Emotional numbness?

[buterfly]

I seem to have no emotional reaction to the 13 years of verbal, emotional, and physical abuse I endured. I left him 2 months ago, and filed for divorce. When I read my old journals or think about the episodes I literally feel numb to them, like I am standing outside myself, or reading someone else's story.

Has anyone else experienced this. Is it a normal reaction to abuse?

[BuildingFromScratch]

What's an emotion? No, seriously though, I think it is normal. I've experienced severe disassociation and depersonalization. I think that's what you're describing. I feel and felt like my life experience wasn't even my own. Like it was a dream, like you described. Some of the more traumatic things I even remember in third person. It's how many of us survive these relationships. It does get better, I've slowly been starting to remember old friendships and experiences and feeling happy or nostalgic about them. I'm sorry you've gone through this, hope you feel better. Don't forget to be easy on yourself.

[tired-of-it-all]

It is your form of ptsd.  We can't allow ourselves to feel.  Our lives are like eating without tasting the food. 

[Tibbles]

In the past I've just felt dead inside, like I had no feelings left at all about anything, just dead. It passed slowly and then the tears came. They are slowly passing too. Hope things start to get better for you too.

[es369mk]

I also have been living in that state of emotional numbness for way too long now... .believe I can nearly see some hope on the horizon.  Unfortunately, still have to go through the crappy part of actually divorcing... .25 yrs married, and 5 years separated... .so much chaos for so long propelling each or our lives (3 now-grown kids included) in such destructive directions.  2 kids are recovered addicts with several years' sobriety. 

My dBPDw (soon to be ex) is high-functioning; meaning - saves it up for the immediate family and is otherwise considered charming and kind.  Problems were present from early on, grew worse over time and finally completely out of control five years ago.  BPD went undiagnosed for most of the 25 years... .or rather, MIS-diagnosed. It has taken me FOR-EVER to finally accept the BPD as a reality and it hurts.  From numbness I go to experiencing flashes of grief and loss, then anger over (multiple) betrayals & abuse, then exhaustion, then back to numb.  I am lucky to have a great T and support from friends, family and other "travelers" on this broken road.  PTSD really bites.

I suppose I will always love her in a way and be grateful for what good things we did have together, but at the moment it just seems... .empty; pointless and so... .familiar. 

[Loveofhislife]

This is a repost from another thread tonight; sounds as if this is a form of PTSD we experience. "After I was split black, for the first time in my life; I felt like I didn't know who I was or how I felt--I was lost. An entire year had been spent catering to exbfBPD. It was so weird--I felt empty and without direction. He certainly had tried to cut me off from everyone near and dear, but the only one he really cut me off from was me. I'm still trying to remember who I am. I just returned from a week of vacation with close family and friends--they would characterize me or talk about and tell stories about how strong and how stubborn and how tough I am. I wanted to say, "Who are you talking about? She doesn't live here anymore."

[letmeout]

When I read my old journals or think about the episodes I literally feel numb to them, like I am standing outside myself, or reading someone else's story. Has anyone else experienced this. Is it a normal reaction to abuse?

It is a very normal reaction because you were traumatized more times than you can count. Disassociation, depersonalization and emotional numbness is how you were able to survive that relationship. It takes a while to recover from those things.

I am still re-learning normal human emotions after spending 35 yrs with my BPDex. Its been 2 years away from his brand of insanity, and life just keeps getting better and better!   Enjoy your new journey!