Rescuer, again. what would u have done?

[Crumbling]

So here it is -

Last May, BPDh made a promise that he was going to support us through the summer while I got a new business up and running.  His support was a crucial to the plan.  I needed funding.  I needed to build a business built around govt standards, regs etc.  I needed to apply for funding.  I needed to solicit potential clients.  I needed to have company policies and human resource policies in place before I could get govt approval. I couldn't work full time and do all this, and some are grants required I be unemployed to qualify.  Living on one salary was going to be a sacrifice, but we agreed the pain was worth the gain.   It was only for a few months.

Fast forward to the un-official end of summer - Sept.  All my legwork is complete, applications all submitted.  I've even gotten approvals and financial supporters.  My tasks all complete, ahead of schedule.  I have one more approval I'm waiting on, but that may take up to a month or more.  My BPDh?  He has worked a total of 9 days - all summer.  He's turned down three jobs, refused to apply for ones he could have had immediately, and slept a lot.  Every bill is over due, food is running low.  So... .

I just accepted a hotel chambermaid job so we don't have to use the food bank this month, and hopefully we'll keep our utilities.  The job is only for the shoulder season, so hopefully I will be done this stint when my final go-ahead comes through, and I can focus on nursing my baby into fruition. 

God help me, tho.  He's gone out today to find work (my h, not God).  He said I inspired him?  Really?  All that other crap I did all summer didn't mean anything, but taking a chambermaid job inspired you?        I'm not him, but I know him, and I'm afraid I may have shamed him into getting work. 

I've just rescued us, because someone had to.  Have I hurt or hindered the situation? 

My feelings?... .anger.  distance.  a lot of distance.  like I'm not really sure who he is anymore.  He always said and I always believed that even though he would falter with the little things, when push came to shove, he would pull through and look after things. 

My health isn't the best.  I have two adorable incredible kids and a remarkable grandchild.  These things are so precious to me, but we never had their father with us.  Ever.  For the first 18m maybe, but even then, it wasn't a family unit really.  It's been my goal for decades to have a partner that would love and care for my kids the same way I would.  I thought he was it.  For the first time in ten years, I'm in doubt.  If he can't be there for himself, he can't be there for anyone else!  He doesn't have any kids of his own, btw.

He means well.  I'm sure when we had that conversation in May, he meant what he said - that he would support us.  His actions have validated his fears and he's proven himself wrong.  I'm confused.  I'm hurt.  I just can't look at him right now.

definitely a crumbling day for me.

 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[maxsterling]

Wow, cumbling.  I know how you feel here.  We don't have any kids in the mix, but I know the strain of her not working, money getting thin, and her putting the burden on me.  And like you, I pick up the burden.  I pay for things.  I do the shopping, the cooking, the cleaning... .  Am I rescuing?  No doubt.  She even claims that.  But in my head, I feel what I am doing is taking care of myself.  If she benefits from it, too, I can't stop that.  I'm not going ta let bills go unpaid.  I'm not going to lose my house.  I'm not going to starve.  I'm not going to let my house be a huge mess.  Its not like if I stopped doing those things, she would pick up the slack.  As I am learning, when she lived by herself, she STILL didn't cook, clean, manage her money.  And I get the same thing as you.  When I start cooking or cleaning, she starts making remarks about how she wants to help, maybe will grab a broom, etc, claiming she needs my motivation for her to get off her butt.

So my feeling about your situation - what you are doing is rescuing yourself.  You are doing what you need to do regardless of what he does.  Stinks that he can't come through with support - but that's BPD for ya.  All we can do is take care of ourselves.

[Crumbling]

Thanks, max, yea, I am looking after myself.  I need to think of me, not him.  He's him.  I'm me. I'm in charge of me.  right.

Been reading about co-dependency.  I hate being a participator in his illness, but I see this in me.  I get confused between nurturing and rescuing.  Where to draw the lines, what to accept and what to fight for.  Where to say this is enough, it stops now.

I was never allowed to say "I can't", max.  First my parents, then I made sure every obstacle was overcome and every hardship endured.  That's just the way I am.  If I'm honest, with myself, I'd have to say I'm jealous he gets a free ride, just because "he can't".

[ydrys017]

... .  I know how you feel here.  I know the strain of her putting the burden on me.  And like you, I pick up the burden.  Am I rescuing?  No doubt.  But in my head, I feel what I am doing is taking care of myself.  If she benefits from it, too, I can't stop that.  I'm not going ta let bills go unpaid.  I'm not going to lose my house.  I'm not going to starve.  I'm not going to let my house be a huge mess.  Its not like if I stopped doing those things, she would pick up the slack... .

I too rationalized my way into this.  I used to do 'my part', then 'both parts' - exhaustion, frustration, etc...   Then, I tried just letting it go - it got worse.  Now, with knowledge of BPD, I can happily state that I can & will do it - for myself!  Does she get a free ride? Yes.  Is it incredibly frustrating to hear her complain and criticize me for it? Absolutely!  But, I know that I am able to multi-task and get it all done for me and the kiddies, and that is less stress and anxiety.  In the end, I have found empathy for her regarding the inability to accept responsibility and perform basic tasks, it is truly sad.

[Bear60]

Congrats Crumbling on getting your business going, at least to continued. We moved and whomever got a job first would support us while the other would work on starting our business, this was the plan before we moved. Well she got the job first and I was writing the business plan, checking on all the rules and regs, I was doing this every day all day while she was at work, I started to hear her complain about it after only 3 days, by the end of the week she was all upset, it shouldn't take that long to do and how unfair it was to her and that I had to get a job. So I gave up the business plan and went to work.