Frequently Sick, Malingering, Prescription Med Problem?

[Inquisitive1]

My dBPD wiSince early Spring, my dBPD wife has had frequent illnesses--sinus infections, allergies, headaches, colds, migraines. She’s always been more likely to get sick than the average person but the frequency has increased lately. I’m starting to wonder if it is psychosomatic and/or malingering. When “sick” she’ll spend time in bed napping or watching TV—this makes sense. But, then she’ll engage in a sudden frenzy of activity--like vacuuming the house--which does not seem the action of a sick person.

I’m also concerned she’s abusing prescription meds. She’s on a couple of anti-depressants, which is fine. But she also has a bunch of valium and migraine medicine which raises flags to me. In addition, she frequently takes over-the-counter sleep aid like unisom and melatonin. (but she has horrible sleep hygiene—if only she’d try decent sleep hygiene)

She’s been “sick” for over a week, but has not gone to see a doctor. Late last week she got fired/quit, some combination of the two. So, I know she’s stressed. But I’m getting tired of her spending most of her time in bed and, more importantly, not helping me get our finances in order.

I’m also worried that being ‘sick’ all the time is going to become her new normal. I don’t know if I can live with that.

How long do I give her, before I start making demands? I guess I’ll give her a couple more days.

How do I coax her out of this or, at least, get her to see a doctor?

Have any of you dealt with this sort of behavior? Any pointers?

fe has had frequent illness all Spring--sinus infections, allergies, headaches, colds, migraines. I'm starting

My wife recently got fired and quit, some combination of the two.

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[Boss302]

My dBPD wiSince early Spring, my dBPD wife has had frequent illnesses--sinus infections, allergies, headaches, colds, migraines. She’s always been more likely to get sick than the average person but the frequency has increased lately. I’m starting to wonder if it is psychosomatic and/or malingering. When “sick” she’ll spend time in bed napping or watching TV—this makes sense. But, then she’ll engage in a sudden frenzy of activity--like vacuuming the house--which does not seem the action of a sick person.

I’m also concerned she’s abusing prescription meds. She’s on a couple of anti-depressants, which is fine. But she also has a bunch of valium and migraine medicine which raises flags to me. In addition, she frequently takes over-the-counter sleep aid like unisom and melatonin. (but she has horrible sleep hygiene—if only she’d try decent sleep hygiene)

She’s been “sick” for over a week, but has not gone to see a doctor. Late last week she got fired/quit, some combination of the two. So, I know she’s stressed. But I’m getting tired of her spending most of her time in bed and, more importantly, not helping me get our finances in order.

I’m also worried that being ‘sick’ all the time is going to become her new normal. I don’t know if I can live with that.

How long do I give her, before I start making demands? I guess I’ll give her a couple more days.

How do I coax her out of this or, at least, get her to see a doctor?

Have any of you dealt with this sort of behavior? Any pointers?

fe has had frequent illness all Spring--sinus infections, allergies, headaches, colds, migraines. I'm starting

My wife recently got fired and quit, some combination of the two.

I'm just curious - did she start this AFTER she lost her job, or before?

[Inquisitive1]

This started before she lost the job and probably contributed to the job loss.

I just spoke to her on the phone and she complained of chills. I snapped at "when are you going to the doctor." I'm getting angry and resentful about this stuff.

PS. I like the Boss 302 avatar.

[byfaith]

I have been with my uBPDw for over 3 years. There have been problems almost solid for this whole time. There have been legitimate problems. It is usually some ailment almost everyday. Do I believe she feels bad? yes. I don't know why? I don't make demands. The only thing I do is encourage her to go to the doctor if it's something that is continuing. Like I said many things are legit, some seem to come out of no where. Depression and stress can bring a whole list of physical ailments. It can be very frustrating. I am not exaggerating but in the last 39 months of my life I have made more trips to the doctors office, hospitals and drug stores than I had in total the previous 47 years of my life. Not for me. That thought just crossed my mind and it has alarmed me. I will say this God has brought my wife through 2 major surgeries she has had since I have been with her and I am thankful for that. 

[Inquisitive1]

I've been married for over 20 years. And this has definitely gotten worse in the last year or so.

She just did it again, said she's feeling really sick, then started vacuuming.  What the heck!

[Boss302]

This started before she lost the job and probably contributed to the job loss.

I just spoke to her on the phone and she complained of chills. I snapped at "when are you going to the doctor." I'm getting angry and resentful about this stuff.

PS. I like the Boss 302 avatar.

Thanks for the compliment.  

You have every right to be angry. Remember that. Your partner's behavior is atrocious and she's doing nothing about it. That gives you every reason to be ROYALLY pissed. You didn't sign up for this, after all, and it's not like she came down with cancer, or some other life-threatening illness she didn't "ask for" - her behavior brought this on. Some might say that addiction is genetic, and maybe it is, but not all children of addicts repeat the behavior. My mom drank heavily for the first 15 years of my life and I never developed any kind of substance abuse issues. Ultimately, the predisposed person makes a choice to repeat the same behaviors... .so this isn't like cancer, or heart disease, or some other illness that befell her. This is happening because she made a choice at some point. That also means you have a choice on how to react to her.

Unfortunately, this kind of behavior is not atypical of BPDs (assuming your wife is). My BPDx is a MASSIVE hypochondriac. How much is real and how much is imagined is difficult to really know. Keep in mind that BPDs live in a very emotionally chaotic world, and they do lots of different things to handle the pain of living that way, and self-medicating is definitely one of them. Mine used illnesses and dope (yes, that's what I'm calling it) as a crutch and ultimately, an excuse to avoid having to take responsibility for all the damage she caused to me, the kids, our families, and everyone else she screwed over. Can't pay the rent? Say you can't work because of Disease XYZ. Can't keep a decent house? Blame the bad knee. Forgot to have the kids do their homework? Blame the pain meds.

I'd like to tell you that you can change this behavior in her, but you can't. Only she can. You can demand she see doctors and therapists 24/7, but she has to make the decision to do so. And that's going to eventually leave you with a choice: stay or go.

You also have to ACCEPT that this is indeed a choice. You have to accept that if she doesn't change, then you're entitled to leave the relationship. If you're where I was about seven or eight years ago, you probably feel immense guilt and shame for even thinking that. You took a vow, after all. What kind of heel breaks it? What about her - who'll take care of her? I'd bet all this is going through your head right now. It did with me, and that's how I came to be her full-time caretaker. And it made me absolutely miserable. It consumed my life. It was so bad I was even on anti-depressants to cope, which "dulled" me out so that I could actually function, but also "enabled" me to cope with a situation that demanded change, not coping. Coping is what you do with issues that are beyond control, and addiction isn't in that category. Once I stopped taking the meds, I began to see that very clearly, and I began to realize that she wasn't changing, so I had to. I left.

Did this stop her? Nope. Nor did losing our house (and two others), being hauled into the psych ward twice with suicide threats in handcuffs, being investigated by social services, or losing custody of her children. She still does the same things today. She is so dysfunctional - partially because of all the meds, I would guess - that she basically "basement surfed" with friends for months, and now lives in a hotel (a nice one, thankfully, but a hotel nonetheless). Her life is a complete mess. The difference is that I no longer have to be responsible for her actions. And that is a blessing.

You'll feel AWFUL for even thinking that you might have to do what I did, but I think it's a choice you have to begin building up to making. I would definitely suggest therapy so you can make choices about your relationship with clear eyes, no matter what that choice is to stay or move on.

Remember... .you don't have to accept this behavior. You have good reason to be angry. And while you have every right to want to help, if she ultimately fails to help herself, then you have every right to say you've had enough.

Remember YOURSELF in all this. It will be all to easy to forget if things get worse.

[Inquisitive1]

Thanks Boss. I want to make it work, and I'm gonna try my best for the next months. But, I'm open to leaving if things don't get better. When I think of leaving I don't feel guilt per se, I feel sad. Thinking of her on her own spiraling out of control, I'd hate to see that.

I need to someone how get my mind back on work. Arrrrrggghhhh.

[Boss302]

I am not exaggerating but in the last 39 months of my life I have made more trips to the doctors office, hospitals and drug stores than I had in total the previous 47 years of my life. Not for me. That thought just crossed my mind and it has alarmed me. 

All I can say is:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qkyskI13KOs

[Boss302]

Thanks Boss. I want to make it work, and I'm gonna try my best for the next months. But, I'm open to leaving if things don't get better. When I think of leaving I don't feel guilt per se, I feel sad. Thinking of her on her own spiraling out of control, I'd hate to see that.

I need to someone how get my mind back on work. Arrrrrggghhhh.

The concept of unemployment usually works for me. 

[Inquisitive1]

Thanks bro. "Welcome to the party!" Made me laugh. Being married to a BPD feels like your going through a movie like Die Hard with all the gun fire and explosions.

[maxsterling]

This topic comes up often.  I'd say it would be a rare day of I didn't hear her complain about something that was bothering her.  Sore back, headaches, foot aches, heartburn, etc.  I don't doubt that she aches.  And I don't doubt that her aches contribute to her depression.  But guess what - at 40 years old we all have some aches and pains. I'm sure it's for her to separate the normal aches and pains from the more serious aches and pains.  I think with the BPD she looks for physical excuses to explain her constant emotional pain.   So she feels depressed, and uses the sore back as an excuse for staying on the couch and not exercising.   I think some of that is expected from everyone, and probably a lot of that should be expected from a pwBPD.

But where it gets worrisome is when she projects the normal aches and pains to mean she is dying, or to when it means harassing a doctor or pharmacist.  A few weeks ago, she was convinced she was going through early menopause.  Yesterday it was a heart murmur.  And then she brings herself down over that, somewhat panics, and it's my job to somehow both validate and convince her that she is fine.  I think suggesting to your wife to go to the doctor is a good idea.  And yes, abusing pills is a very bad thing.  I'm thankful that with my fiancé's history of drug abuse, she is now paranoid about taking anything. 

[Crumbling]

  

Made me laugh too.  Except our movie would be called 'Live Hard'! 

[Boss302]

This topic comes up often.  I'd say it would be a rare day of I didn't hear her complain about something that was bothering her.  Sore back, headaches, foot aches, heartburn, etc.  I don't doubt that she aches.  And I don't doubt that her aches contribute to her depression.  But guess what - at 40 years old we all have some aches and pains. I'm sure it's for her to separate the normal aches and pains from the more serious aches and pains.  I think with the BPD she looks for physical excuses to explain her constant emotional pain.   So she feels depressed, and uses the sore back as an excuse for staying on the couch and not exercising.   I think some of that is expected from everyone, and probably a lot of that should be expected from a pwBPD.

But where it gets worrisome is when she projects the normal aches and pains to mean she is dying, or to when it means harassing a doctor or pharmacist.  A few weeks ago, she was convinced she was going through early menopause.  Yesterday it was a heart murmur.  And then she brings herself down over that, somewhat panics, and it's my job to somehow both validate and convince her that she is fine.  I think suggesting to your wife to go to the doctor is a good idea.  And yes, abusing pills is a very bad thing.  I'm thankful that with my fiancé's history of drug abuse, she is now paranoid about taking anything.  

There is a part of me that believes that BPDs KNOW they're sick, but instead of looking in the right place (i.e., between their ears), they look everywhere else in their bodies to figure out what's "wrong" with them. It's an easier fix, after all. I see this as an attempt to control what's whirling around in their heads, which isn't controllable... .sort of a modified version of other "symptoms" like cutting. It's very sad.

And in all this, you have to remember to worry about YOU, to keep yourself in good mental shape. It's very easy to get completely submerged in all of this medical drama.

[Inquisitive1]

Boss302, I agree that BPD's may displace their emotional turmoil/pain into physical symptoms. This is easier to explain, more socially acceptable, and gets more sympathy than trying to deal with the emotional pain.

This suggests the best way to decrease psychosomatic behavior would be to address the underlying issues causing the emotional pain. With my wife that would be the recent loss of her job, which I'm sure has damaged her sense of self worth. So, maybe I need to say and do some things to demonstrate she has worth. Maybe ask the sons to do it also.

I really want to get her out of this funk she is in. I want to kick her ass out of bed and make her exercise, 'cause I know she'd feel better. But, that won't work, so maybe I'll go the touchy-feely supportive route.

Any suggestions?

[pavilion]

The body can be a wonderful receptacle for unconscious emotional pain. Some people find it much easier to admit to physical pain than to the depth of emotional suffering they are experiencing. I would be that the more the emotional pain is repressed the more the physical pain manifests. 

[Crumbling]

The body can be a wonderful receptacle for unconscious emotional pain. Some people find it much easier to admit to physical pain than to the depth of emotional suffering they are experiencing. I would be that the more the emotional pain is repressed the more the physical pain manifests. 

Funny thing about my BPD hubby - he taught me the phrase "It's not what you are eating, but what's eating you that'll make you sick."  So, as someone above said, I think they do know they are sick, they just don't know where.

[Inquisitive1]

I'm going to just re-establish my "Shut up more" intervention. This is where I give as little advice as possible, try to be supportive and wait for her to come to me. I can't make her get out of bed.