Today I had to leave

[Lava kintsugi]

I woke today to over 20 messages my husband sent as I slept beside him. Some lamented Klonopin being nearly impossible to OD on and some reiterated how horrible I am for drawing boundaries. I discovered I have many supportive people in my life and am in a safe place. I believe I'm going to be alright. Not right now but before too long.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Well done for making the decision to leave.  Yes it will be hard but you know you cannot live with this illness destroying your life.  He needs professional psychiatric help and you need to protect yourself from further abuse.

[Tibbles]

Well done on leaving. It takes great strength to do that. Look after yourself and do lots of things that build you up and keep you strong. Self doubt will come but it will also go. x x x x x x x

[OutOfEgypt]

Lava,

Good for you for coming to such a difficult and painful resolve.  The part about you being "horrible" for drawing boundaries struck a chord with me.  My ex still flips out and tears me down to others because I don't want her in my house when I'm not there.  To her, that is "contrlling".  It's like... ."Huh?  How is that controlling?  Because I want to control the boundaries of my own house and life?"  I don't even bother arguing about it.  I just restate what I want and feel as emotionlessly as possible.  She will never get it... .or probably more accurately, she does get it but will never admit it.

Once his tantrums die down because of your decision, be wary of a flood of promises to get help and change.

[Lava kintsugi]

The eerie thing is, he's not throwing a tantrum. He's changing therapists, writing his hobby to gain more time to do self work needed and being overall very mature. He says he knew it was coming, we'd been talking about it for weeks, just not "today." We had been thinking in six weeks after the performing season was over. His messages and realizing I could have woken next to his lifeless body crossed some line. I could not stay. As I walked out I felt free.

My fervent hope is that he does find recovery. I do not have the energy left to give him that hope too. We're still talking and I intend to ask him to meet somewhere in a few days. That way I can set boundaries, assess how quickly he's splitting and for me, I do love him and miss his not disregulated self.

[OutOfEgypt]

My fervent hope is that he does find recovery. I do not have the energy left to give him that hope too.

Good attitude... .Caring but truthful and realistic for yourself.

You sound pretty educated about this stuff, so I feel redundant (but compelled nevertheless) to just encourage you to use caution, else you find yourself being pulled back in for another round.  It happened to me.

[goateeki]

Lava, please be firm and stay gone.  Don't know you, but you will be in my thoughts.  Don't be pulled back in.  It's not real.  It's like that scene in Jurassic Park II where the bad guys kidnap a baby t-rex and stake it to the ground, using its cries to draw the parents back in so that they can be shot. 

I figure if I can't offer high-minded psychological insight, I can at least offer dinosaur movie analogies.   

[Lava kintsugi]

I guess I am pretty well educated on this. I read everything he didn't and more. I also have a DBT therapist. Our therapists written together so that's helpful too. If I decide to stop having a relationship with him altogether it will be respected too. I now understand the pattern and have the skills and tools to assert my boundaries.  I feared a night away would find me weak and terribly lonely. Instead I'm taking the steps needed to get the assistance I require to fund employment. I'm working with my director so that maybe I can still perform. I feel very solid while still recognizing and allowing the feelings of grief to happen.