Feeling bad about ignoring him

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Why do I feel so bad for ignoring him, even when I know it is the right thing to do. Since my exuBPD and I broke up, we tried to do the friend thing. We live in different cities, so didn't have to deal with physically seeing each other. I just couldn't take the complete 180 of emotional investment (constant talking and texting, sharing our day/challenges at work/life etc.) to nothing more than a "have a good day" or in some instances simply ignoring or ST- so I decided to try NC, more to prevent me from reaching out to him. Yet here I am feeling like a complete jerk for not saying at least "thanks" to a simple Happy Birthday text.  Worrying that I may have hurt his feelings and not appreciated his simple acknowledgement of the day. I'm sure he also feels guilt from ignoring my messages (please note the sarcasm here).

[Tater tot]

Why do I feel so bad for ignoring him, even when I know it is the right thing to do. Since my exuBPD and I broke up, we tried to do the friend thing. We live in different cities, so didn't have to deal with physically seeing each other. I just couldn't take the complete 180 of emotional investment (constant talking and texting, sharing our day/challenges at work/life etc.) to nothing more than a "have a good day" or in some instances simply ignoring or ST- so I decided to try NC, more to prevent me from reaching out to him. Yet here I am feeling like a complete jerk for not saying at least "thanks" to a simple Happy Birthday text.  Worrying that I may have hurt his feelings and not appreciated his simple acknowledgement of the day. I'm sure he also feels guilt from ignoring my messages (please note the sarcasm here).

[drummerboy]

No Contact means NO CONTACT and almost anyone here will tell you its the only way to go to get some control and dignity back.

May I ask why you are worried about hurting his feelings?

I too, will never understand how they can go from complete adoration to ST. Normal people don't do that sort of thing, you were dealing with abnormal. You were in Crazytown. The choice is yours, send him a thank you text and risk being sucked back into the hell or continue the NC and keep the control and your dignity.

I know you'll make the right decision.

Big hugs to you



Hugs Tater

[patientandclear]

Have you explained why you need NC or did you just disappear? If the HB text was him ignoring your request that's one thing -- he already knows why you might not answer, though I also think a "thank you" is fine; you can always re-impose NC after that.  But if you just went silent on him I understand why this is bugging you; if you did I'd explain "thanks but I need to not be in touch for the time being; be well."

It makes sense that you feel like you're hurting his feelings. You probably are and this is someone you care for. It's a completely normal and healthy reaction and you don't need to worry that you feel that way.

NC is a tool for detachment. I think it should normally be explained so it isn't us doing what they often do with silent treatment, which is devastating as many of us well know. NC is not like a vow of chastity--you can use it but step out of it situationally when maintaining NC is causing more obsessive focus on the person; it could be that a simple "thanks" would facilitate detachment.

[Rifka]

Tater tot,

You are feeling normal non emotions and rationalizing on that level.

If you react to your feelings you may end up recycling or worse your ex is in the driver seat and could ignore you or say something to make you feel even worse.

This could be a lose lose situation.

N/C protects us from them and us!

If you are planning to stay together and figure out how to exist in this roller coaster emotional life, then do what you feel you need to do.

If you had enough, then try to be strong for yourself


Your first sentence might be better turned around.

Why don't I feel so bad ignoring me?

[Tater tot]

No Contact means NO CONTACT and almost anyone here will tell you its the only way to go to get some control and dignity back.

May I ask why you are worried about hurting his feelings?

I too, will never understand how they can go from complete adoration to ST. Normal people don't do that sort of thing, you were dealing with abnormal. You were in Crazytown. The choice is yours, send him a thank you text and risk being sucked back into the hell or continue the NC and keep the control and your dignity.

I know you'll make the right decision.

Big hugs to you



Hugs Tater

Thanks Bauie- much appreciated I'm worried about hurting his feelings A) because I do still care about him and I feel like the ignoring someone is the one of the rudest, demeaning and hurtful things a person can do B) i feel like everyone gives up on him and I don't want to be that person who does C) he's had a habit of blaming all his detachment on me and things that i've said or done, so this is just another "thing i've done to him" and D) i think deep down i'm hoping that he's not this BPD person that I so truly believe him to be.

It's been two days, and I just started feeling the guilt for all of the reasons above, but I don't trust myself to not get sucked back in- even with a simple thanks- as I'll start to believe "oh he remembered, maybe he does actually care" when i think i know deep down he does, just not how he should or how i would want him too... .or in reality, maybe not even at all.

[Tater tot]

Have you explained why you need NC or did you just disappear? If the HB text was him ignoring your request that's one thing -- he already knows why you might not answer, though I also think a "thank you" is fine; you can always re-impose NC after that.  But if you just went silent on him I understand why this is bugging you; if you did I'd explain "thanks but I need to not be in touch for the time being; be well."

No, I didn't explain that I was going or needed NC. Why? Well I don't think he cared much one way or the other. I finally had enough after reaching out to him, and being ignored. Even after (as a last straw) suggesting we erase the last 6 months and start over just as friends. Because really I know I don't want the relationship, but did think we were and could be friends. His response, no response. I feel like telling him i'm going NC only makes him feel he is still important to me (which he is) but I basically lowered myself enough in my attempts to stay in his good graces, that I finally had enough. I won't force someone to be in my life that doesn't want to be. I'm shocked that he reached out, I'm shocked that I held strong and didn't reply. I feel bad, but I know if I reached out to him, i'd be ignored or get a one word response.

I'm better than NC, and it's sad that he's brought me to this place.

[fromheeltoheal]

It's common for a borderline to what to remain "friends" after a breakup, because it absolves them of the shame they feel for treating us badly, the downside is it keeps our pain alive.

Kindhearted people like us, the ones who fall for borderlines, the ones with a target on our back, find it easy to put other people's needs ahead of our own, so it's completely understandable why we would be concerned with a borderline's feelings after a breakup.  But honestly, were your feelings ever considered in the relationship, beyond the idealization/capture stage?  Mine weren't.  

I bailed without a trace when I left her, fueled by anger and impending insanity, and a few months later I felt just a little guilt for bailing the way I did, but that was easily assuaged by reviewing the long, long list of completely unacceptable crap she pulled.  And digging deeper, that guilt was very old for People Pleaser me, always making other people's needs more important than my own, and with time, as I continued to take care of myself very well, I discovered that much of any guilt I've felt has that same source, and it was time to say screw it, my needs matter.

So dig a little, and if you did something you feel guilty about, something you should fix for your own wellbeing, then fix it, beyond that, look very closely at your needs, your boundaries, and put yourself first.  One man's opinion... .

[OutOfEgypt]

Why do you feel badly?

Probably a few reasons:

1. You care (totally normal).  Having boundaries and caring for your own needs doesn't always feel good.  That's life.

2. You are a rescuer, so you feel guilty putting yourself and your own health before anybody else's perceived needs.  When you are a rescuer, it means you are drawn to people who play victim.  It's a way to punish yourself.

3. FOG - they are wonderful at making themselves look like victims.  You can almost imagine their sad eyes, can't you?

When I was with my ex, I came to the point where I saw that "it is me or her."  I had to choose -not because I wanted to, but because I had to.  When you are with someone like that, their behavior makes you choose.  It puts you in that position.  So, you either choose to go back to wrapping all around them, in which case you suffer (and arguably, they suffer, too, because we enable them), or you choose what is best for you, which won't feel great at first but will be best for you and arguably better for them.

[Tater tot]

This could be a lose lose situation.

It is a lose lose situation. What I really hate, is that I've had to resort to some of the behaviors in him that I detest, just to regain my sense of self and break free of him.

"Beware when you fight the monsters, lest you become one" -Nietzsche

[tired-of-it-all]

When I feel bad, when I feel sorry for the BPD (for that matter anyone) is when I place myself in their head.  When I start predicting how they feel.  They must be lonely, they must be depressed, they must feel hurt or regret.  None of that is true.  Those are the feelings that I would feel.  They do not feel that way.  They may pretend in order to manipulate me but they don't feel or react the way that I feel and react.  I have learned the hard way to stay out of their head.  Let their actions speak for themselves without me letting my crazy emotions take me someplace that doesn't exist.

Don't, DON'T contact him.  IT WON'T HELP HIM AND IT WILL HURT YOU.

[OutOfEgypt]

All the analysis aside, it doesn't feel good when you put up firm boundaries with someone you were close to... .especially when those boundaries a) are not received well by them (more of a testimony about how they are), and b) involve keeping them OUT.  I still deal with and talk to my BPD ex, because we share children.  We are getting along fairly well, but if she tries to invite me to "hang out", like a big happy family, I'm going to say "No."  That won't feel good.  It will hurt her.  I also don't allow her in my house when I'm not home.  That hurts her, too.  It doesn't make me feel good, but on the other hand I feel great having control over my own space.

The worst thing in the world is living in such a way that you feel like you have no say over who comes in and who goes out... .whether you are talking about your home or your heart.  Taking back that control is RIGHT.

[OutOfEgypt]

Both totally true, and both I sensed.  Even when we were splitting up and she was cheating on someone else, she wanted to be "friends"... .just like her grandparents who were all divorced and remarried.  I knew why... .as long as it looks like "we're okay" she doesn't have to feel guilty or ashamed.

I don't mind being friendly, because we share kids, but this is a great reminder.