new drama, same cast of characters...

[sparrowfarfrom home]

86 yr old BPDm is coming for a 2 week visit--(oh joy)... .she lives in her own home 3+ hrs away with BPDsis.

I live alone in a 2 story house. I have my business in the house and see clients daily in a downstairs room. As a self employed person I cannot afford to take 2 weeks off 2-3 times a year.

These are the arrangements I have made in the past for her visits.

1)     3 yrs ago Physically  I held on to her up and down my steep stairs 2-3 times a day for her to sleep in the spare bedroom. ( I would take her back up  when I saw clients and then back down when I was done.  My brother and sister insisted it could be done and she wouldnt fall down the stairwell while getting up to use the bathroom at night. ( I was petrified that if she was disoriented and made a right instead of a left  she would be down the stairs) my sister thought I was being ridiculous to think this and to go to the trouble of finding a great big peice of plywood to block the stairwell each night.but I did. while I was working mother would come to the edge of the top of the stairs peek her head over the plywood and in an eerie voice say... "... .can I come down now?" not so good for business... .plus I almost fell a couple of times while doing this up and down routine. interestingly on a visit into town with her  she tripped and fell and had to be flown out to Shock Trauma in a helicopter for a brain bleed. (my bro and sis were mad about that--" a helicopter? how much is that going to cost?"  I live in the country,the city is 2 hrs away by car, 15 min by heli.

2)    2 yrs ago I did this a few times: cleared my schedule for 2 weeks, put a double size aerobed in the office/treatment room. broke down the massage table I use for clients, cleared off my desk and turned it into a place where she could put all her clothes etc. Boy did the bills not get paid those times.

3)    Undaunted by the helicopter incident sister still insisted on getting 2 weeks without mom ( sister does not have a social life-just sits around the house and eats and works).  Since mom and sis dont talk to me they decided this time to get her on a plane and  have her go to my brother's house in Florida--. a huge deal. lots of work for all.

4)   8 months ago sister was insisting that mom go upstairs again-"it would be no  trouble and you could still work" (all of this communication takes place in 3 way conversation , my brother being the go-between. I showed the stairs to a client who is a retired geriatric nurse and she said, "THAT'S CRAZY! WHAT ARE THEY - NUTS?"

so we get a single aero bed and plan to put it somewhere downstairs and deflate it every morning so I can work. well---when we try it out she cant get up from the bed by herself as it is too low to the ground. Scrap that Idea and she has to go on the couch.

My mother does not move when she sleeps-it's true and she is short. so she fit on the couch great. Once I got all the covers EXACTLY the way she liked them- she never had any complaints about the couch. I was amazed it worked out.

5)  now- she is scheduled to come in 2 weeks and is refusing to come because she is (according to my brother ) morbidly afraid of having to sleep on the couch again. So here we go again... .bro says that they " are ok with her going upstairs again... "

this time I say, " sorry , no." Can she bring the double aerobed put it in your treatment room and you could deflate it in the morning (sister says , " it just takes 2 minutes"  "no, sorry, that would mean that I would have to break down the massage table and put it back up twice a day, etc", I say.  ( I have just turned 61 and I don't have the energy and strength to do all this as if I were much younger). Also I just don't feel like busting a gut for 2 people who have caused me no end of misery and refuse to talk to me anyway-since I am so awful.  I am really happy with NC.

so now everybody is mad-at me of course.

I know this a a long post, but I like to  put the details in so as to make it understandable. I love getting feedback as I dont post often. That is why I am a part of this forum... .I thought of telling you all first. I would appreciate your varied points of view.

Btw I am getting Understanding The Borderline Mother from the library asap.

[Indie]

Hi Sparrow!

My first thought on reading your post was WOW... .you have gone above and beyond.   I don't know the details of the BPD behavior you are dealing with, or how it has affected you overall.  How does mom behave when she is around you?   I am also 61 with a BPD elderly mom.  I wasn't sure if you being happy with NC meant NC with your mom, or NC with your sibs, or all 3.   Since you are only 3 hours or so away, does mom have to come visit at all?  Can you go there instead for a weekend here and there? 

[sparrowfarfrom home]

thankyouthankyouthankyou for a reply... .

even a sentence or two from others can be copied into my journal or stuck in my pocket so as to stay strong... .sometimes i feel my post is too long and boring to read thru ... .i am guilty of not replying as well...

anyway... .BPD has made my life miserable overall. mother splits sis good, and brother as well. i have always been split bad.

the last 4 or so years have been spent learning about BPD, mourning the relationships I now realized I would never have, and now trying to set reasonable boundaries. my brother is a nonBP as was my dad. They were always the loving examples in my life--but brother gets sucked into being the man in the middle. Dad died in 1991.

Around me mom has always been cold, and unable to connect in any way with me.  She always thought I was being fake when I would reveal my true thoughts and feelings. I learned not to share anything with her. She has dementia now so it is even harder. Sister felt I was the cause of all the pain in her life ( mother agreed) and so I have been the subject of some distortion campaigns from sister trying to enlist the support of other family members. She moved in with mom 8 or so years ago and they now feed off of each other's toxic energy. neither has a social circle or friends.

Before the move mom and I would talk on the phone ( I would always call her) a couple times a month or so. It was never predictable. but we tried to understand each other. She was at times willing to try. Since sis and mom live together  my mom and I dont talk on the phone anymore. I offered to visit to help with dr.s visits etc... Sis said in no uncertain terms that  it would not be necessary-what she needed from me was to take her for 2 weeks at a time to give her a break.  That was how I could help. visits would always end in conflict so that was fine. I havent been up there is 8 or 9 yrs. The only reason I liked visiting is to see some friends. They are jealous of a family that I love to see when I go up there, suspiscious that I talk about them ( which of course I do! ). They got mad at me for saying no thank u to their insistance on me going up there to a therapist they liked to iron out our problems (mom's and mine). They havent spoken to me since.

so I am happy being NC with both of them. My bro and I talk all the time on the phone. He loves me as I am.

[Harri]

Hi sparrow!  Your post is not too long nor is it boring!   

I think it is wonderful that you said no to your mom visiting.  Like indie said, you have gone above and beyond in the past.  I am unsure from your first post if your mom is still coming to visit though?  Your brother and sister may be okay with her going upstairs, and they can say that all they want.  They are not the ones who may have to deal with her falling or you hurting your back while helping her.  Either stand firm on your "no" or tell them she will have to sleep on the couch.  It is a matter of safety for the both of you, especially because you are self employed and you need a good strong back to be able to do your job.  What would you feel comfortable doing at this point?

 

I am glad you had your father and brother as support growing up, though I am sorry to hear your father passed away.  That must have been hard for you.  Have you ever told your brother that you do not want your mother visiting and to stop trying to intervene and pressure you?  I know you said you have a good relationship with him but if he keeps inserting himself into situations where you are the one who should get the final call about her visits, would you feel comfortable telling him to stop?

[Panda39]

This time I say, " sorry , no." Can she bring the double aerobed put it in your treatment room and you could deflate it in the morning (sister says , " it just takes 2 minutes"  "no, sorry, that would mean that I would have to break down the massage table and put it back up twice a day, etc", I say.  ( I have just turned 61 and I don't have the energy and strength to do all this as if I were much younger). Also I just don't feel like busting a gut for 2 people who have caused me no end of misery and refuse to talk to me anyway-since I am so awful.  I am really happy with NC.

Great job setting your boundaries!  You are allowed to look out for yourself and take care of yourself she is a guest in your home.  I'm so glad you have your brother he sounds like he "gets it".

Keep standing your ground.

[sparrowfarfrom home]

love this, guys, thanks for the support

here is what I emailed Bro. edited for names etc:


Dear Bro,


I think u will find the answers to the latest 'drama' in this email so read carefully... .


1   There is no crown on V’s (mom’s first name initial)  head so she needs to put up with some inconveniences in life. ( as you know, Queens do not have to).

2    In an attempt to get 2 weeks off when they were in the middle of not talking to me they decided to have her take a plane to your place in Florida. Remeber she was petrified of planes. A fter that visit( you were sick with a bad cold almost the entire time, and she had MRSA which concerned you, and after all the attention u gave her she was a b**** to you)  and  after the visit you said  to both C  and me, "that's it-she's an unreasonable woman and from now on what we say goes, and she either lives with it or she goes into an assisted living facility... .( or words to that effect).    So- I am still working off of that strategy you put in place.

3    She being UNreasonable and here is why.

    a)     If C  did not hear about that couch for the whole ride back home and thereafter, then it wasn't an issue.

    b)     every morning V and I would have a converstation like this:

" so, did u sleep ok?"

"yeah, But it's hard to get comfortable" (she insists on wearing her furry boots in the bed --on her feet-- and two big blankets that I have tuck in just right, all around her, like a double enchilada ) .

"so its hard to get to sleep?"

"yeah, kind of."

"how about during sleep, do u toss and turn, do u have pain?"

" No. I'm asleep"

"so after you fall asleep you're ok?" 

"yeah, I don't notice anything when I'm asleep"

she falls asleep in under 10 minutes... .and I hear her snoring all nite long.

and NEVER a complaint during the day about anything that hurt b/c of sleeping on the couch. As we know V does not move an inch in her sleep... .ask C.

4    C  is getting upset not b/c of V's discomfort but because C's 2 weeks of freedom is in jeopardy. That is why she is  getting upset if I don't accomodate V's wishes.

We already decided no upstairs -period. My boundaries are not selfish - they are reasonable and I am not defending them. It is dangerous. for both of us.

5    When DIL bolted out of our lives the day I was supposed to pick V up last year and I was in shock and asked for a second day before I came up, V on the phone said to me ( with C screaming in the background)  "you are ruining C’s vacation!.

So- someone can say that to V. if she insists on her preference here and starts this refusal crap. She would be ruining C's vacation.!

6   C has the upper hand here. V is not going to push things too far with C. She knows she has it good.  V just doesnt like any change and she is grabbing onto this issue due to her anxiety.

7   As for me, i have been feeling physically worn out and older by each second with all the chores i have to do around here. I just cut the front bushes in 90 degree heat and have to reseed bare spots in the lawn etc, also need to put gutter guards up etcetc. This is all the time, not just today... .It would be so much easier for me if I did not have to inflate, make up ,deflate  the large aerobed every day but if anyone insists on it I will do it. I just would rather not have to. 

guess thats about it.