Experiencing "shadow of my former self" and deep sadness - common?

[Depression = 72% of members]

So it's now been about a month since "breaking up" with my ex BPD partner, and 5 days since she left the country for 5 months - true breakup. I am experiencing what I think is deep sadness because I can see what I was before I was with her, and all the things I used to be. My partner gradually got more restrictive with her requests on who I could see in the outside world, when I could go and or would push me out only to punish me badly (discussions/screaming that would last hours) later for going, as such I learned not to go. I'm not saying she didn't add "anything" - but mostly she took, a ratio of 1:100 give or take.

I realized I have become this shell of my former self. All the activities I used to so enjoy - mostly gone. All the friends I used to hang out with on the regular - in my life, but I find myself still terrified to contact them. How did I let this happen to myself? I realize it must have been a type of addiction related to change in emotional states (push-pull), but how do I break this habit that so I don't experience this type of pain again? I'm not even in contact with the BPD, the behaviour has become hard-writ.

[rock_and_a_hard_place]

So it's now been about a month since "breaking up" with my ex BPD partner, and 5 days since she left the country for 5 months - true breakup. I am experiencing what I think is deep sadness because I can see what I was before I was with her, and all the things I used to be. My partner gradually got more restrictive with her requests on who I could see in the outside world, when I could go and or would push me out only to punish me badly (discussions/screaming that would last hours) later for going, as such I learned not to go. I'm not saying she didn't add "anything" - but mostly she took, a ratio of 1:100 give or take.

I realized I have become this shell of my former self. All the activities I used to so enjoy - mostly gone. All the friends I used to hang out with on the regular - in my life, but I find myself still terrified to contact them. How did I let this happen to myself? I realize it must have been a type of addiction related to change in emotional states (push-pull), but how do I break this habit that so I don't experience this type of pain again? I'm not even in contact with the BPD, the behaviour has become hard-writ.

[patientandclear]

It is super common, and it just takes a while.  Sometimes a long while.  It takes as long as it takes, and it's important not to get panicky about how interminable that process seems to be.

I've gone through about a thousand micro-climate changes on my path from enmeshment with my ex and all the damage that did to my enthusiasm for anything else in life, to pretty much being the person I was before him.  I kept thinking I was on the verge of a big breakthrough, but that really never happened.  There were no big breakthroughs.  Only almost imperceptible shifts. But those shifts were important.  One day I would clearly understand something that the day before was totally obscured for me.  And with enough of those shifts, my ex and the lure of the life I thought we might have together lost a lot of their power to dominate my feelings and thoughts.

I doubt anything will ever damage me as much as this has, and I can't overstate the difficulty of recovering.  Many people seem to dash off into new relationships trying to avoid the slow hard work of actually getting over this on its own terms, but if you don't, it will take a while, but it will shift.  You will be yourself again.

[Reforming]

Hi rock__a_hard_place 

It's completely normal so try not judge yourself for how you're feeling.

A few days ago I was writing about an experience I had before I met my ex few days ago and it suddenly reminded me of who I used to be.

Recovering is a process of rediscovering yourself: both the good and the bad.

It's hard work but the trauma of these relationships highlight our strengths and weaknesses and gives us a precious chance to work on them and come out reborn.

Patientandclear is absolutely right. Rushing into another relationship doesn't solve any problems - : you have to work through it.

There are no epiphanies just incremental improvements but with patience and courage you will can become a wiser and happier person.


Good luck and keep posting.

[fromheeltoheal]

How did I let this happen to myself? I realize it must have been a type of addiction related to change in emotional states (push-pull), but how do I break this habit that so I don't experience this type of pain again? I'm not even in contact with the BPD, the behaviour has become hard-writ.

Great questions, and searching for the answers will provide some profound growth.  As P&C says, it takes time, it takes what it takes, a process of making a lot of small discoveries about yourself, and once you do, the relationship and who you are to you will take on new meanings, sometimes one day to the next.  The good news is it's good work, the best work, and you will come out the other side a better, wiser, more mature version of yourself, and may even look back at the experience as a gift, because of the growth it spurred.  So who you really are is still in there, it didn't go anywhere, it was just suppressed by an enmeshment with a mentally ill person, and here's an opportunity to not only find yourself again, let her shine, but be grateful for it, because it was gone for a while.  Take care of you!

[rock_and_a_hard_place]

P&C, FHTH, and Reforming,

Thank you for your words. I know this is going to take time, and time that I'm willing to put in before ever getting involved with someone else again. Truthfully, there's a part of me that wants to go celibate after this experience (I won't, but there's a part that doesn't trust myself to be a good judge of what I need vs. want). It is a bit like waking up from a bad dream, but there were good parts too - but mostly it just feels like I was numb to the world, and now not so much.

I will persevere, I know. Just can't believe how much I gave up without noticing or even questioning.

[Reforming]

You'll come through.

I think "not trusting yourself" a very normal reaction after any bad breakup, but it's much worse when your ex is BPD.

It takes time and work to rebuild trust in ourselves.

A good T can really help and keep posting here and read as much as you can.

When you begin to gain some distance and understand why you were drawn into your relationship you'll have the chance to know yourself in a much truer and deeper way.

Very few people get that chance so grab it if you can. It's not easy but it's hugely rewarding.

When you learn to see yourself with compassion and real awareness you can rebuild that trust.

Good luck

Reforming

[SpringInMyStep]

Hi. I'm going through the same thing. It hasn't even been three weeks since she moved out and at first I was angry and pumped to get back to my own life. But now I feel like the reality of what she took from me is setting in.

Think I'm gonna write my own post about it... .but just wanted to say I think this is probably normal in our situations.

[Blimblam]

I can relate to others here experiences but I have had epiphanies, one was the most powerful experience of I  can recollect.  Besides the first big breakthrough epiphany moment the majority of the change has occurred in the microclimate shifts patientandclear describes.  I really am not sure if the epiphanies are something to be envious of though.  My epiphanies have mainly occurred relating to some really traumatizing aspects of my childhood. If you do have a series of epiphanies prepare your life for them because they can be all consuming energetically speaking.

There are few things that I can imagine as painful as deataching from a relationship with a pwBPD.  There is a good possibility that a lot of trauma from childhood will come to haunt you in these times as well to be dealt with.

[Regular_Joe]

Poetry helps me a lot. Here's one you might like:

When in disgrace with Fortune and men's eyes,

I, all alone, beweep my outcast state

And trouble Deaf Heaven with my bootless cries,

And look upon myself and curse my Fate.

Wishing me like to one more rich in Hope,

Featured like him, like him with friends possessed.

Desiring this man's art, and that man's scope... .

With what I most enjoy, contented least.

Yet in these thoughts, (myself almost despising),

Happily I think on thee, and then my State

(Like to the lark at break of day arising

From sullen earth) sings hymns at Heaven's Gate!

For thy sweet love remembered, such wealth brings

That then I scorn to change my State with Kings.

... .I have this memorized and recite it when I'm feeling low. It helps because it makes me think of the people in my life who do love me... .I don't dwell so much on my exBPD.

Hope it helps!