I have been working on my attachment issues and trying to disassociate emotionally with xBPDbf after 12 months of NC. Last night I had a dream about him which I think is highly metaphorical. I even dreamed that I have posted about it in the forum and hence I had to do it in real life.
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I am in a house which has few elements that look like xBPDbf's house. There are lots of people in the house. I don't know what I am doing there. I find out that xBPDbf is going on a long trip with his gf
(my replacement basically). Hence everyone has gathered to say them goodbye. I see him walk around but we don't exchange words, neither do I get uncomfortable. I walk around and do my own things (I don't remember what). Much later, he is in the same room as me and he talks me (or himself I don't remember). It's his usual rants about how everyone in the world is mean to him and make life so difficult for him. I listen patiently without reacting. He leaves and his gf walks in. She starts talking about the difficult situation she is in and how crazy this trip is going to be. I listen and don't react. She also says something about how difficult it would be to paint without crayons/colors after he leaves
(my ex is back to painting in digital medium with her) (I don't understand this part of the dream). I feel like an observer who can read people's mind and doesn't react to anything. I see her limping
(she doesn't limp in real life) and walking towards xBPDbf. I wait to say goodbye but feel tired and plan to rest instead. I clean the bed in the room to take a nap. I see few things above the cupboard that I have been wanting to get back from him but at that moment I don't react. I also see a pair of lizard on the pillow and hush them away.
(I am not scared of insects and bugs). I am happy at how calm I have been entire evening, didn't panic in his presence and wasn't sad at all to see him with his gf. And I share this experience with BPD family as a big step towards success. I close my eyes. When I wake up, I am back in my room, in real life. And smiling thinking about this dream
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I thought this dream had many metaphors. First one is accepting the fact that he is going away from my life. That I am so tired of waiting for this moment that I decide to take a nap instead of saying him goodbye.
Second, he is content with his gf (which I didn't accept for a long time because he kept telling - I am with her only because I am not with you and I don't want to be alone). I see his gf as limping, which I think signify that I don't see her as a perfect match for xBPDbf or may be I am trying to find faults with her to not accept the fact that x is happy with her. Most important one is my response to this whole incident. I think that finally in my subconscious mind I have made peace with him and that him or his presence doesn't bother me anymore. I don't understand what lizard means but it's alright.
I feel that I have achieved major success in emotional detachment from him in last few days and this dream signifies the exactly same. It brings a lot of peace inside. Big hug and thank you this everyone on this forum who have helped me come so far.
