New to the forum and undecided

[BFKurt]

I'm to the point with my BPD GF that I feel I need to face reality, which is something I haven't done a very good job of to this point.  I've been working hard to try and make the relationship work, to try and make it great.  I'm starting to realize that I've been in denial about what's been happening.  I've gotten so used to the way she treats me that it has become "normal" to me.  Lately, I've been stopping to think and stopping to notice her actions.  How she talks to me, how my needs and feelings are never addressed, how she doesn't have passion for me anymore.  I've read a lot about BPD both books and online and I can see why people are so conflicted about leaving.  In my case, she is my soul-mate in many ways.  We are best friends and do many things together.  Everything is good, except when there is a time that tests her.  I am always left feeling like she doesn't love me.  She doesn't communicate, ignores my needs, doesn't tell me she loves me much, and has no interest in sex anymore.  She does thoughtful things and there are some expressions of love but it's so hard for her.  In the beginning, she was full of love and adoration.  This is what I guess they refer to as the "honeymoon period".  I'm not even sure why I'm writing this other than to vent but maybe it will help to hear others' experiences.  I've finally come to realize that there is a good chance she will never be able to love and maybe I'm just wasting more and more time the longer I stay in this relationship.  She is in DBT counseling and I wonder what the prospects are.  I feel she will get better at controlling her emotions through therapy but how do you change someone so they are able to give and be loving?  That is the part I fear will never exist again.  If I ever bring up the fact that I'm not happy, everything is somehow my fault and I'm the one who is supposed to do a bunch of stuff to make her more able to do something for me.  She won't understand my feelings and take responsibility for the problems.  Is there hope?

[woofhound]

Welcome to the forum. It has been tremendously helpful in my personal journey to understand and deal with a failed relationship with a BPD. We are happy to have you, and I encourage you to look around here and read posts from others.

She is in DBT therapy which tells me two things. One: She knows she has a problem AND Two: She is making an effort to correct her problem.

This is more than many of us have gotten as many people with BPD have convinced themselves that there really is no problem, instead choosing to project and deny.

Personally, if my ex had made it this far I would have held out hope. However, each man has to make his own decision. Is she causing you more pain than pleasure? Can you begin to focus on yourself more while you're in the relationship? One of the big issues with being with someone with BPD is the codependency and making one's own life about their partner instead of their self.

I hope this helps in some way, and like I said, KEEP READING.

[BFKurt]

Interesting thing I've found is not all people with BPD are the same, at all.  Certain things in common but in her case she doesn't have the narcissistic part.  In fact she self-loathes if anything and crawls into a hole.  She isn't a cheater.  She is honest.  The only reason she is in therapy though is that I diagnosed her and encouraged her to get help.  True, it's great she followed though with it.  As I bet many can relate, when you get to this point, you have so much invested and just pray things will get better.  Unfortunately in my case, it's almost like she got worse for me when she started treatment.  She is even more focused on herself and her newly discovered problems and I'm feeling like I mean nothing.  Anyway, yeah it's something I'll have to decide.  Hopefully some others' perspectives can help me determine how much hope I should have for her.  Many professionals believe they can't get much better.  Others say that is not true.  I just don't want to waste any more time if hopes are slim.