Commitment phobia

[elessar]

Hey guys,

I have a question. I have read a lot in articles that borderlines cannot commit. That's why they run from person to person. That they cannot maintain an emotional commitment. But did you guys feel that your pwBPD was committed to the relationship?

When I dated my ex during college, I felt she was totally into the relationship and committed to be with me. Yet she broke it off out of the blue after graduation.

When she came back 4 years back, I experienced commitment from her for only two days - on two of my birthdays... .for 3 hours one year, and for 3 days another year. Else, whether we were together or we were recycling, if the topic ever moved to "us", she was always "I don't know/I am not sure". So I never really had that concrete commitment from her.

When she started talking to or seeing other guys last year, she would complain to me how she can't make an emotional attachment to anyone. This year her parents had picked a guy for her from maybe April or May. That was when she started recycling me again about how her crazy parents were forcing her to get married. During that entire time she love-bombarded me. I know from experience that if she is talking to someone else, she completely stops talking to me. So she most likely wasn't talking to him. Yet during July 4th weekend, she made another new dating profile and couple of days later just decided to marry this guy her parents had picked for her. I am just wondering what made her "commit" to him. If she was interested in him, why pull me in like that during the previous few months, or why make a new dating profile. Or is that "commitment" to him because she turned 30 and she had been freaking out about it for years as to how she is getting closer to 30 and not married yet. So two weeks after turning 30 she picked the first guy who was available because she knew she couldn't make that commitment to me.

What are your experiences about getting a sense of commitment from them?

[Chasing_Ghosts]

Hey elessar,

To answer your question from my experience commitment is something our BPDexs dont have the emotional development to provide. For example a young child isnt ready to be married let alone share and intimate relationship. Since our exs are essentially stuck at that emotional level commitment isnt in there capacity to provide i dont believe other than moment to moment. Alot of it has to do with fantasizing commitment then actually being able to fallibly hold up the idea to match their actions. For example my ex got me sent to jail on some trumped up charges after her rage/faux breakup and i was out a few weeks later. We reconciled, went to a music festival, and had an amazing time. Well during the end succeeding into the weeks to come she started wanting me to call her my fiance and was bringing up marriage. Then the idealization period started to wear off and so did the talk of being my "fiance". My point being i think they get caught up in their BPD reality and let their imaginations take control of reality for points but then it starts to wear off as they realize the emotional attachment that comes with such a commitment. This triggers abandonment fears so they take the relationship back to a more comfortable place or push us away.

I am just wondering what made her "commit" to him. If she was interested in him, why pull me in like that during the previous few months, or why make a new dating profile.

I think this has more to do about triangulation due to the commitment. My thoughts are she was feeling stress in the relationship(the thought of marriage probably being the trigger) with the new guy So she needed to bring you into the mix to relieve some of the tension/pressure with the new guy. When this didnt fulfill her needs she chose to look elsewhere for attention/validation/triangulation(hence setting up the dating profile after contact lessening with you.) I can only assume her efforts came up fruitless on the dating websites so she went back to the new guy and agreed as its security like because in a sense im sure hes her current insurance plan. To add onto this my ex would tell me specifically about one ex(her longest relationship next to me) that she stayed with because she felt secure and safe but didnt really like him but she knew he wouldnt leave her thus her abandonment fears were satiated for alot longer.(they were together almost 2 years like us) So this could be very well the explanation for these behaviors.

So two weeks after turning 30 she picked the first guy who was available because she knew she couldn't make that commitment to me.

Its nothing personal my friend so i hope you dont take this to heart. You did all that you could and i bet went above and beyond like most of us did to make these relationships work. I know it must hurt trust me i hope i never hear of the day mine is getting married. But at the same time think of this mans future it will not be anything different than what you experienced in the relationship... more of the same except theyre legally bound so its just going to get that much more complicated. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy...  

[topknot]

He tried to have a committed relationship with me and live with me.  It only lasted about six weeks.  I made myself a crazy person trying to be everything he would want - beautiful décor, dinners, meet you soon in bed, sweetie - the whole nine yards.  After about a month, involvement began with other women.  I could see the complete excitement when his text would go off, and his sudden non-interest in whatever was happening in the home.  I became boring, and since I would not tolerate his carousing, he left, saying it was all me.  I said I don't think so.  And I told him exactly this in a text, which he ignored.  I know what I see, and I know when someone is "emotionally cheating" on me, and I am done with that.  So to answer your question, he totally cannot be in a committed relationship.  He needs the stroking of women flirting with him to make him feel complete. I can't do that.