and perfecting the show daily. I just liked the image of super successful guy so much – because it worked for so long. But it was my true self that fell for her and eventually got wounded. The end result is that false self no longer works. It is very scary, but I believe that is the main source of my torment and depression. In essence, this is her only „crime“. Lies, triangulation, rages, absurdities, I allowed it. But to get pushed into acute identity crisis at the age of 40 is not something I did to myself.
But rewards start coming when all hope is lost. Just a few weeks ago I got into serious ego clash here at work. I handled it in a way that felt very uncomfortable. But later that evening i had a beer with some of the people who watched it. And someone told me „Wow, you are unrecognizable. You handled that admirably (for a change)“. So expect that true self will feel uncomfortable, but give it a chance. And do not fall into narcissistic trap when you realize it is so much better.
One last thing
A friend of mine fell for a girl a recently. From outside, she was stunning and happy, but unknown to all, she immediately started isolating, guilt-tripping him and raging. He was a perfect target – unhappy, lonely and recovering from hell of a divorce. Luckily, my story, that he used to listen to but not really hear, looked eerily similar to his. So I outlined what he could expect and it played out to the letter, including the „I am pregnant“ ruse. The story has a happy ending – she was of course not pregnant and he is still running away without looking back. But even today he is still shaken by being touched by chaos for a few weeks.
The moral is that years we spent in our relationships truly are something of greatest magnitude, truly an important event, maybe even the most impactful thing that will ever happen in our lives. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise.
And keep good care of yourselves.
|
