I feel sad and hopeless.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

How does one deal with this?

I have this feeling like what if I'd found out about the BPD when we were together.  I feel like she was trying to tell me about it when she would open up.  I feel like I let her down because I couldn't understand and didn't figure it out until it was too late. I feel sad because I get angry about her and say things I don't think I really mean.

I feel sad because maybe I could have helped her,  and now she's gone and I can never help. And she's all alone and I broke my promises to her that I'd never leave her alone in this world.  I just want to wrap her in my arms and tell her it's ok.

I feel sad because I know this isn't rational thought.

[Infern0]

How does one deal with this?

I have this feeling like what if I'd found out about the BPD when we were together.  I feel like she was trying to tell me about it when she would open up.  I feel like I let her down because I couldn't understand and didn't figure it out until it was too late. I feel sad because I get angry about her and say things I don't think I really mean.

I feel sad because maybe I could have helped her,  and now she's gone and I can never help. And she's all alone and I broke my promises to her that I'd never leave her alone in this world.  I just want to wrap her in my arms and tell her it's ok.

I feel sad because I know this isn't rational thought.

[Cocoon]

I hear what you're saying, and can relate to it, big time! I'm sorry you're hurting right now. Does this board help in understanding BPD better (and nons)? It helps me.

I struggle with feelings of loss, love, confusion, self reflection, and looking around at the life I created before our BPD relationship.  I have plenty of work to do on my own, just to get to a position of comfort.

On bpdfamily.com, I read someone state, 'it's hard to evaluate your needs when you're living in a war zone.'

I'm trying to convince myself that being sad and lonely and healing, is better than the BPD relationship. My head knows it's a better choice, although my heart misses our closeness.

I'll cry a little today (as I have every day, since I ended it 10+ days ago), and try really hard to maintain NC. This feels better than the chaos.

Thank you for being honest and sharing.

[Englishman]

I feel for you. After 10 years of arguing and fighting... .my gf with BPD has run off to live with a drug dealer. This is the most conservative girl you would ever meet. She says that I "hurt her" to much and she can't forget it. Same thing... .I didn't know how sensitive she was and now it's to late. I was a little hard on her I admit. But she could give as good as she could get. Then... .the next day would be fine... .well... .she didn't forget words that were said! Now, she's absolutely madly in love with this awful guy and there's nothing I can do. She even said the other day that she wants to marry him... .and she's known him 3 months. Say she's happier than ever and I should also find happiness!

Just madness and it's so, so sad.

[freedom33]

Hey I can relate to this inferno. I gave her promises too, that I will always be next to her. And what's even more torturing with my situation is that I left her.

Just this morning I was thinking along the same lines. What if it was me and could do something different, better... .What if I was able to not feel jealous when she 'd flirt with others or tell me about crazy sex stories from her past. What if I could just be patient and not upset when she 'd purposefuly hurt me in passive and actively agressive ways. What if I was less sensitive in that instance or the other. What if... .I can relate to that. For me it's a deep seated compulsion to perfectionism and fixing things. And boy the BPD does know how to find weaknesses and bring up shame. I really hope that I reach a point in my life that I accept myself with all its flaws and let myself be. And whoever wants to hang around and offer me something nice they are welcomed - I will meet them half way. The rest are not my problem. Take care buddy.

 

[Loveofhislife]

I'm sorry for the sadness. I just stay in a perpetual What the heck state that feels like whiplash to the brain. I keep hashing and re-hashing in my brain--sort of like when your computer just keeps trying to open a file. My brain is probably saying DISK IS FULL while my heart is feeling so hurt and empty. My T says a part of this conflict between incompatible programs is between the adult and the child within me. He got to the child; in essence, he is a child predator. The child feels hurt and missing her favorite playmate so much, and he just abandoned her out of the blue. The adult is angry at him but mostly at herself, because she allowed it. Either way, I too awoke very sad and empty this morning. Remember my waif and your pwBPDgf's all hooked us with their NEED; we must remember how that was used against us and what torment it has brought upon us. We must learn to care and love us the way we have loved them.

[PhoenixBlack]

How does one deal with this?

I have this feeling like what if I'd found out about the BPD when we were together.  I feel like she was trying to tell me about it when she would open up.  I feel like I let her down because I couldn't understand and didn't figure it out until it was too late. I feel sad because I get angry about her and say things I don't think I really mean.

I feel sad because maybe I could have helped her,  and now she's gone and I can never help. And she's all alone and I broke my promises to her that I'd never leave her alone in this world.  I just want to wrap her in my arms and tell her it's ok.

I feel sad because I know this isn't rational thought.

How does one deal with this? By realising that there's a very good chance that you can't help her. There are too many variables - she might not have been ready to be helped, or been in denial that there's something wrong. I've read on these boards that it takes years of therapy to help someone with BPD. I was in exactly the same boat as you. I didn't know my uexgf had BPD while I was with her and I mistakenly thought "what if I do this? Or what if I do that? Maybe things will get better? But it never does. It doesn't matter how much you love them or what you do for them. They just keep on taking until you lose yourself and who you are. And when that happens, she will still leave and not give a second thought about everything you have done for her. None of it matters any more. I know it's hard to wrap our heads around that notion and it hurts like hell - I'm still struggling with it myself. Don't keep torturing yourself with the 'what ifs'.

Yes, they are alone and hurting too in so many ways, but their hurt is turned inwards and it's only about them. Their needs. Not yours. The BPD is a survivor. They were survivors before they came into our lives and they will be when they leave. Stay strong and think about helping yourself first.

[RisingSun]

I'm sorry you're in the thick of it. I move in and out of the same state of hopelessness and sadness you're experiencing now.

I too sometimes wonder, if I would have only known about BPD I could have acted differently and possibly saved our marriage. But then I look back at the times

I did change myself to suit her needs. And you know what? The changes I made were rarely good enough. If I did succeed in satisfying her need/s, she would

just come up with something new. It was a never ending dilemma. Because even if I did give her what she said she wanted, it was either forgotten or not good

enough.

There's an insatiable hole that BPD's need filled by someone else. We nor anyone else can fill that need for any substantial length of time. They

will always need more and more. And, the longer you stay with them the more they ask/demand. You could never be enough or give them enough.

It's not about you. It's about their emptiness and their inability to find happiness within themselves.

Until they realize and acknowledge this, there's no hope for a healthy relationship with them.

There's nothing you could have done to help them see their inherent inner lack. They're faced with it every moment and choose to project this lack onto you.

That's how they survive from day to day. If you were to point out this lack they would just project it back onto you and you'll end up being the bad guy/girl.

They have to acknowledge and choose to do the work on their own. We can play no part in fixing them. We'll only get sucked into there internal turmoil.

The best you can do for her now is never contact her again. They need to be left on their own and maybe they'll hit rock bottom and chose to do the

inner work which keeps them from being able to function in a healthy relationship with a healthy partner.

[myself]

I found out about BPD while still with my (now ex) gf.

It helped me deal with it better, but she resisted/ran away.

Read the Staying and Undecided boards. Not many real success stories there.

[BorisAcusio]

I found out about BPD while still with my (now ex) gf.

It helped me deal with it better, but she resisted/ran away.

Read the Staying and Undecided boards. Not many real success stories there.

I'm yet to see one.

[Recooperating]

How does one deal with this?

I have this feeling like what if I'd found out about the BPD when we were together.  I feel like she was trying to tell me about it when she would open up.  I feel like I let her down because I couldn't understand and didn't figure it out until it was too late. I feel sad because I get angry about her and say things I don't think I really mean.

I feel sad because maybe I could have helped her,  and now she's gone and I can never help. And she's all alone and I broke my promises to her that I'd never leave her alone in this world.  I just want to wrap her in my arms and tell her it's ok.

I feel sad because I know this isn't rational thought.

Im so sorry your hurt... .And I can so relate to what you feel. There is a difference though... .I knew. He got diagnosed early may after a hell year of verbal abuse, break ups, cheating, manipulation and accusations... .I made him see a P. otherwise I would have left.

He went because I wanted him to, not because he wanted to. When he got the diagnosis I stocked up on books, dove in to the matter, signed up for a "how to deal with a BPD loved one" course. I changed my way of communicating, set boundaries and it only got worse and worse and worse... .He didnt read up on anything, didnt do the exersizes his P. gave him. Dealing with BPD became my sole responsibility and he found himself an excuses for every temper tantrum... ."its not me, I was only BP-ing".

The boundaries I had set were not respected, he pushed and pushed and pushed my buttons untill I was soo cornered I felt helpless, powerless, angry and snapped back... .

He wasnt proactive in dealing with his illness, it was all on me... .He told me lies about his P. being inapropriate with him so he could bail therapy with my permission. I spoke to his T. none of it was true... .I had set firm boundaries with him that telling lies, cheating and breaking up with me would no longer be tolerated. If I were to find out, I would leave. He agreed back then, so all I could do was stick to the agreement when the same night he told me the lie about his T. he broke up with me in a temper tantrum and was verbally abusive to me a couple of days later again.

I left him in august, 3-4 months after diagnosis. And I feel so f-ing guilty! Ofcourse he immediately quit T. since he told me he wasnt the crazy one... .I was.

Im now split up for a month NC 3 weeks (with 1 minor hick up... .Episode)

I know the "if only I had done... ." I should have stayed and helped him. I was selfish leaving him... .I should have helped him more!' But I was already very unhealthy from all the BS and a walking zombi, unable to work, on sick leave, seeing a T... .I couldnt help him anymore... .My mom is also termanily ill and I need the strenght I have left to care for her in her last days/weeks.

We cant "fix" out BPD's without destroying or sacrificing ourselfs. Recovery takes years and they really have to want it and fully acknowledge they have a problem. You couldnt have saved her... .They can only save themselves. Just like we have to do for ourselfs too.

But yes! Its does really really suck!

Hope you feel better! 

[Hopeless777]

I'll only add a bit to this discussion. I learned about BPD in November. I left her on Memorial Day. I tried all the techniques. Nothing worked. She always upped the ante. The final straw was when she threatened to call the police and say i assaulted her. That was it for me. There was simply nothing more to do than go to jail on a trumped up charge. At some point enough is enough. BPD is as gruel as the grave.

[Tibbles]

I wondered the same thing myself. If I'd found out about BPD 10 years ago when I was still relatively strong, could I have done things differently - maybe- would it have changed the outcome - I like to think so, in a perfect world, but in reality - who knows. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and can open up a whole heap of what if's, which do not help us or our ex's.

We didn't know and did the best we could under the hardest of circumstances. We did not let them down, we did our best, that's what we would tell some-one else, it goes for us too. I know what its like to feel sad, about lots of things, those feelings will pass, they will come back again too! Hang in there, healing takes time. Sending lots of love and hugs your way x x

[Ihope2]

What helps me move forward after my almost a year of being married to a man with BPD, and all the chaos, confusion, pain, turmoil, splitting me black, etc is the realisation that:  We were not put on this earth to be shackled to another and live in servitude and responsibility towards them.  We are all ultimately, as adults, responsible for ourselves and our own spiritual journey.

I cannot walk my exBPDh's path on his behalf.  I do not expect anyone to walk my path for me.  If we find someone with whom to walk alongside for  a while, in peace, goodwill and love, then that is wonderful.  But not to be shackled to someone else and be dragged along painfully and devoid of any compassion and empathy and joy.  My exBPDh will have to continue his sad and angry and pain-filled journey to its conclusion.  Perhaps he will find others to drag along with him for a while, but sadly, he will never know true companionship, warmth and love of another.  He is like the hostage-taker, who forces his victim along at gunpoint, until they break free and escape his chains and he is all alone again.

[Infared]

"The BPD is a survivor. They were survivors before they came into our lives and they will be when they leave. Stay strong and think about helping yourself first."

Instead of using the word survivor I think the word parasite might be more appropriate. My experience is that they just move from one host to another.

We are the ones that have to work really hard to become survivors.

After they have attached to the new host the only thing we can do is help ourselves to recover.

It is a very tough and unexpected place to be once we realize that the rug has been pulled out.  I had to seek out all the resources that I could to just survive emotionally, as I felt like my soul had been sucked right out of me. She never missed a beat, after 5 years, it wasn't even a bump in the road... .just off to the new host... la... .la... .

I would wish these situations upon no one.  

[Loveofhislife]

Infrared and others: thank you so much for what I know was a painful and sincere post. Perhaps more than anything, this thread shook me into the reality of what I have been through, what I am going through; and most importantly moved me toward acceptance of who exbfBPD is and the fact that I must accept he is out of my life forever. That forever part was really hard for my inner child as she has experienced the death of two parents with dementia, the unsuccessful suicide of a son, and the divorce of a 25 year marriage: all in less than a decade. The exbfBPD who seemed to bring so much love and laughter into my life during idealization became the wrecking ball introduced to the housing of my heart at such a vulnerable time. He blew some major holes into that housing and he rocked the foundation, but somehow I'm still here. And for awhile, I don't think I was. He definitely is a parasite--an insidious one who was slowly but steadily eating away at support beams that held me up, knowing he would eventually bring in the wrecking ball. I'm ready to start remodeling and rebuilding. Thank you for helping all of us, as we struggle together on this board, I trust we all will become more resilient and strong after facing down the pwBPD wrecking crews.

[Infared]

Great post Lovofhislife... .I identify with every word.

[Ihope2]

Loveofhislife, this is an excellent way of describing the dynamic of a pwBPD:  "... .slowly but steadily eating away at support beams that held me up, knowing he would eventually bring in the wrecking ball."

They cannot love, and receive love, and relate to those closest to them without bringing in this absolutely punishing dynamic.  It is like nobody else knows how much they suffer, so therefore they must give others a taste of suffering.

I also felt my life as I knew it, and my own strength and resilience being eroded away by my exBPDh, day by day, hour by hour. He drained me of everything:  my joy, my energy, my optimism, my hope, my state of health both physical and mental, my finances, my material possessions (things went missing, notably a simple gold ring with a small diamond that my late father had given me 24 years ago for my 21st birthday, and which had enormous sentimental value for me).  He just took and took and expropriated and drained me down to my very last drop of everything.  I think I was on the brink of a nervous collapse, and my bank balance would not have lasted many more months, and my situation at work would have become very tenuous in terms of keeping my job. 

Wrecking ball - a very apt description!  Destruction and demolishing is all a pwBPD feels inclined to do.

[freedom33]

Ihope2 some really insightful points there. This absolutely punishing dynamic was what I experienced too. It must have something to do with how they relate love in their minds. Probably from their failed attachement with their primary caregiver that was punishing them. You are spot on that nobody else knows how much they suffer, so therefore they must give others a taste of suffering. In fact my ex literally told me this at the start of our adventure. She said borderlines sometimes do what they do to make you feel how they feel. We can all agree that it feels terrible. On things going missing have a look at my latest post on 'calculated manipulation'. It was crazy... .

Finally my situation at work did actually become tenuous and I had to resign to leave at least with some dignity from my place of employement for seven years where I was regarded as the rising star in the company. Unfortunately she used to work there too. I had to escape. Once I resigned she resigned one week later.  I have been destroyed completely. The whole edifice has collapsed and start to rebuild from scratch. Well this project i.e. ourselves and our own lives is the only one that we have and should focus on. I think that this experience can turn into be a blessing in disguise.