Ex is now an addict

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So I thought I had finally figured out how to deal with my ex. It took a long time, but we finally had a system that was working. I thought we were finally at a place that was stable and healthy (or at least stable and healthy as we were going to get) for our kids. And then I found out a couple weeks ago my ex has been snorting heroin for the past year. She's apparently going to rehab (which is good), but I'm now stuck explaining to my kids why they can't see mommy any more. It's so frustrating. How do you explain addiction to a 6 year old? How am I supposed to tell my kids they can't see their mother, because she can't stop doing drugs? It took me years to figure out the BPD thing. Now I feel like I have to start all over with a new problem.

I try my hardest to give them a somewhat stable life. I try my best, and it just gets undone by their mother's actions. And the worst part is, I know there's not really anything I can do about it. No matter what I do, she is going to have left a giant scar upon my children. All I can do, is try my best to minimize the permanent damage. I'm just so angry with her, and I'm tired. I'm tired of cleaning up messes I'm not making. I'm tired of covering up someone else's mistakes. I'm tired of seeing what this does to my kids. It's my job to make sure my kids don't get screwed up. That is the most important thing I can do. And I'm just tired of feeling like someone is sabotaging that effort.

[Rise]

So I thought I had finally figured out how to deal with my ex. It took a long time, but we finally had a system that was working. I thought we were finally at a place that was stable and healthy (or at least stable and healthy as we were going to get) for our kids. And then I found out a couple weeks ago my ex has been snorting heroin for the past year. She's apparently going to rehab (which is good), but I'm now stuck explaining to my kids why they can't see mommy any more. It's so frustrating. How do you explain addiction to a 6 year old? How am I supposed to tell my kids they can't see their mother, because she can't stop doing drugs? It took me years to figure out the BPD thing. Now I feel like I have to start all over with a new problem.

I try my hardest to give them a somewhat stable life. I try my best, and it just gets undone by their mother's actions. And the worst part is, I know there's not really anything I can do about it. No matter what I do, she is going to have left a giant scar upon my children. All I can do, is try my best to minimize the permanent damage. I'm just so angry with her, and I'm tired. I'm tired of cleaning up messes I'm not making. I'm tired of covering up someone else's mistakes. I'm tired of seeing what this does to my kids. It's my job to make sure my kids don't get screwed up. That is the most important thing I can do. And I'm just tired of feeling like someone is sabotaging that effort.

[Rise]

Now that I'm done having a melt down over this, I wondering if anyone had any sort of experience dealing with individuals with both BPD and addiction issues. I seem to remember addiction not being all that uncommon amongst people w/BPD, although it's been long enough now I don't remember where I read it. I've been looking through stuff from NA, but obviously they don't have to much info on PDs. If anyone has any sort of info or sources they could share it would be greatly appreciated.

[Matt]

Not exactly, but... .

My ex has BPD and some other stuff, and used pot to control her emotions sometimes, but probably isn't an addict.  Not a very heavy drinker either.

But my stepson - my ex's biological son - is a recovering addict.  His mom raised him, and treated him badly when he was little.  He started drinking at 12, other stuff in high school, and meth for many years.  He went to rehab in his mid-20s, and it helped a lot.  Now he's been clean and sober for almost 6 years.  He still has some serious problems but he's a good, honest person.

When he was in rehab, I got to take part in some family groups - my stepson and several other "students" at the rehab, and members of their families, and a staff member leading the group.  It helped me a lot to see things in other families that I couldn't see in my own - how family members tend to enable the addiction in various ways.

I think you can see the addiction as a symptom of the disorder - BPD or some other underlying problem.  Some pain deep down - probably resulting from some emotional trauma in childhood - and the addict is "self-medicating" to avoid feeling that pain.

Treating the addiction probably won't be effective for long unless the underlying problem(s) are uncovered and treated.  A 30-day rehab program can't do that, so it might get her off the drug but she's very likely to relapse pretty soon.  (Often the relapse might start with alcohol or pot, and then on to the other stuff.)  More effective rehabs are six to eighteen months of residential treatment;  the problem is, it's expensive, and disruptive to the addict's life.

Without a program like that, there's a pretty high risk of relapse at some point - could be soon, or in a few months, or even after years clean and sober.  You probably can't predict it, except that if she isn't in ongoing treatment the risk is higher.

I had to tell my younger kids - then between 6 and 10 - when their brother went to jail for DUI (three times) and when he went to rehab.  We visited him in rehab so they could see that it was a good place and he was happy there.  But you might want to talk with staff at the rehab to get their advice as to when it would be wise to bring the kids.

I think you can tell the kids the truth, maybe one kid at a time - I started with the oldest.  Think of the simplest way to tell them the truth so they can understand it, and then stop and see if they have questions.  Maybe something like, "Some people can drink alcohol and it's OK.  Other people drink alcohol and it makes them want more and more, or they use other drugs and it's hard for them to stop.  Momma is like that - she has that problem - so she is getting help so she won't use drugs."

If you take the kids to see their mom, first find out the setting - if it's very medical or more casual - maybe visit their mom yourself first to see if you think the kids will be comfortable there.  Do the other addicts in treatment seem happy and healthy, or are they in the early stages of their recovery and maybe a little scary for the kids?

And judge whether their mom is far enough along to do well seeing the kids.  If she's not ready, wait - tell the kids they can see her but not yet.  "Momma needs some time with the doctors to get better and then she can see you guys."

You might also see some examples on TV if you keep your eyes open - characters that are struggling with alcohol or drugs.  That could be an opportunity to talk about the characters with respect - "He seems to have a problem drinking too much alcohol.  I wonder if he'll get help like Momma is getting." or "She was using drugs but she got some help so I don't think she's using them anymore."

It's a disorder with a biological component and a psychological component.  It can be treated but not cured.  A recovering addict is someone to be admired;  but unfortunately nobody can say whether someone will relapse, or if they do, whether they'll get back into recovery and do very well.  Every day could go either way.  That's a lot for a small child to understand and accept.  You won't be able to accomplish that with one talk.