Beating oneself up & how to stop self blame

[funfunctional]

Hi,

I thought I was stronger than this but since the incident with my sister last week I keep going over and over in my head  "What could I have done better?".     I kept trying and trying to the best of my abilities.  I don't like confrontation.   I don't handle crazy situations well.   Quite frankly I don't want my children around all this.

But still:   Why did I tell my dad about the facebook?   My dad has a big mouth and has done this before.   I wish I just didn't "react"!  I know why I did it.   I did it becuz I thought she was changing and by this boyfriend being at her house on a saturday night I know she isn't and the road to bad stuff is around the corner again.     

I think to myself "why are we always walking on eggshells with her"?  "Why does the tiniest thing set her off?".    How can I possiblly do everything perfect and right as to dance around her and make sure not to upset her?   Answer:  I can't.   

Can't handle this.  Can't do it anymore.  It is taking too much from my life.    I am drained emotionally and sad.   Sad that I wanted her so bad to be a normal part of my life along with her children.   She never sees what HAS been done for her.   The birthday gifts that I give her that I never get back but never complain or expect.  She has upset my balance & now I need to regain that.  I am healing myself from a lot & am strong for my kids and my husband and work and my life but I simply don't have it in me to care for her or try to.     But in the texts she sent me she indicated she wants us all to care for her and she is an adult mother of two kids and that is not feasible.

I simply need to get thru this.  Need to stop feeling grief over this... .cause the family has been a lifetime hardache and loss for me.

Thanks for listening.   

[SomerledDottir]

Hi, Funfunctional:

I'm sorry you're so sad and drained.  Believe me, I can relate.

Maybe the hardest part of this whole disease is that we have no control or say.  If we are to have r/s with them, we're the ones who have to make the accomodations.  We have to learn how to use the tools of engagement -- SET and the like.  And still, in spite of our best efforts, sometimes nothing works, because this disease can be insidious and relentless, all our efforts may come to nothing much except the wasted time and energy.

The body doesn't lie, and our feelings can be a great indicator.  If the path you've been on has you tired and sad, perhaps a new path is in order?  What could you have done better?  Probably nothing.  It's not you, it's her disease that's the problem.  You could have been the best sibling in the world and it wouldn't matter.  And you were probably damn close to being that for her.

I'm sorry that you gave so much and all you wanted was a sister to love you the way you love her, to share life and children.  I know what that's like.  Those dreams die hard.  I don't know if this will help you or if it will step on some toes, but I'll tell you what is helping me thru my current hard time:

I am Buddhist.  Buddhists believe that wisdom is seeing and accepting things as they are, not as we wish them to be.  Right now, my reality is that I am unhappy in my job because I work for a company that is far afield from it's professed mission statement, does not really care about its customers and employees, but worships its rules and regs. That's part of my life right now and it is THE major stressor in my life right now.  Additionally, I cannot leave this job just yet because I don't have a driver's license, which would open and brighten my options wonderfully; and because I have been at this job/location 17 years.  If I left for something else, I could expect to lose +/- 25% of my pay, as well as have to work all shifts, instead of just mostly one.  But I can choose to change my reality by getting my license, and taking in some higher education so i can start a home business, be here with my elderly mum to keep an eye on her, be less exhausted and more able to take care of my home; and lastly, not be defeated everyday by having to walk the ever-narrowing path of what is acceptable to both customers and the company and funnel earnings through a middleman who tells me my time is worth $x per hour, when I know I'm a conscientious employee whose time is really worth $3x or 4x per hour or more.  So I'm gonna be making those change so my reality is happier, less suffering.

Your reality is you have a sister with BPD.  No matter what you do, it's not right or enough for her.  Maybe it's time to stop doing?  You said you thought you were stronger than this.  Well, you ARE strong -- strong for your husband and kids and work and the rest of your life.  Do you need to stop grieving?  Grief is a normal reaction to loss, and you have lost the fantasy/dream of having a sister with whom you can engage in roughly equal give and take.  It's not wrong to take time to grieve.  It might be helpful at this time to luxuriate in the relationships that enrich you.  As i write this, I am pecking it out on my iPod sitting on my bed with my precious cat.  He has gotten quite lost in some of the drama and busyness of my life lately and is really enjoying cuddling with me and I with him.  Someone is looking for someone like you, Funfunctional!  And you are so wise -- you actually provided your own answers in your post.  It seems to me where you're getting hung up is the acceptance, and that's understandable.  But as you luxuriate in the company of those who can reciprocate your wonderfully giving nature, I think you will begin to accept in your heart that you deserve better and you will stop wanting to expend energy on someone whose demands drain you and make you sad.  What do you think?

You hang in there; I'm pulling for you!

[Linda Maria]

Hi funfunctional!  So sorry to read your post - and can really relate.  Things really got bad last year with my uBPD sis after my Mum died, and the biggest thing it has robbed me off (as well as almost my sanity, my equilibrium etc. for a time) has been the ability to grieve for my Mum.  I don't think I will even start that process until all the legal stuff is finally over (would have been over in a few months were it not for uBPSsis antics) but it is likely to drag on for a few more months.  But I did find going mainly NC really helped, so now if she sends a nasty letter or text, I read it, just in case there is anything of relevance, then I copy it to my solicitor and then I file it or bin it, but don't look at it again.  It's very hard - if your sis is sending you texts saying she wants to sort things out etc. but it just sucks you back in, but it never gets any better.  So maybe either ignore them, or reply saying you are on a break from the situation and are not able to help at the moment.  You need to find a way of "removing" yourself from the situation, mentally and physically.  Explain to other people if necessary that you just need to look after yourself for a while, and concentrate on your own family - you have every right to do that.  Good luck.  JB

[funfunctional]

thank you Linda Marie!

I agree with the removing self emotionally and physically!     That I MUST DO!

I am seeing a counselor today that helps me with that.

AMEN!

I am sorry to hear about your not being able to grieve for your mom.  I lost my mom a while back and still think of her and wonder what she is saying about all that she is watching going on with her other two kids.   Remember they are always looking over us & watching & even if they weren't particularily supportive here I do believe they are trying to help.   I rarely visit my mom's grave as I don't think she hangs there very much.

Keep the faith and keep strong!     

[funfunctional]

Thank you Somerled,

What a sweet post.  I read it and it resonated with me... .many things you said.    I do need to focus on those relationships that are good.   I can't do anything for my sister until she does something for herself.  She is not in a good place but really never has been.  The habits and behavior going on for years and years.

As far as Buddism I am supportive of many religions if they are a path towards life betterment.   I do believe we can go within to reflect and connect.    I am more spiritual than religious but when religious is practiced for the good it is good for the soul.

The job:  I will tell you many jobs are like this.   However, we all need to have the roof overhead and if the current method of earnign that roof is making us unhappy then a plan is in store.    I am all for having a plan and developing skills to get to that next job.   Stay grounded.      Good luck in getting your license as I think you will and soon.  That is one step... .follow your gut.

Thanks again and I do love my two cats as well.   I am thankful for the people I do have in my life.