Today is a hard day

[Caredverymuch]

I'm struggling with missing him today. My situation is difficult bc I often pass him in our community as I did recently. Despite all I know and all I understand of BPD, when I pass him it is a trigger and awakens that empty space in my heart that will forever remain, that belonged to just the two of us. My heart was his.

I'm left feeling it all again and I miss him and the simple things. Talking to him. Sharing. That warm place. Which was always so much a part of who we were. And I know that was not mirroring. That was real. Why doesn't he miss that too?  Why doesn't he miss me at all?

It's still very difficult for me to wrap my brain around the fact that someone who was so entirely needing of me and SO largely in my life could foster such strength, unbeknownst me to that he ever possessed, to just walk away from me. And be just fine in that it seems.

I wish I had that ability. Today is hard. Despite all I know of the disorder and the various schemas of who they are at the moment. I value ppl in general, especially those that I love. And I do not possess the ability to erase ppl. I wish I could in this case. It's so hard to make sense of this all everyday isn't it?

[woofhound]

I can't help but love you. Many days I feel exactly the same. I torn between reconfiguring myself to hate her and just learning to love her from a distance. On one hand, she didn't ask to be the way she is; on the other there is a total lack of responsibility for her actions and the way she treats everyone in her life... .You're right. It is hard. It's one of the most difficult experiences in my life. To be madly in love one day, and be a complete and total enemy the next. I wish I had an answer for you, but I don't. I just hope it helps to know that you aren't the only one coping with these feeling.

With love,

The Woofhound

[Popcorn71]

I'm struggling with missing him today. My situation is difficult bc I often pass him in our community as I did recently.

I understand how you feel.  I go through this too.  I keep thinking how much easier it would have been if he had died.  At least I wouldn't have to frequently see the corpse.  My experience is that each time I see him, it gets a little bit easier.  I hope you find that too.


I'm left feeling it all again and I miss him and the simple things. Talking to him. Sharing. That warm place. Which was always so much a part of who we were. And I know that was not mirroring. That was real. Why doesn't he miss that too?  Why doesn't he miss me at all?

I ask this too.  I can't understand how he cannot miss me.  However, he has a replacement so I think he is pretending in some way that she is 'me'.  Just as he pretended that I was his 'ex'.  I can see now that the person doesn't matter, just that there is a person.


It's still very difficult for me to wrap my brain around the fact that someone who was so entirely needing of me and SO largely in my life could foster such strength, unbeknownst me to that he ever possessed, to just walk away from me. And be just fine in that it seems.

I wish I had that ability. Today is hard. Despite all I know of the disorder and the various schemas of who they are at the moment. I value ppl in general, especially those that I love. And I do not possess the ability to erase ppl. I wish I could in this case. It's so hard to make sense of this all everyday isn't it?

It is hard to make any sense of it.  I still can't.  I have almost given up trying and actually feel sorry for him at times.  He is not normal and never will be.  He will never know normal love and I think he is destined to repeat the same pattern again and again.  I keep telling myself that in the long term I will be better off.  I will have a happier life.  Try to tell yourself that too.

[Caredverymuch]

I can't help but love you. Many days I feel exactly the same. I torn between reconfiguring myself to hate her and just learning to love her from a distance. On one hand, she didn't ask to be the way she is; on the other there is a total lack of responsibility for her actions and the way she treats everyone in her life... .You're right. It is hard. It's one of the most difficult experiences in my life. To be madly in love one day, and be a complete and total enemy the next. I wish I had an answer for you, but I don't. I just hope it helps to know that you aren't the only one coping with these feeling.

With love,

The Woofhound

 

Thank you Woofhound for the   and kind words of support.  The hardest part of this all for me is to have to act in a way that is not at all me when I see him and in regard to all else.  I've never had to be so diligent in telling myself not to care, not to miss, not to remember so much, not to be kind or appropriate. There really are no answers to so much related to getting closure completely on our own and making any rational sense out of the need to show no emotion when you see someone you love pass you by, are there? I appreciate very much your words of support. And I hope your journey is brighter each day too!

[Caredverymuch]

I'm struggling with missing him today. My situation is difficult bc I often pass him in our community as I did recently.

I understand how you feel.  I go through this too.  I keep thinking how much easier it would have been if he had died.  At least I wouldn't have to frequently see the corpse.  My experience is that each time I see him, it gets a little bit easier.  I hope you find that too.


I'm left feeling it all again and I miss him and the simple things. Talking to him. Sharing. That warm place. Which was always so much a part of who we were. And I know that was not mirroring. That was real. Why doesn't he miss that too?  Why doesn't he miss me at all?

I ask this too.  I can't understand how he cannot miss me.  However, he has a replacement so I think he is pretending in some way that she is 'me'.  Just as he pretended that I was his 'ex'.  I can see now that the person doesn't matter, just that there is a person.


It's still very difficult for me to wrap my brain around the fact that someone who was so entirely needing of me and SO largely in my life could foster such strength, unbeknownst me to that he ever possessed, to just walk away from me. And be just fine in that it seems.

I wish I had that ability. Today is hard. Despite all I know of the disorder and the various schemas of who they are at the moment. I value ppl in general, especially those that I love. And I do not possess the ability to erase ppl. I wish I could in this case. It's so hard to make sense of this all everyday isn't it?

It is hard to make any sense of it.  I still can't.  I have almost given up trying and actually feel sorry for him at times.  He is not normal and never will be.  He will never know normal love and I think he is destined to repeat the same pattern again and again.  I keep telling myself that in the long term I will be better off.  I will have a happier life.  Try to tell yourself that too.

Popcorn,   thank you for the reality check. I agree with you. I don't think the actual person they are with even matters as long as its someone to fill up the bottomless well of need. 

I do know my life is better bc I know how to give, receive, and value the gift that love is.  Which is why we here on this board do hurt.  Very much so bc we know how to love. 

Nothing about the way my expBPD treated our entire interaction was normal.  I need to remind myself of this and remind myself of the fact i dodged a bullet by not getting farther involved with him as such.

[Aussie JJ]

It is the most painful thing seeing them again when you know what's happening. 

Mine had the massive shame face last exchange.  I felt so bad, wanted to reach out.  I was struggling soo badly feeling horrible.  2 hours later, she pulled the absolute master manipulation on me.  e-mail full of confidence undermining something I had been working at for ages and that directly effected our sons well being. 

I can now tell that on the next exchange she will be happy and delighted as she has control of a situation again. 

This infuriates me but also makes me so much sadder, she felt absolutely lost and awful because she had lost control of a situation, she then felt shame as she knows that she is going to undermine what I have put in place to get control back. 

Now that she thinks she has control again she will be all happy with herself and in a positive head space at the next exchange. 



Do I tell her I know this, do I hold her accountable.  No I just feel sad that this is what she has to do to survive. 

[Caredverymuch]

It is the most painful thing seeing them again when you know what's happening. 

Mine had the massive shame face last exchange.  I felt so bad, wanted to reach out.  I was struggling soo badly feeling horrible.  2 hours later, she pulled the absolute master manipulation on me.  e-mail full of confidence undermining something I had been working at for ages and that directly effected our sons well being. 

I can now tell that on the next exchange she will be happy and delighted as she has control of a situation again. 

This infuriates me but also makes me so much sadder, she felt absolutely lost and awful because she had lost control of a situation, she then felt shame as she knows that she is going to undermine what I have put in place to get control back. 

Now that she thinks she has control again she will be all happy with herself and in a positive head space at the next exchange. 



Do I tell her I know this, do I hold her accountable.  No I just feel sad that this is what she has to do to survive. 

I'm sorry Aussie JJ. It must be very sad indeed to have to continue to react the way we have learned here ongoing due to your interaction continuing bc of your child.

A few mos ago he tried to bait me. I didn't take the bait and kept going. He had the most frightened, terrified look on his face and I could absolutely see the abandoned child, as I had so many times before. It broke my heart to disregard him but I had to remember the very many times I responded to that incredibly sad person so wanting to he loved, only to be treated exactly as you state less then 24 hr later. Cold, confident, full of devalue and delighted in treating me that way. And then seeing MY very real hurt. And reacting with absolutely zero sensitivity to my extreme hurt, as if I was dirt, full of  indignation and pomp. 

Yes, the sad child manipulation worked on my heartstrings and increased that level of control and devalue and hate toward me more so, each time. What I have to tell myself every single time I pass him in the community. Don't engage. Look the other way. Take care of YOU. Ignore right back and keep going.

Incredibly sad, the whole thing. Just beyond. And like nothing I have experienced in my life,

[pieceofme]

I'm struggling with missing him today. My situation is difficult bc I often pass him in our community as I did recently. Despite all I know and all I understand of BPD, when I pass him it is a trigger and awakens that empty space in my heart that will forever remain, that belonged to just the two of us. My heart was his.

I'm left feeling it all again and I miss him and the simple things. Talking to him. Sharing. That warm place. Which was always so much a part of who we were. And I know that was not mirroring. That was real. Why doesn't he miss that too?  Why doesn't he miss me at all?

It's still very difficult for me to wrap my brain around the fact that someone who was so entirely needing of me and SO largely in my life could foster such strength, unbeknownst me to that he ever possessed, to just walk away from me. And be just fine in that it seems.

I wish I had that ability. Today is hard. Despite all I know of the disorder and the various schemas of who they are at the moment. I value ppl in general, especially those that I love. And I do not possess the ability to erase ppl. I wish I could in this case. It's so hard to make sense of this all everyday isn't it?

i love your words and feel as if i could've written them. i miss my ex so much. today he has taken several digs at me via social media - one in particular about "waiting for someone who will do everything to be your anything," with a comment that those who want to stay in your life will. seems he forgot he walked out on me (like you said, with strength unbeknownst to me), then broke up with me. twice. i may be his enemy, but still i love him.

[Caredverymuch]

I'm struggling with missing him today. My situation is difficult bc I often pass him in our community as I did recently. Despite all I know and all I understand of BPD, when I pass him it is a trigger and awakens that empty space in my heart that will forever remain, that belonged to just the two of us. My heart was his.

I'm left feeling it all again and I miss him and the simple things. Talking to him. Sharing. That warm place. Which was always so much a part of who we were. And I know that was not mirroring. That was real. Why doesn't he miss that too?  Why doesn't he miss me at all?

It's still very difficult for me to wrap my brain around the fact that someone who was so entirely needing of me and SO largely in my life could foster such strength, unbeknownst me to that he ever possessed, to just walk away from me. And be just fine in that it seems.

I wish I had that ability. Today is hard. Despite all I know of the disorder and the various schemas of who they are at the moment. I value ppl in general, especially those that I love. And I do not possess the ability to erase ppl. I wish I could in this case. It's so hard to make sense of this all everyday isn't it?

i love your words and feel as if i could've written them. i miss my ex so much. today he has taken several digs at me via social media - one in particular about "waiting for someone who will do everything to be your anything," with a comment that those who want to stay in your life will. seems he forgot he walked out on me (like you said, with strength unbeknownst to me), then broke up with me. twice. i may be his enemy, but still i love him.

Peaceofme thank you for your warm feedback. I am sorry your ex is doing those hurtful things via social media. They do indeed forget that they are the ones who left us.  So many times. In so many ways.

The most difficult thing for me is having to apply all this logic and double time redirection from being the person I have always been.  Yes know of course we have our own issues, who does not, but these were/are ppl we truly love.

Its so unnatural to have to act in unloving ways to heal.  When all I really would like to do is just fall in his arms when I see him and say Im so glad we are back home, where we belong. Such an incredible oxymoron, BPD, the entire disorder.  And the effects on us here are so completely unwarranted or deserved. The hurt upon hurt.

Fall down 53 times and get up 54. Its very hard when you are not disordered. When you know love.

[myself]

could foster such strength... .to just walk away from me. And be just fine in that it seems.

It isn't strength but weakness on their part. They RUN away, not walk. Losing us. And no they're not fine, it's an act. I know you know this, just a reminder to help dispel the magical thinking we fall into when we see them, miss them, and wonder about them. I loved and cared for my ex, too, in my reality. Not sure what was going on in hers, or what is now. Am glad I don't have to run into her, and sorry that you do with yours. To get through it better, picture yourself as the standing tall, doing the best you can, kind hearted, well-intentioned person that you are, and continue on with your day and Life.  

[pieceofme]

I'm struggling with missing him today. My situation is difficult bc I often pass him in our community as I did recently. Despite all I know and all I understand of BPD, when I pass him it is a trigger and awakens that empty space in my heart that will forever remain, that belonged to just the two of us. My heart was his.

I'm left feeling it all again and I miss him and the simple things. Talking to him. Sharing. That warm place. Which was always so much a part of who we were. And I know that was not mirroring. That was real. Why doesn't he miss that too?  Why doesn't he miss me at all?

It's still very difficult for me to wrap my brain around the fact that someone who was so entirely needing of me and SO largely in my life could foster such strength, unbeknownst me to that he ever possessed, to just walk away from me. And be just fine in that it seems.

I wish I had that ability. Today is hard. Despite all I know of the disorder and the various schemas of who they are at the moment. I value ppl in general, especially those that I love. And I do not possess the ability to erase ppl. I wish I could in this case. It's so hard to make sense of this all everyday isn't it?

i love your words and feel as if i could've written them. i miss my ex so much. today he has taken several digs at me via social media - one in particular about "waiting for someone who will do everything to be your anything," with a comment that those who want to stay in your life will. seems he forgot he walked out on me (like you said, with strength unbeknownst to me), then broke up with me. twice. i may be his enemy, but still i love him.

Peaceofme thank you for your warm feedback. I am sorry your ex is doing those hurtful things via social media. They do indeed forget that they are the ones who left us.  So many times. In so many ways.

The most difficult thing for me is having to apply all this logic and double time redirection from being the person I have always been.  Yes know of course we have our own issues, who does not, but these were/are ppl we truly love.

Its so unnatural to have to act in unloving ways to heal.  When all I really would like to do is just fall in his arms when I see him and say Im so glad we are back home, where we belong. Such an incredible oxymoron, BPD, the entire disorder.  And the effects on us here are so completely unwarranted or deserved. The hurt upon hurt.

Fall down 53 times and get up 54. Its very hard when you are not disordered. When you know love.

you write so beautifully! all along, i have acknowledged that i have issues and baggage, but i have never used that against him. if anything, my issues caused me to hold on to hope and him for far too long... .walking on eggshells and turning myself inside out to keep the peace, to keep him happy. it was all an exercise in futility. ps- i, too, have the same fantasy about "being home" with him. i have been reminded "home" never existed, although in my heart it did and still does.

myself, thanks for the reminder. strength and weakness in this case almost seem the same. he did RUN, losing me. and why? i'll never understand.

[maternal]

Its so unnatural to have to act in unloving ways to heal.

I understand this completely.  

It's difficult for me, but I have had to shift my thinking in recent weeks.  I always used to say that "deep down, I know that he is a good person," but in reality, he is not.  It pains to me to think it, to say it, to believe it, but it's true.  My ex is NOT a good person and because he is not a good person, I MUST stay as far away from him as possible.  He may have good moments, I fell in love with good moments, but as an overall human being, he just doesn't make the cut as one of the good ones.  His actions and hateful words toward me belie the good person within him.  He is pain, confusion, heartache and sadness... .I don't wish to invite any of that into my life again.

I do feel great compassion for what he must go through at every moment of his life, but I cannot count him among the truly good people of this earth.

[Loveofhislife]

Dear Cared et. al.--reading your words tonight reminded me I'm not alone and (for the most part) not crazy. I don't even know if we're broken up--he just stopped talking to me 3 weeks ago after I confronted him about his commitment to repay me a large amount of money he owed. At first, there were cryptic messages promising he would call or text. He never has--unless he is answering an impersonal question like, where did you out the mail. I have NO idea what is going on. Tonight I start feeling like--did the last year even happen? I'm feeling like I'm the crazy one and that I MUST have been the one who must have done something terribly wrong. I am physically ill and emotionally sick and can SO understand your feeling of HOW IN THE WORLD DID MY BPD/WAIF SUMMON THE STRENGTH TO JUST WALK AWAY AND STAY SILENT? He acted like he didn't know how to take a breath without me over the past year. It really hurts. Love and healing to us all, Lovie

[Caredverymuch]

Pieceofme, I am so sorry for your shared experience and for your heart, your pain. You are a loving person with a very big heart  . I can sense that in your comments here and yes, indeed our baggage did keep us holding on for too long. To a person who we held a great deal of hope and belief in.

Hind sight is 20/20 with a spotlight on high. At the time though, it was love. Pure and simple. Just love.

It was believing in someone whom we loved. Who was so sensitive and in that sensitivity, needy but in a very endearing way. That's why I fell in love with him. I loved the gentle vulnerability and his ability to put words to it. I had never known a man like that before. There were no boundaries bc it was very easy to say and feel it all with him, and to be myself. And he did the same with me. And if that was mirroring it was an academy award winning act bc it maintained itself throughout the entire r/s. Even the bad. He always came back to that place, until he didn't come back at all. And bcame someone else. A stranger, a deliberate stranger who ditched and ran and totally erased me.

Why? as you asked above. Why does not begin to uncover the mystery of BPD. It never will. It's more like how? When? What happened? With a million trillion whys.

BPD... .a disorder that exists to deny itself. Laced with the ability to dissociate an entire warm, loving, breathing, fully present, fully supportive, fully giving and forgiving person. And to forget them completely and forge on. Surreal to me yet. That function in itself.  Can you imagine being able to erase... .A PERSON? Who LOVES you? Just one day turn off all your emotions, like flicking a switch. Leaves me wordless, even with full immersion in the understanding of the d/o. This is why it is so hard for us to move on. Why the journey is so very long riddled with starts and stops. It makes no sense even with common sense. None.

I guess it was an exercise in futility when looked at it in present tense. Not only did love not win, love never have a chance. That's heartbreaking and always will be to me.

Home will forever remain in my heart. For what we shared and who we were together. Although I realize that my heart is the only place it was ever really allowed to to real. Reminds me greatly of the following EE Cummings poem, which is beautiful and written in open free running form without a sense of boundary or confinement, pure wonder and outpouring of love and devotion, and how I felt ... .very much so.

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in]


i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

[topknot]

Caredverymuch,  I can identify with the loss and the grief. It always amazes me how profoundly intelligent we all are on this Board.  We are such great communicators and can explain our deepest feelings with such clarity. I, too, said many times, this is your home,  please come home to me. No way. No reason, no willingness to discuss or even hear me. I wrote a long text wherein I repeated many times, this incident or that, HURT ME. Nothing. As if I was talking to a computer. It stuns me to think we said so many intimate things to each other,  he said no one in his entire life knew him as well as I did, and then I get put out with tomorrow's trash. It still hurts, but now, it's like looking in my rear view mirror occasionally and saying "Ouch, that stung," instead of feeling like I have BPD mononucleosis 24/7... .Hugs 

[Loveofhislife]

Top Knot: thanks for reminding us that we all will soon be looking at our experiences in a rear view mirror. I've experienced another another anxiety-filled day followed by another sleepless night.

[woofhound]

Top Knot: thanks for reminding us that we all will soon be looking at our experiences in a rear view mirror. I've experienced another another anxiety-filled day followed by another sleepless night.

"in my rear view mirror the sun is going down

sinking behind bridges in the road

and i think of all the good things

that we have left undone

and i suffer premonitions

confirm suspicions

of the holocaust to come

the rusty wire that holds the cork

that keeps the anger in

gives way

and suddenly it's day again

the sun is in the east

even though the day is done

two suns in the sunset

hmmmmmmmmm

could be the human race is run"

From "Two Suns In The Sunset" by Pink Floyd

[Infared]

I'm struggling with missing him today. My situation is difficult bc I often pass him in our community as I did recently. Despite all I know and all I understand of BPD, when I pass him it is a trigger and awakens that empty space in my heart that will forever remain, that belonged to just the two of us. My heart was his.

I'm left feeling it all again and I miss him and the simple things. Talking to him. Sharing. That warm place. Which was always so much a part of who we were. And I know that was not mirroring. That was real. Why doesn't he miss that too?  Why doesn't he miss me at all?

It's still very difficult for me to wrap my brain around the fact that someone who was so entirely needing of me and SO largely in my life could foster such strength, unbeknownst me to that he ever possessed, to just walk away from me. And be just fine in that it seems.

I wish I had that ability. Today is hard. Despite all I know of the disorder and the various schemas of who they are at the moment. I value ppl in general, especially those that I love. And I do not possess the ability to erase ppl. I wish I could in this case. It's so hard to make sense of this all everyday isn't it?

I know... .you are talking about what we had as a core connection and it was very real and sincere for us.  It's years later for me, with total NC, (to protect me from the coldness & the lies)... and the most difficult part will always be accepting that the experience was just not the same for them... .we were there... .we thought it was both of us... .but it just wasn't.

I do understand how you feel, though.  

When I see mine in our community I just turn away, and hug me.

[topknot]

Loveofhislife, so sorry to hear you are hurting,  :'( It's true what everyone says,  though. The only way I got to the rear view mirror was by not seeing him or taking calls. Otherwise, I would be charmed into the spider web, get thrown out of it, and start detoxing from square one.  It really works, you will heal. Since mine left my house, and we needed to communicate at some level, the only way I would allow contact was by text. It was impersonal, that was good for detaching, and also allowed me to see more clearly the manipulation and the crazy, when I could read it again, rather than verbal,  when I would always get caught up in the heat of the moment.

[pieceofme]

caredverymuch, i can't imagine being able to erase him or our memories. in spite of all the pain he's caused, i will never forget him. my mother says that i look at our relationship with rose-colored glasses, that i only remember the good times. i do remember the bad, and it hurts all over again, but i could and would never erase that from my life.

maybe love never had a chance, but it was real because it grew in our hearts. that isn't diminished because it didn't (or couldn't) grow in theirs.

oh, i love that ee cummings poem! i had to memorize it in high school and have been able to recite it from memory ever since. i've never thought of it in regard to my BPD breakup, but it is perfect. thank you for making that connection for me.

topknot, i have done the same - texting that i am hurt, that he has broken my heart. every time, his response was, "i don't see how." i might as well have been trying to rationalize with the wall.