Have made the decision to divorce

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I have been frequenting the staying and improving and lately the undecided board.

Last night I made the decision to seek divorce/separation.

It has become unbearable to live with my uBPDh.  After hours of conversation that kept getting directed towards me and how he doesn't like my reaction to his rages/silent treatment/abuse, we came to the conclusion that we have to separate.  We cannot have any rational conversations.  I thought once we reached that conclusion we could now separate and figure out the details.  That of course became another issue in itself.  My husband decided that he had to print out divorce papers right then and there and make me sign them (fine... .even though it was 3:30am and I had to be to work in a few hours).  Once the papers were signed he made a huge deal about if I was going to change my last name back to my maiden name or not.  I told him I could not make that decision right now and will weigh the pros and cons (we have a son and another one on the way so I have to decide if I should change my name from theirs now).  He didn't like that answer and badgered me for another hour about it.  When I tried to go to sleep again he then started turning on every light in the house and going through all of my stuff to find any item he has given me in the last 10 years of us being together, and proceeded to throw them in the trash.

Finally I went and slept out in my car (at 5 months pregnant) just to get a few hours sleep before going to work this morning.  When I went back in the house this morning he had thrown out everything in the fridge and was mad I was going through the trash to get out my tupperwear.  I dropped one (while tossing it on the counter) and rice went everywhere.  While cleaning it up he took the broom and broke it.  We then went back and forth knocking over each others things (I lost it at the point).  So finally I just left.

He's now calling me saying he has something to talk to me about.  I've sent him an email saying I will no longer talk to him in person or on the phone.  If has something to say to me he can email me so there is record and once we get lawyers we can go through them.  I want to stay firm on this, I do not want to back down (like I usually do).  I will no longer tolerate this.

How do I deal with a divorce with a BPD?  Even when he says he'll be civil and help me with the kids once I move out, I still cannot trust him.  I worry about money as rent is really high around here, but I'm at the point I will take a loan from my 401k for a downpayment on rent and then just try my best to make it work some how.

What am I in for now?  I'm scared... .but even more scared to live like this.

[LilHurt420]

I have been frequenting the staying and improving and lately the undecided board.

Last night I made the decision to seek divorce/separation.

It has become unbearable to live with my uBPDh.  After hours of conversation that kept getting directed towards me and how he doesn't like my reaction to his rages/silent treatment/abuse, we came to the conclusion that we have to separate.  We cannot have any rational conversations.  I thought once we reached that conclusion we could now separate and figure out the details.  That of course became another issue in itself.  My husband decided that he had to print out divorce papers right then and there and make me sign them (fine... .even though it was 3:30am and I had to be to work in a few hours).  Once the papers were signed he made a huge deal about if I was going to change my last name back to my maiden name or not.  I told him I could not make that decision right now and will weigh the pros and cons (we have a son and another one on the way so I have to decide if I should change my name from theirs now).  He didn't like that answer and badgered me for another hour about it.  When I tried to go to sleep again he then started turning on every light in the house and going through all of my stuff to find any item he has given me in the last 10 years of us being together, and proceeded to throw them in the trash.

Finally I went and slept out in my car (at 5 months pregnant) just to get a few hours sleep before going to work this morning.  When I went back in the house this morning he had thrown out everything in the fridge and was mad I was going through the trash to get out my tupperwear.  I dropped one (while tossing it on the counter) and rice went everywhere.  While cleaning it up he took the broom and broke it.  We then went back and forth knocking over each others things (I lost it at the point).  So finally I just left.

He's now calling me saying he has something to talk to me about.  I've sent him an email saying I will no longer talk to him in person or on the phone.  If has something to say to me he can email me so there is record and once we get lawyers we can go through them.  I want to stay firm on this, I do not want to back down (like I usually do).  I will no longer tolerate this.

How do I deal with a divorce with a BPD?  Even when he says he'll be civil and help me with the kids once I move out, I still cannot trust him.  I worry about money as rent is really high around here, but I'm at the point I will take a loan from my 401k for a downpayment on rent and then just try my best to make it work some how.

What am I in for now?  I'm scared... .but even more scared to live like this.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Like one of those pinball machines where your husband is the ball being flung all around the machine and controlled by the disorder.  You will get smashed over by this ball unless you escape.  Well done on making that decision.  My thoughts are with you.  Things will improve immediately once you are out of that toxic environment.

[Forestaken]

Before you do anything - check out and post your plans/ideas on the "legal board".  They are a great help.  You're going to encounter things you couldn't imagine.  My uBPD+dOCDXw cleaned out the kids college funds against the court order and the J did nothing.

[Panda39]

Some reading... .

www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality-ebook/dp/B0056JX46W/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1409337852&sr=1-1&keywords=splitting

www.amazon.com/Divorce-Poison-New-Updated-Bad-mouthing-ebook/dp/B00526ZLMY/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1409337852&sr=1-2&keywords=splitting

I agree with forestaken go to the "Legal Board" they will give you some direction and suggestions. 

I also want to acknowledge your stress level... .do you have a support system that you can lean on? and here is the mom coming out  ... .Get some rest!  You've made a big decision and it sounds like a good one. 

I will be honest with you and don't want to scare you but based on what I saw with my SO's divorce from his uBPDex things will probably get worse before they get better. But I want you to know that things WILL GET BETTER!   

Keep coming to this website there is a wealth of experience, perspectives, ideas and support here.

Wishing you well on this part of your journey  

[Tiepje3]

I feel for you. I'm in kind of the same position, although my kids (his step kids) are teenagers, but I have the same issues with money. He convinced me two years ago to go back to school and quit my really boring job. I took the risk, but now I'm left with no income at all. He lets us stay in the house. He's staying with friends (or my replacement) for four weeks now. He won't tell me where he stays (manipulation!) so my imagination is in overdrive.

I have chosen to have my own lawyer and not try to settle things through a mediator. That way I don't have to sit at the same conference table and I can just refer him to my lawyer.

Anyway, going right through all the heartache, but still standing! I've borrowed some money from my parents and I'm going to get as much alimony as I can. My lawyer will back me up. I'm not going to try to work things out with him. As little contact as possible, even though he keeps saying he'll help us out etc. I cannot trust him anymore, but more than that, I do not want t'o have to be grateful for his 'help' anymore.

I understand you, it is hard being (financially) on your own suddenly. But I think you made the right decision. We deserve better, our kids deserve better.

Im meditating a lot (just google 'guided meditation' trying to stay sane and it makes the day go by quicker.

Stay strong!

[letmeout]

Please read the legal board as most BPD people take a divorce as an opportunity for revenge for being abandoned, rob you blind and cause nothing but trouble.

Seriously, but freedom from their daily abuse is priceless!  

[Tibbles]

I really feel for you. The rages that go on for hours and only getting a few hours sleep before getting to work, let alone being 5 months pregnant. When I first left my ex raged over the phone, made all sorts of threats - he is very intelligent, very articulate and I lived in a world of fear. He got forms etc for me to sign as well and it all went so fast. My brain could not keep up. What I learnt is I don't have to do anything at his speed. So my advice (for what its worth) is when you are being pushed to do things don't. It doesn't have to be done today. It can be done tomorrow, next week. He will abuse and rant over the phone, make what seem like very plausible threats that will terrify you. I coped by writing down what he said as he said it - gave me time to go over it later, to rationalise what was going on, it helped. I also took what I had written down to a lawyer who reassured me that there was no way he could do that.

After a while he got calm and more rationale. We ended up in couples counselling and now 12 months later are getting a divorce but it is a calmer process. You deserve to have a better life and you have shown great strength to do what you have done. You could be in for a very abusive, scary time for a while but

IT WILL GET BETTER. Stay strong - look after yourself and know you are doing the right thing for yourself and your kids.

[ugghh]

As others have recommended please come over to the legal board.  Believe me when I tell you that you will undoubtedly find someone who you would swear is your twin and has been through the exact same struggles.  Sadly when dealing with pwBPD their reactions and behavior are eerily predictable.

First off I am so sorry to hear that you are having to reach this difficult decision at a time when you you are pregnant and dealing with all of the life changes that brings as well.  There are some steps that you should follow to protect yourself in this process, however you will get much more feedback on the legal board.  By way of background I reached the decision to divorce my uBPDw not quite a year ago after 25 years of marriage and with 3 late teen children.

Let me start by passing on some advice that I got from a friend of mine who went through a divorce a few years before me and he clued me in to this same knowledge.  --- Once you reach the decision that divorce is imminent, you must realize that your spouse has probably not engaged in the same kind of introspection that led you to that conclusion.  No matter how much you know the answer you will need to wait for them to emotionally "catch up" and accept this reality.  In the meantime, pull your seatbelt tight because it will be a bumpy ride.

In the beginning of your post you stated

we came to the conclusion that we have to separate.  We cannot have any rational conversations.

  You may have indeed believed that your and your stbx reached that conclusion together.  Really you probably reached that conclusion, presented it to him and then proceeded to spend hours in circular discussion as he alternatively told you why everything was your fault, begged you to reconsider, raged, and so on.  Please understand, this is not a joint process, for you divorce is about literally surviving.  He does not, nor will he put his interests behind what is best for you and the kids - you must advocate for yourself.

My list for divorcing a pwBPD

1) Get an experienced divorce attorney - interview several attorneys, get references, etc.  This is likely one of the most important decisions in your life for many years going forward.  Divorcing a BPD is rarely easy or uncomplicated, and is not the time for an inexperienced attorney to practice his or her craft.  I generally recommend sticking to attorneys who only do family law, not ones that dabble in it when their real estate work is slow.  You will want to question them about how they deal with "high conflict" (this is lawyer code for crazy) stbx.  You will also want to make sure they are not the type that says well I rarely go to court because we get things settled.  If you look at the legal board, I would venture that well over 50% of people divorcing BPD spouses either have to go to court or literally settle on the courthouse steps

2) A caveat not usually part of the list - you need to check your state, but many states will not allow a divorce to even be filed when woman is pregnant.  Check with your competent, experience, family law attorney ( see point one above).

3) Get a therapist for yourself if you do not have one - in this incredibly stressful time you need someone who can help you keep your sanity through the process.  Again this is not a marriage counselor, this is a therapist focused on helping you survive.

4) Get a digital voice recorder (or several) - this is for your protection from their baseless allegation that will inevitably follow.  The primary purpose is not to catch them doing something bad (although it can), it is to protect you from them making false statements to police. "She was yelling at me and threw a plate!"  Whenever you are around him you have a recorder going. Period, no excuses.

5) Do not take legal advice from your stbx - the papers you signed might as well be used to wrap fish for what they are worth.  See point 1 above.

6) Document, document, document - find a time when he is not there and go video tape every room in the house from top to bottom, feel free to narrate.  Act as if you are preparing for an earthquake that will wipe out everything.  Also in all likelihood, your stbx will be kind enough to provide you with a barrage emails and text messages.  Print them, highlight the BPD crazy stuff that comes out and keep them in file.


Hang in there, many have walked this same path and they are happy to help and advise along the way. See you on the legal board.

[ugghh]

Apologies for the long post 

[Panda39]

ugghh,

No apologies needed.  All I can say is Amen!

You have given excellent advice 

I wish someone had told my SO what you have posted here.  Hind site is 20/20 and we know now how many mistakes were made... .ineffective lawyer, parental alienation, accusations of child abuse, and my SO was still very much in the FOG early on. 

There was a lot of trial and error that he had to go through but he did eventually catch on.  My SO ultimately received primary custody, Medical, Dental and Education decision making.  As hard as everything was he never gave up fighting for his kids.  D18 is starting her freshman year of college and D14 is finishing her last year of middle school.  Both still have issues with their mother and dad continues to validate and support them.

Lilhurt, I want to say again that this will be hard but it will get better!

[Dutched]

Adding some general more points, as I don’t know the US laws (I am from NL), but have experienced such a high conflict divorce.

Very good points made by UGGHH, special #1

# absolutely separate emotions from business! Love is emotion, divorce is law!

# evidence only is needed in court, see to that to back up any claims. Your lawyer is there for the strategy!

# “educate” him that it will NOT be a normal case! That is important as lawyers in general tent to “handle just another similar case” another plain straight forward divorce.

# as much as possible, stick to your claim. Ex wife filed for divorce. We as the receiving party waited for the chaos to begin, as ex “feeds” her lawyer with dissociative facts.

#remember:  FEELINGS = FACT for a BPD! So use it in your advantage.

# a BPD will try to act behind your back, prepare and stay prepared

However that might be easy. Yes, because of their dissociative way of thinking. Remember it is a very, very emotional process for a BPD (as for us, but really more for them!). In such a mental state they stay predictable(!), use that.

# let the stbex shoot the ball, but be aware you have your FACTS right. She mailed you? So save/print/copy whatever can be of use! Make notes, mentioning dates/ times and (if any) witnesses!

# a BPD will try to hurt you on your most sensitive spot. You know which it is, so be prepared => think outside that box to safeguard your belongings/interests…

# do not engage with stbex, seeing/speaking you will be a trigger (remember you are the cause of their pain!)

So, if needed use S.E.T. and ONLY BY MAIL (facts)

You will be strong enough, don’t worry!

Tiepje3

Seems you are from outside the US, as I am.

Have seen an earlier post from you, wondering the legal system in your country how he can by a house/property/mortgage without your signature when married.

# mediation: good you decided to see a lawyer!  Otherwise you would have, due to the bond, be ripped of by him as a BPD is very clever in such situations (I already had my lawyer standby, but played her game of mediation… 2nd meeting I abruptly left after a remark of her. I gave me 2 months to prepare the case   )

Mediation doesn’t work in any high conflict divorce.

[Panda39]

LilHurt420,

We're throwing a lot of stuff at you. Hopefully we are not overwhelming you.  How are you doing?

Panda39