My very long story

[SC91]

I am mid-thirties, orginally from Asia, please excuse if my English writing doesnt read very fluent.

After reading this forum on and off for a year, this is my first post. I want to share my story with those who has experienced similar in life, and find some echo, comfort. I have been really depressing in the past two years. As I am sitting in front of the desk trying to write now, I find it difficult to start and summarize my life story. My mindset is not as structure as I used to be.

My Ex ... .officially broke up 4 years ago

My ex used to compliment my ability of being able to be straight forward, communicate and deliver my thoughts correctly with other people. Something that she lacks. When we broke up, I got so angry, confused, and frustrated with her words not match with actions. I constanlty feel very strongly she has hate deep inside her, but when she talked to me she only touch the surface, never talk straight. I wondered why someone just couldnt say how they feel, even if its anger then just express it, so I can understand her point, resolving the issue and both can then move on.

When she was more calm after a few explosion, she wrote me email saying she find it extremely difficult to deliver how she feel and think correctly throughout her life, she doesnt want to say something to get people misunderstand her, she doesnt know where to start and struggle to find the right words etc. Now I understand, because I seem to be in similar situation. Sigh... .

I used to think she was very smart, talented and wisdom, am still hold up to this statement. I admired her ability going well with lots of friends, had this charisma, attraction and energy that draw people in, had this talent to comfort people who are not afraid to open their heart and share their story comfortably with my ex, had this ability to understand others easily, echo with their feeling, put into other people's shoes when they tell their story. And after all my ex can still back to herself, forget other people problem, and not affected by other people emotions. I am an empath, am shy, I easily affected by other people emotion and when friends tell me their problems, I took on the burden. My ex wouldn't.

Now I understand where her talent or kind of wisdom comes from, why she say she can easily use the right words to deliever what other people feel but not her own feel, why she always say what people want to hear but not what her own viewpoint, why she so scare of me when we broke up, why she doesnt care doesnt get affected by other people sayings and simply calls it thats just other people perception. Why I find it frustrating, sense these acts dishonest, her not trustworthly, her confusing words vs actions. When you know so much about humanity, know what actions/views other people will take when you say/do something, when you take so many perspective and see different angles, when you dont believe there is ultimate truth (limited mind defined set of definition), its hard. Is she an empty person, who can only reflect on other people but no solid value from herself? I dont know.

She, subconsioculy, and since young, view the world from the top. In that, she is one of the characters. Each friend conversation interaction is a chapter in a movie, when the chapter ends move to next chapter, hence nothing is personal and she easily forget what her friend told her in previous chapter because in the next chapter it will be something different, another new character another storyline. Each character has their own designated character, that is their own perception. There is no universal truth and there not just one self (character or what we call as no self-identity).

There is not just one movie but many in life and even after this one life (she studies zen buddhism for a period after we broke up). There are different theme movie, crime war love thriller etc, and in each movie the actor is given a designated character. In a love movie she needs a other charcter to play or there is no love storyline (attachment). In a war movie she needs to create an enemy chracter to hate (split black) and alliance on her side (enablers). In a politics theme movie she needs to set some drama (triangulation). There are more than one movie each character is different (inconsistency). To make it even more complicated, there must be audience (her enablers and herself), actors (other people and herself), a director (herself), and a script writer (herself).

When some borderline directors may rage at the actors when they dont play their role adequately, my ex wont, she will just subtly hint and guard you. When some boderline actors split black you when they are ready onto another new movie, my ex did that, partially and for a short period. Partially because she was aware, short period because she found another one to attach to and I cautiously try not engage in her drama triangulation. I am not even sure now if viewing her a borderline is an objective category (I guess I know now why she thinks I label her). In her view, if you label someone manipulative thats because you feel you have been manipulated. I see the point now, if we see it from a scientific term "relative" angle, then its true. I am not even sure seeing her manipulative is correct, because even equiped with such talent she never delibrately took advantage and not getting any benefit from it. When viewing life/world/spritual in this way, it seems to me now our current world living is a power game (the term "game" may not be adequte as it conqurs up an image I dont feel comfortable with), for it is the only thing that seems real, it gives her the feel of down to earth. Even given her talent, she hasnt acheive a great career, she sees what I define successful career is just asking for validation from society.

I had a great interest in philosophy and planned to pursue post graduate degree in philosophy find a small island somewhere in greece mediterranean sea to do the study. I thought of finding a time to temporary stay in a tranquil quiet monastery temple, clear my mind n refreshen up. These things, after meeting and spending time with my ex, I no longer found I needed to.

I am a very curious person and have great interest in travelling. During our two year relationship we went ten trips together. I was always the one who planned the trip, the route, the activities, choose the hotel, and worry about schedule and packing stuff when we were ready check out of each hotel. I wanted to bring her see more new places in the world I wanted her to be inspired and learn more, because she has such a great talent and potential. I wanted her to experience something new she hadnt experience in before, like myself. I chose top class hotel so both me and my ex would have comfortable stay. I packed the luggage each time because she was lazy and care less. I contacted the driver, set the alarm clock each morning, worried this and that, because she seem to be a lizard lay there attach onto me, without her view, preference and interest. i felt tired, I felt my energy was not re-charged, my motivation goes out to somebody but no one motivate me back. She inspired me on spiritual philosophy world, by talks, but she drains my energy on real world matters, by not actually doing things. And the spiritual world takes me further away from real world worries. I started just to enjoy life pressure away, lay round, not doing job, thinking what nice dinner to have, what next travel destination.

I broke up with her four years ago, I hardly had a moment of completely relax, genuine laugh, after the broke up. I was like there was something still unresolved. Partly because of my own business/financial difficulty, partly because I was lonely and I not active in seeking friends (my family in Asia I am alone in this country), partly because her actions triangulation/smear campaign followed by comfort on and off, partly because my encounter of few other people who I now suspect borderline/sociopath, partly because my own personality lifestyle (co-dependency issues). Partly because the burden, the guilt, all the negatively dark thoughts she install in me (or I affected by her not she install it). While at the same time, I had so much compassion for her seeing the little girl struggle there in her mind status, it is a human nature compassion seeing someone suffer especially one who I used to be close. The guilt, shame, embarrassment, compassion, sorrow, anger, hate, resentment, confusion, closeness, power game, lack of closure, my own life goal, all so mess up. It takes away my energy and my time everyday to think through these issues.

As I am writing now, recalling my status back then, I still feel that anger resentment of the past and bring it to present now. I hate she play these never ending drama to create even more obstacles to me. Why cant she just handle and improve herself! I hate it. Never in my life encounter an ex so monster who so forcefully install toxin to poison, torture me, destroy me, very sociopathic ways. I did not really tell my friends my family the whole story, I felt shame of telling them I brought myself such a bad person. I keep asking myself, thinking, reading lots of internet sites for an answer. Meanwhile her once in a while little contact, I had to pretend I was okay and not destroyed by her and her enablers. I had to deal with office politics with colleague. I had to overcome business financial difficulty. I handle these struggle all by myself, alone, without a support circle.

Then after six months, the drama acts quiet down a little. I went to France for 10 days holiday solo trip. The first time in my life feeling so lonely (yet at the same time harmony peaceful). Throughout the trip I took photos all along, capturing all those little moments all those scene. I did that because I had hope (and still having this hope) that one day I will show this journey to her. I had told her while we were together that I so wish to bring you to Europe. So I captured all the photos in a way as if I brought her on my shoulder travelling with me. I never captured photos in this way... .how to say... .the angle, the chosen scene, the subject. On reflection, that was the first time in my life I was enlightened on art (I used not connected/interested in art). 

I am going to write the encounters with few more people in my next posting. Thanks everyone for listening to such a mess up and long writing. If anyone wish to comment (very appreciated) please may I humbly ask not advising me what ought to/not to do, as I wish to find my own way out on this healing, and am not on a stage strong enough and ready to take in another person's opinion. I need a place to put down my messy mind thinking and re-organize it. Thanks alot.    

[freedom33]

Welcome to the board SC91. Sounds like you have quite a story to tell and I can relate to parts of it from my own experience. It is also accurate of you to notice how BPD people have this unique capacity to intuit what people feel or want to express and then mirror that back to you. This is one of the things that makes them so attractive to some of us. I wish you all the best.

[SC91]

Thanks freedom33, yes I feel my mind and energy has been toyed by these sick soul people. They crossed my boundary into such degree that leads me to try put in their brain to seek answer. Added to this I am a curious empath which is both good or bad when dealing with the BPD/sociopath.

I have no where to take these mixed feelings, thoughts. Think writing down put be the only way out. Suppose there are other nons are as insane as I do, and just try to feel the insane, pain, and chaos... .which I think is the way to true recovery.

A really mess mind and writing again! Sighs... .

[SC91]

Just saw another thread a forum member was advising a member "If you don't ingest the poison, on the other hand, it's harmless.". Very well said. It remind me of my old rational self few years back.

So more messy writing, more flash back to past experiences, more self talk, a step further on self discovery and healing... .

About my childhood... .

I am a woman, bisexual. By nature, I am an empath, introvegent, shy, clever, positive. I grown up in a family of seven, grandparents, parents, cousin and an elder sister. Parents always busy at work hence grandparents took care of us, cook the meals, took us out. Dad is a rational, practical, fair, straight forward, responsible person. Man normally does talk love, or any kind of deep communication, my dad is no difference. He doesnt do the talking but action. He gives us plenty of freedom to do what we want but I know he will be there to support us. I learnt alot of good values and life-struggle coping mechanisms from dad. Mom has BPD traits, she also love my sister more. When dad and mom had argument or when mom frustrated with some silly small things, she always put her emotions onto me, knowing that I wont rebel and just keep quiet, she wont put her emotions onto my sister who was more a self center type person. I never blame or anger towards mom of her somewhat unfair mistreat of me, nor I jealous elder sister, because I love them unconditionally and will forever do. I suppose many empath who have good family value would be similar to my altitude.

There was an uncle who stayed with us a few times, about a month each time,  during our childhood. Two things I recall from this uncle which wasn't very decent. One is one night my sister and I were taking shower together (we were about 6-7 years), uncle brought a new camera that day and asked us to open door he needed the loo desperately, which I did, but found that he actually took pictures of us, naked body girls in shower. We cried but he ignored and kept enjoying his acts. Later that night I complained to mom and uncle deleted those photos. The second was, on a bus, uncle out of the blue comment to me a 7 years old, that said my dad also loves my sister more than I. I still remember I didnt cry or blame, I just accepted it that way because I know everyone has a preference, parents no exception, but more importantly dad tries to be fair to us both and show it with his actions throughout my life, for that I admire and respect my dad even more.

Oh also, Granddad was not very decent on two occasions. But just something very minor nasty nothing molestation or trauma.

I remembered once my BPD friend talked of her "trauma" childhood experience, which sounds to me wasn't such a big deal anyway but that experience led her to cut herself later (I started to sense her BPD traits originated from this perceived abandonment incident). In a way to comfort/brighten her, and in exchange of experiences, I quoted my these experiences and ended in a way that everyone has this or that not-so-nice experiences when they were young, but this doesnt mean we shall carry such negative which dates back years ago. Gather yourself, let go and see the bright you now. She seem not satisfied with my conclusion (or way to perceive/viewpoint), she went on and said "if you really can let go, then why you still remember those things?". I went on and said "I remember those things because they were a matter of fact. It did happen I cant deny it and I by nature have good memories. But it doesn't mean that I carry some kind of emotional thing that affected me, or changed my worldview to such degree. And I am quoting these because we are exchanging childhood experiences.". She replied with no words but a weird smile/eye sights on her facial gesture. This isn't the only time she use facial gestures in a subtle way to try change my perception. Thinking back now, I think she was upset or perhaps jealous of another person who can handle and let go while she couldn't. She must felt undermined and want to convince/influence others perception/worldview into her own. Instead of learning from someone, and seeing the positive, they would just try to bring you to their level.

On a more balanced self reflect, if you ask me whether these incidences affect my sexuality in adulthood. I can honestly say no, not even on subconscious level. My bisexuality is due to some other factors, curiosity is a big one, mom is another (as if I try to understand/fix a woman who exhibit similar traits), school environment is another, society acceptance is another.

My BPD friend once told me that she had another friend who had some PD went to see a therapist (may be she was talking about herself). The therapist always try to trace the disorder back to childhood experiences. She further said it was too much for that friend to face such trauma. I can understand this somehow now but I since experiencing the first depression in my life now, I suspect whether such things help. Sure I am not a professional therapist and depression is very much different than personality disorder. But on reflection, as I have been depressing in the past two years or such, trying to self heal and trace back to my childhood experiences, my brain tends to search for the bad things memory. I suppose when you are energy/emotion down/low frequency, your mind tend to bring back the low frequency things and it turns to a somewhat downward spiral. God I am like a  giggly pig to myself now trying to understand more of psychology and human nature.

Last night I spoke to a friend over the phone, she was talking about her former colleague of a major child molestation, that person was raped by her uncle at young age and her parents pretend seeing nothing even when the girl bleeding walking out of door. On cohesion I brought up my experience of uncle taking shower picture, in a causal talk manner. My friend comment "What, it was such an awful doing to a 6 years old." in a voice tone/way that see me as a victim (I can be a little sensitive here as I m in a down period and knowing my friend's personality). On reflection I never really see myself as a victim on any of my life experiences, I always thought you can learn from all kinds of life experiences, be it ups or downs, they are always good in the end, because this is what makes life interesting and colourful. Now that I think I understand more of mindset of a BPD or other disorder. They do tend to find themselves in a victim role, some cases are understandable like the former colleague rape case above, while some cases are not really that bad like in my case.

There is this childhood experience that I think put a huge impact on making me more sensitive to other people sayings/ego thing. When I was around 5, mom brought me and sister to an upscale restaurant for a buffet lunch. That was the first time I touch a knife and a folk (we use chopsticks in our culture). Mom was busy teaching sister use knife & folk. While I was struggling try to handle the set myself, mom laugh at me, laugh at my funny look, then the waitress also looked at me. Sister was indifference, she didnt join the laugh game which was good or otherwise I would be even more hurt.

Years later, granddad had an incidence, loss his memory and was in a nursery home. One time mom and I visited him. Granddad was talking something not logical doesnt make sense way. Nobody found anything strange including me and the nurses, except my mom who laugh at granddad, her own dad! I can see the faces of the nurses, they must think mom's altitude not respectful and wrong. I felt so embarrassed because I echo the judgement of the nurses.

But thank god, mom's somehow mentality disorder are not very destructive as to such degree like those I met in past few years. She earn herself living, tease this or that, some minor triangulation in the family circle occasionally, selfish, big mouth (say private family matters to outsiders). But she is not deceptive, calculative or overly manipulative. To these day, once in a while I can engage in a deeper honest talk with mom. Once in a while she show her upmost caring and elderly woman wisdom in the conversations. She also sometimes feel guilty of making me feel unfairly treated in childhood (I sent her a letter when I was in boarding high school years ago, talking my school life, caring of the family and my life ambitions, and did touch the subject but not in a sentimental way). Actually everytime she try to explain that she love both us equally and not partial towards my sister, I do feel bad. Bad because she still think this affected me such as some kind of trauma. Bad because i dont want her to carry the guilt. Bad because this is a past thing the explaination now makes no meaning. Bad because she still doesnt get the point no matter how much I try to explain that this isnt such a big deal and in a positive way it helps me to learn more independent, more compassion to people, it just makes me stronger and be a better person. I think next time I know how to talk to her to make her feel less guilt and understand my point. I also believe that my love to mom, sister and dad prevent me from being a negative person a PD would be. Love is indeed very amazing.

There were some good childhood experiences and touching moments.

I still remember one infant experience (must be around 6 months or so), that mom holds me in her hands, trying to comfort me when I cried out loud missing my nanny. Haha that night disturbed mom and dad sleep.

At around 2.5 years, mom and nanny took me to a park. Someone (dad?) was trying to take photo of me and my sister, mom made a funny hand sign above dad's head trying to make me laugh so the photos would look good. I was always reacting to mom's fuuny gesture, when my sister not really, hence looking at my childhood photos I was always put a cute big smile on my face.

At around 3, mom organised a birthday party at McDonald's. I still remember the moment dad hold me up to a stand next to a McDonald status to take a picture. That was the first time I recognise this is my dad, I felt warm and protected. (Back then our flat was small, parents live outside until 3 years of age, and nanny took great care of me. Something usual in our country's culture in the late 70's-80's.)