Will Counseling help negociations and calm stbx-uBPbf down?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi,

I'm suffering a great deal at the moment and trying to find a way out to this nightmare.

I have a D aged 10 and baby aged 7months (BP's son) and trying to break up *peacefully*.

As many here, I loved my stbx to bits, and did everything I could to encourage him to seek treatment. He initiated it in June (but nothing since July) but at the same time became more and more unstable.

He's totally paranoid (and this is in fact what caused our separation) and decided to see a L without even telling me. I found out and told me I felt utterly betrayed, and that was the start of a long fall. He then had a real paranoia crisis where he phoned the police etc, all about freaking out about me "disapearing with baby".

He sheltered (he's the victim of course) at his parents, showed his despair to them so much that they wouldn't talk to me anymore. He also chose not to spend the summer holidays with the kids and I and for a week or two, he refused to talk to me or see me without a member of his family around (to see baby). He talked about separation all along (and his family interfered to tell me "it was all over and that I should get over it".

Anyhow, when we found ourselves again together at home after the holidays, he tried to behave as if nothing had happened, and told me he loved me etc. I told him I was hurt, that I didn't know what my feelings were, that my trust was gone. He refused to talk nor "start over on good grounds (trust etc)". So I told him it was over, that he needed to get his own apartment, that we both needed to calm down, that it was the most sensible solution.

That's when he started freaking me out. Nothing I could say would seem to satisfy him. I cannot afford the rent, as I stopped working to look after baby, and although I'm trying to find ways to help, I'm not a magician. He has a good salary and little to no expenses as he's staying at his parents. He says he agrees that we should separate ("He has enough of these endless discussions" but :

- moving out for him is unfair ("why should I stay in a lousy apartment on my own while you enjoy the house with the kids ?"

- I said maybe I'll be able to pay for the house if I get back to work soon, he said "I'm on the lease too so no way".

- I said I'd move so he'll leave me alone, but he refuses to "stay alone in our house".

- I said I'd get another appartment but it will never be soon enough and he threatens to give the notice to the landlord.

He also threatened to "ask for full custody of baby since I couldn't afford to raise him financially".

Also, he never records the horrible things he says to me, but when I want to answer he takes his phone and says "Leave me alone, you're harassing me again, I'm tired, I want to sleep, it's late... ."

I've no idea what he's planning to do and he freaks me out.

I've been advised by a therapist to try counselling. I proposed that to him, he seems to love the idea. No idea WHAT he expects or hopes from it. I just hope that maybe he will fell less persecuted if it's someone else who comes to the idea that we MUST separate and that a decent x/father does not leave his ex and son in the s***.

What do you think? Is that a good idea?

All I'm trying to do do really is calm him down, be able to communicate in a constructive way.

Also, he's been threatening to ask for F.C but he's never taken care of baby for more than a couple of hours, and I know he doesn't have the patience to take care of a young child an entire week-end. I mean, he's only "protecting himself" as he's scared to death that I'm going to run away, but I don't believe he WANTS to take care of his son at the week-end.

At the same time, he keeps mentioning job offers in our native region (4-5 hours by train), and saying that "I could join whenever I want (when school ends for my D)" WTH?

[Indyan]

Hi,

I'm suffering a great deal at the moment and trying to find a way out to this nightmare.

I have a D aged 10 and baby aged 7months (BP's son) and trying to break up *peacefully*.

As many here, I loved my stbx to bits, and did everything I could to encourage him to seek treatment. He initiated it in June (but nothing since July) but at the same time became more and more unstable.

He's totally paranoid (and this is in fact what caused our separation) and decided to see a L without even telling me. I found out and told me I felt utterly betrayed, and that was the start of a long fall. He then had a real paranoia crisis where he phoned the police etc, all about freaking out about me "disapearing with baby".

He sheltered (he's the victim of course) at his parents, showed his despair to them so much that they wouldn't talk to me anymore. He also chose not to spend the summer holidays with the kids and I and for a week or two, he refused to talk to me or see me without a member of his family around (to see baby). He talked about separation all along (and his family interfered to tell me "it was all over and that I should get over it".

Anyhow, when we found ourselves again together at home after the holidays, he tried to behave as if nothing had happened, and told me he loved me etc. I told him I was hurt, that I didn't know what my feelings were, that my trust was gone. He refused to talk nor "start over on good grounds (trust etc)". So I told him it was over, that he needed to get his own apartment, that we both needed to calm down, that it was the most sensible solution.

That's when he started freaking me out. Nothing I could say would seem to satisfy him. I cannot afford the rent, as I stopped working to look after baby, and although I'm trying to find ways to help, I'm not a magician. He has a good salary and little to no expenses as he's staying at his parents. He says he agrees that we should separate ("He has enough of these endless discussions" but :

- moving out for him is unfair ("why should I stay in a lousy apartment on my own while you enjoy the house with the kids ?"

- I said maybe I'll be able to pay for the house if I get back to work soon, he said "I'm on the lease too so no way".

- I said I'd move so he'll leave me alone, but he refuses to "stay alone in our house".

- I said I'd get another appartment but it will never be soon enough and he threatens to give the notice to the landlord.

He also threatened to "ask for full custody of baby since I couldn't afford to raise him financially".

Also, he never records the horrible things he says to me, but when I want to answer he takes his phone and says "Leave me alone, you're harassing me again, I'm tired, I want to sleep, it's late... ."

I've no idea what he's planning to do and he freaks me out.

I've been advised by a therapist to try counselling. I proposed that to him, he seems to love the idea. No idea WHAT he expects or hopes from it. I just hope that maybe he will fell less persecuted if it's someone else who comes to the idea that we MUST separate and that a decent x/father does not leave his ex and son in the s***.

What do you think? Is that a good idea?

All I'm trying to do do really is calm him down, be able to communicate in a constructive way.

Also, he's been threatening to ask for F.C but he's never taken care of baby for more than a couple of hours, and I know he doesn't have the patience to take care of a young child an entire week-end. I mean, he's only "protecting himself" as he's scared to death that I'm going to run away, but I don't believe he WANTS to take care of his son at the week-end.

At the same time, he keeps mentioning job offers in our native region (4-5 hours by train), and saying that "I could join whenever I want (when school ends for my D)" WTH?

[momtara]

You are in the position I was in when I first left my exH.  My children are both very young.  He threatened to try for FC (they all do) but also sent me letters saying he couldn't take care of the kids on his own.  Just because they ask for it, doesn't mean they can get it.  Now is the time to be firm and not intimidated into giving more than you need.  If you think it should start with supervised visitation by a relative until the kid is 2-3, propose it when the time comes.

Regarding counseling, it depends.  If he is able to maniuplate a counselor, that might work against you.  If it's someone smart, it could help.  I will think about this more - have to get to work - but I did want to respond.  Hang in there.

[Indyan]

Thanks Momtara.

I phoned a therapist right next to our house. I started by asking what he thought of BPD. He said he was kinda trained for it and that his "coach" was from the big BPD association (where I'm going tomorrow for talk group). I told my story, he really understood me. However, he sounded very pessimistic and went on saying "Think of yourself, meet someone who'll make you happy." He said if we wanted counselling my BPbf needed to call too, to show his motivation and not tell me later "He was your therapist" (as he said when we tried therapy in June). I gave the number to BPbf, he said he'd call. Did you obtain supervised visits?

I used to think of him as a sick but good person, now I don't know anymore. He showed such an evil side on Tuesday evening (when he told me he'd get his own appartment, but I'd end up having to pay for everything. When I said I couldn't he said "I'll take baby in my house then. Leave your D to her dad, and then you'll be free." He was cruel, incoherent, threatening, kept changing versions. I'm under shock and really depressed. I feel betrayed and scared.

I used to cope in the past because I thought it was "just a crisis" and things would quickly be over. But I don't know what to think anymore. Reading this forum and what the therapist told me freaks me out... .

I just urgently need my own house, so I'll be able to close my door and feel safe at home (I hope).

What do you mean "when you first left your BPh" ? You stayed with him after that?

[Indyan]

Oops, don't know why my question ":)id you obtain supervised visits?" appeared there on top. It was meant to be at the end of my message.