Stuck in a rut

[Just_me82]

 I just joined this group and this was the original story down below as to what happened to me. I have had an awakening so to say after reading through many stories and seem to be stuck in a stage. I have forgiven her, let just about everything go, but a part of me stills holds on for a reason I do not understand. I seem to be stuck in the area of replaying the good times through my mind and even find myself having pretend conversations knowing some day I will run into her and want to be prepared as crazy as that sounds. I feel like I honestly need to find her and just say everything that is on my mind, then don't walk, but run away so I don't get sucked back in a web of bs, but I think that is a horrid idea. I don't know how else to let go when I was the one who left her and never got the closure that I really needed. This has totally changed me and I hate to say it, but I feel empty without her by my side and it has been two years since I walked away for good... .any ideas?

I met, let's call her Leann through my business and at the time she was married. I knew both her and her husband half way and never had an issue. After years she got a new car and just being the smartass I am, well, I text her asking when I could drive her new little sports car considering my line of work is working on vehicles. She started coming by in the evening or on her days off here and there bringing me a pop or food and just wanting to shoot the breeze. After a week or two of this I finally broke down and told her that I did not feel right about this considering she was married. At this point she informed me that they were split up and the end of their divorce which was being worked out in the courts. We started dating a little bit even though I felt weird about it considering, but I was assured that everything was okay. I met all of her friends, family and we were always around them. We ended up becoming a couple over a 7 month period and I experienced the best relationship of my life. I felt like I had found my soul mate and then things took a turn.

I caught her in lies, like really stupid lies which made me start digging and soon I found out that she was still married, he was still living there and I guess he was working nights considering any time I stayed with her I would always leave with her and hang out at her work since she worked at 5 am. I went to her work where she worked as a nurse at a house and I told her how pissed off I was at her, that I would talk to her, but this wasn't the time and place and I just was there to get my stuff that she still had with her in her car. I had rode there with a friend (guy) and I tried to leave the house. She kept blocking my path and I kept saying the same words to her about how I was upset with her and would talk to her when I calmed down. She pushed me every time I tried to leave and finally I tricked her into thinking I would go in the back room and sit down with her... at this point I walked past her and went on my way out to my buddy's truck. 

She followed me and grabbed my shoulder which then spun me a bit and she started in on me to which I kept saying the same thing never telling her why I was pissed off. She yelled that I never loved her and I said back that I did love her very much and always did and we left.

Her mother came by and asked me if I believed in forgiveness and I told her yes I did, but that her daughter was still married. Her mothers mouth pretty much dropped at this point and she left. I started talking to her friends and pretty soon I found out that she had lied to them telling them she was single as she had told me. She lost me and long time friends of hers over this. She text me every day for for weeks and weeks on end going from it being my fault to how much she loved me back to being my fault and finally the torment stopped.

I honestly loved this girl with every piece of myself and it tore me to shreds to the point that I started coming to work late and not even caring anymore. About 6 months later I could not take it anymore and wrote her on Facebook telling her that she had hurt me badly. She replied and it was smug, yet she acted like she had screwed up and I got a crappy apology out of the deal. She then freaked out and told me to never contact her again and I honored her wish, well, for a while. Another 4 months later and it was eating me alive. I finally wrote her a very long letter telling her how bad she had messed up and then I told her how I felt and wished her the best. I went to her work and stuck this under her wiper and about 30 minutes later she had contacted me wanting to meet up in person. I went out there and she held on to me for dear life sobbing telling me how bad she had screwed up. She sat on my lap and hugged me most of the evening while I was there just talking to me. A funny thing happened and I realized that I was still totally in love with her. I started to leave which in turn made her say that she bet she would never see me again and I replied that I was not sure. Sure enough, I went back considering she was actually getting divorced this time and one thing led to another and you get the picture. We started running around again and I actually felt whole again and happy. She wasn't the same girl I knew though, almost like she had a different personality and I told her that I could not deal with this to which she blamed me for leaving her and it causing this. Finally after a week or so, I started to see the girl I knew and I was delighted to see this. After a few weeks I caught her in another lie to which she took a "friend" on a vacation I was supposed to go on with her after she started acting weird and got in an argument with me and I was done at this point. I did not speak to her for a few weeks and she was texting me every day, but not the same hateful stuff when I left her the first time. She started throwing things around insinuating she was pregnant and I finally point blank asked if she was and she said yes. I went to her house that night and she was puking when I showed up. She showed me a spot on her arm where someone had pulled blood and said she had a pregnancy test done. I was in shock considering she was in her early 40s and me about ten years younger. We had talked about having kids and supposedly she had stopped taking birth control to "try to get pregnant". I stayed with her and then a week later I told a friend about everything. He informed me that where she claimed to have gotten the pregnancy test done with blood work was a lie because they only did urine tests there and sure enough when I called them I was told the same thing. I went and got a pregnancy test and went to her house and she exploded when she found it. She kicked me out of the house and acted like it was no big deal. She text me saying she had a sonogram come Monday morning and she had me begging to go and she just said no. She chased me down a week later showing me a picture on her phone of what appeared to be a monitor that she had taken a picture of with her phone. I sat in her car feeling horrible and crying. I stared at this picture of what was twins, yet the names and everything were fuzzy. I asked where the hard copy was to which she informed me that she only took one picture with her phone because at that point she was not sure if she was going to get an abortion or not because she was not sure if we could work things out. I asked about the pregnancy test to which she had a story about her nursing instructor being there that day and she had pulled the blood for her and took it to the hospital. She told me she lied because she did not want to get the woman in trouble because she had got it done for free and she would get fired if someone found out. I moved back in with her and did everything for her that I could. She paid most of the bills and everything was honestly fine again for a while. To wrap this up without going on for another 50 lines of this... .She had her period on me which was very light exactly 28 nights from a night where she claimed to be spotting and I never said a word. I came back and said something that next night after laying there in bed awake most of the night before in disbelief of how stupid I had been. I brought up the fact of her being pregnant in front of her and her best friend and her friend about had a meltdown. I walked out the door and never came back.

Two nights later I found the same sonogram picture on a website belonging to a woman in England and it broke me into little pieces at that point. She continued to harass me acting like she was still pregnant saying the most horrid things for about a month before she finally stopped. She even went as far as making up fake emails from fake people acting concerned and sending pictures of her belly as it was growing and it was clear that it was a pillow or something fake under her shirt. It messed me up to the point where I was even in denial thinking some day I would run into her somewhere walking around pushing a stroller. I drank for 2 years and finally the denial has went away, but I am still left shattered, slowly gluing these broken pieces of me back together hoping one day I will feel the same way inside again. I recently emailed her telling her I knew all along and said nothing, that I had forgiven her and did wish her well to which she never said another word back and honestly I know that is for the best. She has remarried another guy and honestly it doesn't really bother me. I some day hope she wakes up and sees everything that has happened because I am not being conceited at all saying this, but she threw away someone that really loved her and it was over stupid lies for the most part. I so want to go knock on her door, sit her down and go off on her, but I have finally made it to the point where I am over it about 99 percent, but still feel she owes me an apology obviously from the life she shattered for reasons I will probably never understand. So now I am left with the bitter feelings of knowing deep down that I was just a joke to her and she never loved me. That I was an idiot for believing some of the dumbest things and how do you accept that? Why was it so hard to let go? Why did she make up a fake life to which I ended up thrown under a bus? I don't understand and I guess I never will. I hope all of you that have went through something like this can somehow figure out how to make it at least to the point where I am inside again and have some peace finally. All I can say after reading these stories is that I think she has borderline considering in retrospect that I felt I was dealing with someone with the emotions of a child, yet the mind of an adult if that makes sense. I felt like I was walking on egg shells the entire time and anything I said wrong would set her off and the stupid part is that I really feel sorry for her now knowing all of this and I am not upset hoping to God above that she really doesn't know what she is doing and how many lives she has torn apart by her actions. Sorry for the long story, but that really is the short story and I guess if you made it this far, then thank you for reading my crazy life for the past several years.