Projected Hostility?

[Klarity Kwest]

Does anyone experience projected hostility from their partner?

I feel that quite frequently something I say is perceived by my boyfriend to be hostile when it isn't. Then he responds to me as if I was hostile toward him, in a hostile manner, and I get annoyed or upset.

Example, earlier I was looking on facebook. I am friends with many of his family members (we have been together almost 7 years and have 2 kids). His aunt (his dad's sister) posted a picture of her husband with a sweet birthday message. My 2 boys were looking at my phone with me and my boyfriend was sitting nearby.

I said, "That's daddy's uncle."

He says, "He's not related to me."

I said, "Um, well, yes he is, he's your uncle."

He says, "He's not related to me, he's not blood related, he's married to my Aunt."

I say, "Um, yes I know he is not biologically related, but he is married to your Aunt, that makes him your uncle."

We went back and forth a few more comments and with each comment he seemed to get more agitated. The whole exchange was only a minute. It ended with him pretty much walking off in a huff. I don't remember his exact words but it was clear that he thought I was somehow being hostile toward him.

He stayed in the other room for a while (as is his usual habit) and after some time I went to him and tried to ask him if he realizes that I was not being hostile toward him? His go to reaction whenever he gets upset by perceived discord of any kind is to not allow us to have conversation insisting we'll, "Talk about it another time."

I said I don't need to talk about it, I just want to know if he knows that I was not being hostile toward him.

He replied, "No, I don't know that."

He then shut the conversation done completely and I walked away.

This one little example is just one of an almost constant slew of minor incidents that sometimes blow up into big arguments.

The other day he was securing the internet wire to the ceiling and he accidentally broke a small dresser of mine. I came into the room and noticed it and my natural reaction was, "WOW What happened to the dresser?"

He replied in a rude tone, "I don't like the way you're speaking to me!"

I asked him again what happened to the dresser and he said he leaned on it and it broke.

I walked away annoyed and went to get the kids ready for bed. Later I tried to talk to him and instead it exploded into a horrible argument where he said many horrible things, like, "Get out! It's over! I've already made plans [for breaking up]!" And a lot of other ___tty things.

Sometimes the smallest thing erupts into a huge episode and I know I contribute because I yell and curse when I get upset. But this constant feeling of being misunderstood, misinterpreted, taken the worst way possible, it is draining all the love I have for this man out.

I feel like in any given situation he will go with the worst possible interpretation of anything I say or do. That is really difficult to manage. Does anyone else have a similar experience? 

How do you handle this?      Thanks.

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[vortex of confusion]

I have been there done that. Today, he went to the grocery store. I was putting the groceries away and I don't even remember what was said. I said, "Aye Aye captain" and did the little salute thing. I was being half smart alleck and half sarcastic. He got mad and said some ugly stuff and slammed a bag of trash on the wall. It was weird because he perceived my silliness as hostile.

There are so many times when my actions are perceived as something they aren't. Another recent example was when I was laying down on the couch. He walked over to sit down so I moved my legs. He said, "Sorry." I was wondering what he was sorry for and he said that he was sorry for making me move my legs. There was no need for any conversation. I was being polite but he saw it as some sort of slight.

I can say and do things around other people and be myself but with him I have to be so careful because I never know when he is going to misinterpret what I am saying or doing and take it personal.

[MissyM]

Yes, being hurt, upset or disagreeing with their view in any way is so painful that they see it as being aggressive and hostile.  My dBPDh does this a lot.  We are dealing with some inappropriate behavior from him today and his response is the same as if I cussed him out and threw something at him, he responds the same no matter the amount of upset I display.  I am aware that the distortions are part of BPD.  It doesn't make it any better to deal with.

[waverider]

Yes that is the mood they are in and they make you the persecutor so they can express their "victim" feelings. The whole issue is just vehicle to vent their emotions.

[Klarity Kwest]

I often feel that if only I could respond in the perfect way. Say the right thing, the right words, the right tone of voice. If I could have the appropriate level of calmest and always be kind in my reply then these things wouldn't happen. I'm always wishing I said much less, one simple reply that's kind peaceful and leave it at that.

Of course, that rarely happens. I also think that that is probably a very unhealthy way to try to go through life. I know I don't need to be perfect, but it sure feels like that's the only way to get along sometimes. But I never managed it and we don't get along that well often.

[MissyM]

Of course, that rarely happens. I also think that that is probably a very unhealthy way to try to go through life. I know I don't need to be perfect, but it sure feels like that's the only way to get along sometimes. But I never managed it and we don't get along that well often.

Yes, that is very unhealthy.  We cannot be perfect.  We are all perfectly imperfect.  I wonder, did you always feel you need to be perfect or did that start in this relationship?  I have had perfectionistic tendencies but have had them under control for a long time.  However, my dBPDh has unrealistic expectations of me and if I take that on it will stress me out.

[Klarity Kwest]

I wonder, did you always feel you need to be perfect or did that start in this relationship? 

Great question!  I actually am not a perfectionist in any way in any area of my life. But in this particular relationship these feelings of wishing to be able to always know how to comment correctly, it is a big problem. I feel things I say are not taken the wrong way in my other relationships, or when they are I can usually quite easily explain myself and things do not erupt into arguments.

[waverider]

I often feel that if only I could respond in the perfect way. Say the right thing, the right words, the right tone of voice. If I could have the appropriate level of calmest and always be kind in my reply then these things wouldn't happen. I'm always wishing I said much less, one simple reply that's kind peaceful and leave it at that.

Of course, that rarely happens. I also think that that is probably a very unhealthy way to try to go through life. I know I don't need to be perfect, but it sure feels like that's the only way to get along sometimes. But I never managed it and we don't get along that well often.

This is the sort of thinking that got you in this pickle in the first place. We can't meet their needs, neediness is a process without an end result. If you met his needs 100% he would need 110% compliance. He needs you to fall short on supply as demanding fulfillment is the real driving factor of neediness.

You can only do better with the aim of not letting it all get to you. ie you can stuff up badly and you can still shrug it off vs get it 95% right then stress out about the consequence of the 5% stuff up. There will always be a stuff up and there will always be things that you cannot influence.

Once consequences have less effect on you, you will be less reactionary, which in turn reduces the feeding of the cycles. The less cycles you have the less primed will be his triggers, so the big picture dramas slowly reduce.

I am in a place now where excessive conflict is virtually eliminated, and most of my issues now are really about how I let certain aspects get under my skin at times, so I am focusing more now mainly on shrugging things off. Mopping up my residual issues if you like.

[BethRoberts]

I often feel that if only I could respond in the perfect way. Say the right thing, the right words, the right tone of voice.

Maybe there is no perfect way. I've spent more than two decades trying to respond to everything in a neutral way. Even cheerfulness can be interpreted as hostile because he thinks I'm laughing at him. But total neutrality doesn't work either, because he now criticises me for being "inscrutable". I can't win!

[123Phoebe]

But total neutrality doesn't work either, because he now criticises me for being "inscrutable". I can't win!

I had to look 'inscrutable' up for its meaning

Now that I know, the first thing that came to mind was, "That's right, baby, you're married to a woman of mystery; you like it ", while flaunting your stuff.

I've told mine he's crazy about me in more ways than one

[Klarity Kwest]

I had to look up inscrutable also.

in·scru·ta·ble

inˈskro͞otəbəl/Submit

adjective

impossible to understand or interpret.

"Guy looked blankly inscrutable"

synonyms:   enigmatic, mysterious, unreadable, inexplicable, unexplainable, incomprehensible, impenetrable, unfathomable, unknowable; opaque, abstruse, arcane, obscure, cryptic.

I could have titled this post "projected emotions". I feel that at times, what my partner is feeling he projects onto me. This word, inscrutable, is actually a perfect description of how I perceive my boyfriend. Yet these are the kinds of words that he uses to describe me, even though I feel that I am quite clear and forthcoming with my feelings. Unfortunately it's my experience that even the slightest hint of disgreement, or differing opinion, is often considered as hostile or that I am attacking him somehow, or invaliding dating him, or erasing his feelings.