Pondering the why's of this life...

[Danie14]

I wonder why, why me, how did I get myself into this spot? I take full responsibility for my choices and my actions and my decisions. I know why I choose what I choose. But sometimes I wonder why are THESE my choices?

I met a man who was wonderful, loved me beyond love, would literally take a bullet for me….and he is who he is…one minute like fire the next like ice…and in-between like a lump of nothing. We had children, and I am responsible for these little souls, WE are responsible for their well-being. They were tiny little people who needed us, both of us…and he’s a good dad, really he is…when he can be other times he’s a ‘jerk’ as our son says. And our daughter tells me “sometimes dad doesn’t treat you good”….but he’s never ever crossed the line with either of them.

Why does he know how far to push me? How does he know when to pull back? Why does he do what he does? I know I’ll never know that…hell, he probably don’t know that himself. I was talking to a friend whose husband (I just learned) suffers from bi-polar disorder…she says he never asked to have a mental illness so she deals with it…but it’s hard for her and she’s in her 60’s and ready to divorce him for her own sanity…and feels guilty because he never asked to have a mental illness…my H never asked to have this emotional illness (idk what else to call it atm) he wants to love me…and does love me in the best way he knows how to love anyone…but you know…it’s just not enough anymore…and that breaks my heart….

Who I am dictates my choices in this life, how I was raised and all the experiences of my life have created me, molded me into this person. My values, my beliefs, and my convictions….and I make no apologies or excuses for any of this…but at the same time I just wonder why? Why are my circumstances such as they are that these are my choices? How did I get myself here?

I have another friend who told me that my compassion is/will be my downfall. With regards to my H. And she’s probably right. She is right. It has been my downfall….but not only my compassion for him but for my children as well. No matter what, he is their dad and they do deserve to have their dad in their immediate life. IMO, it’s important and there’s a reason why the Creator (God) created man and women, why He created human kind in pairs of two to raise their children. It is a conviction of mine, a belief and creates within me the value that having a nuclear family intact is ideal for the health and well-being of the children. As of yet, this has proven out to be true in our children’s cases because they are happy, healthy, and thriving.

And yet…I am so unhappy…so so very unhappy…and I fake it…and then sometimes I wonder…well, maybe it is just me…maybe I am just a person who cannot be satisfied, maybe no matter what or where or who…I’ll always feel this unhappiness inside me. And I wonder if it…this unhappiness…is because of the bad memories…the past abuse that’s never been address let alone resolved….and if this is the case then…well, is it right to leave him based on that? Will leaving him resolve that for me? Probably  not…and yet…I just don’t *want* to be with him anymore because I *want* to realize my goals and my dreams…and he is simply not on board with any of that…even tho he says he is I know he isn’t…

He’s a man who can do anything he sets his mind to, if he wants something he will get that something, no questions. He’s amazing like that….and so when he says he wants the same things I want and yet how many-many-many years later it’s not come to pass…well, no, he doesn’t want it.

So, now I’m rambling…again…but my basic thought here is why…knowing there is no answer doesn’t make the question go away…why are these my choices…? maybe I’m just venting.

Thanks for listening…and if you want to add your thoughts I’d appreciate it…

[Lucky Jim]

Hi Danie, Sure, we all make choices and man is the sum of his acts (as Sartre says), yet it's impossible to foresee the myriad combinations of results that flow from different choices.  So go easy on yourself!  We all make mistakes, and hopefully learn from them.  Maybe you could spend some time on the riverbank, just watching the water rushing by?  Yes, I'm talking about mindfulness meditation.  It might help to clarify the next steps.  Hang in there, LuckyJim

[Cumulus]

Hi Danie14, I did listen. I could have written those same words years ago, you pulled me back to that very hard time. Your words are powerful and searching and there are no easy answers.

I have come to believe that God put me here for me. It is my responsibility to grow as my own person, not to try and grow anyone else with the exception of our minor children. Books I found tremendously helpful were ones written by Cloud and Townsend. They helped me gain an understanding that we are not responsible for others. We are responsible to others. It is a line I kept over stepping. When I began living my life for myself the decisions I needed to make became clearer. In my case my XH was not doing any work on himself, he vacillated between everything being my fault and more frequently his voiced concerns that he wasn't the kind of husband I deserved. Yet he did none of the hard work to turn himself into that kind of man, the kind of man who could develop a relationship with a partner. A relationship marked by love, trust, respect, truth, support and hard work. That relationship was never able to develop because he wasn't doing the work and I was busy trying to do the work for both of us.

I hope you are able to find the right answers for what you and your children need. 

[Blimblam]

All the answers are in  . Feel what's there feel everything in the abyss of nothingness.  The suffering is beyond imagination it is part of the journey.

[Danie14]

Thank you all for your kind and thoughtful words, they truly mean so much to me.

In the end, when it's all said and done... .I really don't think there's a truly right or wrong answer... .and there's never any way to know which way to turn or what to do... .the shaky ground is gonna be shaky no matter what... .and I just gotta keep on putting one foot in front of the other... .pray and hope for the best.

Lol, sometimes thinking too much amounts to nothing but a head ache.

[Perfidy]

"The root problem is the ignorance that conceives phenomena to exist more concretely than they actually do. Ignorance here is both a lack of knowledge of the truth and an active superimposition of an over-concretized status, an overly solid sense of existence. This misconception leads to other unhealthy attitudes--pride, enmity, belligerence, miserliness, laziness, lust, hatred, and so forth. All of these depend on ignorance. Without ignorance, they cannot exist."

[Danie14]

, it took me a couple of reads and a dictionary... .but yea, I get it.

Don't sweat the stuff you can't control and don't believe in an unknown future.

I get it, really and truly I do, my brain tells me this logically. My heart is a different matter all together. My heart says... .what it says... .and my love for my children's well being along with the statistical knowledge of reality... .well, that tells me to not do things that will screw them up.

Adding: That's why I say I take full responsibility for my choices in this life. I've chosen to stay with this man, with their dad, because... .well, because it's the right thing to do for my kids. Now they're older, and not as reliant on us as a 'couple' to parent them. I don't have to worry that he's going to warp their minds without me because their minds are developed into strong working brains, they know how to think for themselves.

It's just me now... .and only me... .and you know what? When it was a choice between myself and them? Well, they would always win, hands down no questions asked. Now it's not that anymore. It's a choice between me and my ideas of what's right... .I'm not sure if that makes sense to anyone else but to me it does. My ideas of 'shoulds' vs. the reality of what is... .and then the past creeps in... .and what was vs. what is... .and them I'm spinning off into the craziness of whatever... .