Admissions from my exBPDgf

[Infern0]

Looking back at things, there were times when a bit of truth came out.

The first time we had the big talk about our feelings my BPD shut down. She had told me about all her bad past, suicidal thoughts and abuse etc.

she then admitted cheating on her ex. She was crying and I said what's wrong and she goes "I'm just thinking about all the people I've hurt" and "I always do this because I hate myself"

I didn't understand at the time.

She would say on occasion "I'm such a bad person"

I also told her I was so glad I'd met her and had her in my life and she said "you shouldn't,  because you don't know  _____

She knows what she is?

I dunno guys I'm so confused.

[Suspicious1]

In some of our conversations my ex actually spelled out the symptoms of his BPD. To give him his due, he was very self-aware. Here they are:

“When we fall out, I demonise the traits in you that I rewarded before”

“I can just totally cut someone out of my emotions and my life. Just like that. It’s not good for me to do it and it takes effort, but I can completely detach from someone as if they never existed”

“When I walked out on my wife of 20 years, I just didn’t feel anything. As I drove away I was just wondering what I’d have for dinner. Why don’t I feel anything? Is it normal to just not feel anything?”

“I’m a different person depending on who I’m with. I adapt myself to whatever they’re like, sometimes even my accent changes. With some people you just wouldn’t recognize me”

“I’m absolutely terrified of abandonment. The worst thing that could happen to me is rejection”

“I split things into either all good or all bad”

“I often ruin things for myself. I’m self-destructive, it’s like a form of self-harm. Things will be going well and I’ll deliberately ruin things”

“I never really ended any of my previous relationships, I just left, as in I suddenly just didn’t go back there anymore”

“If someone harms me I harm them back, harder. That way they know not to mess with me”

“I learned about celibacy so that I can go for as long as I want without having to have sex with my partner”

“Don’t listen to the words I use, listen to what my behavior is really telling you. People don’t actually say what they mean.”

When I tentatively talked to him about personality disorders (for all kinds of reasons, not just because I thought he had one), he read through the list of BPD symptoms and gasped. He said "wow, we know *him*, don't we". It was like a lightbulb moment for him and I think he was relieved he may have found a potential answer to those behaviours he clearly found confusing in himself.

[KrisK7]

I had a very similar experience with my exBPDfiance. She would often tell me through our relationships that she felt like she was "totally out of control" and felt like she was just "along for the ride" with her tumultuous emotions.

A few things she said during the r/s -

"I'm just a bad person"

"I want to be a better person, I really really do. I just don't know how"

"I get bored with people once we're happy and I leave them"

"I don't know how to be happy"

On several occasions she would have these rageful episodes if I left the house to see a friend and I would have to rush home before she fled the scene and basically berate her to get through to her. She had no response to positive reinforcement and gentle reasoning. So I would often sit her down and tell her that she was being a coward and creating problems because she was so used to being in chaos and hurting that she felt wrong when things were stable and happy. She would cry and fall into my arms and agree, telling me "I don't know why I do this, I wish I could stop".

Now that the r/s is over, she tells me -

"I'm so sorry. I know what I've done is wrong."

"I wish I wasn't such a bad person."

"I wish things were different"

"I don't know why I don't feel anything or why I feel things"

[OutOfEgypt]

My ex wife had moments of lucidity as well.  She admitted to things that were a bit disturbing, to say the least... .to hurting people, to hating people, to wishing horrible things would happen to people, to punishing me, to intentionally doing things just to enjoy watching me be in anguish about it, to punish and hurt men by luring them and rejecting them, to feeling empty, to saying that she deserves to go to hell, etc.  One time we were walking hand-in-hand in Walmart, a month or so after she decided she would come back to me from an affair.  We were laughing and having a good time, and she started talking about her affair.  She said, "You know, I never ever wanted to leave you.  I just wanted to F#$K him.  That's pretty bad, huh?"  And she giggled coyly when she said it.  I was a bit in shock and didn't know how to respond.  It's like... .YES, that is *pretty bad*, and it is worse that you have to say that because you feel almost no remorse for it.  It was more like a little girl getting caught by daddy.  There was a time where I feel her tears were genuine for how she hurt me, but I can honestly only think of ONE time in 15 years where that happened.

So, the short answer is, yes.  Yes, they know how they are.  Most of their time is spent avoiding this fact, avoiding who and what they really are, or numbing themselves out so that they don't care.  My T said their sense of guilt/responsibility is very low, more on the spectrum of a small child who is under-parented.  They feel need, and they feel shame, and sometimes they may stop and acknowledge what they do, even to feel a kind of sorrow about it, but not in a way that would really lead them to do something about it.  I hope I am not generalizing, here.  But this is a combination of my experience and what my T told me.

[goldylamont]

i think it's a mistake to assume that a pwBPD aren't aware of their behaviors. perhaps not aware of everything. and surely they can convince themselves of some lies. but in general, you have to be very conscious to pull off a deception. if you are in a r/s and you are cheating this takes a lot of planning, hiding and manipulation. and of course pwBPD know often that their actions hurt others--they know because they understand that if someone did this to them it would feel horrible. they know if you were to talk about having sex with someone else they wouldn't like it, so if they do it around you yes they are aware, it may just be that they don't care if you are hurt or they are purposefully punishing you.

surely things can slip at times where they hurt others without being aware of it--this could happen to anyone though. even we have made these mistakes in the past. but no it's not common to hurt someone and be completely unaware of it, i think even for them. it's just that when you are that self-centered, well if you want to have sex with someone else, who really cares if it hurts the partner, my needs are greater than theirs. and there's perhaps moments of remorse, but we all know they don't stand the test of time.

when someone says "I'm a bad person." or "I'm scared I'm going to hurt you", i suspect they know precisely what they are talking about although they may be vague with you. i'm sure the full truth is that they know at some point they are going to cheat, going to smear, going to hate, and that you won't like them much afterwards.

[Loveofhislife]

These are some amazing awarenesses of which I never heard any from exbfBPD. I'm absolutely stunned that they were so forthcoming. All I ever heard was how victimized and misunderstood and taken advantage of he was. I worked and worked to try to understand the most victimized person on the planet--right up until I became his next victim.

[Mr Hollande]

My ex once described herself as the loneliest person in the entire world. Now this forum combined with my own thinking on the subject of her has lead me to write off everything she ever said to me as lies. Though her above description of herself I do believe is absolutely true. It's sad beyond words.

[drummerboy]

My uBPDexgf once said that she didn't attempt suicide to actually die, she just did it make to make the pain stop, she just wanted some peace. There were a few precious moments while we were together, such as when I was reading her favourite book (The Little Prince) to her were she did seem to get a few moments of pure peace. Those moments will always be very special for me and maybe they were to her too?