How far will a BPDex go for a reaction?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I've been working very hard since I last posted, I'm starting to feel a heck of a lot better, NC is at 5 months... .then she pulls something which I really thought would make my life easier.

She announced to everyone, that my BPDex is moving to another country, it's all confirmed, I couldn't be happier, my close friends all were happy for me and I was aswell.

We had to engage twice recently, of which her personality was "all happy and truly over-reactive" but I kept my cool and knew it was all an act, then decided to engage her and ask her about her move of which was happening in three weeks... .I couldn't believe my luck about her leaving the country. She invited me to her leaving do, of which I wouldn't of gone to.

Five days later I suddenly find out (somehow conviniently) ther her contract has been cancelled, the move is off and now she's staying in this country.

Now it could be genuine, or a story but she worked a lot of people and announced it, just seems stupidly convinient. I've moved on, been on a few dates and I'm enjoying some healthy friendships and relationships with other women and I can see the difference - it's like night and day - I know I made the decisions I did and ended up with her.

So why be painted white and suddenly come back to me, I'm switching it back to NC, I have no interest in dealing with her, not after meeting some really great women... .just "crazy" (excuse the term)

[falconfree28]

I've been working very hard since I last posted, I'm starting to feel a heck of a lot better, NC is at 5 months... .then she pulls something which I really thought would make my life easier.

She announced to everyone, that my BPDex is moving to another country, it's all confirmed, I couldn't be happier, my close friends all were happy for me and I was aswell.

We had to engage twice recently, of which her personality was "all happy and truly over-reactive" but I kept my cool and knew it was all an act, then decided to engage her and ask her about her move of which was happening in three weeks... .I couldn't believe my luck about her leaving the country. She invited me to her leaving do, of which I wouldn't of gone to.

Five days later I suddenly find out (somehow conviniently) ther her contract has been cancelled, the move is off and now she's staying in this country.

Now it could be genuine, or a story but she worked a lot of people and announced it, just seems stupidly convinient. I've moved on, been on a few dates and I'm enjoying some healthy friendships and relationships with other women and I can see the difference - it's like night and day - I know I made the decisions I did and ended up with her.

So why be painted white and suddenly come back to me, I'm switching it back to NC, I have no interest in dealing with her, not after meeting some really great women... .just "crazy" (excuse the term)

[Mr Hollande]

Mine tried to add a female friend of mine on FB after 2 months NC. A friend she hated so much that she said she deserved to be raped. She had demanded I sever all ties with her which I did. She kept obsessing over this woman who over time took on super human features. In my ex's warped mind anyway.

Two months of NC after our final break up and I had rekindled the friendship with the friend. I get a message from her that my ex was trying to add her on FB and what was this about? I told her about the hatred and the obsessions so she blocked the ex.

But indeed, what was THAT about? All I can think is that at that point, to some degree at least, I still mattered. But how strange. Still can't work that one out.

Yes, they certainly go to some lengths to get a reaction.

[Aussie0zborn]

My stbx BPDw would go as far as punching me in the face or calling a man in the middle of the night to get a reaction. She would then say, "do you want to hit me?" and I would calmly say, "no, I'm good" in a nonchalant way that sounded like someone had asked me "do you want more food" and me thinking about it for a second before deciding I was rather full and declining.

The interesting thing about this, as I found out the hard way,  is that they resent you for not hitting back, for keeping your cool and for refraining from stooping to their level. Unfortunately I would pity her which automatically makes it an unequal relationship and this was the cause of me being branded "controlling". This would mostly happen while she was drunk, which was almost every weekend. How not getting drunk is "controlling" is still beyond me. And keeping you cool is "controlling"? I don't think so but apparently it is if you believe a pwBPD.

[Trent]

She announced to everyone, that my BPDex is moving to another country,

... .

Five days later I suddenly find out (somehow conviniently) ther her contract has been cancelled, the move is off and now she's staying in this country.

Was your ex constant with the drama?  If your ex is similar to mine, I would attribute it to her lack of identity and attention whoring rather than something to get my attention... .but if I reacted then all the better.  While we were together she was constantly creating drama with others, and none of it seemed to be intended to get a reaction out of me... .except when the drama was directed my way (which there was plenty of as well)

Alternatively, like you suspect, it could be extinction-burst type behavior (anything to get your attention).  After 2-3 months NC, mine threatened me with a baseless lawsuit in an attempt to get me to respond.  Well, I responded all right... .I blocked her then changed my phone number.  It's been about 2 months and the lawsuit never materialized... .gee what a surprise  

Either way, NC is the right course of action.  Congrats on your progress!

[BlondeRunner]

The interesting thing about this, as I found out the hard way,  is that they resent you for not hitting back, for keeping your cool and for refraining from stooping to their level.

I can 100% vouch for this. I've never been one for shouting and screaming anyway and to be honest my dBPDexbf rarely raged (he was a typical waif) but when he did get a bit heated I would deliberately keep calm and act as if nothing was going on and there was nothing to get mad about. He once said, and this is verbatim: "I HATE it when you do the calm, nonchalant thing. It drives me MAD! STOP doing it!".

I have been NC with my ex coming up for 3 months now but recently the channels of communication were opened due to something that needed to be resolved. I will write another post about this but he is starting to be a bit difficult and I believe it's purely because he is unable to provoke me into the type of reaction he wants and this makes him very frustrated. BR xx

[LuckyNicki]

I dont know what to say as i am very suspiciuos of many things my uBPDex would say.  My ex has cancer and she said she went through chemo and then months later said she quit it.  She still has all her hair.  

When we went no contact she makes facebook emotional facebook post which got me to reach out to her.  She then said she found something out about her cancer and that she needed to go through surgery.  

She said "youre not going to talk me off the ledge this time".  Of course she wont go through with it.  Apparently shes attempted suicide many times.

I ask her what it was, she wont tell me.  Its too "personal".

I told her id pray for her.  Then the date of the surgery,  she never said how it went... .


Something in my gut tells me that shes trying to get me to reach out without telling me nor reaching out to me herself.  I really dont know what to believe these days.   Shes currently with her ex right now so she has support.  

When I begin to doubt she has BPD, everyone's post here on bpdfamily leads me to believe she has it because the behaviors and actions like thid OP fits like a T.

Its pretty nuts.

[MommaBear]

In my experience, and I sincerely hope this is not the case for you, a BPD ex will go as far as they can.

Mine, well ... .I still can't talk about it. Let's just say, he went so far, I can't even tell my friends and family about it, because I'm ashamed of being the victim of that kind of abuse.

Here is what I, and a lot of others know for sure.

Just when you think they've reached their limit, they pass it. Just when you think, "Okay, they've gone THIS far to get what they want. But it can't get worse. No WAY will they go beyond this point!" They do.

They always, always do.

The sky is the limit. Never, EVER underestimate a pwBPD.

[LuckyNicki]

And the above post is one of the reasons why we all need to go nc.   We can be in a dangerous situation. 

As you can see,  a lot of my suspicions witb my ex's lies are pretty significant.   If it turns out that shes willing to lie about those things, theres no telling what else she can do.

[Blimblam]

the sickest thing I am almost afraid and ashamed to admit... .is she did some beastiality to make me jealous and mess with my head... .these people are seriously twisted... .ugh it gives me chills

[LuckyNicki]

Sex with an animal?    Im sorry, its hard for me to fathom that.  Wow.

[LettingGo14]

Sharing stories can provide relief in that we realize (gratefully) we are not alone.  Still, we are here to heal and move forward.   I agree with Trent, who cites the progress of NC.   It's a tool for many of us to clear the FOG and focus on our healing.

It's good to recognize tactics and triggers.  Yet, it's best to develop the tools that allow us to recognize tactics and triggers, in order to desensitize ourselves and heal.

Agree?

[Infared]

Yes... .they will "ramp-it-up" to get control, just for controls sake. That would be my experience. I decided years ago to go for absolute NC, for my survival and sanity and perhaps possibility to heal. I do mean absolute, no matter what.  Over the years she slowly ramped up ways to make contact. The last was an orchestrated run-in (more like an f'ing ambush! LOL!)... in a parking lot where she was charging right at me with a shopping cart so that I could not possibly avoid her.

They must have control. Must. By any means. It's mental illness.

[falconfree28]

Thanks for sharing your stories, I'm just shocked, you just find it hard to believe you'd tell and convince so many people, making arrangements for things happening soon, then suddenly cancel on good friends (costing them money) whilst cementing the move using social media (that I hear about second hand as I'm blocked) that you're moving to a new job in a new country to suddenly say "oh well no I'm not!"

NC has been the most amazing and insightful time, in the last few months I've changed so much as has my entire friendship circle, even current friendships have also moved towards the better, and all for the positive... .you know it's working when you start hearing good things back from your friends.

Sharing stories can provide relief in that we realize (gratefully) we are not alone.  Still, we are here to heal and move forward.   I agree with Trent, who cites the progress of NC.   It's a tool for many of us to clear the FOG and focus on our healing.

It's good to recognize tactics and triggers.  Yet, it's best to develop the tools that allow us to recognize tactics and triggers, in order to desensitize ourselves and heal.

Agree?

I agree, for the positive, there's been the negative, sometimes I'll discover another thing that my counsellor will bring up and it can be tough to work on and I can go back to old behaviour and this is where I need to create new healthy habits to stop reverting back to the old, but as much as it sucks, I'd rather feel it then deny it's happening which happened a lot before.

I think I've grown more in the last five months than in the last 20 years.

[MommaBear]

the sickest thing I am almost afraid and ashamed to admit... .is she did some beastiality to make me jealous and mess with my head... .these people are seriously twisted... .ugh it gives me chills

Seriously disturbed, not the least bit surprised.

They stop at nothing.

[Narellan]

I'm not sure they ever stop trying for a reaction. I'm 5 months NC too and just when I start to feel a bit on track it all hits the fan again. During the past 5 months my exBPD has posted photos of us together embracing during a holiday, lots of happy snaps on holidays, then a nude of me, then replaced me with my best friend, argued with my sister via text, has friended many of my friends on fb to show what a good guy he is. Today he went on a date with one of my school friends who just split with a friend of mine. On the weekend he was out taking photos of my former best friend which she then posted on Facebook.

He has turned up to my house and calls on my landline which I ignore. I have been deactivated from Facebook for many months and reactivated last week to keep in touch with my family whilst I took a much needed holiday. He obviously stalked my photos and really increased his activity on fb to get a reaction.

So I deactivated again. And I'm staying back under the radar. He is not hassling me directly but all this behind the scenes turmoil still affects me. He has talked about me with my friends and this new friend he dated today. A few lies but nothing major.

It's very hard to keep control of myself and ignore it. Mostly I just feel hurt and shocked but when it's a downright lie I really want to defend myself. And then I remember that is what he's doing it for. He wants me to connect with him even if its in anger. A child needing attention will take anything even if its an anger response. I keep reminding myself of this. And I know he will retaliate and things will be worse. But the lying, cheating and betrayal just confound me sometimes.

I don't believe the trying to reconnect will ever end. He has done this with his ex gf for so many years and still is. I can't control his behaviour or my former best friends behaviour all I can try to control is my own and my reactions.

I would say you are wise to go NC. It really seems the only way to heal to some degree. You sound like you are doing well, getting out and meeting new good people. Well done to you. I've become a recluse but I need to heal more. It's working for me slowly but surely. Peace  

[blackmirror]

A short list I could post 1000-soonn to be ex wife NC both ways-me last contact-3 and a half years

1.  After she cut me off from sex she encouraged me to have sex with other women.  I never considered it.  I am 40 now but as a younger man I did cheat on girls at times.  As my daughter got older I was more mindful of the example I set even if she did not know it.

2. After couples therapy where some self work on her part was she would punish me.  One time she was all enthusiastic about reconnecting and ready to practice mindfuleness and open conversations about feelings and then great sex which was rare at this point 2 plus year in.  I bet we had sex 1000 times the first year.  I know this was her mirroring me but of course she was a spectacular lover in this stage.

3.  Many examples of "malicious compliance." Therapists says make appointment for sex.   She giddily does this for me but when they time comes she says"get on top and hurry up Wheel of Fortune is coming one."  I was of course turned off immediately as having sex with an unwilling partner is not my thing... .I did not realize I had ptobasbly done this 20000 times in her mind.  She also thought it rude to take the last cookie, donut, pice of bread.  I know of this but it is also rude to leave you trash all over the house.  It was being what she thought of as polite whiole also forcing me to throw away her trash again.  She left a donut in therre for 4 months.  Of course this was my donut and my trash to her.

[Narellan]

Just a prelude to my former post. Yesterday I looked at his professional photography web page and he had just updated it complete with a couple of nude pics of me. Without any permission. Even though they are beautiful photos and tasteful I broke contact to text him to remove them or I will take legal action. He hasn't replied nor  has he deleted the photos. He has done everything possible to get me to connect with him and this crosses my boundaries. I had photos taken professionally by him before we got together. I feel so violated they are out there for the world to see now. I have to take legal action now which means again I have to break nc after 5 months of silence. He will go to any length I believe to hurt me.