Boundaries and the aftermath..

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have been waiting for yesterday to arrive as I haven’t seen my sister for six weeks as she was out of the country on a very exciting operation.  She was supposed to come to our house for dinner but my sister and I decided to go out for dinner rather.  uBPDgf came home very late because of work and I knew that there was a possibility that these new plans would upset her.   So I asked her if she would rather stay home and rest while I go.  She said no she knows it is important as its family.

Fast forward to after dinner and my sister said lets go smoke outside.  My partner would then be left at the table with my dad.  She was not happy that we would leave them there and told me not to go.  I was disappointed as I wanted to catch up with my sister for 5 minutes while outside alone.

Anyhow we made our way home and did all the tasks to get ready for bed.   Everything was fine till I heard an angry sentence and she stomped off.  It was because I didn’t put a new loo paper roll in the bathroom. 

Might I add that I cleaned the whole house before my partner arrived so she would walk in after work and could just get ready for dinner.  Well this caused a fight.  I didn’t JADE and got out of bed and walked to the other room and said I’m sleeping there.   I guess she is upset cause we went out or I wanted to leave her alone at the table.  I mean it couldn’t be about loo paper really can it?

This morning I carry on as normal as I didn’t think fighting over a loo paper roll was necessary the next day.  She was still upset.  When I asked her what is the matter she said she is angry about how I handle things.

I just replied I don’t think it’s worth fighting over loo paper. 

Ok now for my question.  How do I handle things now?  When we see each other tonight I will be myself but she will still be angry till I apologise.  Which I won’t.  So how will this work out?  How must I handle things if she is angry about me sleeping in the other room.

[itgirl]

I have been waiting for yesterday to arrive as I haven’t seen my sister for six weeks as she was out of the country on a very exciting operation.  She was supposed to come to our house for dinner but my sister and I decided to go out for dinner rather.  uBPDgf came home very late because of work and I knew that there was a possibility that these new plans would upset her.   So I asked her if she would rather stay home and rest while I go.  She said no she knows it is important as its family.

Fast forward to after dinner and my sister said lets go smoke outside.  My partner would then be left at the table with my dad.  She was not happy that we would leave them there and told me not to go.  I was disappointed as I wanted to catch up with my sister for 5 minutes while outside alone.

Anyhow we made our way home and did all the tasks to get ready for bed.   Everything was fine till I heard an angry sentence and she stomped off.  It was because I didn’t put a new loo paper roll in the bathroom. 

Might I add that I cleaned the whole house before my partner arrived so she would walk in after work and could just get ready for dinner.  Well this caused a fight.  I didn’t JADE and got out of bed and walked to the other room and said I’m sleeping there.   I guess she is upset cause we went out or I wanted to leave her alone at the table.  I mean it couldn’t be about loo paper really can it?

This morning I carry on as normal as I didn’t think fighting over a loo paper roll was necessary the next day.  She was still upset.  When I asked her what is the matter she said she is angry about how I handle things.

I just replied I don’t think it’s worth fighting over loo paper. 

Ok now for my question.  How do I handle things now?  When we see each other tonight I will be myself but she will still be angry till I apologise.  Which I won’t.  So how will this work out?  How must I handle things if she is angry about me sleeping in the other room.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[itgirl]

Well I guess my boundary by sleeping in another room triggered abandonment.  She has now sent me text messages of how she doesn't trust me and that I am sneaking around behind her back. 

I am work crying as I am not the type of person that can receive messages of breaking up and just ignore it and not JADE.  It has backfired and now its game on.  I know you guys say it will get worse before it gets better.  But how can I set up boundaries to protect myself if I'm then bombarded by much worse stuff the next day.

this is real hard and I must be doing something horribly wrong.

[123Phoebe]

But how can I set up boundaries to protect myself if I'm then bombarded by much worse stuff the next day.

this is real hard and I must be doing something horribly wrong.

The push-back can feel unbelievably difficult to deal with, when the focus is on her.  Too much negative energy flowing.  Can you turn off your phone?  This could be another boundary that doesn't have to be stated out loud-- "I will not get into relationship issues while at work.  I will focus on work.  I HAVE to focus on work in order to keep my job"  Sleep is essential also, so good for you in recognizing that and sleeping in another room.

Nothing good comes of trying to smooth the waters once they're dysregulating.  Protecting yourself and your sanity is #1 priority.  Get a little space to gain perspective  If she wants to break up over this, there's really nothing you can say to stop her... . There's a lot you can say to make things worse though

[itgirl]

The push-back can feel unbelievably difficult to deal with, when the focus is on her.  

Thanks phoebe

I told her that I'm working and have to go to a meeting. She stopped texting.

I'm interested to know what you meant by  the above  quote. Should I focus on myself and just kind of ignore the push back?   

Like you say nothing I say can stop her leaving

[maxsterling]

Not replacing the toilet paper is not her real issue.  Wanting to go outside and smoke with your sister is not the real issue.  You not "handling things" right is not her real issue.  She doesn't even know what her real issue, all she knows is she feels constantly uncomfortable.  It has nothing to do with you; it has only to do with BPD.  But because she feels uncomfortable all the time, and doesn't understand the real reason why, she looks externally at all the little things that bug her, and blames them. 

Believe me.  I've gotten the rage over leaving the toilet seat up, breathing too loud, sneezing, leaving a dirty glass on the counter (right next to her dirty plate), you name it.  The truth is, it is very irritating when you go to do your business, then go to clean up and you realize there is no paper.  Us nons quickly realize that's just life and find a way to solve our issue.  pwBPD - it ruins their whole day and makes everything negative. 

Not putting up with her rant and sleeping in the other room was appropriate boundary setting to keep you from being emotionally drained.  There may have been a way to try and smooth things over without apologizing for something you didn't do, and that is by validating that it's frustrating when there is no toilet paper.

"I know how frustrating it is when there is no toilet paper on the roll, I hate it too.   I spent the afternoon cleaning and that's normally something I would have noticed while cleaning, but I guess I missed it."

It's just one of the things about living with someone who has BPD. 

[itgirl]

Thank you max for your advice. I did use your advice regarding validating. It didn't work. She wants to argue. I skipped the dinner I made for us and opted to sit outside.

It's very difficult  when you want to talk and  the other party wants to argue. I'm struggling with the fact that my partner lacks empathy.

It's one of the things I'm trying to accept.

[123Phoebe]

The push-back can feel unbelievably difficult to deal with, when the focus is on her.  

Thanks phoebe

I told her that I'm working and have to go to a meeting. She stopped texting.

I'm interested to know what you meant by  the above  quote. Should I focus on myself and just kind of ignore the push back?   

Like you say nothing I say can stop her leaving

Hope things have calmed down, itgirl... .

I'm glad she stopped texting while you were working   Sometimes, just stating the obvious when it comes to US can give enough space for things to calm down. 

It's when we're right back at them, JADEing all over the place that things can turn uglier.  It's giving a lot of credence to their plight (when we know our truth), owning what's theirs as ours, when we have our own stuff to deal with... .  Like, self-soothing, reflecting on what it is we're looking for in a relationship, are we doing enough toward our own self-care... ., or in your case yesterday, being mentally prepared for a work meeting.

So, to answer your question, yes, focus on yourself   I'm not saying to ignore the other person-- acknowledge that they're upset and that you (we, I) see things differently.  We are separate people after all, and will experience life from different perspectives.

It's taken me a long time to be okay with my own perspective without having to spell it out, looking for validation that it's okay, that I'm okay.  Feeling upset when somebody doesn't see it the same way as I do.  It's fine to simply be... .  The same goes for our partners