Final Split

[screwedfriend]

The emotional roller coaster was rolling on. I was seeing her, being her gofer and chauffer and getting the ususal promises, hugs and kisses and then the cold shoulder when I tried to make time. I told her straight up that I was tired of being treated like crap and she reacted with the usual astonishment and hurt as if she wasn't doing it at all. I layed down a set of conditions if she did not make time for us and show me she cared then I was walking. Of course she said she was taking it all in with no committment. I think she knew I was fixing to leave and break her chains. So what does she do? I go over late one evening and she meets me at the door (she never does that ). I knew she had someone in the bedroom. I even told her. Oh how could you even think such a thing. The next night after being with her all day, I talked to her late but when she did not answer my last phone call I just had to go over there. I had to know. I knocked on the door and she came out half dressed to the door. I asked to be let in. I was angry because I knew I was being lied to, so I opened the screen door and just stepped in and asked her who she had in there. Oh just my friend she says, and whoever they are is in the bedroom so games up. I told her F her and her friend and left. Then she threatened to call the law on me and I threatened her with the same. The next day a slew of hateful texts and argument. I unfriended her on FB and we are no contact and she is moving on. I don't call her. But she is still on my mind and in my heart and I really dont know if she won't always be. Someone could treat you with absolute comtempt and contradictory behavior and you still want the best for them. When you confront them like this what does it do them? She has lied to her friends and tried her best to villify and slander me and make it all look like my fault and that i did  something horrible to her. I think she told them I threatened to turn her in to social services for some of her transgressions I know of,to extort sex from her. Outrageous!  I gave this girl everythng I could and did everything to make her happy and never would ever hurt her or abuse her. I just fell in love with her at the first kiss and wanted her and told her so and that was my mistake. The challenge was over and the abuse began. I guess that is what they do to cover their shame. On her FB page she is a christian saint and worlds greatest mother. She is a decent mother I guess but the saint part is an oxymoron. What is with the need to maintain such a false image to everyone? She knows the horrible things she does but doesn't want to own up to them. I am lucky that now she has no more need for me and is throwing me away like an old rag because I have threatend the facade she tries to maintain. But little does she realize that facade is thin and most people already know her true colors. Who is she trying to fool, herself? When you have figured them out they leave I guess. They know they cant play you and be in control anymore and then they just try to smear you and destroy you emotionally and any other way they can. I was really astonished how she refered to me in some of this slander to a friend on FB as that guy in the black car. Already forgetting my name and Ive known her for over 20 years and been seeing her now for over 3 months. She would call me by name or something affectionate like baby. But that's another thing, how she would address me would change each day or time I saw her. Now I am just that horrible MF in the black car.  I am on the dark side now. NC.  You gave her your time, attention and did everything you possibly could and you get turned on betrayed and ignored out of existence as if you never did a single thing good. I am sorry but there is something totally evil about them. I told her that for kindness I was repayed only by betrayal and hate. She twisted it around that all I wanted to do was get in her pants. They dont trust your intentions even when they are totally honorable. I just wanted to love her but each time I got close she pushed me away. She wants the sex but I think she hates anyone who wants to actually make love to her and not just have sex. That intimacy frightens her and that is what I was seeking but will never have with her. They say they love you and then sleep with other people and ignore you. She only loved me and wanted to be with me when I was serving her needs . It was all about her always and when I began bucking and expressing my feelings and my needs, she cheated, got caught, and then proceeded to make me out a villian and cut me out of her life. I dont think she is sorry she did it, she is just sorry she got caught and that i threatened to expose her to the authorities. Which I really only did to get her to leave me alone and not try any overt retaliation. I know I cannot figure it all out and am accepting it is over but I am trying to figure some of the behaviors and get to why they black you out totally when caught and confronted. They will never admit they did anything wrong and must maintain this perfect image in body mind and soul when they are all broken and the know  it. The projection I guess, make the victim look like the perpetrator. Flip a switch on them and make them suffer, knowing that they love you or maybe they dont know or cannot trust that is true. It was true for me but not for her I think. The words and what itimacy we had meant nothing to her I guess?  Oh the insanity of it all!

[Rifka]

Wow I am so sorry that you had to experience such deception.

Dealing with BPD is hard, cold and abusive!

I know that you are hurting so much right now and your mind is racing everywhere.

I'm sure you loved with all of your heart and gave until you had nothing left to give. We all did!

They just can't process it or deal with it. Once we start retaliating a little, they search for the next victim to suck the life out of, yes it's brutally cruel to us, they don't feel this, they just need to find something new to feed off of!

So now that you have all of this straight up in your face, what's your next move?

Do you feel that was enough reality to move you forward in the healing process?

I know that my ex betrayed my respect by doing something that he knew I would leave if he did it again. He did it and I kept my promise and completely mentally, emotionally and physically checked out of the R/s with him!

At that exact moment it became about me and only me. He lost the power I let him hold over me.

Again my heart felt like it would burst, my tears fell endlessly, I could not eat or sleep or concentrate on my work. I was a complete mess, but refused to share any of my pain with him. It was my pain, not his.

I really hit the damn wall hard, he was warned that that would happen and I needed to stick to my guns to get my own self respect in check. I was allowing him to cross way too many boundaries that I seemed to forget that I had!

If I forgave him at this point, I would have gave him permission to completely kill me ( not literally). I knew I would have just lined myself up for any abuse and disrespect he felt to deliver.

I couldn't let that happen any longer.

I came out fighting like a warrior to him, everything he said at that point was no! I didn't even listen to what he was saying because my head said no more and my voice just said no through all the tears that poured through my face and all the ripping that my heart was feeling! Just no, no, no!

I took my power back!

Its 25 days since he showed up at my house and begged on his knees that I take him back and fix this mess with him, today is 19 days since the last text and his last attempt to suck me back into that abusive r/s and 1 month and 6 days today since I told him that he can not come back into my home!

So what's your next move on this  chess board of BPD?

[screwedfriend]

Honestly i am in shock and mourning now for the second time in 3 months. We have had the rage full on knock down drag out arguement and it is finished. i havent spoken to her in 2 days at least by text or any other method. She is spreading the vicious lies as I said, at least on FB and I am sure elsewhere. It makes me so mad that she posts all these christian and suzy homemaker things on FB when it is a total facade. She says her favorite quote is walking contradiction and I dont think she even knows that it means someone who presents themselves as something and behaves as something entirely different.

I am going to a therapy session in a week and can ask for more intensive therapy if possible. It hadn't helped so much because I reconnected with her and the rollercoaster tore me apart again. Each time more vicious than the last. I have been to a friends house and hung out and we talked on FB about it. They know of her and her ways.  I hate to say it but they said I should have suspected she was shady and I should have. She had me thinking she was getting better but I have to believe that was just a part of her con and the facade to cover up more business as usual for her.

Trying to get her out of my head, get back to work, Join the Y and I am going to give it a month or two and I am going to start dating. I don't think she will contact me ever again it least not for quite some time if ever. She is bored with me and already seeking new victims. Heck that was something I hated, her sometimes always texting on that darn cell phone when we were together. Lining up victims even when with me I am sure. Maybe this ordeal is over but she still permeates my mind and I am admittedly having a hard time not obsessing over her but realistically she has won , declared war and cut me out this time.

It is a hard stage for me now. I just hope she doesnt ruin my confidence with any potential future partners. I am just not that strong right now but I know I will not be speaking to her and the time will tell.

[Rifka]

I know it's hard to believe that whatever might be said by her actually makes her look bad, not you!

Most of your last note was about your ex and what she might do or say!

Honestly screwed, who cares what she says, you need to stop caring because who knows you better than yourself?

Anybody can say anything about anybody! Your friends and family and anybody who has dealt with you will know the truth by your actions that you have shown in the past. Words are words, words are not cut in stone truth!

I'm sure my ex has said so many horrible things about me, he has to, or people will think he did the wrong doing.

I don't care what he says and to who because it is not my business, I know it is not the truth and honestly I don't give a crap anymore about his bs lies. I really had enough!

Now the song " enough is enough" just came to my head! Sorry I got side tracked for a moment. I love that song!

Why do you feel what she has to say is important!

Why do you care?

If she said you were great would that make you want to be tortured some more?

I know the control they have on us is like a magnetic pull mixed with being hypnotized!

The thing is that we have the power to stop it when we are ready.

It is not possible to hypnotize somebody who refuses to allow it. I know, I actually tested it myself and while many were, I just convinced myself I would not allow it and watched as people were made to do things that they mentally consented to. It was funny at the time, but I relate to it here and maybe it isn't so funny anymore.

I'm sorry for the intense pain that you feel, maybe you can call your t for an emergency session or to move it closer since this happened and a week is along time to wait.

Vent here a lot and keep getting it off of your chest.

You did nothing wrong!

You were just completely disrespected in the hardest ways!

[screwedfriend]

I often think of the Eric Clapton song. the lyrics go like this


I dont care if you ever come home. I dont care if you just... .keep on a rolliing away on a distant sea cause i dont love you and you dont love me.

I got a woman can you relate

I got a woman callin love hate

[screwedfriend]

It is called promises how appropriate. I got the lyrics a little wrong though.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IuZkUftTwKo

lyrics

www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/ericclapton/promises108889.html