What I have learned

[JohnThorn]

Hi guys,

It's been a while since I've posted.  A few months ago, I spent a great deal of time on this site posting details about my ex's borderline behavior and the impact it had on my life and my psyche.

About a month ago, she and I re-established our relationship (not officially), but we were sleeping with one another once again and things seemed back to the normal idealization phase (on both our parts).

Without divulging too much into how we reached our end once again, I want to say that I have been turning the camera inward so to speak.  I want to know why I keep recycling this horrible segment of life.  Was the sex really that good?  Do I really believe myself when I say "she's damaged but a beautiful person and I need to help her."  What is the reason I have ended up literally begging for my borderline ex to not be my ex.  After everything she's done and said and the instability of her moods and actions, how could it be that all this time later I am still suffering and allowing it to continue... .giving her all the power over my emotions.

How?

I have realized that while my ex does have borderline, that she is in fact a human being and she is not happy. BUT this is not really the problem of our dynamic.

The real problem as I've discovered through weeks of self-admission is that I am not at all happy with who I am. I am ashamed of myself in many ways and the underlying resonance of low self worth has been the catalyst of all my further unhappiness in life.

I am an addict, but I didn't know I was until recently when my therapist made this revelation to me.  Even worse, I have several addictions - these include buying things, hoarding to a light degree, and most importantly maybe - I am addicted to females, but not in the sense that I sleep around... .I have this unconscious obsession with what a woman who I deem desirable thinks of me.  And if I pursue a woman who I think is desirable and I get rejected, I take it very hard (without even knowing it). 

It turns out my uBPD ex is a very desired woman. She is physically very appealing, but also is very charming and people flock to her.  I never dated a woman as attractive as her, and by attractive I don't mean just physically... .let me change the word attractive to "desired".  I never dated a woman as desired as her.  In her choosing to be with me over all other options, I felt a sudden sense of self worth that had been lacking for a decade (maybe more). Of course, this is unknown while its happening, but I've been studying my thought patterns to understand the decisions I made and the emotions I've felt.

When her borderline behavior would come crashing down on our relationship (especially when it made its first few appearances)... .I struggled to maintain this idea that a desirable woman preferred me to all others.  When it became obvious she did not and that I was not only being cheated/manipulated/abused, this is where my self esteem plummeted from low to practically zero.  There's a public shaming involved here too, because everyone here knows, you can't go through all of this without it impacting your daily life... .your friends see it, your coworkers probably see it too.

What's been most revealing to me is that I've concluded that this was going to happen to me whether with her or someone else.  I feel essentially that I exhibit a beta male personality and I am not happy with this, and I have been seeking an alpha woman to make me feel more alpha.  The only type of alpha woman who is likely going to be with me is one of something like BPD or similar, because a healthy minded woman is probably best to avoid me.

I hope to correct this in due time, but I don't know how.

[workinprogress]

JT, I have found myself in life really basing my self-worth  on what women think of me.  Especially attractive women who were ultimately bad for me.

If you don't mind, I recommend going cold turkey for awhile on the women.  Start paying attention to what you are really feeling.  Avert your eyes from looking at attractive women.  This really worked for me when me and my wife's sex life dried up.

Start basing your life on values, as opposed to how others view you.

Look at why it is so important for you to have the admiration of women.  I realized that my mom was just a mean angry biotch when I was growing up.  She would go into violent rages and shake my brother and I by pulling our hair.  She was freaking scary.  We walked on eggshells constantly trying not to anger her.

Lastly, using a value system, start looking at people in general as to their own values and how they treat others instead of their appearance. 

Hope this is helpful.

[JohnThorn]

JT, I have found myself in life really basing my self-worth  on what women think of me.  Especially attractive women who were ultimately bad for me.

If you don't mind, I recommend going cold turkey for awhile on the women.  Start paying attention to what you are really feeling.  Avert your eyes from looking at attractive women.  This really worked for me when me and my wife's sex life dried up.

Start basing your life on values, as opposed to how others view you.

Look at why it is so important for you to have the admiration of women.  I realized that my mom was just a mean angry biotch when I was growing up.  She would go into violent rages and shake my brother and I by pulling our hair.  She was freaking scary.  We walked on eggshells constantly trying not to anger her.

Lastly, using a value system, start looking at people in general as to their own values and how they treat others instead of their appearance. 

Hope this is helpful.

Thank you. I agree that I should stay away from women for a while (I hope I can do that)... .

I just don't know if I can change what I don't like about me.  I don't know if its changeable.  That's the hard part.  I know what it is.

[workinprogress]

JT, I have found myself in life really basing my self-worth  on what women think of me.  Especially attractive women who were ultimately bad for me.

If you don't mind, I recommend going cold turkey for awhile on the women.  Start paying attention to what you are really feeling.  Avert your eyes from looking at attractive women.  This really worked for me when me and my wife's sex life dried up.

Start basing your life on values, as opposed to how others view you.

Look at why it is so important for you to have the admiration of women.  I realized that my mom was just a mean angry biotch when I was growing up.  She would go into violent rages and shake my brother and I by pulling our hair.  She was freaking scary.  We walked on eggshells constantly trying not to anger her.

Lastly, using a value system, start looking at people in general as to their own values and how they treat others instead of their appearance. 

Hope this is helpful.

Thank you. I agree that I should stay away from women for a while (I hope I can do that)... .

I just don't know if I can change what I don't like about me.  I don't know if its changeable.  That's the hard part.  I know what it is.

What is it that you don't like about yourself and why don't you like it?

Whatever it is, it may be a valuable trait that you have been taught to dislike?

My BPD/narc parents would criticize me endlessly.  My dad always told me that I was too nice. This always made me respond with anger.  I would act with a certain bravado in response to this.

It wasn't until later that I figured out that there wasn't anything wrong with me and who I was.  It was them undermining me and my self-confidence.

Find out who you really are.

As for changing, everyone changes, whether it be deliberate or not.  It just takes time, and realize that you will be taking one step forward, two steps back, and so on.  Be patient and learn to love yourself.

[freedom33]

What's been most revealing to me is that I've concluded that this was going to happen to me whether with her or someone else.  I feel essentially that I exhibit a beta male personality and I am not happy with this, and I have been seeking an alpha woman to make me feel more alpha.  The only type of alpha woman who is likely going to be with me is one of something like BPD or similar, because a healthy minded woman is probably best to avoid me.

I have read somewhere that Alpha women prefer and settle with Beta males because it is complementary. BPD is not Alpha is more like Omega. Healthy/assertive balanced and cooperative personalities make more the Alpha and they do well professionaly.

Having said all that I don't like to see the world like that. We are all unique. I like to think that there are as many letters of types of males and females as there's people.

[JohnThorn]

I don't like that my whole life I have let my peers walk all over me, bully me, and I have been afraid to do seemingly mundane normal life things and I never stepped up to be a self-sufficient responsible person because I have very little faith in myself... .whew... .I said it

[workinprogress]

I don't like that my whole life I have let my peers walk all over me, bully me, and I have been afraid to do seemingly mundane normal life things and I never stepped up to be a self-sufficient responsible person because I have very little faith in myself... .whew... .I said it

There, that's the first step to changing!  Pat yourself on the back.

Little changes can make big differences.

Practice saying no sometimes.  It is one of the hardest things in the world to start doing, but a considerate "no" can make a world of difference in your life.

Start thinking about the life that you want and create a little blueprint for yourself. 

It will be easy to get sidetracked.  If so, don't beat yourself up.  Just redirect yourself.

We're pulling for you!

[workinprogress]

Oh, and pick out one mundane thing that you would like to do and go do it.

I'm sure you will feel a certain amount of guilt, and in the back of your mind you will secretly feel that by doing so your whole world will fall apart.  Just relax and let go, so to speak.

[JohnThorn]

I want to change the dynamic with my pre-existing friends and coworkers, but I'm afraid a shift in demeanor and/or behavior from me will result in laughter and further humiliation

[freedom33]

I want to change the dynamic with my pre-existing friends and coworkers, but I'm afraid a shift in demeanor and/or behavior from me will result in laughter and further humiliation

Why dont you take it easy, recover and then make new friends, change your job. What a great opportunity to reinvent yourself!

[workinprogress]

If they laugh at you, then they truly aren't your friends.

So, screw 'em.

[workinprogress]

I went out in my yard and was doing some lawn work and I was thinking about your situation.

You don't have to go into work like Rambo.  That would never last.  But, if you start making subtle changes, the people you work with may gain new respect and admiration for you.

The other day, I went with a couple of coworkers out of town for some meetings.  On the way we were deciding on where to eat.  Everyone was wishy washy and I recalled how I was told that I can't make decisions.  I told them, "let's go to Popeye's and get some fried chicken.  My mind is made up, we're going there."

Both of them said, "Way to take charge!  We like it!"

Give it a shot.

[StayOrLeave15]

I am an addict, but I didn't know I was until recently when my therapist made this revelation to me.  Even worse, I have several addictions - these include buying things, hoarding to a light degree, and most importantly maybe - I am addicted to females, but not in the sense that I sleep around... .I have this unconscious obsession with what a woman who I deem desirable thinks of me.  And if I pursue a woman who I think is desirable and I get rejected, I take it very hard (without even knowing it). 

Wow... .This really, really hits home for me.  I've realized that while I have an outwardly attractive and confident appearance, everything I do is to impress and land attractive females:

I have a good job ---> females like successful men

I buy nice clothing ---> females like well-dressed men

I work out ---> females like men who are in shape

I have a nice apartment ---> to impress females I bring here

In order to approach a female at a bar/club I have to at least have a buzz on if not be drunk.  I know that this comes from a low self-worth deep down and I am working on this in therapy.  I know it comes from some feelings of abandonment and rejection in childhood and I am trying to work on it. 

So... .my borderline ex gf was the perfect storm for me.  Just like JohnThorn's girl, she is not just attractive but *desirable*.  She has qualities about her that I believe men (myself included obviously) pick up on subconsciously and feel like they must have her.  She brought me to the highest of highs during the idealization and the lowest of lows when dysregulated.  I felt like no one had ever understood me so much, so I revealed a lot of my insecurities and vulnerabilities to her.  Of course when she painted me black she would zero in on these and make me feel like absolute garbage. 

I'm currently in the process of rebuilding myself.  Like the others on here said, the most important thing is building up your sense of self.  In order for this to truly happen it must come from the inside, rather than validation from the outside from attractive females and other indications of "value".  It's not an easy process and I see myself getting in my own way, but I do believe we are all capable of changing ourselves for the better, and it starts with looking to the inside. 

[workinprogress]

Dudes, here is a great quote!

www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/18/the-9-essential-qualitie_n_4760403.html

In 1914, Thomas Edison's lab burned down, and years' worth of his work was destroyed. This could easily be described as the worst thing to happen to Edison, but the inventor instead chose to see it as an energizing opportunity that forced him to rebuild and re-examine much of his work. Edison reportedly said at the time: "Thank goodness all our mistakes were burned up. Now we can start again fresh."

Our mistakes are in the past, we can improve ourselves and move on!

[freedom33]

In 1914, Thomas Edison's lab burned down, and years' worth of his work was destroyed. This could easily be described as the worst thing to happen to Edison, but the inventor instead chose to see it as an energizing opportunity that forced him to rebuild and re-examine much of his work. Edison reportedly said at the time: "Thank goodness all our mistakes were burned up. Now we can start again fresh.

Awesome     

[workinprogress]

In 1914, Thomas Edison's lab burned down, and years' worth of his work was destroyed. This could easily be described as the worst thing to happen to Edison, but the inventor instead chose to see it as an energizing opportunity that forced him to rebuild and re-examine much of his work. Edison reportedly said at the time: "Thank goodness all our mistakes were burned up. Now we can start again fresh.

Awesome     

Follow the link, the entire article is great!