Writing a Letter to a BPD

[kookaburra13]

I met with my aunt recently to talk about my issues with my uBPDm and she was very supportive of me.  She also relayed to me that I have hurt family members who do not understand that I do not come home very much or communicate with my mother very much because of these bigger issues that I am dealing with and I that am truly doing what is best for myself.  I thought it would be a good idea to write letters to the family members effected stating that I am sorry for hurting them, that it was never my intention, and that there are bigger issues.  I also want to mention that if there is an issue that hurts them, they should come talk to me about it.  Anyway, I know that word will get back to my mother that I sent these letters, so I feel I should send her something too so that it does not seem like an attack on her.  I know some of you have written letters/emails to your uBPD family member.  How did your experiences go?  Any suggestions on what I should say/avoid saying?

Thanks!

[Turkish]

It seems like you feel that the contents of the letter may be shared with your mother. Are you going to write the letter with this in mind, or just write the letter to your family members and not worry about if the contents are shared with your uBPDm?

The distiction can be important, as it might affect the content.

[beatup]

My experience has been that almost everything written to my uBPDsis is misunderstood, misinterpreted and misquoted. I have always kept it short & succinct. Sometimes she will ignore the point altogether.

[Linda Maria]

Hi Kookaburra!  I agree with Turkish - think about how the letters will be shared.  My own experience has been that last year when my uBPDsis was at the peak of her abuse and attacks on me - as I didn't know about BPD then, and really had no idea what was going on, I wrote to her to put the record straight.  I ignored all the nasty stuff, and just stated the facts (it was to do with my Mum's estate - so it was stuff that had to be sorted out, rather than personal stuff), I stated all the options I thought there were about splitting up the estate, told her I would be happy to go with any of them, and would like her to let me know her opinion.  I said I didn't want us to spoil our relationship over it, and so would be happy to go along with whatever she wanted, once she'd had time to think about it - there was no rush.  (I know - what a pushover!)  But at that time - I thought by going into writing - the truth would be on record if I needed to involve other people later, and also - that she might realise that whatever she thought I had said - here was the truth - which was completely different - and there was nothing personal or negative.  Of course - I never got a response, and the lies about what I was supposed to have said to other people continued.  I did show the letter to a close family friend who had been told something very different and she couldn't get her head round it.  For me - going into writing in a black and white way, keeping all emotion out of it, not mentioning all the nastiness, made me feel better, more in control, and I knew that if I did get questioned by other people - I had something concrete that I could show them so they could realise she was lying.  I think writing the letters will make you feel better - as you will have put your side, and it is highly likely that other family members will realise there is something amiss, even if initially they don't want to get involved.  I think writing the letter to your Mum is a nice courtesy - it is you doing the right thing - to let her know that you want to put your side to the family, as you want them to understand there is another side - but you don't want to do this behind her back as you have nothing to hide, and only want the best for everyone. However I think it may well trigger a negative reaction - it is unlikely she will be ok with this or agree with anything you say.  Personally I would keep the letters as neutral as possible so the focus is on the fact that you feel very sad about the situation, would like to set the record straight, give some concrete examples that are provable, but also positive, i.e. you would love to make things better but it's not in your control etc.  Also - that it is just for their information, you don't necessarily expect anything from them, but if this does ring any bells with them, and they would like to talk to you further you would welcome that etc.     Don't know if any of this really helps, but I do know I felt a lot better when I had got it down on paper.  I said to the close family friend who had been told all sorts of stuff, that maybe it was better for us not to discuss it - as she was just in the middle not knowing who to believe - which wasn't fair on her - and I understood that.  My experience has been that as soon as my sis' antics start to impact on other people they come back to me wanting me to sort it out somehow - but I can't help.  Also - whatever letters I send her - however nice, friendly, neutral etc., either provoke no response, or a really nasty response.  Wish you well with it, look forward to hearing how it goes. JB

[HappyChappy]

My letter was I was suffering from PTSD and needed solitude. Just that. But my BPDm still managed to send miss information around and an Aunt wrote to me concerned I was about to get divorced and I didn't need to pretend about PTSD. Absolute rubbish - it's PTSD. Anyone that knows my wife and I would know we're solid allways have been. But we can't combat BPD propoganda without making it a full time job.  So you might as well keep it to platitudes and short. Don't ruminate over it, it won't help.

[TenaciousMe]

Hi there. First -   It takes a lot of self-awareness, clarity and courage to confront pwBPD.

My experience with my BPDm is similar to many others. When I write letters or emails to her - most recently after two years of NC - confronting her inappropriate or abusive behavior, it is more for my benefit than for hers. I no longer expect her to change. But it helps me feel more in control, and gives me a voice in a relationship that has always been one-sided. And yes, it is very helpful "for the record." It prevents me from getting sucked into her warped sense of reality when I have my own black and white proof of what was said.

As for her reaction, she either ignores it altogether or she totally misconstrues the message and rewrites history. It's actually been quite validating for me to see her reaction to my completely authentic, loving, diplomatic attempts at contact. I no longer blame myself as much as I used to. Her illness is more and more evident to me.

[Harri]

Hi Kookaburra, I hope I am not too late responding here.  I do not have any specifics to say or avoid in your letter as I never wrote a letter or told anyone in my family what I was doing when I found out about BPD, so I have no experience to share.  I will say though that whatever you do write, write it for yourself, say what is important for you to say, rather than focusing on your mom and trying to anticipate how she may react.  It has been my experience in dealing with all things BPD that whatever you do say (or in this case write) can and most likely will be used against you.  Avoiding conflict was never a reasonable outcome for me, so I learned to say what was true for me and then stand ready for any consequences (and when I first started doing this I was so nervous and scared my voice shook, but who cared?  I was standing up for me).

You owe no one any explanations.  Not your mother or anyone else.  What you can do, and what I think you did, was open a door of communication for those people who want to talk with you.  Hopefully they will contact you if they are hurt and leave your aunt out of it.  Really, I think it was wonderful and so very generous of you to write to them, but now it is out of your hands.  One of the saddest realities of dealing with our BPDs are the innocents who get caught in the cross-fire or who are bewildered by the change in the status quo.  You can't do much more than what you have already done.  As for your mom, I say write a letter to her for *you* if you need to.  Otherwise, I do not think she deserves any explanations or letters.  If she wants to know what is going on, she can ask you. 

[woofhound]

My experience has been that almost everything written to my uBPDsis is misunderstood, misinterpreted and misquoted. I have always kept it short & succinct. Sometimes she will ignore the point altogether.

I second that.

I've written several letters to my exBPD, generally during our break ups, in hopes of winning her back. The most recent letter I wrote to her was to explain that I had begun to understand that, despite the fact that she believed she was perfect (I didn't word it that way), I realized that she might have a real problem and that I wanted to work through it with her. She had only just admitted that she had a "fear of intimacy" on Facebook... .I also explained that I loved her, and if she could just open up to me and show me what was behind her "Wall" (both Pink Floyd fans) I would not hurt her.

Her reply... .first it was having sex with another guy and making sure I heard about it, and then she sent me a message when she was feeing guilty to say "F*CK YOU! I never had a problem. I only said that because you needed me to have a problem to feel ok!" (paraphrased slightly)... .

BPD people don't live on solid ground. Their whole world is like a sand dune. It is forever changing. I don't know how it will work for you, but I've found that any time I've written a letter, or, truly, even communicated in any way, it has been turned around on me later. For me, showing my feelings was like handing her a loaded gun and saying, "Here ya go! Don't shoot me with it, you obviously emotional infant."

[kookaburra13]

Well, I sent the letters.  So far some of my family members have come forward to talk about it, which is good.  My mother and I also met to talk and she did basically every textbook borderline thing in that one conversation.  The first part started with her warped views of the world and projecting on to me, the second part was her raging in response to something very minor that I said, and then she sort of calmed down and still refused to admit that something needed to be done, but I think we might have made a little progress.  She refuses to go to counseling though... .which I expected.  It just is unfortunate as I am sure you all know because I know what is going to have to happen eventually if this continues.  But at least my family understands better now... .Ah deep breaths and one step at a time. 

[Harri]

Hi kookaburra.  It sounds like you handled the meeting with your mom well and I am glad some of your family reached out to you.  Well done!

[Gerda]

I think it's worth doing if you're trying to connect with other family members. I posted about this myself before, but my father recently died, and since then I've been thinking a lot about how my mom has driven me and the rest of my family apart. It's like when I quit speaking to my mom, I lost all the rest of my family too. Now I'm trying to reconnect with the ones who might not be completely enmeshed with Mom. Some of them may have believed whatever horrible things my mom has been saying about me since we went NC, but maybe some of them have realized Mom's crazy too.

But I have to be careful, because if I talk to a family member who is still in contact with Mom, and they tell her they talked to me, and tell her what we talked about, and Mom will twist it around into something horrible and start trying to text or call or email me again. I had to cut off all contact with my younger sister because of that. I figured out everything I talked to her about would get back to Mom and get twisted around.

[Harri]

Hi Gerda.

I had to cut off all contact with my younger sister because of that. I figured out everything I talked to her about would get back to Mom and get twisted around.

Ouch, that hurts.  The person with BPD is hard enough to deal with without all the others playing an active role in the dysfunction.   :'(

[Gerda]

I'm pretty sure my younger sister "caught" BPD from my mom. When our dad was still alive, she would bounce between living with mom and dad. She would live with mom, they'd have a fight, she'd go live with dad, then they'd have a fight, she'd go back to mom, etc.

When she and mom were on bad terms, she'd call me up to gripe about mom. We'd have what I thought was a nice sister to sister chat, but then once she was on good terms with mom again, she would tell mom all the "horrible things" I said about her (of course leaving out how she really called me up to gripe about mom to begin with), and I'd get an angry call from mom about it.

Now that dad is dead, my sister is back with mom and has been saying who knows what horrible things about me.

I also had to defriend and block my sister on Facebook, because I never friended Mom to begin with, but I figured out that my sister was letting mom see what I posted through her account. And it would be totally innocent stuff, but mom would twist it around and freak out about it.

The thing is I also have a few other family members that may not be so enmeshed with my mom (at least they don't live with her!), so maybe I can have some kind of relationship with them. I think it's worth it to keep in contact with them, as long as I can trust them to not "leak" it back to Mom. But after going through all this with my younger sister, I'm just not sure. With my younger sister, it would seem I could trust her for a while, until she was on good terms with Mom again, and then suddenly they'd both be attacking me again.

This NC thing is complicated when you have other family members involved!

[Ziggiddy]

Just wanted to add in that I thought what Harri said was extraordinary. Well done.  In the milieu of this illness we can be so circumspect and set on outthinking and carefully  conveying etc etc.

Be true to yourself. Well put. Then all the misinterpretations in the world don't really matter. I like it

[Harri]

Hi Ziggiddy.  Thanks.    There is just no getting through to crazy a lot of times.  On top of that, for those of us who grew up with this craziness, I think the only thing you can do is to be true to yourself.  They are going to do whatever it is they want to do no matter how much we try to reason, deflect, or even avoid. 

[Angi]

That is similar to my situation. I am always thinking about whom to tell about my suspicions and what to tell, … I had written the same e-mail to all our family (also my parents) when my daughter came into the clinic with eating-disorder and depressions (much better now – NO BPD - luckily), with the intention to stop my mum from giving everybody false information. In this e-mail I hadn´t accused specifically my mum of having BPD, but was just speculating about what might be happening in our family (everybody knows we never had the best relationship)

The reactions of my family were different - so far quite positive all together.

I have had a very ill communication with my mum recently (I will never find out if it was a misunderstanding that we had planned to spend our holiday together or if my mum had changed her plans). I thought she might have been offended about me talking to other family members about BPD. But she invited us to come around after our holiday and didn´t mention anything, so I didn´t either. Nobody knows what the other is thinking and I didn´t have the courage to try to find out since then.

After this mail to everyone my cousin had the idea to organize a big family meeting, just because she felt it would be nice for everybody to each other again. My cousin said most of the family isn´t close enough to be able to find the correct view on things. And, of course, we agreed that that wouldn´t be the right occasion to talk about things like that.

My cousins and my aunt talk about BPD with me now (which is a relief), but they don´t mention it to my mum. I think the initiative has to come from the affected person itself. Or maybe there is a slight chance if a third person who isn´t involved finds some way to make it conscious, only if it isn´t a therapist normally nobody will notice (and therapists don´t either).

[phoenix39]

Hi there- 

in my experience, any time you try to write a letter *for* the BPD, to either avoid hurting them or make them understand you, you set yourself up for disappointment and pain, because they will ALWAYS misconstrue it. That is a losing game. Letters can be powerful and healing when you write them for YOU, with no expectations that they will be understood or appreciated on the receiving end. When you can send something and say to yourself, 'well, it had good boundaries, I said what I needed to say for my own sake, it was honest and nonmaleficent, and I'm happy with it" then you've done right. Though you care for them and don't want to be judged wrongly by them, you don't owe your family an explanation, and you may not be able to give them one that they will understand. This is the same family your mom came from, and it sounds like there is a lot of emotion and triangulation going on in this situation. Bottom line: protect yourself first. Are you sending these letters for you or them?

[phoenix39]

I just wanted to add that I've agonized over letters trying to write them in just such a way that they were so soft and gentle and baby chick-handled that I felt so certain they were beyond my mom's reproach or ability to misinterpret or be hurt--- but from her reaction to these masterpieces of eggshell-walking, you would think I had sent her a turd in an envelope full of broken glass. ::Sigh::

[Jema]

Letters can be powerful and healing when you write them for YOU, with no expectations that they will be understood or appreciated on the receiving end.

I would reinforce phoenix39's posts, having had much the exact same experience with my uBPDm. Until recently, I was writing quite toothy letters, saying exactly what I wished to say, but I never sent them.

Instead I am keeping a journal of these "poison pens", along with documentation of all the memorable history of our sordid encounters. This journal has helped me in the past to keep perspective of her illness and my proper response.

Now I am NC, but I still write in my journal occasionally; especially when I have a session (one or two a month) to check in with the T who was trying to help M and I communicate.

Cheers,

Jema