New member_My story

[Oh_Help]

Hello to everyone!

I am currently 30 years old and have recently, over the past few months, ended a relationship of nearly 8 years with someone I think, believe, has BPD. I could use some advice/thoughts on my situation/past situation because I am genuinely confused.

DISCLAIMER: I was never perfect in our relationship.  I only tried to care and love this woman. I had my moments, we all do. I never cheated nor lied to her about anything significant to warrant this behavior. She was not like this until she was 28 and graduated from college. I tried to be as patient as humanly possible but it just felt like abuse and nothing was good enough after a while.

My ex and I were together for 5.5 years and engaged to be married. She was always a little edgy, having a short fuse over certain things. However, as our relationship progressed, She became increasingly agitated over very little things. I didn't think anything of it. We were both finishing school, I was working full time and beginning my second degree. She was finishing her first. After 1.5 years I noticed her behavior becoming more erratic. She would go out often and be with friends who were constantly drunk. She would be very loving until she did not get her way (intoxicated at first then sober as the years progressed). I also noticed that when things are/were tough she would become increasingly irritable, more so than a normal person. (I'll list everything I have noticed that seemed odd later)

Fast forward to a month before we were to be married. She had a fight with a friend and she wanted me to fix the situation. (It was her birthday and birthdays to her were/are always a big deal)  I told her I did not want to get in the middle of it due to me being blamed for ruining her long time friendship (I told her to speak up for herself because her friend was treating her poorly. She would cry because her best friend would blow her off for months. So her friend stopped talking to her. I have yet to figure that out). When I said no she SCREAMED at me, on the phone, with her mom in the car. Stating it was her birthday  and I was her husband/needed to fight her battles for her. After that I ended it, only to come to find out she had cheated on me, which I suspected, twice, and was continuously lying to me about where she was and who she was with (found out later from former friends of ours).

A few months go by and she 'accidentally' likes something on my social media page (assuming to test the waters). I told her we could talk, but she was in a relationship, long and short of it, this began a pervasive pattern of her lying to me about being with her boyfriend (saying they were split but she would be with him yet claiming she loved me). That new year her dad passed away from Prostate Cancer/Cirrhosis r/t Alcoholism. He didn't tell her he was sick. Her relationship with him was estranged. He would call her, say he was coming, and never showed up. This happened multiple times when we were together. She would cry and I would hold her and tell her it wasn't her fault. Naturally, being supportive, I put things aside and went to see her dad the day he died, which coincides with NYD.

Over the next 6 mos, this pattern continued. She would call me drunk, say she loved me, and would disappear to another guy for weeks. Then, another call. Finally, I blocked her, only to two months later, run into her, giving her another chance. We were back together for around 6 mos. Then, once again, she went home, after drinking, with another guy. So, I ended it, for good. 3 days later, she was on dating websites and in a relationship, all while publicly stating how she wasted 8 years of her life with me, and stating she was glad I was gone. However, two weeks after those were posted, she contacts me with the same 'I love you's'. This time, I didn't answer or respond.

Yesterday she did send me a text. I actually thought I blocked her but apparently not through my iPad. She wanted to wish me a Happy belated Birthday via text because she was out of town. Rather odd since I did not send her one and we haven't spoken in 3 months. Plus if It had been that important, to me, I would have done it the day of.

The following are things I see that could be BPD related. Not asking for diagnosis.

Come here/Go away           

Bad family dynamic - Early 30's,lives at home, no job, mom pays all bills, brand new car, etc.

Constantly in/out of relationships or sleeping with someone.

Has tried, on more than 1 occasion, to make me jealous.

Had an eating disorder,  still drinks 2,3,4 nights a week, found out from a former best friend she cut  once or twice in high school until that friend went to the guidance counselor

Has had multiple groups of 'best friends' over the years, and a falling out is never her fault.

Has gone to therapy, yet claims the therapist only talks about themselves.

Is constantly seeking attention from other men.

Has been through multiple jobs, saying it was their fault, recently, terminated from a position because of her attendance, related to drinking.

Becomes angry at very little things. Driving too slow, walking too slow, etc.

Needs to be center of attention. I Have been talking to people who were female and she becomes overly attached all of a sudden. 

Has been drunk and broken my things.

I have been told I am not 'supportive enough'  'never there' 'don't listen' and when I try to do better at these things it is always something else I am not doing or doing.

So my questions are:

How does one cope? I feel like I lost my best friend but clearly this isn't a friend. Normally I would be ok but with her I am not.

I keep thinking she will 'be different with the next guy', like this is somehow my fault and she will change with the new guy. Is this normal/accurate or am I just over analyzing?

Does blocking these people/cutting them out bother them? I tried to be nice but then had to be almost mean. I don't want an angry back lash even though it's  only been 1.5 months of no contact.

Will they remain no contact as long as I keep it up? I.E. They call (if they call), I don't answer.

Is it normal to feel like you dated an over grown teenager? As in someone stuck in their 18's-20's ?

How do you move forward after a few months when it seems they have in days?

I appreciate any and all feedback.

Thank you in advance.

[mywifecrazy]

So my questions are:

I will answer your questions in relation to my experience with my uBPDxw. Obviously not all pwBPD's the same even though they are extremely similar in their behaviors. My X is the Waif Type.

How does one cope? I feel like I lost my best friend but clearly this isn't a friend. Normally I would be ok but with her I am not.

This will take some time to process but I was able to start to heal when I realized that the person I loved for 20yrs never existed. At least not as I was lead to believe. Her disorder had her acting a certain way that she thought I wanted her to be but it really wasn't her. And now that false person doesn't even exist as she's created a new false image to be rescued by her new r/s. Even in our marriage the false identity she created for me was only who she was when she was in my presence. I found out she had multiple affairs and was demonizing me to other people while at the same time keeping up her appearances when she was with me. It's crazy making when you think about it.   give yourself time on this one. I'm a year out and though I'm getting better I still struggle with this one. The best thing to do to cope is to read these boards and know that you're not going crazy. Educate yourself to her condition and read these stories that are so similar that it's scary but it will comfort you with the knowledge that you're not alone and that her behavior had nothing to do with you.

I keep thinking she will 'be different with the next guy', like this is somehow my fault and she will change with the new guy. Is this normal/accurate or am I just over analyzing?

I TOTALLY feel you on this one. Even though I know all about BPD now and know she is mentally sick person I still have those moments that it seams unbelievable to me and I think she is happy and just didn't love me and has found someone she loves and has moved on. Then I remember... .Her new r/s is my neighbor and x friend. *She walked out on the kids and left them with me. *She has totally abandoned her family(mom! sister! brother!) and doesn't talk to them. *She is a pathological liar. *She accused me of raping her.*She accused me of beating her. *She accused me of beating on my kids. She falsely accused her previous boyfriend of the same things.*, etc, etc, etc, etc. through knowledge of BPD thanks TO THIS sight I know she is a sick person and that she is not happy. The poor fool she is with now is in the FOG just like I was. She is not well! The new guy is in for a rude awakening when she reveals herself.

Does blocking these people/cutting them out bother them? I tried to be nice but then had to be almost mean. I don't want an angry back lash even though it's  only been 1.5 months of no contact.

Yes I tried the lets at least be friends for the sake of the kids but she just kept lying and manipulating me and the kids that I just had to go NC.  This has helped me get my head cleared up so I could start the healing process. From what I understand their emotion go back and forth. So they have you painted black and you don't exist for times then at other time you go back to being white and their emotions swing and this is when they may contact you. I've experienced this firsthand. One day I'm the devil that was so MEAN and HORRIBLE that she screams she doesn't want anything from me. Then a day or two later she's crying that she wishes we still talked to each other. She literally went from screaming to acting like nothing happen in 24hrs 

Will they remain no contact as long as I keep it up? I.E. They call (if they call), I don't answer.

As long as YOU keep it up they don't have a choice. I block my X's cell (no Calls, VM or Texts), I don't answers house phone. if she calls either the kids talk to her or I let it ring. The only communication I have is e-mail and that's only because we have kids together. If we didn't have kids I would black that too. I noticed that the firmer I was in holding to these boundaries that the less she tried. Remember they are like kids if you tell them don't do that or I'll... .And then not follow through they will keep the behavior up.

Is it normal to feel like you dated an over grown teenager? As in someone stuck in their 18's-20's ?

I wish mine acted like an 18yr old. She is more like a toddler to a pre-teen. It makes co-parenting with her impossible.

How do you move forward after a few months when it seems they have in days?

You just have to give it time. Remember they are UNHEALTHY. Don't use them as a guide in how long it takes to properly heal and recover from a r/s. If you don't process your feelings properly they get suppressed and will be harder to deal with later on. My X moved on so quickly that she didn't even take any pictures of her kids, not even when they were babies. Heck, what am I talking about? ... .She didn't even take THE KIDS!

MWC

[Oh_Help]

Thank you for the reply. I was just floored when she sent me that birthday message. I'm just sitting her thinking, wait, what? If you cared the ability to just send a text is present 24/7, out of town or not. I wonder what that was all about?

[topknot]

Absolutely agree with mywifecrazy. Keep reading these boards daily, so you will become educated and have a group to talk with that understands your situation. Also, you will come to see, as we all do, that when you try to understand why they did this or that,  it is illogical.  They don't use the same filters we do to process things. In other words, A + B does not equal C. A + B = orange mango. You will never figure it out, so don't give it all your attention:)

[patientandclear]

Thank you for the reply. I was just floored when she sent me that birthday message. I'm just sitting her thinking, wait, what? If you cared the ability to just send a text is present 24/7, out of town or not. I wonder what that was all about?

My ex never has remembered my birthday.  I did, all three years since we split.  He never had.  Didn't this year ... .until ... .

He apparently split with current gf and then a few weeks later, sent me a late birthday gift.  It's good evidence of how incredibly attuned they can be to what will move you. Because not being remembered on my birthday is a thing throughout my r/ship history, a thing I don't even recall ever mentioning to him.  But it's as if he knew it would give his contact with me extra juice to refer to my birthday -- and it did.  It looked like and smelled like what I want: a man I care about who really cares about me.

Except it was about 5 weeks late.  Like you say, if it were really about remembering our birthdays, our birthdays would be a good day to do that!

[myself]

How do you move forward after a few months when it seems they have in days?

Take this at your own pace.

We can't compare our grieving/detaching/moving on with theirs.

They're two different realities.

Read the links and lessons here.

Post. Ask questions. Feel your feelings.

Be honest as you face yourself, where you've been, and where you're going.

[fromheeltoheal]

Does blocking these people/cutting them out bother them? I tried to be nice but then had to be almost mean. I don't want an angry back lash even though it's  only been 1.5 months of no contact.

To start you off on the disorder, what a borderline fears most is abandonment; they never went through the perceived abandonment and the depression that followed when they were developing, something most people go through just fine on our way to becoming our own 'self', so they bang up against it for a lifetime.  Yes, it bothers them, in fact it's the worst thing that could ever happen in their world, although they've also developed many tools to deal with it and the pain of the intense emotions they never developed the ability to regulate, since they got stuck at the abandonment part.  So she probably couldn't put it in terms like this, but the intense feeling of abandonment is there, where and how it comes out, unpredictable.

Learning about the disorder can depersonalize it for us, but it won't detach you from the relationship or your feelings around it.  The best thing you can do is take very good care of yourself and talk to us instead of her, and many things will be revealed to you along your detachment path.  Take care of you!

[free-n-clear]

How does one cope? I feel like I lost my best friend but clearly this isn't a friend. Normally I would be ok but with her I am not.

   Finding your way here is a good sign that you'll be able to cope; you're actively looking for answers rather than - for example - 'drowning your sorrows'. It takes time, and sometimes you'll wonder whether you're making any progress at all, but the more you focus on you, rather than on her, the better. You're right that she isn't a friend. She only seemed like she was your best friend, your soul-mate, because of the idealisation phase of the relationship. That idealisation is very intoxicating, and now you're suffering from "withdrawal symptoms". Notice that the word intoxicating contains within it the word toxic?

I keep thinking she will 'be different with the next guy', like this is somehow my fault and she will change with the new guy. Is this normal/accurate or am I just over analyzing?

   It's normal for you to wonder about this, but as you'll learn here, one of the main symptoms of BPD is a pervasive pattern of unstable interpersonal relationships. You state yourself that she's been telling you she loves you while she's still with new guy. So are things really going that well with her and new guy? I think not. New guy may not realise it yet. He's probably still getting some idealisation.

Does blocking these people/cutting them out bother them? I tried to be nice but then had to be almost mean. I don't want an angry back lash even though it's only been 1.5 months of no contact. Will they remain no contact as long as I keep it up?

   With my uBPDxgf, me having gone NC (no contact) doesn't even seem to have registered. Every couple of weeks, invariably on my payday   she texts me, usually a very brief message, like Good morning, or, if she's feeling particularly chatty, What r u up to? The fact that I don't respond doesn't seem to faze her. If I run in to her around town, she'll talk to me like I'm an old friend and not even ask why she never hears from me. Weird.

Is it normal to feel like you dated an over grown teenager? As in someone stuck in their 18's-20's ?

  My xgf is 40. Her "best friend" is a 24yo fellow alcoholic/drug using party slut. Enough said.

How do you move forward after a few months when it seems they have in days?

  I'm with mywifecrazy and myself on this one, Oh_Help.

You just have to give it time. Remember they are UNHEALTHY. Don't use them as a guide in how long it takes to properly heal and recover from a r/s.

Take this at your own pace. We can't compare our grieving/detaching/moving on with theirs. They're two different realities.

  free'n'clear.    

[Oh_Help]

Thanks to everyone for the posts. I will continue to read the posts, it is difficult since I am in medicine to read daily.

It's amazing how many people have deal with similar situations. I feel like I'm reading carbon copies of my life with this woman. Interestingly enough she sent me more messages today asking if she could use me as a reference because her unemployment ran out. Although  she was too busy drinking and going on vacations with government money to find a job?

Free... .I understand now in your situation. She just wants something (hearing from her on payday) and my ex also had a new 24 year old friend who is a party animal. This may seem weird but I feel more like a surrogate father looking back on it than anything else. Hence why she wants me as a reference. Stability. Choosing the no response route although she stated to let her know either way. Opening communication is a terrible idea, after all, I wonder why she would need anything from me if I wasted 8 years of her life. When you take the garbage out you don't go to the landfill to get an item from it... .It's garbage.

Mywife, you deserve a medal for putting up w it for 20 years. I'm sorry it ended but I'm also sorry it was that way for so long. Cheers buddy!

[mywifecrazy]

Mywife, you deserve a medal for putting up w it for 20 years. I'm sorry it ended but I'm also sorry it was that way for so long. Cheers buddy!

She was/is a master deceiver   and a chameleon! She not only mind F¥cked me but also many other people close to her including her own Mom, sister and brother. She scares me, I didn't realize there were sick people in this world that were capable of such PHYSCHOTIC behavior. And I didn't realize there were so many of them until I found this place... .I may never date another woman again

Cheers back at ya Buddy!

MWC... .