About to break NC

[Caramel]

He broke up with me over 5 months ago. It's been the most difficult 5 months of my life. Constantly trying to keep NC while loving and missing him like crazy.

He is not among my Facebook friends. I also deactivated my account after the breakup knowing that mutual friends could be triggers.

Last month I checked his FB page. He had uploaded a new photo of himself looking super happy, having a good time with friends.

That made me very sad and very angry, thinking that he has moved on so quickly while I'm still counting every second of NC, barely able to sleep, eat and socialize. I talked about it to my therapist and she said that I'm not forgotten about and that it is some people's way of coping with their pain and anxiety, to show that they are fine.

Today I found his Pintrest wall. He doesn't know that I would be checking him there. He had posted pins that broke my heart even more. Some of them said:

"If you are one of someone's many options remove yourself from the equation! Sometimes you can mean almost nothing to someone who means so much to you!"  or

"Let go of people who have already let go of you!"

How could think those things? He was never one of my many options. He meant the world to me. I never let go of him.

What is this cruel disorder? I hate it.   :'(

The reason why I posted this is because I think I'm emotionally very vulnerable right now and I might break NC. I want to tell him that he is wrong. That I loved him. I still do.

But if I call he won't believe me. I cannot win the disorder, right? I cannot help him. He needs a professional to help him look at his childhood wounds.I am only going to trigger his pain. And then he is going to trigger mine. And then we will both drown together. I have to stay away from him for the sake of both of us.

What do you think family?

[Xstaticaddict]

Thank you for your post. It makes me feel better 6 months NC that what I'm feeling is normal.

A couple weeks ago I came as close as i've ever come to contacting her. I felt like I had a new perspective and just wanted her to understand that I wanted a chance to just talk and hear her and what she felt. Practice some of the skills I've learned and see how much i'm triggered by her still.

Almost immediately i received a number of signs that she hasn't changed at all. A bunch of mail indicating massive financial delinquency, stories from friends that she is going to quit her job, among other things.

The thing i noticed in your post was the thing that is the major red flag for mine. Victimhood. Yours feels like you abandoned him, because that's easier than taking responsibility for being the one to burn the bridges and hurt people. I'd take those pintrest signs as proof that nothing has changed and he's just fishing for sympathy while putting on the act, that lures the next woman to think he's a normal sensitive caring person.

Mine played the single mom card at the drop of a hat, even though she wasn't single and she was living in my house. They have no concept of reality and will say anything if it works to gain attention or sympathy.

It's hard to put them out of our minds but you have to stop caring what he's doing if you ever want to feel better.

[Blimblam]

I'm so sorry caramel  :'(. It is so hard to heal from the trauma of an abusive relationship.  He is mentally ill seriously mentally I'll.  Healing from this is a slow process and te lingering hope for him for your fantasy and all tat type of bargaining is torture of the soul, despair in the truest sense. Reframe everything reclaim hope.  Be patient with yourself and no it's not your fault.  Your love is good enough.  

[Caredverymuch]

He broke up with me over 5 months ago. It's been the most difficult 5 months of my life. Constantly trying to keep NC while loving and missing him like crazy.

He is not among my Facebook friends. I also deactivated my account after the breakup knowing that mutual friends could be triggers.

Last month I checked his FB page. He had uploaded a new photo of himself looking super happy, having a good time with friends.

That made me very sad and very angry, thinking that he has moved on so quickly while I'm still counting every second of NC, barely able to sleep, eat and socialize. I talked about it to my therapist and she said that I'm not forgotten about and that it is some people's way of coping with their pain and anxiety, to show that they are fine.

Today I found his Pintrest wall. He doesn't know that I would be checking him there. He had posted pins that broke my heart even more. Some of them said:

"If you are one of someone's many options remove yourself from the equation! Sometimes you can mean almost nothing to someone who means so much to you!"  or

"Let go of people who have already let go of you!"

How could think those things? He was never one of my many options. He meant the world to me. I never let go of him.

What is this cruel disorder? I hate it.   :'(

The reason why I posted this is because I think I'm emotionally very vulnerable right now and I might break NC. I want to tell him that he is wrong. That I loved him. I still do.

But if I call he won't believe me. I cannot win the disorder, right? I cannot help him. He needs a professional to help him look at his childhood wounds.I am only going to trigger his pain. And then he is going to trigger mine. And then we will both drown together. I have to stay away from him for the sake of both of us.

What do you think family?

Caramel, I am sorry for your pain. One that we all know well.

I know how much you want to contact him after seeing those pins. I know you really believe if you just show him one more time how genuine and true your love is. All that confusion he seems to have will be gone. And. Your pain will be gone. Of course, bc you have a kind caregiving heart you will risk your own self care to assist him once more with his.

Bc I know how you feel, I will share how I feel about your doing this.  Bc I did these very things. To rid the heart aching missing and pain. To show him just one more time how much I cared. 

I think he is pinning those verses of sentimental soft guy to bait fresh supply. You know, someone who understands how incredibly sensitive and caring he is. Of course, its not like you have.  Of course, its not like his pain is so great that he cant pick up the phone or check to see how you have been dealing with such pain in being devalued and abandoned. Of course he is the victim.  And, it was you who left him. Bc after all, when the ante to prove your love got to the point of insanity, it was you that left him.

And his disorder has allowed him to dissociate and recognition of the shame of what he has done to you.  So, the detached protector has arrived.  And he is cold and prickly and black and white.  And out of sight is out of mind. People are objects that provide need, not love. And the angry child is right underneath the detached protector who has dissociated so much about his past experiences that he will have no idea of your pain. Nor care. Bc, its not about his needs. And, once black there you stay. Until you compromise the work you have done. Alone. To try to understand and empathize ( we know that quality which is our asset and our downfall in this interaction) once more.  And for that, you will be given more hurt. And set back further.  Bc there was nothing you could have done differently in your loving caring way nor is there anything you can do now to convince him of more.

Nc is a tool to heal.  Not a rule. We do what we have to do to get thru this heart aching process.

I have not read one incident of going back for more on this board that encouraged a healthy outcome.  This is a deeply rooted disorder and I think we know a great deal more than we ever cared to about so much of the behaviors. 

Think wisely before you go back. Think about Carmel this time. First.

[AG]

Im really sorry your going through this. I ask myself that ish every damn day. Metaphorically speaking they can punch you in the face and then when you say WTH you just punched me they will remove the action of punching you in the face and just focus on the fact that you said WTH. If they are cheating they somehow can rationalize that it was not them cheating but rather you were cheating. It is not your fault trust me on this one. I'm not so sure that they truly believe that it is your fault either. I think they can mask it or put on a front to themselves but the mask will become exhausting and come off. Please read my recent post before you decide to contact. I am hurting way worse because breaking no contact and honestly it has set me back to day one. Please do not do it. They will not give you any closure. It really does feel like injustice because you want them to just see what really happened and to take a look at reality. I don't think they want to look at reality though. Or maybe they cannot. I don't have an idea of when the hell we will heal but we will heal eventually with hard work on ourselves. It will not be fun doing this work but if we do it now and get it out the way we will be better of later on down the line. Now if I can only take my own advice and apply it a bit better to myself that would be awesome . Your post helped me to be honest because that festering feeling inside of wanting to break contact happened to me as well within these past 3 weeks. Coincidentally the amount of months of NO contact are exactly the same as mine. Literally exactly the same. Please read my last post before you do it.

[seeking balance]

I know it is hard, and sometimes people contact one last time.  There is no right or wrong, you are trying to change your current emotional state and frankly contacting your ex will change it.  Be careful what you wish for as you may get it.

Be kind to you whichever path you choose.

Peace,

SB

[Caramel]

X, Blim, Cared, AG, Seek,

Thank you all for your support and for sharing your wisdom with me.

You are all right. Nothing has changed and nothing will change if I contact him.

I should be strong. I should stay NC.

Thank you family.

[BorisAcusio]

X, Blim, Cared, AG, Seek,

Thank you all for your support and for sharing your wisdom with me.

You are all right. Nothing has changed and nothing will change if I contact him.

I should be strong. I should stay NC.

Thank you family.

We're done, when we're done.

After spending hundreds of hours researching the stories of others, I'm yet to see someone who got anything meaningful out from breaking NC.

[Infared]

Wow, Caramel:

"I am only going to trigger his pain. And then he is going to trigger mine. And then we will both drown together. I have to stay away from him for the sake of both of us."

That is what my relationship devolved into. Unfortunately, for me there is just no reason for contact. Whenever it was that my pwBPD "flicked the switch"... .there was just nothing there with them for "us" anymore.  They ended the connection, there was no reaching them in a respected, honest way... .it was all lies and abuse for me. Once I start being lied to and abused I cannot be all sunshine and rainbows... .better to just move on, let go and love me... .I have no control over what that person thinks or the actions she takes. None. There is no "convincing" her of anything... .there is no point... .As much as I did not want to know that it is the truth.

[willy45]

Trust me here... .The pain you are feeling is grief. And that's OK. Its healthy. You will grieve and you will be fine. BPD is a real thing and it is very hard to wrap your head around. Thankfully. Just grieve. Really grieve. The person you love is not there. He is the same person that hurt you before and he will hurt you again. Maybe do some exercises of what your life would be like if you never thought of him or if you thought of him it was just with a mild 'meh'. You will get to that point. And the only way to there is through NC. I've gotten to that point many times over the past two years. And it has felt GREAT! My problem is that every few months she contacts me non stop and I eventually cave. And the result is that I'm a mess! I keep expecting the person that I 'love' without the BPD. But, it is always the person with the BPD. And that person has the capacity to ruin my life, again and again. That person really doesn't care about me. Not in the same sense that a normal person does. That person cares about me in terms of how well I sooth her or whatever is going on. The result for me is agony and severe mental health issues. So, what's the point of contact? Face the grief. Its not that scary. Years of this IS terrifying.

[BorisAcusio]

And that person has the capacity to ruin my life, again and again. That person really doesn't care about me. Not in the same sense that a normal person does. That person cares about me in terms of how well I sooth her or whatever is going on.

Spot on.

Years of this IS terrifying.

Unfortunately it's still going to take years, whether he contacts her or not but it is getting easier with every month.

[Aussie JJ]

We're done, when we're done.

After spending hundreds of hours researching the stories of others, I'm yet to see someone who got anything meaningful out from breaking NC. [/quote]
Boris, when I broke LC/NC and reached out with the knowledge I have and confronted her with everything.  I learnt a hell of a lot.  I saw all the patterns, I suffered the abuse again, I endured and hurt myself by trying to offer my hand.  I put myself back massively and spent a few days in serious cry and depression mode unable to understand WHY she couldn't see the logic of working through it together. 

That was the most powerful lesson to me, she doesn't want to change, she is happy denying the problems and moving on with the shadow of an existence, a shallow, meaningless life.  I would caution EVERYONE about trying, however if your going to, I can respect that decision.  I needed to do it for myself to say I had tried, I hadn't walked away and I was capable of forgiveness to try and work through it.  I learnt from that experience and it was the most empowering few weeks of my life suffering that abuse again, one, last, awful, time. 

[Crow Moon]

Caramel, how terrible it is too see and read those things when they meant that much to you. I, too, broke down today and looked up my ex' fb page. There I saw a new cover saying the same things. I realized it's just them trying to being the victim or at least feeling like the victim. It's easier for them than dealing with the fact how much hurt they have caused. I'm sure I still remind her of that.

I'm going to try and avoid looking at her fb page, because I know it will be a negative trigger for me. Perhaps that would be a wise decision for you too. It's very difficult when the person is still so much in your head, but in the end you won't get hurt the way you are now. For he won't change, therefore you must.

[patientandclear]

There's a lot of wisdom in this thread. I too have responded to the very strange inversion of responsibility, where his leaving me and refusing to make any effort to fix things, became in his mind a story of me leaving him and refusing to work on it.

If only it were as simple as reassuring them that this was not true ... .There would be no need for this board.

The defenses and projection you see at work in his sad abandoned pins is a powerful destructive mechanism. Don't underestimate it. It cannot be reassured away. This man sent you away, to another continent!, drove you to the airport in tears--and now says you abandoned him by going.

The road available to you if you want to resume your connection to him is outlined on Staying. It involves ignoring the emotional content of a huge percentage of what he says--leaving the room when he's mean, reassuring him you're coming back, never addressing the fact that he said abusive things other than by showing you won't stick around for it, and hoping he tires of that tactic when he sees it isn't effective. My decision for myself is that the damage done by that process is too great. And it's not clear to me why we get to ignore what our SO says when it's mean but believe it when it's kind and affirming. Both are sides of the same need-based style of relating.

What is not available is a course where you reassure him that the world is not as he sees it and he sees you are right and feels good about the r/ship from here on out.

Those pins are a good indication of just how deep the divide is btwn how he experiences intimate r/ships and how you do.

I hope you can feel good about your decision not to try to talk him out of his entrenched beliefs.

[Infared]

"There's a lot of wisdom in this thread. I too have responded to the very strange inversion of responsibility, where his leaving me and refusing to make any effort to fix things, became in his mind a story of me leaving him and refusing to work on it."

That is brilliant P&C... .

... seems like something that a 5-year-old might do... .no?

Its kind of like when a pwBPD leaves you abruptly, cuts you off to be with another... but then just keeps contacting your in the days, months, years after... .forcing us to "acturally" end the relationship by absolute NC because it is too painful to us... .and then... .they play victim?   

We all just need to take care of us. Really is not what we wanted... but when the dream is gone... the dream is gone... .sometimes we have a hard time reading the GIANT scrawl on the wall in front of us!  LOL.

[patientandclear]

Yes Infared.  The very hardest thing for me has been having to kill the very thing I thought I wanted.  He reached out a few times -- it sort of looked like what I had wanted so much, but not really -- I had to admit it wasn't that, it was really pretty crude manipulation and using me, with no regard for my feelings and boundaries and needs.  He was going to once again take what he wanted and needed on his terms and leave me like a husk on the side of the road.  Like he's done to me before, but also, like he's done to many, many other women, including the women who came after me.  I have to look at that at a certain point, and stop believing that I am so special and we are so special that the way it's always been with him is going to change radically.

But yes, just as you say, having to be the one to finally formally end it is awful.  They did all the destroying, but we have to extinguish the last gasps.  It takes a lot of resolve.  Almost more than I had.

[myself]

Our final breakup came about because we were relaxed. When you'd least expect it, right? But this is BPD. Things were going well. That set her alarms off and she pushed me away/made sure to wound me, while saying I was the one doing it to her. I'm sure her story is she tried her best but couldn't overcome my difficulties and finally had to leave. Which is true, I triggered her. The deeper we went, the more compelled she felt to run. We didn't own each other, we said we would be sharing. When I knew I couldn't trust her anymore, yes, I walked away. I feel like I'm being held accountable for being wet when she's the one who shoved me into the pool, but ultimately I needed the wake up call. The fact is, she ended it. Impulsively. "Goodbye." And I ended it, feeling I had no choice but making the best choice possible.

[Infared]

Yes Infared.  The very hardest thing for me has been having to kill the very thing I thought I wanted.  He reached out a few times -- it sort of looked like what I had wanted so much, but not really -- I had to admit it wasn't that, it was really pretty crude manipulation and using me, with no regard for my feelings and boundaries and needs.  He was going to once again take what he wanted and needed on his terms and leave me like a husk on the side of the road.  Like he's done to me before, but also, like he's done to many, many other women, including the women who came after me.  I have to look at that at a certain point, and stop believing that I am so special and we are so special that the way it's always been with him is going to change radically.

But yes, just as you say, having to be the one to finally formally end it is awful.  They did all the destroying, but we have to extinguish the last gasps.  It takes a lot of resolve.  Almost more than I had.

Almost more than I had,too... . She recently tried to "ambush" me in a parking lot (mind you, I believe she is married now), I guess I DO have the resolve, as I looked away, sped up and went right to my car with not even one word to her. I truly feel that this is what I need to do to take care of me. Love me. I felt a sadistic mix of triumph and deep sadness... .something I would wish upon no one... It is an extremely twisted place to be... .but engagement of any kind just is not an option for me any more.

[FollowingBliss]

Thank you for your post, I'm having a hard time with this myself. I believe the other members are correct, it comes down to need. Theirs. If u break NC and are of no current use watch out. I've learned this the hard way many times. Stay strong, it is not worth your mental health