Pressure to tie the knot

[NeedHelpPls]

Looking back, there are a lot of things I've overlooked, and ignored.

Because she was beautiful, she understood me, we were meant for each other.

I was the nicest, most handsome, greatest guy she ever met, after all.

Of course we are talking about getting engaged, and getting married within mere month or two into the relationship, I mean, we were a match made in heaven. Or so I thought at the time... .

I recall her telling me beginning of the relationship, I will not date you for longer than a year, if you have not proposed by then, I'm going to go look for something else, I'm not exactly young anymore, don't have time to waste.

I should have thought it strange, I mean who would impose an expiration date on a relationship that's just starting to blossom? but I brushed it off, thinking, yeah she's right!

Then came the incessant mentioning of engagement rings, the designs, what she likes, asking where I'm going to get her ring, when, and how I'm going to propose to her.

She actually asked, "February?, May? no May is too far, I can't wait that long"

When I refused to tell her, she would bargain to set at least a rough timeline.

I wanted nothing but to spend more time with her, so naturally, I thought it would be amazing to be engaged to her. Despite all the mood swings, inexplicable angers, I thought, hey once we are engaged, she'll calm down.

Then I proposed, and literally, a day after, we started searching for the venue. and within a week or two, we had a venue secured, and wedding date was set.

Has anyone experienced something like this?

I think it has to do with the fear of abandonment, and the commitment, being legally bound to one another, is something they seek thinking it would ease their fear. But everything I've read up on, what happens after marriage with BPD, the fear is still there, and sometimes even worse.

[levelup]

My (soon-to-be-ex) wife mentioned what kind of ring she would like within a few dates.  I just assumed she was joking around.

She also asked me how long after we were dating we could get married.  I told her that I didn't know, but I figured I would have a good idea if th Inga weren't working out by at most a year to two years.  Not knowing it at the time, she took it literally and marked her calendar.

Throughout the relationship, she would get into rants every once in a while about how much she wanted to get married and have kids.  I assumed that it was about excitedly looking forward towards the future, rather than desperation.

When we did get engaged (right at the two-year mark), I asked her to give me a few weeks before getting into wedding plans.  She didn't,  and rushed the planning so that we had a full wedding/reception six months later.  The fact that somebody else who we weren't close to, but was a friend of a lot of our friends, was getting married on the same day, was a total non-issue for her.

When I look back, all I see are times when I looked for the positive in every situation, but was blind to signs, that individually, may not have been a big deal, but in the aggregate, we're signs of much deeper issues.

As I look back, I feel like I was merely her ticket to having a husband and family.  Me, as an individual, wasn't really relevant... .or only relevant enough to try to keep me satisfied enough to not run away, but never anything more.

After the wedding was over, she got what she wanted, and she only cared about me keeping up the image of a perfect/happy marriage, regardless of what was actually going on.

[centralflarduh]

I think this is common because of the abandonment fears. But BPDs aren't emotionally intelligent enough to realize that an engagement and marriage will not fix any underlying problems. Mine gave me the ultimatum, if she was going to keep taking bipolar meds that would possibly make her gain weight, that I would need to marry her so she knew I wouldn't leave. All I could do was assure her that her looks didn't matter so much, I love her and not just her looks, afterall. She took her own statement as a proposal! I obviously declined, I can't be strongarmed into a marriage that's predicated on her insecurities. I made sure that was clear to her, but all that explanation did was start another cycle of splitting me black. 

[swimjim]

My exBPDgf gave me a marriage ultimatum after dating 6 months. My gut instinct said to wait. Then the devaluation started. Then I got split black. It felt good that she wanted to marry me but she saw me purely as an object, not someone she wanted to build a trusting and loving relationship with. I often regret not getting her the ring if it meant I would avoid all the pain that I suffered in getting dumped. But then again, I think she still would have painted me black sometime after we would have gotten married. I don't know for sure but marriage will not fix them. Once the Chase is over, they are really done with you and start looking for new supply.

[enlighten me]

My exwife forced the engagement and the wedding. She has also done this with her new husband. I now feel that its part of their thinking that if they can get married they will get the happily ever after they are seeking. Unfortunately life doesn't just stop there like in the movies. It goes on and just because your married things don't really change.

One thing I have noticed about both my uBPDexs is that they buy into music and films and believe that its how life should be. Huge romances where the partner will do anything for them and a happily ever after.

[whirlpoollife]

I met x2bh, one year later he proposed with all three rings. This after myself saying I am not ready for marriage. I said why not just the engagement ring? Don't couples pick out wedding rings together? He justified the three rings. He was Catholic and marriage classes were required. I was for the classes. His family demanded them to him. He talked everyone out of it. I did not want to get married . He gave threats of i will never see him again, I will be stuck where I'm at, I will never amount to anything, if I didn't marry him now. Six months later we were married by ourselves nondemoninational .  Three  years later I wanted divorce, he said I can't do that to him because then everyone will look at him as a failure.   My story goes on... .was married 27 yrs ... .

[elessar]

"I don't date. I am the type of girl that gets married." I heard this since college. So every time I wanted to be with her, or every time she was recycling, she would check up if I am ready to marry her or not. I don't even think she wanted to get married as much as she wanted to hear it so that she will feel that stability and security that she so greatly craved.