Can't stop obsessing... so writing obsessive thoughts here

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hey Guys,

Just a little bit of purging... .I'm totally obsessing. Still in a bit of terror mode. Can't stop ruminating. Sucks!

One thing that sucks... .over the past two years, our lives have consistently and constantly interconnected. We live 2000 miles apart yet our lives intersect. It's insane. I got an email a month and a half ago from a guy that was my old college buddy who ran into her on an ice climbing trip in Alaska! Weird. I was in the office of this guy I'm working with and I look up on his wall and he has a card from a woman posted on it that says how thankful she is for having him introduce her to my ex and how wonderful she is. It was weird. I just looked up on his wall (which was covered in stuff) and her name is the first thing I read. It was in tiny print too. This stuff keeps happening over and over and over again. I hate it. The weirdest part is that when we were together, we didn't work together at all. I really didn't even understand what she did for work. All I knew was that it was her 'dream job' and that she 'hated it with all her heart and that the people were terrible'. Ack. Annoying... .

Here are the fears:

1) I will never be with someone as beautiful as I found her.

2) I will feel like this forever.

3) My current relationship is doomed.

4) She is going to contact me again any second.

5) She is never going to contact me again.

6) I'm going to be an idiot and contact her.

I guess that's it. This is terrible. A month ago I was super stoked that I would never hear from her again in my life. Now this. Makes no sense to me. I guess that's what's scary.

[willy45]

Hey Guys,

Just a little bit of purging... .I'm totally obsessing. Still in a bit of terror mode. Can't stop ruminating. Sucks!

One thing that sucks... .over the past two years, our lives have consistently and constantly interconnected. We live 2000 miles apart yet our lives intersect. It's insane. I got an email a month and a half ago from a guy that was my old college buddy who ran into her on an ice climbing trip in Alaska! Weird. I was in the office of this guy I'm working with and I look up on his wall and he has a card from a woman posted on it that says how thankful she is for having him introduce her to my ex and how wonderful she is. It was weird. I just looked up on his wall (which was covered in stuff) and her name is the first thing I read. It was in tiny print too. This stuff keeps happening over and over and over again. I hate it. The weirdest part is that when we were together, we didn't work together at all. I really didn't even understand what she did for work. All I knew was that it was her 'dream job' and that she 'hated it with all her heart and that the people were terrible'. Ack. Annoying... .

Here are the fears:

1) I will never be with someone as beautiful as I found her.

2) I will feel like this forever.

3) My current relationship is doomed.

4) She is going to contact me again any second.

5) She is never going to contact me again.

6) I'm going to be an idiot and contact her.

I guess that's it. This is terrible. A month ago I was super stoked that I would never hear from her again in my life. Now this. Makes no sense to me. I guess that's what's scary.

[myself]

1) I will never be with someone as beautiful as I found her.

2) I will feel like this forever.

3) My current relationship is doomed.

4) She is going to contact me again any second.

5) She is never going to contact me again.

6) I'm going to be an idiot and contact her.

1) Maybe, maybe not. Get free of this, anything is possible.

2) Feelings change. You've changed before. You'll change again.

3) Put your focus there, looking forwards instead of backwards.

4) If you're NC, blocking her, not responding, it won't matter.

5) In some ways it's a loss, but in many more it's a gain.

6) Maybe, maybe not. What's really best for you? Do that.

[willtimeheal]

1) I will never be with someone as beautiful as I found her.

2) I will feel like this forever.

3) My current relationship is doomed.

4) She is going to contact me again any second.

5) She is never going to contact me again.

6) I'm going to be an idiot and contact her.

1) Maybe, maybe not. Get free of this, anything is possible.

2) Feelings change. You've changed before. You'll change again.

3) Put your focus there, looking forwards instead of backwards.

4) If you're NC, blocking her, not responding, it won't matter.

5) In some ways it's a loss, but in many more it's a gain.

6) Maybe, maybe not. What's really best for you? Do that.

Well said

[Harri]

Hi willy!

Myself is right on the money.  None of those things on your list are have-tos.  You can change them, especially now that you have identified them, so well done you!    

Do you have a mantra or saying that you can tell yourself over and over that will comfort you when you feel fearful or panicky?  I did, and I still do, a lot of self-talk to try to break the old patterns of behavior that no matter how harmful they were, were comfortable for me and so I kept doing them.

[Dolly rocker]

Somedays I feel exactly the same as you! Somedays I can't stop ruminating! But then I look at at pic of him and replacement. And that sickens me to death. Maybe not the healthiest way to forget about him, but it definitely helps me to stop missing and obsessing about him!

[StayOrLeave15]

Hey Willy sorry you're having a tough day man. 

I've followed your story pretty closely as well as seen you reply to my and many others' posts.  You seem pretty wise and well-versed in BPD relationships but they can take a toll on all of us. 

A lot of your statements would fall under what my therapist calls "Common Cognitive Distortions".  Always/never statements, black and white thinking, predicting the future.  You can find these lists anywhere so here is one of the first ones that popped up when I searched:

www1.appstate.edu/~hillrw/Dep%20Cognitive/cogdis.html

I'm not saying what you're feeling right now is wrong.  Your feelings are your feelings.  But to step back and try and have a little of insight into them might make it just a bit easier to cope.  If you reframe things to say "Today I feel like crap, but that doesn't mean I will tomorrow," it might put you at ease just a bit. 

From your postings I know this woman has had her hooks in you and trust me I know it's tough.  But didn't you say you have women after you all the time?  Why don't you assess your current relationship and either put your energy there or just get out there and have fun. 

Personally I'm not ready to start dating seriously (3 weeks NC today).  But a friend set me up on a date right after the breakup.  I went into it with very low expectations but ended up having a great time.  Reminded me of the old cliche "There are other fish in the sea".

And a few other things.  If you're talking about looks, didn't you say yourself that she isn't that attractive? Maybe the idea of her is attractive to you but there are plenty of beautiful (and healthy) women in the world.  And you won't feel like this forever.  Another cliche, but this too shall pass. 

I feel your pain and I'm not trying to be harsh, but just want to remind you that just because something is this way today, it doesn't mean it will be that way forever.  That's actually the way my BPDxgf saw the world, and we all know that isn't true  .

[willy45]

Thanks so much StayorLeave15. Those words are well said and totally not harsh at all. I guess beauty is in the eye of the beholder. When she was seductive, she was stunning. When she wasn't, she really wasn't. Kind of creeped me out. I have a hard time keeping the real her in focus. I did a month ago. And then talked to her. She has this ability to manipulate me emotionally that I haven't figured out yet. I just haven't been able to fully accept that she is not well. I keep believing (hoping?) it was my fault as she always said. Sometimes she days things that sound so balanced that it all makes sense. Other times it just doesn't.

I think I am just back to grieving mode. And its scary to me that I'm back here. Again. As hurt as the day I left her. It doesn't make sense to me. But, I guess I just need to do the grieving again and truly let go.

[enlighten me]

1) I will never be with someone as beautiful as I found her.

2) I will feel like this forever.

3) My current relationship is doomed.

4) She is going to contact me again any second.

5) She is never going to contact me again.

6) I'm going to be an idiot and contact her.

1) It was only outer beauty. You will definitely meet someone more beautiful on the inside.

2) It may feel that way now but I promise you it wont last.

3) Your current relationship will be doomed if you don't stop living in the past and start living for today.

4) She may she may not. Its how you handle it that matters.

5) Is this really a bad thing after everything she has put you through.

6) Not if your strong you wont. Keep reminding yourself about how she made you feel about who you were. Do you really want to be that person again.