Black hearts and White knights

[Chasing_Ghosts]

Reposting this from the undecided board as i was suggested to as it deals with LTR.

So i get the whole process of splitting. A coping mechanism as BPDs cant see shades of grey. Once they split you black for the first time its never the same even when youre white again as ive experienced. Almost like painting a fence that was once black you can always see the speckles of black and as time fades/chips the paints coat... the speckles become larger splotches till eventually black consumes the fence once again. So once this split happens is it game over for a LTR and were only seen as a spare for recycle attempts? Or is there anyway to reverse this?

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[maxsterling]

My feeling is that in their mind, they are already looking for reasons to paint you black from the second you meet.  They view the world as negative and out to get them.  You are like every other person your partner has dated, and therefore will eventually hurt them.  So, you have specks of black already as a result of your partners baggage.  Think about it - the first time you were painted black, I am sure it came as a complete surprise and as an overreaction to something you consider a small issue (or maybe you STILL don't understand it).  Your BPD partner was just looking for a reason to prove their paranoia and distorted world view "true".  The first time you were split black was expected and unavoidable, so the prospects of a LTR were equally bad from the second you met because no matter what you did, you would eventually suffer that fate.

Now I have read that the each subsequent recycle is shorter than the original r/s, but I don't think that has to do with having been previously split back.  I think it is because the "recycle" is almost never an attempt to resume the relationship in their mind, usually it's simply because they are lonely and broke up with your replacement(s)

[Chasing_Ghosts]

Thanks for the reply maxsterling. So what your basically saying is once the relationship is over that the recycles will never form back into a LTR... makes sense.

Oh and speak of the devil she just texted me that her gpa just died that i knew... whats her game... is this another recycle attempt or she needs a shoulder to cry on... HELP?

[enlighten me]

By telling you her gpa has died she has turned to you for support.

It is often said that you can gauge how white you are in their eyes by the personal information they share with you. For instance if communication is business like your painted black. If on the other hand theyre passing comment on people and trying to involve you in more personal matters then you are painted white.

There may not be much hope of a LTR but you can at least be supportive. If you are not wishing to re-engage and are strong enough to not get sucked back in then a message of sympathy would be ok in my opinion. I recently had the same sort of thing with my exgf where she lost her aunt and a family friend in the same week. We have a son together so I have to remain LC. I hope that by keeping things civil and showing sympathy and support where appropriate that if one day she hits rock bottom and needs help then she will turn to me. I say this not in some vain attempt to win her back but because I feel I am better equipped than anyone I know to get her the right help needed for her sake and the sake of the children.

[maxsterling]

The thing about these relationships - you will collapse if you spend too much time trying to figure out what they are up to.  That's because what they are up to usually doesn't make rational sense.  So her grandpa dying and her telling you?  Maybe an ulterior motive. Maybe not.  She may not even know herself!  But I do know that if you spend too much time trying to figure her out as opposed to what you want, they you will slowly watch your life circle the drain.  My suggestion is to send your condolences (to be polite) and nothing more.  If you want her back, tell her that.  But don't let her BPD world influence what you want in life.

Regarding the chances of a recycle attempt turning into a LTR - it's irrelevant.  Whether its pre recycle, 1st recycle, 2nd, etc, all have about the same chance of turning into a LTR because the chance of an LTR with a pwBPD is already tenuous.  The main difference is your knowledge and your desires about what you want.  Assuming the first recycle has about the same chance of a LTR as the initial relationship (which ended in a breakup), it's up to you to decide if you want to risk that cycle again.  In my case, I decided to "put the ball in her court", proposed to her, and left the rest up to her.  I'm fully aware she has BPD, fully aware that the odds of this surviving 5 years are not up to me and probably poor.  I do know that there are certain boundaries, such as a breakup, that would lead me to just walk away and never look back.  

[Chasing_Ghosts]

She sent "since you met him I should probably let you know my gpa ed just died a month ago. i just found out... "

Well i sent the message "that deeply hurts my heart to hear and im sorry for your loss. how are you holding up?"

So if she doesnt respond and from her response does that seem im painted black? I want to call her cuz im worried honestly she cared for him alot... would that be a bad idea?

[enlighten me]

If she doesn't respond it probably means she got what she wanted/ needed.

If she does respond then you have a choice. She may be trying to recycle you. You can either be sympathetic but distant or you can re-engage.

The choice is yours. Personally I went for sympathetic and distant. I have no intention of re-engaging.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

I dont think she will. But what was the point to see if im still emotionally available or just get validation/sympathy to feed her need? I honestly feel like she knows me enough that she wants me to call cuz thats what i usually do... so do you think thats possible... im just confused and now more hurt than i already was today.

[enlighten me]

What ive found with both my uBPD exs is that sometimes just knowing your there is all they need. By contacting you and getting a response it seems to satisfy their need. Without actually getting a straight answer the true relevance of this cannot be known

[Chasing_Ghosts]

So since she got what she needed calling her would be pointless. The thing is i have some things that i need to talk to her about as well as financial things shes been avoiding... so the phone call is my worry and concern but also serves the purpose of tying up loose ends. If she didnt respond to the text im sure shell ignore the call...

and i had a thought so if we dont serve their need by just being their would this trigger abandonment fears or would they likely just find someone else... and am i painted black since she texted me? sorry for all the questions this just has my mind going. i really appreciate all the responses.

[enlighten me]

Your probably in a transitional stage where you cycle between black and white. The fact she contacted you means that at that point you where white. The contact or your reply could bring up feelings of shame/ guilt and because of this your painted black again.

This could be why they don't reply.

If she replies then I would not bring up the finances yet. She may see it as you taking advantage of the situation for your own selfish needs. You could say at the end that you wish to discuss some other things at another time.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

that makes sense. idk why this hurts the reality of her seeing me as white for a moment gives me hope but then to be black that fast... for just caring makes me hurt even worse. I know its her disorder but my wounds are so fresh at this point its hard not to feel that way.

So is this transition something i should expect for a while like ill just get these random texts when she needs something because she didnt do this last time we stopped talking just got split straight black after the nc on my end for two months. If so can it go either way or is more likely to go black due to her shame/guilt?

[enlighten me]

Every BPD is different and depending on what they've done depends on the guilt/ shame that you bring out in them.

My ex wife left me in 2010. I was split black for a very long time. It is only in the last 6 months that I can even tolerate being in her presence. She has now remarried and is messaging me for advice. I have been split whiter than white.

My exgf on the other hand is cycling me black and white. She reaches out all the time but whenever Im in her company she always starts an argument. She normally then has a cry and then we get on and discuss what we need to. This black/ white behaviour is to do with her guilt/ shame which is still very fresh. She doesn't realise that I know what she got up to so the shame isn't as great. After a while her guilt/ shame will reduce and the more chance of being painted white. With my exgf most of her exs are spoken of as painted white. Only a couple that really wronged her are constantly black.

[waverider]

Trying to guess/preempt whether you are black /white, will cause you to feel uncertain about where you are and what you want. You will start to think and act re actively. You will loose focus. It can flip so fast that you will be trying to fit around what your last interaction was telling you, and you will be out of sync as she has already flipped around to the other view. >> you end up contradicting the mood of now.

Better to concentrate on how you feel, stay consistent and let her buzz around you like an erratic fly. If she wants to talk to you she can, if she doesn't then thats here choice. You just do, act and respond the same. She will come back, or not, that is in her control. If she comes back she will either stay, or not, that is her choice.

The initial idealization is unlikely to ever come back as that was based on pure fantasy with no "realities' to tarnish it. Having spend time together realities can be put on the back burner, but they will always be there to interfere with any fresh idealization cycles.

Its not an under coat of black that always reveals itself. It is more a case that the white was never based on a sound foundation. as it wears thin there is nothing underneath it, and so they then pour their own negative feelings into these empty gaps. Their feelings = facts, and are powerful enough to quickly overwhelm the remaining white. They have effectively projected their black negative thoughts onto their image of you.

The more you react to these endless inconsistencies, the more unstable you become the more you reinforce to them that you must be disingenuous and less trustworthy. The downward spiral continues. Its the shifting median effect, as you drift further from the rock solid image they initially thought you were.