Invalidated over and over...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi guys.

I hope to get some words of wisdom, cause sometimes I go back to that dark place and feel bad... .

I have some uBPD/ NPD/ HPD relatives and as a result, ended up with some dysfunctional friends. Very limited contact with family nowadays and cut out such "friends".

But still, and maybe cause I have no support system, I feel very lonely. One or two friends understand what I have been through, but sometimes I hear the "everybody has flaws, if you cut contact like that you´ll have to live in a cave"... .

I find it invalidating cause it equals abuser and abused, since I hear "you have to be patient" etc.

Im aware I have to find closure and validate myself but sometimes its just exhausting. I was depressed and treated years ago, but now I wonder if I have PTSD or C-PTSD. I just feel exhausted and drained and even when I watch some uBPD on tv, it makes me angry.

I guess Im so tired of so much burden on my shoulders. I feel like Im locked in a kindergarten with 20 3-year olds running and screaming... .Everywhere I turn I see Im dealing with ultra selfish, self-absorbed people who try their best to dump their chores on me or throw tantrums.

Anybody feels the same? Thank you for reading.

[Louise7777]

Hi guys.

I hope to get some words of wisdom, cause sometimes I go back to that dark place and feel bad... .

I have some uBPD/ NPD/ HPD relatives and as a result, ended up with some dysfunctional friends. Very limited contact with family nowadays and cut out such "friends".

But still, and maybe cause I have no support system, I feel very lonely. One or two friends understand what I have been through, but sometimes I hear the "everybody has flaws, if you cut contact like that you´ll have to live in a cave"... .

I find it invalidating cause it equals abuser and abused, since I hear "you have to be patient" etc.

Im aware I have to find closure and validate myself but sometimes its just exhausting. I was depressed and treated years ago, but now I wonder if I have PTSD or C-PTSD. I just feel exhausted and drained and even when I watch some uBPD on tv, it makes me angry.

I guess Im so tired of so much burden on my shoulders. I feel like Im locked in a kindergarten with 20 3-year olds running and screaming... .Everywhere I turn I see Im dealing with ultra selfish, self-absorbed people who try their best to dump their chores on me or throw tantrums.

Anybody feels the same? Thank you for reading.

[BuildingFromScratch]

Hey Louise, sorry to hear about your troubles. I too think I have PTSD/C-PTSD from this. I also find myself neglecting getting better for periods of time. It makes the healing process so slow. I find meditation and self love videos on youtube to be a great help. I think in the end, it's all about being patient, soft, loving and easy on ourselves, hard to do that when we haven't for our whole lives though, right?

Sorry that your friends aren't as supportive as you'd like. I pretty much lost all my friends to this relationship. It's hard but it's possible to do it on our own. Plus this site can offer support and understanding. I find that people just often don't have a lot to give and don't know how to deal with negativity, sadness or pain from others. So even though you deserve understanding and support, they may not be able to give it.

I'm sorry for what you've been through, be soft with yourself, you deserve it, we all do. Hope you feel better soon.

[Perfidy]

Lol! There's nothing wrong with you sweetie! Welcome to the human race!

[Rubies]

I have have BPD family and a BPDxh.  Yes, I have PTSD and CSS.  I do my best to stay no and low contact with them and their enablers.  When I decided I HAD to change my life to save it, I put negative, invalidating "friends" out too.   What I find amazing is those who stated I should put up with such poor treatment from others have in their family they are NC because of the same stuff?

Because a lot of my experiences scare the snot out of most women, I don't discuss it in detail with my new friends unless I know they can handle it.  I keep it vague, "They are not healthy for me."  Who can invalidate that?

While I do need a lot of quiet down time, without BPDs or negatives occupying my time, emotions and headspace, I have a lot more time for positive social interactions where I can  meet new aquaintances, start new friendships.   I take them slow and have few close friends.  I don't trust easily for good reason.   

I make a conscious effort to listen, hear and receive validation from others.  I also make sure I only speak positive words.  If I can't say anything nice, I shouldn't be there.  It's about taking care of me and my needs first.  Only then can I meet the needs of others.

[Louise7777]

BuildingFromScratch, thank you for your kind words. Im sorry you have PTSD and thank you for the suggestions. You are right in many ways. I think our "friends" were never really friends and at some point we realized it. But certainly we make better choices now.

Perfidy, thank you. But you know what, it doesnt have to be like that. I guess we are used to ealing with uPDs, so we believe the human race is like that. Just today I had a pleasant experience with people, they were so warm and kind, unlike my own family. I think I just surrounded myself with the wrong type of people... .

Rubies, sorry for you having PTSD (what´s CCSS?). Its indeed very invalidating to hear to put up with such situations. Its the ultimate injustice when you put abuser and abused on the same level. People just dont realize it. The "they are not healthy for me" is a great line! What I have noticed about me is that I get angrier at the enablers than the uPDs themselves. Cause to certain extent, they saw the tyranical behaviour and kept quiet. Its something I have to accept, not intelectually only and Im struggling with that still... .

[Rubies]

CSS is Complex Stress Syndrome.  It's not POST traumatic stress, the stressors are current.   

The people who say you need to be with these people because they're family, then add, "Set your boundary and don't let them get to you,"  don't exactly understand the perspective of the worm thrown in the chicken yard.   Why go there when there's a happy colony of healthy worms in the compost pile?

The family dynamics are not going to change.  BPDs are not going to change, their enablers will always support, protect and participate.   Your role in their lives will not change.  Set, state, enforce your new boundaries with them.  Every 3 minutes.  What do you have?  You're exhausted with Drama and Trauma until you can't even think straight.   What a waste of life, for what?  Because somebody said so?

I choose healing.  To do this I have to stop what's causing the damage first.

[Louise7777]

Thank you so much, Rubies. I guess it took me longer to realize enablers will never stop either. I think I assumed they´d understand clearly and then behave differently. I was so wrong.

[fromheeltoheal]

"everybody has flaws, if you cut contact like that you'll have to live in a cave"... .

Maybe for a while, but at least you'll be in that cave with someone you like: you.

After removing my borderline ex from my life and detaching, a very profound wake-up call all around, I was forced, motivated by pain, or maybe just given the opportunity, to look at the entirety of my life and everyone in it.  I was sleepwalking through life when my ex showed up, or maybe living a false self and in denial, probably some of both, and the pain of the relationship put an end to all that, I had no choice.  So I started looking closely at my values and living from them, building a life from scratch, a new beginning.  When we go through a traumatic experience we get shaken up, where we settle is up to us, and it's common when we go through big changes to discover that we may not have as much or anything in common with people we used to call friends, or family for that matter; it's said good friends are the family we get to choose for ourselves.

So screw the false self.  There's advice when meeting new people and maintaining boundaries to share-check-share, meaning share a little bit of ourselves, see what reaction or reciprocation we get from whomever, and then share more, or not.  Lately I've found that's too much work and I'm a pretty open and honest person, so I've just been blurting out my truth, and if the reaction is negative or judgmental, I'm off to the next.  Life is too short for that crap.  

So far so good, as I build the life of my dreams anew, and another cool thing?  I get to go back to that cave when I need to recharge and regroup, since I know everyone there loves me and I'll be supported.  Not a bad thing at all.

[Louise7777]

Fromheeltoheal, thank you so much for sharing your experience.

Like you, I feel its too much work, indeed. I think its giving the other person too much room, this kind of behaviour is draining for me. I have no time for games. I believe relationships should be easier, more open and if they cant take that, I just move on, like you do. Thank you for saying it, I feel very validated. I felt like anti-social because of all the "you have to get along with difficult people" I heard.

Even from a close friend. She´s really nice, but I think shes in denial in many levels. Even in her own r/s. She has been abused for over 20 years by a uPAPD friend and just recently found it odd... .So I really cant expect validation in daily life. This forum is a life-saver for me. Thank you!

Like you, I have also realized many things regarding relatives and friends and had to make some choices (cutting many out of my life). As somebody else told me on this forum "think of it as opening room for better people".

[Rubies]

When people say these things to me, I hit pause and ask myself these questions. 

Does this person care about me?  Or does this person care only about themselves, protecting their fear or the status quo?

Does this person truly know the situation?  I mean, were they there to ever witness the carnage, or did you ever witness theirs so there's common experience for understanding?

Some people don't know, some people can't know and some people don't care and never will.   

I know our dysfunctional families don't care and never will care about how much they hurt us and the tons of invalidation they heap upon us.  I will no longer invest time and emotion in them.

When my best friend of 3 years did the "spend time with your parents, you won't have them forever," tried to validate with having a negative mom, too, I know she truly didn't understand.  All her Pollyanna helpfulness felt invalidating, but that wasn't her intention.  She WAS Pollyanna.  Then it brought HER into the crosshairs of the neighborhood emotional terrorist and the hits kept coming for weeks, and I was there for her, and now she knows what it's like, and why saying "It's not healthy for me," is a good enough answer to why you have nothing to do with these people.  We have complete trust and respect between us now built upon shared experiences.

[Louise7777]

Rubies, thank you again.

Carnage. That really describes it. My friends never witnessed it. One of my closest ones is sympathetic, although she doesnt fully understand and I avoid saying much, she tries to help but sometimes just invalidtes, unknowingly. Also, she has some problems and I believe she is in denial regarding her own situation. I think she doesnt want to know, otherwise she´ll have to change her whole life... .You mentioned mainteining the status quo and I think thats a big part in many people´s lives... .

Its good that your friend now understands, due to her own experience. I dont have that. Even in my family, my mom realizes to some extent, but she cant fully deal with it. Or for some odd reason, she takes her sadistic uBPD sister´s side. Some weeks ago we had a fight regarding that, I asked her why she always had to put her "adorable" sister before anybody else... .I dont even know what she answered me, I was so enraged... .My mom was her enabler and her slave and Id really like to understand that dysfunctional dynamic... .I read about it on romantic r/s, but never in a sibling´s r/s... .

[Rubies]

Louise, if your mom changes her role as enabler, then SHE will face the wrath, upset the applecart for everyone in the family and probably be disowned by everyone she hold dear but you.   She's probably tried in the past but could stand up to the invalidation, emotional blackmail and isolation.  I'm sure your mom is a nice lady, but she's probably not a strong person.  Codependent?

That's my observation of extended family through 3 generations.  Some of us simply leave and stay in touch with a few who stay in touch with a few.

My kick in the gut was dad yelling at me, "You know what she's like so just take it!"  I always though if he knew, he'd protect me.  Nope, he wants me to take it so she won't turn on him!

[Louise7777]

Rubies, I really dont know if she´s codependent or has BPD traits... .I guess a mix of both, if thats even possible.

She´s in her 80´s, so theres no parents there anymore (obviously), but the dynamics remain. We are a small family. She was the enabler but she received LOTS of rages. She was always abused by her sister, always had to serve her and at the same time, was being extremely disrespected.

I believe I felt invalidated since I was a child, everytime we visited I heard the "dont fight with your aunt" ("aunt" is +40 than me!)... .Recently I told her how wrong that was and asked why... .her answer was "your aunt is crazy and I could expect you to behave". Meaning that she could control me while her sister was out of control.

Im sure you understand me, your dad did the same, somehow. But my mom was raged at no matter what! I really dont grasp it entirely, must be some kind of Stockholm Syndrome... .

[Rubies]

The dynamics are held together by Stockholm Syndrome, emotional blackmail, or by a vacume held together by the suck.  Their rut is so well worn they can't grasp the choice of walking away and staying away.   Your mom has never known any other way of being with her sister.  This was probably drill into her since early childhood.  Her answers to you are surely the ones she got from her parents about her sister.

[Louise7777]

Thank you so much again, Rubies. Yep, my grandma was uBPD and my aunt was her golden child. My grandfather´s mom was uBPD (although she wasnt alive when I was born, the stories tell me BPD all over) and I guess he married someone similar. He lefy his parents home at age 10 and amazingly to me, married an uBPD woman, even having so little time with his own mom... .I think I understimate the effects they can have on people.

Also, spot on regarding my mom and her sister´s r/s: I guess thats whats familiar for my mom since her teenage years.

To sum it up, I see uBPDs in 4 generations.