I made a huge mistake, I bit.

[anxiety5]

 

I made the decision after reading so much about validation and other skills, perhaps I could manage the relationship better. My girlfriend is an uBPD who I was once positive was narcissistic until a therapist pointed out that all BPDs are narcissistic. That made sense to me and after discovering the hallmarks of BPD It was quite clear that is what I was dealing with.

The past couple weeks I have managed every thought, invested in myself to take the pressure off of the relationship validating my happiness. I have been supportive during her difficulties at work, made special efforts to point out things around her home that she had been working on as she remodeled it. Taking extra time to ask questions, engage and genuinely express my interest in both the ongoing projects as well as the work she has invested into each one. Things were going amazing. Last week my Grandmother passed away. Needless to say, it's been a rocky week. It was partially expected and she lived a long and wonderful life but difficult in the finality of goodbye none the less. My girlfriend and I have been spending many evenings together since getting back together. I pretty much saw her daily at some point or another. No indications of anything bad, my senses always watching for possible signs of trouble had no indicators on their radar. The funeral was yesterday. I did not expect her to attend. I did my duty but the day was rough needless to say. She was supportive through messages most of the morning and afternoon. I asked her uncharacteristically mid morning if she had any plans that evening. She said no. I mentioned that if she didn't mind, I'd like to see her. That the day was kind of sad and I just wasn't feeling good about being home alone after a day in which you bury a loved one. I told her if she had things to do, projects to work on, whatever the plans I'd be happy to be put to use, help, or whatever but that I would really like to spend time with her that night. She replied instantly absolutely. Mid afternoon came and the services wrapped up. I ran a couple errands and reached out to her to see how her day was. I also thanked her for being supportive that morning and let her know I appreciated it very much. Not a problem! was her reply. I laid down around 5 and ended up sleeping until 6:30. I awoke right around the time I'd normally head over there but to my surprise no texts or calls. I reached out to her through messaging and asked what she was up to, maybe I would head over. She told me she was out getting some supplies. Never responded to the part where I asked if now it was ok to come over. I waited about an hour and reached out again. Mind you she has a child who goes to bed early and she often follows right away so not hearing anything by 730 or so is unusual for nights we are planning to hang out. This time she responded by telling me about stuff that was coming together here or there. I did not respond. A few minutes passed and I get a message that said, you can come but I'm doing stuff. Normally I would respond with, just let me know if and when you'd like to hang out, to such a message. On this day though I desperately wanted to just be around people and get out of here. I said, I will bring my shoes and if you need help with anything, I'd be happy to help you. I asked if she wanted dinner, she replied no. And I headed over.

This is where things get a little bit like the twilight zone.

I know she is under stress at work but I never know how it will come out. Anger, Quiet, Somber, Advice seeking? On my drive over I get a message just as I pull into the driveway that says she is tired. Normally if I had not left that is my indicator not to come but I was already there. When I walked into the house, there was a tension as thick as a heavy cloud in the air. Her child was repeating himself asking for some arbitrary item. Her lip stiff and almost quivering. No eye contact made. She frantically moves about in the kitchen from one station to the next before turning to say "look I'm just warning you I'm overwhelmed." She said so in a half angry half moment away from tear shed type way. I immediately jump in "Can I help? Anything, what do you need?" Nothing! She responds. See, I knew you'd come over here and do this. Do what? I asked, as she storms out of the room caught up in whatever artificially dramatized actions she was carrying out. I stand and await her return. Can I do anything to help you? No! Ok. I wait not sure where to step, should I stay stationary? Move? Leave and go to the restroom and try again in a few? I walk towards her and hug her from behind and kiss her neck and ask, are you ok? Do you want to talk about anything? No embrace back, just carrying on the tasks. A person rings the bell, she answers. It's the person who does the lawn. She is sweet and pleasant. She walks back into the kitchen as I stand there looking over unsure of what to do next. ":)on't stare at me like that!" she says. Defeated I just stand there. This is a person who when going through tough times when we first met I dropped everything for in a moments notice. If she couldn't sleep I'd come over at 3am just to hold her as she went to sleep. I don't recall ever "needing" her one time, until that urge came this night with everything that happened that day, the funeral, etc. She proceeds to go on a nonsensical rant that "You just don't get it. You'll never understand what my day is like, what I have to do with a child, etc." Mind you this is someone who I have tried, so many times to help carry a burden but she will never allow it. I'm close with her child. We get along exceptionally well. The times I've watched them have always been great but never any consistency to do more or to help. Now I'm starting to lose my patience. In my head I'm thinking, 5 hours ago I had my hands on my grandmother's casket as I watched her laid to rest. I watched my family, my mother cry in defeat, the finality of it all, the sorrow. What kind of sick person has such lack of empathy that they would do this to the very person who was ALWAYS there for them on the ONLY day I've ever really needed them? Sure you may have a lot going on you're a busy mom I've never questioned that, but she's a martyr and even still, you are going to trivialize DEATH with work stress or a whiny kid? I asked if I could help again, NO! and I said, I'm leaving. GO! as I stopped before leaving I said with a shaky voice "You know, I didn't deserve this today, of all days... " She said "Just get out, go!" And then I lost my cool. I blew a gasket. All the hurt, all the times she has screwed me over boiled over and I blew up and said a few choice words and didn't even bother shutting the door as I headed to my car. Before I could get there the texts came. She hated me. How dare I. Etc. They were delusional. How dare I do this to her. Why did I do that? Why was I so cruel? etc etc etc. I was in a daze. Defeated, I drove back to my silent home and sat here not sure what to do next. The anxiety had started in the kitchen but the 10 or so phone calls in a row sent it over the moon. My heart was beating a mile a minute. I told her I could not talk now I needed to cool down. The texts raged, again I blew up. I read her provocations and I spewed the venom that she deserved right back at her. Then the pleading began. She begged me to come back. She begged me to come, to answer my phone. I went upstairs and laid down. After 20 minutes I returned to my phone and it was silent again. I called. She was calm, almost cheerful. She said she had been hysterical. She said I tried to reach out. I tried to have you back but you wouldn't so I have nothing to say to you. She proceeds to explain to me that I fight nastier than anyone she knows. That I treat her like garbage. I reiterate each point, that a fight involves a provocation, I did not "fight" I was attacked. And I reminded her what happened that day and how the hell could she think she could do that on a day like today of all days. How I was emotionally wrought before even arriving, and could not whether such cruel and unexpected behavior. No accountability. She said I pressured her to hang out by asking again. This is pure delusion. I reminded her of the message we sent in the morning, whenever I make valid points the response is always the same "I'm done fighting" So there I sat, alone all night with the person who showered me with support all day, having successfully pushed me to the brink of exploding. With these people, if you make the choice to ride it out you CAN NEVER BITE. Everything that happens prior to that moment becomes forgotten. Only your behavior is focused on. You are painted black and there is no winning. I sit here now alone, shunned, stunned, but not surprised. What in the World was I thinking? There is no rational way to deal with someone who has no single linear thought based in logic. There is no rationalization. I blew an opportunity to win this situation, if I had only simply left. The guilt would have been triggered. She would be forced to view her actions alone, without myself being the scapegoat.

Enough. I'm not playing these games anymore. If you are being abused emotionally and are aware of it, who is really the abuser, your girlfriend/boyfriend or YOU for knowing how destructive the situation you are involved in really is, yet choosing to stay and endure more.

I'm still not sure what triggered this. I'm not sure it had anything to do with me it probably was work. All I know is if I ever needed definitive proof of a sheer lack of empathy, this was as close to it as one can ever get. Belittled, shunned, pushed to an anxiety attack, because of her work stress, 5 hours after I buried my last grand parent.

[pallavirajsinghani]

On behalf of the entire community here, please accept our condolences.  Losing a loved one is a great loss... .one loses the loved one and also the finality of death takes away the faith in tomorrow with them.  There is always the comfort of tomorrow and the hope that is accompanied with that thought.  This comfort is no more when the person is no more.  So, our thoughts and prayers are with you.

Today we cry together.  We mourn, we grieve. We do not hold back tears for your grandmother earned those tears as did all our loved ones who have passed away.  Your grief is a testimony to your love for her.  Accept your sorrow and grief gracefully.  Mourn her as she was loved.

Come to us for comfort, be with your mother and relatives for comfort... .for they are grieving too.

Your girlfriend has no emotional involvement with your grandmother... .possibly her psyche is not even aware of her as a person or as a presence or as an influential force on you.  Her lack of awareness is indeed heartbreaking.

You went to a dry well to get your thirst quenched.  You chased a mirage in a desert.  Don't blame the mirage, don't blame the dry well, don't blame yourself for your humanity.

You bit because you are human.

Forgive yourself.  Ask yourself how your grandmother and others who love you and wish you well would like you to live.  Then start building a foundation to live that way.

Live fully and authentically... .if not possible with her, then without her.

If not without her, then with her after learning how to live fully and authentically while loving a mentally disordered individual.

God bless.    

[anxiety5]

I can't possibly thank you enough for the kind words. Wow. Absolutely amazing. I appreciate this. Thank you.

[Caredverymuch]

I made the decision after reading so much about validation and other skills, perhaps I could manage the relationship better. My girlfriend is an uBPD who I was once positive was narcissistic until a therapist pointed out that all BPDs are narcissistic. That made sense to me and after discovering the hallmarks of BPD It was quite clear that is what I was dealing with.

The past couple weeks I have managed every thought, invested in myself to take the pressure off of the relationship validating my happiness. I have been supportive during her difficulties at work, made special efforts to point out things around her home that she had been working on as she remodeled it. Taking extra time to ask questions, engage and genuinely express my interest in both the ongoing projects as well as the work she has invested into each one. Things were going amazing. Last week my Grandmother passed away. Needless to say, it's been a rocky week. It was partially expected and she lived a long and wonderful life but difficult in the finality of goodbye none the less. My girlfriend and I have been spending many evenings together since getting back together. I pretty much saw her daily at some point or another. No indications of anything bad, my senses always watching for possible signs of trouble had no indicators on their radar. The funeral was yesterday. I did not expect her to attend. I did my duty but the day was rough needless to say. She was supportive through messages most of the morning and afternoon. I asked her uncharacteristically mid morning if she had any plans that evening. She said no. I mentioned that if she didn't mind, I'd like to see her. That the day was kind of sad and I just wasn't feeling good about being home alone after a day in which you bury a loved one. I told her if she had things to do, projects to work on, whatever the plans I'd be happy to be put to use, help, or whatever but that I would really like to spend time with her that night. She replied instantly absolutely. Mid afternoon came and the services wrapped up. I ran a couple errands and reached out to her to see how her day was. I also thanked her for being supportive that morning and let her know I appreciated it very much. Not a problem! was her reply. I laid down around 5 and ended up sleeping until 6:30. I awoke right around the time I'd normally head over there but to my surprise no texts or calls. I reached out to her through messaging and asked what she was up to, maybe I would head over. She told me she was out getting some supplies. Never responded to the part where I asked if now it was ok to come over. I waited about an hour and reached out again. Mind you she has a child who goes to bed early and she often follows right away so not hearing anything by 730 or so is unusual for nights we are planning to hang out. This time she responded by telling me about stuff that was coming together here or there. I did not respond. A few minutes passed and I get a message that said, you can come but I'm doing stuff. Normally I would respond with, just let me know if and when you'd like to hang out, to such a message. On this day though I desperately wanted to just be around people and get out of here. I said, I will bring my shoes and if you need help with anything, I'd be happy to help you. I asked if she wanted dinner, she replied no. And I headed over.

This is where things get a little bit like the twilight zone.

I know she is under stress at work but I never know how it will come out. Anger, Quiet, Somber, Advice seeking? On my drive over I get a message just as I pull into the driveway that says she is tired. Normally if I had not left that is my indicator not to come but I was already there. When I walked into the house, there was a tension as thick as a heavy cloud in the air. Her child was repeating himself asking for some arbitrary item. Her lip stiff and almost quivering. No eye contact made. She frantically moves about in the kitchen from one station to the next before turning to say "look I'm just warning you I'm overwhelmed." She said so in a half angry half moment away from tear shed type way. I immediately jump in "Can I help? Anything, what do you need?" Nothing! She responds. See, I knew you'd come over here and do this. Do what? I asked, as she storms out of the room caught up in whatever artificially dramatized actions she was carrying out. I stand and await her return. Can I do anything to help you? No! Ok. I wait not sure where to step, should I stay stationary? Move? Leave and go to the restroom and try again in a few? I walk towards her and hug her from behind and kiss her neck and ask, are you ok? Do you want to talk about anything? No embrace back, just carrying on the tasks. A person rings the bell, she answers. It's the person who does the lawn. She is sweet and pleasant. She walks back into the kitchen as I stand there looking over unsure of what to do next. ":)on't stare at me like that!" she says. Defeated I just stand there. This is a person who when going through tough times when we first met I dropped everything for in a moments notice. If she couldn't sleep I'd come over at 3am just to hold her as she went to sleep. I don't recall ever "needing" her one time, until that urge came this night with everything that happened that day, the funeral, etc. She proceeds to go on a nonsensical rant that "You just don't get it. You'll never understand what my day is like, what I have to do with a child, etc." Mind you this is someone who I have tried, so many times to help carry a burden but she will never allow it. I'm close with her child. We get along exceptionally well. The times I've watched them have always been great but never any consistency to do more or to help. Now I'm starting to lose my patience. In my head I'm thinking, 5 hours ago I had my hands on my grandmother's casket as I watched her laid to rest. I watched my family, my mother cry in defeat, the finality of it all, the sorrow. What kind of sick person has such lack of empathy that they would do this to the very person who was ALWAYS there for them on the ONLY day I've ever really needed them? Sure you may have a lot going on you're a busy mom I've never questioned that, but she's a martyr and even still, you are going to trivialize DEATH with work stress or a whiny kid? I asked if I could help again, NO! and I said, I'm leaving. GO! as I stopped before leaving I said with a shaky voice "You know, I didn't deserve this today, of all days... " She said "Just get out, go!" And then I lost my cool. I blew a gasket. All the hurt, all the times she has screwed me over boiled over and I blew up and said a few choice words and didn't even bother shutting the door as I headed to my car. Before I could get there the texts came. She hated me. How dare I. Etc. They were delusional. How dare I do this to her. Why did I do that? Why was I so cruel? etc etc etc. I was in a daze. Defeated, I drove back to my silent home and sat here not sure what to do next. The anxiety had started in the kitchen but the 10 or so phone calls in a row sent it over the moon. My heart was beating a mile a minute. I told her I could not talk now I needed to cool down. The texts raged, again I blew up. I read her provocations and I spewed the venom that she deserved right back at her. Then the pleading began. She begged me to come back. She begged me to come, to answer my phone. I went upstairs and laid down. After 20 minutes I returned to my phone and it was silent again. I called. She was calm, almost cheerful. She said she had been hysterical. She said I tried to reach out. I tried to have you back but you wouldn't so I have nothing to say to you. She proceeds to explain to me that I fight nastier than anyone she knows. That I treat her like garbage. I reiterate each point, that a fight involves a provocation, I did not "fight" I was attacked. And I reminded her what happened that day and how the hell could she think she could do that on a day like today of all days. How I was emotionally wrought before even arriving, and could not whether such cruel and unexpected behavior. No accountability. She said I pressured her to hang out by asking again. This is pure delusion. I reminded her of the message we sent in the morning, whenever I make valid points the response is always the same "I'm done fighting" So there I sat, alone all night with the person who showered me with support all day, having successfully pushed me to the brink of exploding. With these people, if you make the choice to ride it out you CAN NEVER BITE. Everything that happens prior to that moment becomes forgotten. Only your behavior is focused on. You are painted black and there is no winning. I sit here now alone, shunned, stunned, but not surprised. What in the World was I thinking? There is no rational way to deal with someone who has no single linear thought based in logic. There is no rationalization. I blew an opportunity to win this situation, if I had only simply left. The guilt would have been triggered. She would be forced to view her actions alone, without myself being the scapegoat.

Enough. I'm not playing these games anymore. If you are being abused emotionally and are aware of it, who is really the abuser, your girlfriend/boyfriend or YOU for knowing how destructive the situation you are involved in really is, yet choosing to stay and endure more.

I'm still not sure what triggered this. I'm not sure it had anything to do with me it probably was work. All I know is if I ever needed definitive proof of a sheer lack of empathy, this was as close to it as one can ever get. Belittled, shunned, pushed to an anxiety attack, because of her work stress, 5 hours after I buried my last grand parent.

Anxiety, I join in and extend condolences at your grandmothers passing. Surely this is a difficult time as would be expected.  I hope you and your family will heal together in the days to come. 

I am going to relay something my t told me when I recanted a similar questioning re my expBPD.  I, too, recall being received the very way you were on a day I needed support.  I actually can still recall the feeling of entering his home and having that gut  feeling I was not wanted there. The body language.  The look. The lack of acknowledgment.  I felt I was an unwelcomed guest.  After fulfilling a very long period of time providing unwavering and continual care, concern, support, and full presence for him.

I was going thru much and I turned to him.  The man I loved. Our day went much like yours seemed too.  Lots of confusion.  Lots of emotion.  Me leaving after expressing my hurt and immense displeasure at being disregarded so greatly.  Him texting me later pleading in fear of abandonment.  A long dramatic  text session. A " make up" of sorts. His immense reassurance that he did not lose me.  Then split black the next day.  Emotional exhaustion on my part. Such stress and hurt.  This was all long before I knew anything about BPD.   

I thought I was doing everything wrong and must be overlooking something. None of this felt normal so, I kept feeling all of those hurt emotions.

My t said just this when I asked why I was treated with such coldness.  " You had a need."

As I read your post I read you fulfilling a great deal of needs to your gf.  You sound like a very supportive person to acknowledge so much and provide such support. As I did too.  I got very lost in all of that delightful caregiving and the way I wanted to be there for my expBPD out of love and support. It felt so right to me.

After reading posts here, are you able to see a trend regarding the pBPD's need based behaviors?  And trends that occur when the non partner has a very real need? You may also notice similar behaviors when the non partner attends to others needs such as a family member or friends. 

And of course we all by now realize BPD is a disorder involving immense drama and chaos too.

Based on some of those commonalities, what do you feel is the cause of your experience you shared here?

I hope you are able to find comfort in knowing more about the behaviors of the disorder which help so much to depersonalize our reactions. I know how hard that can be to be sure.

Sending support to you at this time.  Keep reading and posting and taking care if yourself and honoring the memory of your grandmother.

[anxiety5]

Thank you for you kind words and for also sharing your experience. It makes me feel more at ease to know you went through something similar and somehow kept your sanity to survive and help others by sharing your experience.

I guess I was blinded by the initial and intense escalation of our relationship. I'm not sure if you read my first posts but the initial part of our relationship was love bombing and the only thing I can describe as an experience that made me believe in love at first sight. Much like I can view the love bombing as a "phase" retrospectively looking back now that I've lived it and acquired so much knowledge, I too pick up these red flags that were so obvious and there from day one. When I wasn't informed of BPD or the evolution of such relationships the only way I can describe when such a red flag moment would occur is just an odd peculiarity where I probably turned my head, winced my face as if to say "huh?" Yet, with no reference point or knowledge base it was chalked up as just a quirky comment.

To answer your question. I would say that my desperation (because I'm NEVER like that) specific to my "need" to want to be with her that night, most likely triggered an engulfment complex within her. As a person who so obviously lacks empathy, the narcissistic traits which run deep within her twisted condition may have also sought to protect the facade of perfection. Especially in phase 2 of a relationship that was off to a very great start. In short, she can't sooth or relate because she doesn't have the ability to do so. The fear of an awkward moment or any indication that she was not the nurturing caring person she perceives herself as most likely led to an engulfment dilemma wherein, there is no good way to tell me not to come yet having me come meant risking the exposure of a crack in the foundation of her facade. With the emotional base of her brain hyperactive, always trumping any sense of logic based thought, her impulses to protect, preserve and to push away were activated in a haphazard way much like her emotional thought process within her own mind. So the chaos of what took place was in essence a window into the turbulent way in which on a daily basis her hyperactive emotions hijack her senses, activate her impulses and extrovert themselves as a window into who she really is.

Even someone aware of this reads what I just wrote above and I think, absolutely insane.

There also could be a sub conscience narcissistic flavor to it but I really don't think she's malicious to this point, but then again who am I to say. A red flag that I recall was after she cheated on me (embarrassed to admit I was stuck by her guilt hook to carry on) I remember a couple weeks later I was upset about something. We were discussing our relationship. She turned to me and said, "You have all the power now." "This relationship no longer focuses on my needs at all." Subtle yet powerful statement. The very person responsible for the chaos and trauma I was enduring which injured me emotionally to the point of anxiety attacks, seemed to be grieving the loss of center stage. Perhaps and this is really sick, the hurt and the pain I was going through with the loss of someone I love actually made her angry and in a way jealous of someone having such power over her "object" Any sense of pain or grief should be at her disposal and dished by her alone. When I think about this, it makes me sick. Who knows though?

I will tell you this. I'm very close with my parents. My father is someone I talked very very highly of. And it's not just some father son type thing where I look up to my dad. He is a pretty remarkable guy who is selfless. This wasn't even his mom that passed, it was his mother in law. He's retired and he literally took care of her daily for 10+ years when she got sick. He treated her like his own mother. He also took in his sister when she was sick before passing and numerous other amazing things. I've noticed that whenever I mention something about how he's such a good and decent man, there is never a response from her via text. Even if mid conversation they will stop. Her dad I know little about. Her mom (who I highly suspect has BPD and was divorced numerous times) was married to him briefly. He was not really around. There is a dynamic that is very obvious and noticeable in her family wherein the women run the show, across the board in all families. That's fine, who cares right? But it's worse than that. The men are all these subservient people who just seem broken down. The snide comments, the belittling, I saw a lot of it on family vacations above and beyond what I'd deem "playful" And each time, they just take it. She's quick to point out wow your mom raised 4 boys that's remarkable, and she will go on and on, because she relates to that with her own kid. But ANYTHING regarding my dad, gets no response. Yesterday I mentioned in the afternoon a few things my uncle said during the service. I wonder if that triggered something. I'm not sure but there is definitely a misandrist tone to her side of the family. 

Hell I don't know. I didn't need a deep philosophical talk yesterday. I even told her, we don't need to talk about at thing, I just prefer not to fester in this house alone all night. Would love to come hang with you (and her kid) and we can do whatever it is you want, doesn't matter to me.