What have you learned about YOU?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have been wondering today how many of you have been able to use your experience of being in a relationship with someone with BPD positively. What have you learned about yourself and how will you take that forward in your future relationships?

It's still early days for me and I am just beginning to explore all this as I begin to make sense of the last 2.5 years.

[pavilion]

I have been wondering today how many of you have been able to use your experience of being in a relationship with someone with BPD positively. What have you learned about yourself and how will you take that forward in your future relationships?

It's still early days for me and I am just beginning to explore all this as I begin to make sense of the last 2.5 years.

[Blimblam]

well I have learned that like a borderline I have internalized ideas of who I am from the world outside of myself but I created a coherent collage that is a fantasy of who I think I am. The difference being that this sense of self is stable. I repress the inconsistancies with this idea of myself as I seeked to control the world outside of me to be consistant with the fantasy idea that was i identified myself as.  Within the fantasy though I projected something deep from within. The fantasy is like my own internal myth and who I am is hidden within it. The fantasy is a way of trying to understand who I really am in relation to this physical plane.

[fromheeltoheal]

I know see my 'experience' with a borderline a gift and the good news, for the following reasons:

I wasn't doing well when she showed up, and I turned to her to 'save' me.  Going into a relationship with the idea and need that the other person would and could 'save' me is exactly the wrong thing to do; we need to save ourselves, whatever that means, if only to get our sht together.  A healthy relationship is a union and partnership of two wholes, not two halves coming together trying to 'complete' one another.

I bought into her devaluations for a while, almost started to believe all the sht coming out of her mouth, until something inside me, my inner core I'm choosing to believe, called bullsht, gave her a bunch of her own crap, and left.  Since then I've discovered and completely accepted that she was 100% wrong, that I'm an awesome guy, perfectly imperfect in my own way, and the most important thing I can do is let who I am fly from my core, and if someone doesn't like it, remove them from my life.  That mindset is new and so freeing.

I'm much more aware of the dynamics of relationships with all kinds of people.  My go-to method in the past was to assume that everyone wanted what I wanted and that everyone was nice; a whole lot of boundary-busting went on with that mindset.  Now I'm taking people at face value, some naivety died, and I'm extra aware and present in my interactions with people.  It's really all about boundary preservation, let the right ones in, the rest need to go away.  That too is new for me.  Hell, maybe I'm growing up a little.

So yes, we usually learn the most when we're in pain, we're much more teachable, and I lost most of a year after I left her, going through the stages of detachment, hating the world, one foot in front of the other, but the lessons were learned, and I can honestly say that life is better than ever today.

[woofhound]

I've learned many things, but I would say the most apparent to me is that I've noticed that I am often attracted to people who seem stable at first, but have repulsive tendencies. For instance, I asked a girl if she wanted to go out with me to watch my friends band play. She seemed really normal at work, but when she showed up to the concert she was already really drunk (or probably on pills). I politely explained after the date that I "didn't feel any chemistry"... .She wanted to come in and have sex. I said no. The old me would have. Another time, a waitress at the restaurant I drink at was flirting with me. She was very, very attractive. She mentioned that she might be a "nymphomaniac" in a sort of joking manner. Ya know, the kind of joke you say with a certain tone in your voice that says "i'm not kidding". NEXT!

I guess the overall theme here I that I'm not looking for a girlfriend anymore. I'm not just looking for a hot piece. I'm looking for the love of my life and the mother of my children. 

[pavilion]

Thanks for your replies. It's really interesting to see what others have learned from the time in the relationship. The mirroring theory is interesting and I will need to think about that for myself. I have explored a lot and recognised that I was in a low place when I met him and he helped fix me. In fact he liked it when I was vulnerable and began to feel very uncomfortable when I found my confidence and independence again. That became labelled as controlling and selfish.

[raytamtay3]

I'd like to think I've learned how to be a stronger person. How to advocate for my DD. How to see her not as a bad kid, but as someone who needs my help, understanding, compassion and to be her rock. I've learned how to not allow her distorted view of life and of me to adversely affect me and how I react to her. To not take things personally anymore. I've learned  to let go and not be as compulsive and to not allow guilt to take over my life.

[woofhound]

Thanks for your replies. It's really interesting to see what others have learned from the time in the relationship. The mirroring theory is interesting and I will need to think about that for myself. I have explored a lot and recognised that I was in a low place when I met him and he helped fix me. In fact he liked it when I was vulnerable and began to feel very uncomfortable when I found my confidence and independence again. That became labelled as controlling and selfish.

I'm really glad you said this Pavillion. I expressed this very same sentiment to my T. When I first met my uBPDex I was dealing with a lot of emotional issues surrounding my mom's alcoholism, and she approached me as sort of a "healer" type. Over the course of the three year r/s I healed my wounds by realizing that I cannot change my mother and that she would have to work her issues out on her own, and, even if she did work them out, I am going to be ok... .However, after I came to this conclusion and told my ex this, she still treated me as if I were a wounded kitten. Once, she even rolled her eyes at me when she said, "You've still got issues with your mom.", and I replied "I've let that go... .There is nothing I can do to change it."

Its like they need us to be emotionally weak for them to feel empowered.

I've also noticed this about my uBPDex's friends, and was wondering if you or anyone else have noticed the same pattern: She only associates with people who are emotionally unstable or have obvious psychological issues and tries to "help" them.

[pavilion]

I'm really glad you said this Pavillion. I expressed this very same sentiment to my T. When I first met my uBPDex I was dealing with a lot of emotional issues surrounding my mom's alcoholism, and she approached me as sort of a "healer" type. Over the course of the three year r/s I healed my wounds by realizing that I cannot change my mother and that she would have to work her issues out on her own, and, even if she did work them out, I am going to be ok... .However, after I came to this conclusion and told my ex this, she still treated me as if I were a wounded kitten. Once, she even rolled her eyes at me when she said, "You've still got issues with your mom.", and I replied "I've let that go... .There is nothing I can do to change it."

Its like they need us to be emotionally weak for them to feel empowered.

I've also noticed this about my uBPDex's friends, and was wondering if you or anyone else have noticed the same pattern: She only associates with people who are emotionally unstable or have obvious psychological issues and tries to "help" them.

Yes, he has definitely chosen wounded women in the past. Of course they have been painted as psycho exes but I think "wounded" would be a much better description. In fact this was a red flag when I first met him. I questioned his need to be with women with lots of emotional and mental difficulties. Now I can see why he does it (probably at a subconscious level). I wonder too if this plays out in the dynamic of the relationship - keeping the partner as the underdog.

I'd like to think I've learned how to be a stronger person. How to advocate for my DD. How to see her not as a bad kid, but as someone who needs my help, understanding, compassion and to be her rock. I've learned how to not allow her distorted view of life and of me to adversely affect me and how I react to her. To not take things personally anymore. I've learned  to let go and not be as compulsive and to not allow guilt to take over my life.

Raytamtay3 I'm glad to hear that you have found a way to live with this and used it positively. I am also slightly envious of you because I know that right now I dont' have the ability to do that.

[qkslvrgirl]

Hi Pavillion - This is a good topic for positive reflection.

In your last post, you said you "don't have the ability to do that", meaning you don't see how to live positively and without guilt in relationship to a pwBPD.

If I interpreted your statement correctly, I want to encourage you to hang in there, because this is an unfolding process.

Healing happens, self awareness develops, and recognizing the enticements of "fear, obligation and guilt" (that are laid out like mouse traps for us) becomes clearer over time.

These are the gifts we receive that show us how far we've come. It frees us to live better.

Hope you have a wonderful day.

Quicksilver Girl

[Lucky Jim]

Hey pavillion, Agree, great topic.  One thing I've learned is the importance of remaining authentic to myself, which includes doing the things that are meaningful to me and bring me joy.  I allowed my BPDxW to isolate me from friends and family, and cut me off from the activities that made me happy.  I ignored my gut feelings and lost my sense of self for a while, which in not fun though pretty common in a r/s with a pwBPD.  Now I'm back on MY path.  Lucky Jim

[pavilion]

What I meant was that I could not continue to be in the relationship and find my self again. I have had to step out to begin to find me again. I also have children (not with him) so it was important to remove the dynamic from them.

Lucky jim are you still in this relationship or did you need to get out to begin to find your sense of self again

[OutOfEgypt]

I've learned that I'm a good man and was a good husband to her.  I've worked through lots of issues such as self-betrayal and codependency.  But I've also learned to not fault and condemn myself too much for staying with her and enduring those things.  While I did perpetuate it by staying, I was certainly not given attractive options to choose from.  Probably most people in my situation would have been stuck as well.  I am thankful that I got out when I did.  However, I learned what a healthy relationship is and what it is not.  I learned that I needed to be needed, that I had a need to punish myself by needing an impossible woman, by running the gauntlet to earn a love and approval that would perhaps make me feel like someone, and I learned how that was all a self-destructive game never worth playing again.

[Lucky Jim]

Pavillion, I'm divorced from my BPDxW, after a 16-year marriage.  Yes, I had to leave in order to find myself again.  The "price was high" for staying in a BPD r/s and I almost destroyed myself in the process.  Not fun, but like many I tend to learn things the hard way!  Lucky Jim

[talithacumi]

Great topic - thanks for giving us all a chance to reflect/articulate the progress we've made.

I came to these boards looking for the validation/answers/help I needed but couldn't seem to find anywhere else after my undiagnosed, significant other of 12+ years very suddenly, very dramatically, and very typically (I learned) replaced me with a woman he'd met/known for less than a month.

What I found here, in combination with over a year of intensive therapy, helped me identify some of the core beliefs (that were completely false) and coping mechanisms (that were generally not very effective in anything but the short-term) I had always had that both attracted and made me attractive to pwBPD in the first place.

Probably the biggest/most important thing I learned was to apply some of the same BPD truths to myself and my own perceptions, assumptions, beliefs, feelings, thoughts, and actions.

I learned, for example, that feelings aren't facts - not for people with BPD, but also not for me either. It's understandable why - given my upbringing - I might feel like I don't inherently deserve to be loved and therefore must earn it by being useful or at least non-problematic to those who tolerate/would like to actually love/care about me - but simply feeling that way doesn't make it true.

I learned that, when in doubt, let the facts speak for themselves - again, not just in terms of the things someone with BPD does, but in terms of what I do/have done as well. It was this kind of "factual" review of myself and my actions - as opposed to the things I felt, wanted to do, but didn't do throughout the entire course of my life - that made it inescapably clear, even to me, that I was - despite the way I felt deep down inside - someone who was IMMINENTLY worthy of being respected, admired, trusted, cared about, and, yes, even loved.

I learned to set boundaries to reflect/promote/protect the things I value - including, most significantly, my own sense of self-worth - again, not just with pwBPD - but, more importantly, for and with myself. An example of a personal boundary is me simply not allowing myself to be flattered, bargained, guilted, shamed, humiliated, pressured, threatened, or otherwise manipulated into saying/doing something - or even promising to say/do something - that I'm not actually okay/comfortable with. If I feel that way, I tell myself it's a good indicator that I really need to take some time to think about what I'm being asked/expected to do - and I take it.

By doing all of these things, slowly, over time, I've also learned to finally trust myself not to let anyone get into my head/control/hurt me again the way my ex (and a whole lot of other people in my life, including my mom) have - even if - or, maybe, especially when they can't help themselves from doing it as a matter of their own emotional survival.

I don't think of it as a gift. As I've said before, that would be like saying that getting pushed off a cliff was simply a shortcut to the bottom. But I do think of it as the impetus/motivation I needed to take my broken self and figure out how/why I ended up at the bottom of that cliff in the first place so maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't find myself there ever again.

[pavilion]

Thank you for your responses. It's really interesting and warming to know that some of you have learned some very valuable lessons about who you are through such a destructive relationship. I think it is very easy to fall into victim mode and blaming the pwBPD but let's face it we were the ones who continued to endure the emotional and sometimes physical abuse so we must play a part in the continuation of such a dynamic.

I have learned a heck of a lot about personality disorders through this experience which has been invaluable for the job I do. I am much more empathic towards those who suffer with a PD. My issue is emotional and physical BOUNDARIES. I am still needing to work on saying no when I know that it's what I need to do. Sometimes I am just too damned nice and put other's pain before my own wellbeing.

[acknowledgement]

I learned WHY I chose a BPD as a best friend, WHY I allowed her to treat me the way she did, but I only learned it after she disposed of our decades of friendship with a silent, cold treatment - I learned to be healthy minded and choose friends and people who truly love and respect you and just value you for you, not for what you can fulfill inside their empty, sad selves. I learned the signs of a BPD, and to never ever be in any type of relationship like that again. I do not miss her at all anymore, for she was not what I thought she was - she was what she pretended to be. A chameleon.

[workinprogress]

Great question!

What have I learned?

I've learned that I am a very determined, patient and loving person.

I look for the best in everyone.

I was once described as having the patience of Job.  I'm wondering now if that was a good thing.

Negatives about myself:

I tend to be very hard on myself.

I don't reach out for help from others.  I tend to try to take care of all my needs.

I have historically been attracted to promiscuous women.  I now realize this and make a conscious effort to avert my eyes and whatever it takes to avoid bad situations.

Overall, my BPD relationship has really shined a light on my flaws to myself.  Perhaps all of this has been a blessing in the long run?

[Perfidy]

Family,we are more than mind and body. We are the self that is the master of mind and body combined with the energies that propell growth and change. After all that then emotion. We're complex beings that have no inherent existence but a dependent existence.


BTW... .The self happens to be eternal as we know and understand that the mind and body fade... .Just sayin.