Great grief caused by sister with BPD living with our elderly mother

[WillieH]

Four years ago my middle aged sister moved in with our elderly mother, initially due to my sister's own perception of financial need.  my mother welcomed this, at first, but soon learned that my sister was very difficult to live with.  I happened to visit them for a while within the first months (i live far away) and the situation immediately caused me much distress and upset.  my sister had 'taken over' the house which my mother had lived in since the 1950s, and in which we grew up.  she painted walls, moved my mother put of her bedroom, threw away certain of mum's items without consulting her, and when i asked her about this (the latter action), she  immediately broke down into hysterics, ranting that ‘it was her home too’ and that she thought ‘i was on her side.’  Mom was so upset by the situation, she begged me to speak to my sister. but i had already appreciated that my sister was not to be treated as 'normal', and i feared if i spoke to my sister on mom's behalf that, after i left, my sister would take it out on mom.  i left the visit feeling bludgeoned and upset, and sickly worried for my mom. 

By the next visit i was able to make, in about a year, my mom had deteriorated.  Previously she had been able to do most everything herself. now she was a shell of her former self.  my sister had, during this period, informed me that mom was deteriorating, but i think this is more down to my sister’s hobbling of mother more than the progress of the Alzheimer’s she had coincidently (?) suddenly developed.  at the same time my sister initiated proceedings to take 'power of attorney' over mom.  when i carefully asked for clarity as to what this meant, my sister went into a vicious spiral whereby she began berating me for imagined transgressions, threatened to cut me out of her and my family's life, and so forth, in long, meticulous,  vicious correspondence. 

Anyway, four years have passed.  the entire time I have been to some degree consumed by the situation, esp with regards as to my mother's welfare.  i cannot enumerate all the of torment my sister has put me through during this time – she basically treats me as a threat and an adversary, and with great contempt,  and i just try and gingerly and delicately not cause her to spiral even more out of control. 

my sister treats mom like an idiot, speaking to her like a moronic child, shouting at her, feeding her a repetitive diet, not letting her walk or dress or watch tv, keeping her sitting in an arm chair all day long.  i cannot tolerate being with them, the way my sister treats my mother so upsets me. but i cannot say anything, it only makes it worse.  and as i not live there and live remotely my sister says i have no rights to comment or have an opinion etc.  Also during this time my sister has taken all the family assets, incl the house, under her name, and she now treats my parent's assets as hers and hers alone.   so in addition  to the emotional upset caused by my sister, there is a financial element which i am unhappy to sit by and watch, as she seizes our families assets for herself.

The amount of anger, rage, upset, fear, loathing, confusion, etc etc within me came to a head in June this year as i was preparing to make another several week trip home.  in advance of this, my sister informed me i had no rights of access to 'her' home, and, again, enumerated a great list of trumped up and imagined violations i had committed against her.

This time i had a 'nervous breakdown' and was prescribed tranquillisers, sleeping tablets, beta blockers, etc,. and had to cancel the trip home.  since then my sister has, as is her want, to reverse to acting nicer towards me and wishing me 'peace', which, i think she thinks, elevates her and further condemns me as the transgressing party.

If it weren't for my poor mom, who i believe has been victimised by my sister, i would be happy to cut all ties with my sister. there are 10 years between us and we so i would not lose much, but rather have much to gain were I shot of her.

I had no inkling of what she was like until this happened. She left her husband of 35 years 7 years ago, at the exact time of our fathers death.  she has a very fractured relationship with her children, who want little to do with her now that they are adults.  not surprisingly, no one in the family will get involved in this, even if to just talk to me about it. 

I am now a nervous wreck and realise i need to find a way to handle this myself as it is having very negative impact on me. and I am so distraught over the conditions that my mother has had to endure under that malevolent dictator lo these past few years. 

At this point i have told my sister i cannot correspond with her for the moment as i am too unwell.  it is because i know from experience that there is nothing i can say or do that will help the situation for either me or mom, and, if anything, anything i say makes things with my sister worse.  but i cannot continue to just sit by whilst my mother is under this situation,.  my sister treats my mother with .  I am already racked with guilt that i allowed this situation to happen for so long.  I have lost all self respect and find it hard to bare myself.

I have spoken to this with friends etc and, although it takes people a while to understand the complexity and nuances, no one has been able to offer me any fruitful advice, and i cannot carry on. 

Please can anyone help with any meaningful advice specific to my situation? Thank you in advance.

[Harri]

Hi WillyH.  I am sorry your are in such a difficult position.  Dealing with family issues is hard enough but you have the challenge of distance and your own health issues to deal with at the same time.

I think I read in post on the Intro board that you will be seeing a therapist soon, one who specializes in CBT?  I think that is a wonderful thing you are choosing to do.  It is so important to take care of yourself too.  I think it might be an advantage to have an established relationship with a therapist should you decide to call Elder Services in your moms home area.  There are professionals there who can help you and your mom, but that is a big step and it might be best to wait a bit until you have some support of your own.  If you do go this route, do not 'warn' your sister. 

Other than contacting elder services, another suggestion is to contact a lawyer and see what if anything can be done about your sister taking control of everything.  Do you think you mother was competent enough to understand the changes she was making and the power she was turning over to your sister when these changes first occurred?  You might have some recourse there but I have heard that it is very difficult to prove.  On top of that, I would be concerned with putting more stress on your mother.  You might want to simply pass on any assets and focus more on the physical and mental health of your mom. 

With you living far away, unfortunately your hands are sort of tied unless you are willing to move to be closer so that you can be a more active participant in her care. That seems unrealistic and a bit drastic though.  Do you think you can get your mother into an assisted living facility?  In terms of how to approach this with your mother and sister, it might go over better if you appeal to your sisters needs, saying things like your mother's condition is too fragile and complex for you to handle, it is very exhausting for you and mom would really do much better in a facility with trained professional who can care for her.  Elder Services might also be able to help with that in terms of talking to you mom and sister. 

As an aside, my father declined very quickly and his Alzheimer's worsened quite over just a few months time in spite of medication and good/decent care.  It is stressful and difficult to manage but it seems like your sister is a bit over the top in terms of her reaction to you, so I understand why you are so upset. 

I wish you the very best of luck with this Willy. 

[sparrowfarfrom home]

Not much I can say, except I wish you the best. These people have no idea the turmoil they cause, do they?  The fact that you will be building a relationship with a therapist is  very important. A therapist can be a great source of clarity and can help you feel more grounded. 

[Linda Maria]

Hi WillieH.  So sorry to hear of your experiences.  Mine is a much less severe situation but it has been really distressing.  My Mum passed away just over 18 months ago, and my uBPDsis had moved in with her around 3 years before.  She has her own house but never liked living on her own.  She didn't really like living with my Mum either and used to moan about her constantly even though my Mum had not asked her to come and live there.  But my Mum was in her 80s, and getting more frail, so it was a good thing in some ways.  My sister was actually quite good about helping my Mum during the last year, but it was after my Mum died that she turned really nasty with me, and made it impossible for me to go to my Mum's house.  I will spare you all the awful things that were said and done (and are still going on) but obviously she has made it very difficult to sort out my Mum's estate and is still holding up the sale of the house etc. Bizarrely she pretends to live at her own house although everyone knows she lives at my Mum's house.   Fortunately she never got a chance to switch things into her name, though during the last year she was always trying to suggest my Mum had dementia when she most certainly didn't, and one thing that saddens me now, is I can see how difficult she probably made life for my Mum a lot of the time.  Now she's gone I am the target of all the anger and hatred.  But I agree with the advice given about the lawyer - I felt much better once I took some control rather than waiting and hoping my sister would stop messing everyone around.  So I would also recommend you go and get advice about whether you can challenge your sister's power of attorney - and now is the time to do it - while your Mum is alive.  You may find that in fact it will be too difficult and you may let it go - but you have then made an informed choice that that is the best thing, as challenging it will be hard and painful, even if you are successful.  I have gone into writing on everything, I have copied estate agents, solicitors, all relevant parties into everything, and what that did was expose what was going on to professionals.  It created a pressure on my sister to start co-operating or be exposed for the complete liar and jerk that she was being.  And although everything has gone right to the wire every time, slowly slowly we are getting there, and hopefully in a few months time everything will be finished, houses sold, money distributed etc...   Once you have taken some advice you will feel more in control and clearer about what you can do, what you are prepared to do, and how far you will go with it.  I appointed a solicitor, and when things were really bad, he wrote to my sister stating that we would issue proceedings if she didn't start co-operating, that we would charge her a back dated market rent as she is still living in a house that belongs 50% to me, etc. etc.  I had no choice but to get tough, and it did provoke some action from her.  Even if you don't intend to follow through, you may be able to get a legal letter sent to her outlining the situation, the options, and what needs to happen.  It may just scare her enough to behave a bit better.  Get as many people involved as you can who can help you, keep communications neutral and start putting the pressure on.  Taking action made me feel so much better, I was feeling like a complete doormat tiptoeing around this person who was treating me like dirt and basically trying to deprive me of my inheritance.  I knew my Mum would have been very upset about it, but she was a pragmatic woman, not overly sentimental, and she would have said "You've done your best love, you have to go and fight now for what is yours, and maybe later try to re-build the relationship".  She would not have expected me to put up with this treatment.  Don't know if any of that helps, but just know that there are people who are going through similar stuff, and there are ways through it.  I wish you well and hope to hear more about how it goes.  Thinking of you.  Best wishes.  JB

[Louise7777]

Hi WillieH!

I think you got very good advice, so I want to show you sympathy an tell you that you are not alone. I have seen in it in my family too, not exactly the same but very similar situation. You will find many others here too.

As said before, Id go for an attorney. Your mom is probably elder and her power of attorney has no value (at least in my country). You need to set boundaries and take some control. Unfortunately, when we keep away not to enrage them more, they get worse. They see it as a free-pass.

Wish you the best.

[Indie]

Hi Willy,

Though my situation is not with a BPD sibling, (mother in my case), I understand your suffering.  From posts I have read here, it seems it is the same pain for us dealing with BPD no matter from which direction it comes.  Exhausting. 

I echo you seeking out legal help if at all possible.  If that is not possible, give all your energy to healing yourself first, then maybe the energy will be there to take steps to protect your mom and family assets.

I wish I had more helpful advice.  You are so right about the complexities and nuances... .and how difficult it is for many people to understand, then we look like the crazy one, or stone hearted!     

[Linda Maria]

Hi willieH.  Meant to add - even if the power of attorney situation can't be changed, I am sure that there must be some rules about consultation, advising you of expenditure etc. so that you are kept informed of exactly what is happening.  You should be able to see receipts, invoices, a monthly account etc.  Your sister may have financial control but that doesn't mean she is not accountable.  Maybe worth finding out what your rights are - then - when she has trouble providing sensible records on a timely basis (as she will undoubtedly) you will have something to challenge her with that may mean longer term you can change it to joint power of attorney, or better still, all over to you.  good luck!  JB