Should I seek custody?

[Lishyy]

Hello!

Here is some background information:

I'm 25 and I have had no where to turn. My mother is EXTREMELY borderline and its beginning to be very difficult to deal with.

I have two brothers one in his early 20's the other is only 4.

Most articles agree no contact is best however I need to have contact in order to be able to take my young brother on weekends so that he is able to have other influences in his life. His father lives in another country and is basically unknown. I am his only hope at a normal influence as my other brother cannot deal with her now that he is in university.

I struggle daily with her constant screaming and yelling to get her way, her displeasure with anything that doesn't suit her needs or wants, her constant arguments, with other people in the community appalled with her, manipulation, control and not being able to understand that people are all unique and her way is not the best way, her thinking that everyone in the world is against her and her not being able to understand that if she is rude people won't want to be nice to her, her constant demands, constant spending, constant need to be valued and correct, constant anything that could hurt your feelings put downs.

Any help on how to deal with her constant negativity would be great as I need to ensure my little brother has positive influences.

I was taken away from her when I was 4, I was fortunate enough for that.

The Queen is always on her computer shopping on ebay. She is constantly yelling at my young brother, He cries to me and says he doesn't want to go home, the Queen is abusive towards my 66 year old grandmother who lives with her (now unwillingly; my grandmother cannot save up the money to get out of the mortgage and is stuck being controlled by the queen, the child is copying the queen calling my grandmother names such as "freeloader" "fat b___" "selfish" "lazy" "dirty" etc)

I have a friend who is a manager at a pet shop, she has told me that my mother used to come into the store 2 times a week and ask the same questions (fishing for extra attention) and one day a younger child aid bless you to her as she sneezed and my mother started swearing and yelling that the family are devil worshippers as they are christians and don't believe that egyptians started everything (her crazy beliefs that she pushes onto everyone that she passes by without even knowing them). My friend then had to kick her out of the store as she was making a scene. Most people in public stores know her well enough that they understand not to bring up anything that could be highly opinionated as she will go crazy.

I asked her for custody of my little brother and she argued that she would not get her baby bonus every month and could not pay off her debt, and that she didn't want my brother to think he was abandoned. She understand that every single person hates her and admitted to me that it was EVERYONE else and not her. Literally admitted it. She doesn't care if people hate her and doesn't care that she is alone. She creates drama in every single situation she is in, even ordering a coffee.

This is so not healthy for my brother or grandmother and I really do not know what to do. Please someone help me.

[ForeverDad]

The fact that you were removed from your mother's care when you were 4 years old is a huge historical event.  This surely wasn't done lightly.  Now your brother is 4 and the issue has arisen again.  Your brother is no longer an infant or toddler and so he's starting to seek more and more independence and self-expression.  Comments from years ago always stated that BPD parents did okay when the children were small since they needed the parent to do everything, but when the children.

A plus already for you is that you take your brother every weekend.  That shows you're already deeply involved in his life and separate from your/his mother.  Can you increase it?  In a year or two he'll be going to school, perhaps sooner if he goes to preschool, and if she would let you be in charge of school that would be even better.

"Should I seek custody?"  For your brother's sake, yes, if you can.  But first, time to do some homework.

(1) Check with Children's agencies and find out what poor behaviors are required to make a change in custody possible.  I recall in my CPS agency didn't step in when my then-spouse was ranting and raging at me.  Twice I called before our separation and two different staff ask me instead, "Is she screaming and raging at your preschooler?"  Do you see?  They didn't care if he was exposed to her raging at me, only if he experienced it himself.  So find out what is seen as 'actionable' in your area.

(2) Likely you already have devices which can record, a cell phone, MP3 recorder/player, etc.  If not then you can buy a voice recorder.  I've even seen pocket pencams on sale on the internet and in some electronics stores.  (Whatever you use, don't shove a device in her face when documenting her rages.  You want to document her rages as a pattern in her life and not as a response to you recording her.)  Remember that agencies and courts give far more attention to parenting behaviors (how she treats her child) than with adult behaviors (how she treats you and others).

Also, about your grandmother.  Whose house is it, grandmother's or mother's?  Better asked, who are on the deed and who are on the mortgage?  If grandmother is the only one on both the deed and mortgage, then she can evict her daughter.  She just needs to enforce a boundary that daughter must go and withstand the blowback from daughter until it's done and over.

[Lishyy]

Thanks for your response!

I have asked for more time but she is hesitant due to her not receiving baby bonus (about $300 or so a month)

She lives off the government and does not have a job and also had him in preschool for most of is life. she complains still that she has no time for herself. He started Jr. kindergarden last week but she will not allow me to have him during the week (which I would prefer). She does not like me very much as I do not allow her to control me like she does with everyone else. I am starting today to keep track of everything said and done between us and between her and my little brother. It is hard to record her actions with him because I do not visit her home very often. I could ask my grandmother to record her as she lives there.

They are currently both on the mortgage and the deed to the house. they split it down the middle. My grandmother only has access to her bedroom and the rest of the house in controlled by the Queen.

The issue with Canadian child welfare (Childrens Aid Society) is that they have been to her house but she is very good at manipulation and faking her actions to seem genuine. She is very very good at fooling people if need be. They deemed her "safe" for his well being and welfare.  They mostly only acknowledge physical abuse and RARELY take a child away for mental/emotional abuse as it is harder to detect. I will continue to document everything and hopefully in due time I will have a case against her.

I was taken away when I was 4 because she beat me with a leather belt. They did not take my brother away at the same time as he was only a baby. She had me when she was kicked out in order to gain extra money form government assistance. Then when I was 4 and taken away she had another baby, and when that baby was 18, she coincidentally had my little brother who is now 4.

Very sticky situation I'm in.

[catnap]

If you can afford a consultation (some consultations my be free or at a reduced cost) with a family law attorney on what would be needed for custody of your brother, and if your grandmother has a case for elder abuse.    It sounds as though your mother also may be financially taking advantage of your grandmother. 

A Practical Guide to Elder Abuse and Neglect Law in Canada

www.bcli.org/sites/default/files/Practical_Guide_English_Rev_JULY_2011.pdf