For those free of a long term r/s, I have a question

[refusetosuccumb]

I am 3.5 months out of a 16yr r/s with my ex.  We have 2 children together so it's a LC r/s at this point.

I find that I am still in the FOG but some days it will lift and other days are just terrible, constantly ruminating about the r/s and my ex.  I don't feel that I am depressed in general, I only get depressed when I think of my ex.  I am keeping it together pretty well for the kids.  I am an active and engaged mom with a fulfilling career.  I have friends and wonderful family to lean on.

I know that detaching is a gradual process, and individual to each of us.  I'm just looking for some other's journey's that have gotten out of a long term r/s.  I get so frustrated with myself some times at how I feel.  I try to just feel the feelings, but I spent so many years suppressing my own stress to take on his, that it's hard to just cry sometimes.  The tears start, then stop.  Or I will just get angry, out of the blue.  Or I will feel 100% at peace with the situation but anxious about waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

[seeking balance]

Oh hon, it will get better, honestly.

I was in a. FOG for much of the divorce process to be honest (about a year)... .simply trying to hold it together.   Time, tears and therapy are your friends.

Today, I post here to give hope, guidance and to be grateful for my journey... .I am detached and no longer have any emotional reaction if I hear ex's name ( which happened earlier in the week actually).  It takes time, but you really will be ok.

,

SB

[Hopeless777]

I'm 2.5 months out of a 28 year relationship with two grown children and a grandson. My BPDw is doing just terrible things in our divorce. I feel for you. I understand how difficult your days must be; mine are bad too. But we must persevere through it all for ourselves and our children. Hang in there and know that we're all routing for you!

[Turkish]

Does it feel like you're still walking on eggshells, refusetosuccumb?

I certainly don't miss the drama, but the drama is largely missing. I have S4 and D2 with mine out of only a six year r/s. It's tough with kids. NC usually isn't an option for us. Our Exes are either diagnosed, or show BPD traits (else we wouldn't be here). For me, it's like never having the feelng of being fully free.

At least the crying stopped, often in front of the kids, though I hid it. Shortly after she moved out in February. Now it's anxiety. Is it hardest during visitations when you have to see him? I know it is with me, like I am being forced to remain attached, though I don't want to see her because is is reminiscent of many traumas. I think the anxiety comes from expecting drama.

[Dutched]

A 30+ yrs. r/s and more than 3 yrs out.

The cliché (however so true!) it will get better, slowly, step by step.

Important is to let it come out, don't force it. When you feel anger, feel it. Grieve, then grieve.

Be there for your children, give them love and go out with them (even just small activities will lift their and yours spirit).

Above all, do not listen to friends/family, as they do not understand what we actually are going through! It is "just" another breakup, so get yourself together... .Live go's on, etc. No, not in our case.

When you feel you can't coop on your own, a Therapist might be of help

Find comfort in 1 or 2 close relatives/friends, to vent your story, feelings, to have a listener. It is (at least for me it was) to be able to talk and talk, without fear of being judged, though also a person who could be a mirror too for my thoughts.

Be alert for mutual friends. People choose... .

It will be a long painful road, specially as everything we believed in, we built and worked so hard for is suddenly destroyed. For life. No grandparents one day, no family gatherings with Christmas anymore, etc. The "small" things that are gone forever.

Kids that will be loyal to both parents, forced to alter, but don't want to, left with life long emotional scars (Judith Wallerstein – the unexpected legacy of divorce). We must be there for them.

As said, long r/s, several yrs out. Still moments of grieve, anger and also happiness again.

Haven't had a date since, not feeling to, still no interest. Maybe as part of thrusting love is altered. Guarding myself.

ExBPDw doesn't trigger me when l accidently see her. Only, still, as she "hurts" my son (19). Not attending for his graduation, etc., yes then I sent a message that hurts her deeply.

Maybe as a grudge that I hold, but she won’t get away punishing my son, never as she destroyed enough.

After the break I had a feeling that my healing would take 1 yr. for 10 yr. of the relationship... .

Take your time, al the time you need.

[refusetosuccumb]

My therapist is my savior. Her ex is similar to mine, plus she has kids with him. She is great for guidance. She figured it took about 2 months for every yr of the r/s to recover.

No plans to date, no interest frankly. Ive been asked out but no way! Scares the crap out of me to be honest. I have a LOT of work to do on myself.

Thank you all for sharing.