Introducing myself & asking a few questions to fellow parents - TY

[donnab]

Hi I have a daughter who has just been diagnosed with BPD, it's been a very bumpy ride, with lots of arguments. I thought about 2 years ago she had BPD but it has been a struggle to get her to seek help. We currently have custody of our 1 yo gd, but it looks like she will be returned to my daughter very soon as they have been accepted to a mother & baby unit where she will get 20 hours of support and she has started taking meds and has been referred to the stepps programme (we are in the uk, the therapy is in a group setting 3 full days a week for a year and then 1 day a week for the following year)

Some time ago we said she could no longer live with us as we couldn't cope, then about 5 months ago after another morning of bullying, antagonising and then outright raging for about 2 hours I have said she can no longer stay overnight at ours. She is clearly a lower functioning BPD and is currently about to become homeless.

How do other parents cope with all of this? I feel I can't have her here as I can't cope with the emotional roller coaster, even when things don't kick off I feel on edge and anxious that things are going to go wrong at any point. She steals from us and is the most untidy person on earth, is so chaotic so every day when she is here the place becomes a bomb site. But then the emotional conflict I feel that I am not doing enough and how awful this situation must be for her and what she must be going through is sometimes too much to bear (weird expression because no matter how bad it feels "not bearing it" isn't an option is it?)

I have been doing a lot of reading and it is so hard to take/hear it is generally accepted the reasons for BPD developing is because of abuse issues in childhood.

Also am confused about what boundaries are, what that means physically and how to put them in place. For a long time I have said I won't give her any money. But right now she has a debt with the LA housing of £211 and on Wednesday she will become homeless if this debt is not paid then they will not put her in emergency housing so it looks like I will pay this on Tuesday as I can't see her on the streets and she has to wait until a vacancy becomes available at the mother & baby unit.

When she is upset she can call me far too much, when I don't answer I then get unpleasant text messages. This then makes me angry and we often then have telephone conversations where she is raging at me and she says the most hurtful things, pushes all my buttons and then the conversations just become very acrimonious.

I want to help her, not make things worse but sometimes I just don't want to have her in my life and I feel so bad emotionally because of it all.

Thanks for reading my message and hopefully someone who is a bit better at dealing with this than me can offer some advice

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[HealingSpirit]

Oh Donnab,

I am so sorry to hear about your struggles with your daughter (DD). I know how hurt and exhausted you feel after dealing with her rages, tantrums, stealing, lying, boundary-pushing, and all the other BPD behavior we parents get to accept and deal with.  My DD is 17 and still living at home until she is 18, the age of majority in California, USA, where we live.

I have been doing a lot of reading and it is so hard to take/hear it is generally accepted the reasons for BPD developing is because of abuse issues in childhood.

I hear you about this as well. But there are soo many other reasons BPD occurs without actual abuse. My dear husband(DH) and I did not abuse our DD17. We made a lot of mistakes normal parents make with their kids, occasionally yelling or punishing her in a way that wasn't effective.  DD was traumatized by things that would not traumatize someone less sensitive.

I'm glad you found us here! There is a message board just for us parents and we support each other without judgment because we all know this. Even if abuse did happen to your DD, we ALL do the best we can at any given moment with the skills, knowledge, awareness, and resources we have at that moment.

Also am confused about what boundaries are, what that means physically and how to put them in place. For a long time I have said I won't give her any money. But right now she has a debt with the LA housing of £211 and on Wednesday she will become homeless if this debt is not paid then they will not put her in emergency housing so it looks like I will pay this on Tuesday as I can't see her on the streets and she has to wait until a vacancy becomes available at the mother & baby unit.

I understand your struggle with this as well. This is soo hard! But your DD is ill, and you must decide what you will and won't do in each situation that she presents. I think most of us parents would pay the debt so she has a place to live with the hope for helping herself. She can't do that on the streets. And you already know you can't have her in your home.  So paying the debt sounds like the best solution in this instance.

Oops! I'm out of time. I'll share more info with you later.

Hang in there! 

[js friend]

HI Donnab,

My dd left home at 17yo but I remember like it was yesterday all those feelings you talk about  when she lived here... .She now has 2 children and has her own place which is a relief as i really dont know how i would have coped between then and now if she hadnt had left home.

My  immediate thoughts on the debt is that i would pay it  to keep her off the streets.The bigger picture is that in the  long run you want to see her with a roof over her head especially if she is having her baby back... .so i would pay for now, but tell her that you are "loaning" her the money and you would like it paid back out of her benefits if she is receipt of them. I think his is better way to show them how to be an independent adult which includes paying  your billst han just to bail them out everytime.See if she goes for it... .She may agree to it ... .My dd is very wasteful with money,(loves, loves, loves online shopping)but somehow she is generally very good at  paying her bills on time.

A point you made that your dd may get child back... .Do you have full custody of your gc now? Is she gettingher back to try this mother and baby thing, and will you have any input? You must be really worried about the chance your dd getting your gc back  if she is having all out rages like that.

Also its is best to have some boundries with your dd. It is not acceptable for her to abuse you in this way. Boundaries are there to protect us. if your dd starts to become abusive during a phonecall tell her that you will have to hang up if she continues. Same if she becomes abusive in your home. tell her she will have to leave if she continues... .and see it through every time. At first my dd rebelled against my boundaries but she knows what behaviour is expected when she calls me or visits my home now.

All the best to you Donnab.

[donnab]

Hi js friend thank you for taking the time to reply to me. My dd left my gd here one night with a note saying Social Services were coming to take gd the following day. SS became involved as a number of people raised concerns and when they visited her the flat was a hazard for a crawling baby, the baby was awake and crawling around while she was asleep, when the SW challenged my dd on this it triggered a rage and they were concerned that my gd didn't even bat an eyelid.

I had been raising concerns with SS for 6 months, because my dd was very unstable, my gd was being neglected, shouted at and witnessing my dd's distress on a daily basis. My gd was a very cautious baby, but over the last 3 months has come out of her shell. I was treated quite badly, accused of maliciously lying to gain custody of my gd. At some point along the years I believe the assumption was made that the reason for my dd's problems were because I was being abusive.

There is a meeting today to discuss whether she can go back to dd now she has been accepted to the mother & baby unit. I have very mixed feelings about this, as while I want them to be reunited I also have serious concerns about what this will mean for my gd and what she will have to go through. It's a no win situation isn't it? The reality is my gd will have a difficult life whether she is with her mother or with us.

I have been doing a lot of research about BPD & communication and it has helped (I think? It's VERY early days). Getting her to leave our house if she becomes abusive is very tricky, once she really loses control the only thing I have been able to do in the past is call the police but my oh does not want the police coming to our home any more. Since gd has been here my dd has been making an effort to stay calm in our house most when she is distressed she will call and that's when things become out of hand.

Reading about BPD has been helpful but in some ways it just has added a new level of guilt, I have let her down, made her move out when I couldn't cope. I feel angry that we were let down by children's services, I went to them asking for help when her behaviour became out of control at 12/13 and was told she was just a rebellious teenager, she would grown out of it, given parenting advice, at some point I felt the support of the SW's changed, assumed I was the reason for her problems, they stopped returning my calls and we were just left to deal with it all

[qcarolr]

Hi donnab  

Ah, it is so much more complex when our grandkids are involved. Protecting them can change our choices and effect our needed self-protective boundaries. I hope the meeting today kept the best interest of your gd as the priority. Can they make visits with you, as a carer over the past year, mandatory? Your relationship is very valuable for your gd. Some states in the USA have rules that allow this by court order. It is often hard to get approved. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

I understand your concerns about your gd. My dh and I have been raising our gd, now 9, since she was a baby. My DD went off much of the time with her friends when the daddy ended up in jail for a year. He left a couple months after his release. He convinced DD to allow our custody request before he hitchhiked away to another state. We are so grateful for this care he showed to his little girl.

DD ended up homeless when gd was 4. We would not let her return to our house after a very aggressive raging episode at our home followed later by a fight with her bf.  I did not know what else to do. Dh and I believed doing otherwise would be 'enabling' her. We also thought she would get into the transition programs for homeless in our area to get off the street. Instead she bonded with the homeless community.

As I have learned more and more from the resources here things have gotten better between DD, dh and me - how to build a better relationship with my DD (validation); how to figure out my values and how to protect them (boundaries); how to take care of my needs to regain sanity (Radical Acceptance of reality, Mindfulness practice, building support network of family, friends, therapists, support groups, mentor). It has taken some time and I get burned out when I don't pay attention to the self-care piece. I have more hope. I can ask for help instead of thinking I can do this all by myself.

Sometimes it is OK to help DD out. We have to figure out what works for us, what she really needs help with, and what she can do on her own. We make mistakes -- we are learning how to make repairs.

I would suggest the book by Valerie Porr, "Overcoming BPD... ." as a good place to start. If you click the Foundation Reading link on the sidebar to the right it lists reviews of this book as well as some really good videos on strategies that help make things better for a lot of parents.

The focus on abuse in childhood with dx of BPD is very outdated. Porr's book will help explain the complexity of the basis of this disorder. She includes the most recent research studies and the neuroscience that underlies the psychology and behavior approaches. My best general statement about this is that some kids are more resilient than others. This is a temperament each child is born with. Then life happens - often there is no abuse or neglect. Just a different way of processing their experiences, thoughts and feelings.

The parents that come to this board and persevere through the initial resistance to Thinking/Feeling/Doing things in a new way can learn to make their lives better and build a better r/s with the pwBPD in their life. As sincerely caring, loving parents we have a very deep connection to our child. Even when we can no longer live in the same space, the connection is not easy to sever.

I encourage you to keep coming to share your story, ask questions, listen to others experiences... .We care. We understand.

qcr