She breaks NC after almost 3 weeks - Have I stepped backwards?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I was nearly 3 weeks from the breakup (and NC) last Friday morning.  I woke up and did my 20 minute meditation.   I felt some sense of peace for maybe the first time in the morning, which has been the hardest time for me and still is.   I looked on my email and saw a cute girl sent me a message online (dating site).   I couldn’t find my cigarettes and decided it was a sign to not have one (I’m giving these up anyway), and took a shower.   I felt peace for maybe the first time.   And then my phone buzzed on my couch.   It was a new number I did not recognize... .   So I picked it up.   It was her.   

I asked why she was calling, and she said something about not feeling great where things left off with her being "upset"… I interrupted her and said I don’t want to talk and I don’t want to fight, you can email me.    She said there was nothing to fight about, and started talking more… when I interrupted her and said “whatever you have to say you can email me, I don’t want to talk, I have to go, bye.”  And I hung up on her.   That took a lot of strength, because talking was tempting. 

She sent an email within minutes, but I chose not to read it until the end of the day, after I completed work and did what I needed to do.  I knew the email might de-rail me from a productive work day, and I was right.    So when I read it, it basically said this:   

“If you’re wondering why I’m sending this, I think it’s because I’m writing this email more for me than for you … I know you are still mad at me because of what happened and because you are an angry person… I felt things were not fair in the relationship because I have been denying the fact that I am still in love with my ex.   He has done everything for me and continues to do so much for me and my family, and I could never find it in my heart to cut him off from my life, even though I know that is what you wanted.     If I was not still in love with him then who knows, maybe you and I would have worked out.   But he has always been there for me and continues to be and you and I never had that kind of relationship.   A friend told me you have a dating profile online and I hope that you find a great woman.   You are crazy but you have great qualities.   I’m sorry it was never fair to you... ”   

The email obviously was a lot longer than this but the above summarizes it.    It has left me thinking what the heck was the purpose of sending this to me?   Does she want to mess with me, or hurt me, or just rationalize her decision to end it?    Two people in my life said this is her way of trying to come back into my life again, and she wants me to plead for her back.   That isn’t going to happen, but my ego kind of likes that idea.    I can’t believe within minutes of finding “peace” for the first time she calls me.    I have now blocked that new number, along with her old one.   

I’m continuing to struggle with this all, it’s only been 3 weeks since the breakup.   I don’t know what she wants from me, if she’ll try to contact me again.  I don’t know why she wants to tell me about her Ex, I always suspected something was up there and it definitely bothered me.  Now I suspect the guy gives her and her family money, but who knows, and who cares…it does not matter.   But I still cannot stop thinking about her, and it’s obsessively about the physical (s*x) part that I no longer have, and who she may be with now, I really can’t help those thoughts and want them to stop.    I don’t know if she will try to contact me again, either by email, a new phone number, or even just showing up at my apartment.    She is back on the other side of the country now visiting her family so she is not in the city for another week, which has been a relief for me mentally.    But I’m afraid of how I’ll feel when I “know” she is in the city again, if she may contact again, and going back into these obsessive thought cycles.    I suspect this is not the last time she will try to contact me, even though I cannot figure out what she wants, or if she just wants to feel better about the breakup (which was her decision at the end).       

I remain grateful the relationship is over but it doesn’t mean I am not struggling with a lot.  I have known for months this toxic person in my life was taking me down.   When I signed up for therapy toward the end of the relationship I told there therapist I was there because I needed help – I knew I was in a toxic relationship but would not end it, and I did not understand why.     But the relationship looked good on the outside, it felt good in my apartment and in my bed, and it filled that space in my life that longs for someone to be there with me.   

Tonight I see my T again, which seems to be helping a little.    Thank you to anyone for any feedback or advice on this.   

[Ryan9181]

I was nearly 3 weeks from the breakup (and NC) last Friday morning.  I woke up and did my 20 minute meditation.   I felt some sense of peace for maybe the first time in the morning, which has been the hardest time for me and still is.   I looked on my email and saw a cute girl sent me a message online (dating site).   I couldn’t find my cigarettes and decided it was a sign to not have one (I’m giving these up anyway), and took a shower.   I felt peace for maybe the first time.   And then my phone buzzed on my couch.   It was a new number I did not recognize... .   So I picked it up.   It was her.   

I asked why she was calling, and she said something about not feeling great where things left off with her being "upset"… I interrupted her and said I don’t want to talk and I don’t want to fight, you can email me.    She said there was nothing to fight about, and started talking more… when I interrupted her and said “whatever you have to say you can email me, I don’t want to talk, I have to go, bye.”  And I hung up on her.   That took a lot of strength, because talking was tempting. 

She sent an email within minutes, but I chose not to read it until the end of the day, after I completed work and did what I needed to do.  I knew the email might de-rail me from a productive work day, and I was right.    So when I read it, it basically said this:   

“If you’re wondering why I’m sending this, I think it’s because I’m writing this email more for me than for you … I know you are still mad at me because of what happened and because you are an angry person… I felt things were not fair in the relationship because I have been denying the fact that I am still in love with my ex.   He has done everything for me and continues to do so much for me and my family, and I could never find it in my heart to cut him off from my life, even though I know that is what you wanted.     If I was not still in love with him then who knows, maybe you and I would have worked out.   But he has always been there for me and continues to be and you and I never had that kind of relationship.   A friend told me you have a dating profile online and I hope that you find a great woman.   You are crazy but you have great qualities.   I’m sorry it was never fair to you... ”   

The email obviously was a lot longer than this but the above summarizes it.    It has left me thinking what the heck was the purpose of sending this to me?   Does she want to mess with me, or hurt me, or just rationalize her decision to end it?    Two people in my life said this is her way of trying to come back into my life again, and she wants me to plead for her back.   That isn’t going to happen, but my ego kind of likes that idea.    I can’t believe within minutes of finding “peace” for the first time she calls me.    I have now blocked that new number, along with her old one.   

I’m continuing to struggle with this all, it’s only been 3 weeks since the breakup.   I don’t know what she wants from me, if she’ll try to contact me again.  I don’t know why she wants to tell me about her Ex, I always suspected something was up there and it definitely bothered me.  Now I suspect the guy gives her and her family money, but who knows, and who cares…it does not matter.   But I still cannot stop thinking about her, and it’s obsessively about the physical (s*x) part that I no longer have, and who she may be with now, I really can’t help those thoughts and want them to stop.    I don’t know if she will try to contact me again, either by email, a new phone number, or even just showing up at my apartment.    She is back on the other side of the country now visiting her family so she is not in the city for another week, which has been a relief for me mentally.    But I’m afraid of how I’ll feel when I “know” she is in the city again, if she may contact again, and going back into these obsessive thought cycles.    I suspect this is not the last time she will try to contact me, even though I cannot figure out what she wants, or if she just wants to feel better about the breakup (which was her decision at the end).       

I remain grateful the relationship is over but it doesn’t mean I am not struggling with a lot.  I have known for months this toxic person in my life was taking me down.   When I signed up for therapy toward the end of the relationship I told there therapist I was there because I needed help – I knew I was in a toxic relationship but would not end it, and I did not understand why.     But the relationship looked good on the outside, it felt good in my apartment and in my bed, and it filled that space in my life that longs for someone to be there with me.   

Tonight I see my T again, which seems to be helping a little.    Thank you to anyone for any feedback or advice on this.   

[LettingGo14]

You have not stepped backwards.

This is the path we walk.   It's not linear, but it does lead us back to ourselves, and to good mental health.

Many members have felt the push & pull of our exes.   It's so difficult to extract ourselves from the playing field.   We internalize the words said. 

You are no longer obligated to figure out what she means with her words.   If you focus on what you feel & allow yourself to breathe through the emotion to let go, you may find space for healing.

Be kind to yourself, Ryan9181.   You are doing the work.

[freedom33]

Hey Ryan - This is all a very natural part of the process as LettingGo said. It's a shame that she managed to break NC just as you were feeling a bit better. Somehow I have noticed how this happened with my ex too. But this equips you with even more strength for the next encounter. Do you have a plan and what are you going to do if she contacts you again?

I looked on my email and saw a cute girl sent me a message online (dating site)... .

A friend told me you have a dating profile online and I hope that you find a great woman.  

These two references above, reminded me of my ex telling me at the start of our relationship a story about how she created a fake female profile to stalk and eventually contact and frame her ex boyfriend during a break-up cycle (apparently they met at a dating website and he had his account active... .). I chose to ignore.

[Ryan9181]

Do you have a plan and what are you going to do if she contacts you again?

Not exactly.  Other than to ask her to no longer contact me whatsoever.   At this point the only options she has are to e-mail me, show up outside my apt, or call from another new # (which I wont answer) because I have now blocked two of her numbers.   

At the same time, a part of me wants her to reach out again.  I want to know she is suffering like I have been.  I want her to feel abandoned.  I dont know why I have this desire, because I dont want to get back together.  I wont go back with her, it would be an insane move.   But why do I feel these urges, is it normal?

[freedom33]

Yup. It's perfectly normal. You have been mortally betrayed. Your ego has been crushed. I had the same feelings. This is what I wrote back in April. And then I was charmed back in a week later. NC is critical!

'Broken down little by little. Ended up feeling like I had no balls. I have been no contact for almost 4 weeks. Today a massive anger broke through. I realised at a feeling level all the ___ing abuse and betrayal I went through and the worse of me came out. I never thought I could hold so much anger and dark feelings of vengefulness towards anyone. But today I recognised it. Boy I ___ing hate her! Enough with the nicey nice compassionate persona. It's  shame that I couldn't tell all that to her face and what a sadistic piece of ___ she is and ended it all nice and compassionately within reason. I wish her the worst right now'