No Will to Live.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Going on ten months of being out of the relationship.

A lot of back and forths emotionally.

I miss her constantly.

And at the same time, know it wouldn't work out.

I'm a normally energetic, active person with a variety of interests. I'm also self-employed.

When the drama started, I stopped a lot of the things that lit me up.

And now, when I play music or put myself out there, its just going through the actions.

You know that song, Aint no Sunshine When Shes Gone ... .

It feels like that.

And while I am not suicidal (no need for an intervention) ... .I just don't have the OOMPH and get up and go as before the relationship, or during the early days.

As Austin Powers would say ... .I lost my mojo.

I miss the vital me. And though I put effort into it, and some days are really up there ... .even the up days I don't have the hootzpah I am accustomed too.

Am I the only one who feels like this ?

Does this go away ?

[Artisan]

Going on ten months of being out of the relationship.

A lot of back and forths emotionally.

I miss her constantly.

And at the same time, know it wouldn't work out.

I'm a normally energetic, active person with a variety of interests. I'm also self-employed.

When the drama started, I stopped a lot of the things that lit me up.

And now, when I play music or put myself out there, its just going through the actions.

You know that song, Aint no Sunshine When Shes Gone ... .

It feels like that.

And while I am not suicidal (no need for an intervention) ... .I just don't have the OOMPH and get up and go as before the relationship, or during the early days.

As Austin Powers would say ... .I lost my mojo.

I miss the vital me. And though I put effort into it, and some days are really up there ... .even the up days I don't have the hootzpah I am accustomed too.

Am I the only one who feels like this ?

Does this go away ?

[elessar]

Hey Artisan,

Take care of yourself. Go for therapy if you can't handle the pain. But please don't let another person take away your will to live. You are worth it, not them. As much as we loved them or treated us like disposable garbage, no human is worth not having the will to live. I do not know if it goes away. I have been trying for years. I was suicidal three years back. But I came to my senses that I cannot punish my family and friends for one person who does not give a damn for me.

Write here on posts, go out in public, do anything to keep your brain occupied. Take care buddy.

[Harri]

Hi Artisan.  You definitely are not alone in feeling the way you do.  I am right there with you and I find it hard to do all the things I know I need to do to move on, get myself better physically and mentally.  As a matter of fact, as I am reading and writing here, I am avoiding exercise!  GO me with the avoidance behaviors at which I excell!   

Have you sought therapy?  Or mentioned to your doctor how you are feeling?  Meds might help and do not have to be a permanent thing either... .just enough to get you over the hump. 

I went back and read some of the posts you made when you first came here.  There was a lot of pain and frustration in them and you have clearly been through a lot.  you went through the kind of stuff that takes time to recover from, and I am not just talking about your r/s with your ex.  It does not sound like you had much time to grieve without having added stress and turmoil added to what was already there.  In a way it makes sense that you feel the way you do right now.  Maybe take comfort in that what you are feeling right now is normal or perhaps expected is a better word and yes, you will get your light back (I call it my twinkle   ).

As elessar said, keep posting here, be active, etc.  This will get better and you will get that vital pice of you back.

[fromheeltoheal]

Am I the only one who feels like this?

No, you're not; many if not most people on these boards have reported similar stuff.  I've come to realize that it was a symptom, a result, of being emotionally, psychologically and physically abused. 

Does this go away?

Yes.  I was diagnosed with PTSD, which I was told is a "normal" response to that kind of treatment.  Time helped some, but the thing that helped the most was realizing, time and time again, that I was acting the way I should have acted in the relationship, and all her crap came out of her disorder, and had everything to do with trying to deal with her living hell and nothing to do with me.  As I processed and reframed each memory, from a somewhat detached place, it became clearer and clearer that I have my act together, and didn't know I was in relationship with a disordered person at the time.  Each of those memories allowed me to validate myself, to feel better about myself, to get my feet on the ground, to move forward, to focus forward to a bright future, more aware.

Try that.  Dig deep into what really went on, learn more about the disorder if it helps, get professional help if you can't do it on your own, reframe the past, learn what you did wrong and what you did right, own what you did wrong, celebrate what you did right.  Make it entirely about you, do not turn to anything she did or said as evidence of anything.  It will get better as you go down that path.  Take care of you!

[seeking balance]

Am I the only one who feels like this ?

No

Does this go away ?

Yes

I am living, breathing proof it goes away.  My life is full, happy, energetic.  It takes time and a lot of focus, discipline, and faith... .you are healing from something a lot larger than you realize.

Depression is a real part of life, very real part of the grief process and can last a while.

There are things that many people do, including anti-depressants, to help during this time you are in... .if you are in T, exercising, eating healthy, sleeping - maybe an extra boost of seratonin can help - see a Dr and get your bloodwork, full physical... .stress can make other body functioning off that causes low energy too.

[OutOfEgypt]

I wonder how much of what we go through we imagine to somehow be "special to people who were with a pwBPD".  When I read what you are going through, which I do identify with, I read something that could be said by ANYBODY after a breakup or divorce -not just someone who was with a pwBPD.  Very normal to feel down, blue, unmotivated, exhausted, no desire to do things that one would normally find enjoyable, etc.  Yes, it does pass.

I join in with the other who recommend a good therapist.  Mine has been invaluable.  I handled the breakup from our last and final recycle much better than past situations with her.  I am still healing, but it has been since December when I finally told her, "I'm done," and it has been since April that she has been out of my house.  She has been the central distraction of my life for 15 years -that is a hard habit to break!  While I still sometimes have a hard time not hating her guts and being "stuck" on that with her (errr... .stuck on her, even in a negative way), and while I sometimes lack motivation and feel tired a lot, I really feel great.  I feel free, happy, and ready to do new things.  I enjoy myself with good friends without constantly thinking about her.  It happens.  You can and will get there.  Working through your feelings and grief takes hard work and a competent partner to help you.

[Blimblam]

She's not gone. She is the divine spark within.  She likes to express herself through plant plant life via the mycelium network. She is the spark of life it's self.

[pieceofme]

Going on ten months of being out of the relationship.

A lot of back and forths emotionally.

I miss her constantly.

And at the same time, know it wouldn't work out.

Am I the only one who feels like this ?

i am fresh out of my breakup and i feel the exact same way. i am exhausted emotionally and physically and have no real desire to do anything. even when i try to distract myself, my mind still drifts back to him. today, i did my makeup for the first time in a week and it just reminded me that i have no plans, no where to go. it is a daily struggle.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Artisan, It's a slow process, I agree.  I suspect the stress of being in a BPD r/s over a long period of time (16 years, in my case) depletes one's physical reserves, so it takes time to get one's energy back.  I still have days when I feel wiped out, which I try to accept with grace as part of the healing process.  You are in good company, my friend!  Lucky Jim

[jackhzrd]

It's rough dude, I know! Been a year now, and I do have 'up' days more and more, but I still have these absolutely horrible 'down' days when I just ruminate over the past and play that dreaded film reel in my head over and over. From the first date 'til the bitter end. I'm SO sick of watching that movie but some days I cannot shut it off.

Somebody mentioned these symptoms (depression, lack of motivation, not taking care of you etc) belong in all break-ups, sure they do, but as most BPD break ups lack that essential 'closure' , I bet these symptoms are much more intense and last longer due to that fact.

I got divorced in 2012 and that was actually a huge relief. Sure there were tears and fears and I was worried how it would affect my then 2 year old daughter etc, but mainly it was a relief since the relationship had been on the rocks for quite a while so there wasn't that much actual 'pain' to get through, just sadness and worry. Then within half a year I had moved in with the most charming, beautiful and cool woman I have ever met (to this day!) and I thought my life was perfect, complete, blissfull.  Then the craziness started and I just could not believe it, but I hung in there, I knew she had BPD, she sort of admits to having 'BPD traits' but does not fully acknowledge the depth of her disorder. Anyway, throughout our tumultuous relationship we had such awesome times and such a strong connection that I was absolutely certain we would last. We'd struggle and clash, but we would last because I loved her with every inch of my soul and she told me likewise. Then BOOM, she moves out of our apartment IN ONE DAY WHILE I'M AT WORK and calls me just as I'm closing up shop and tells me she's gone. She's gone forever and it's all my fault yada yada... .then I spent the next 3 months trying to get some sort of logical closure out of her to no avail. It was like someone dropped me into a crevasse of shame, pain and hopelessness.

I've been crawling out ever since, and it's a damn long haul. But I already get glimpses of sunlight and I have come to accept that me and my daughter are better off without her in the long run. Still, I long for her, I long for that connection, her sense of humor and style, her sexy voice and beautiful skin, if only she was in good health, it would've been perfect, but it wasn't to be.

I've had a tough time throughout my life growing up etc. so I feel that this was just a really, really cruel joke the universe played on me, after all these year of struggling, I still needed to be mowed down by a freight train? Really? Was THIS ONE really necessary? That still doesn't make sense to me, but life ain't fair.

At least I got my limbs, my senses and sanity and I don't live in starvation or a war zone. There's lots to be thankful for. And it was my daughter who kept me alive through the first 6 months. 

It's really, really tough. Hang in there buddy, you're gonna make it. In time, we all will! 

[Dog biscuit]

Hi there,

No, you are not alone! I' m eight months out and mostly feel the same way you describe. I guess it just takes more time to recover and to feel alive again.

[Blimblam]

It is painfull to be awake.  But do you really want to go back to sleep?