Never expected to feel such pain ...

[scallywag]

Thanks so much guys for your warm support.

It was a whirlwind romance but the most intense and passionate time of my life,  and looking at the links showing how a BPD relationship is built & how to survive a break up is making the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

I am clearly a text book case ... .how did I not spot the signs?

I have to confess though that I still miss him in 1000 ways throughout the day. I got dependant on him as he got dependant on me  - we used to jokingly call each other our drug of choice - but I'm not joking about it now.

I am ashamed to say  I am hoping that one day he will call me begging me to give our relationship another go and that he has accepted that he has BPD issues and will address these with support from services like counselling.

But deep down I know this is unlikely.

I also feel that he has spoiled me for any other man as I know I won't get the intense passion from anyone else - stability and normality yes - but will I ever want to settle for someone that's not him? cry

I feel like a lovesick teenager - not a mature woman who should know better... .

[Tibbles]

It's OK - we have all been there. When I left I showed my brother some of the emails we were sending back and forth as I couldn't think through the FOG. He commented they read like something sick teenagers would send. He was correct. they were not emotionally balanced correspondence that two adults would engage in. Crazy stuff.

[Infern0]

Hi there,  pretty much all of us on this site can understand your pain. It's excruciatingly bad when you come out of it. I felt like getting out of bed and actually doing day to day things was almost impossible.

I was absolutely soul destroyed and even now weeks later I'm only mildly "better". And now having to process everything and still "be there" for my ex who's attempting a recycle. I have decided a romantic relationship is not right for me, and am wanting to be a committed friend yet went for a nap earlier and had an intense dream of sleeping with her, like it was actually happening,  and then waking up disgusted feeling like I'd been raped in my dream and enjoyed it.

It's so confusing. But also eye opening.

I recommend schooling up on BPD,  the effects that it has on us non 's and also some self reflection,  to see why this happened to you.

This forum is a great support group and we will all help you any way we can.

Don't think too much of the future just yet, take one step at a time and then you can make a decision about what you ACTUALLY want, and be prepared for possible recycle attempts etc.

Knowledge is key to healing.

X

[Tiepje3]

Hi Scallywag, you are not alone in this. Most of what you wrote down applies to me as well, especially the part of wanting him to beg me to come back, see the errors of his way and 'change' back into the lovely, attentive and passionate man that he was.

I also dreamt about him last night. We were kissing, making up. I still feel his lips on mine this morning. I miss him so much. But then I think of all the erratic behaviour and the name-calling and me feeling ill at ease, not myself (but then... .who am I now?).

It is the hardest thing to deal with, and I agree, he probably has spoilt me for any other man. Maybe in a year or so, I will be able to see value in another man and see this six year episode as a great memory, life's lesson, valuable time. I'm taking one day at a time, taking very small steps, and feel the grief and pain. Writing here helps me lot. Knowing that there are others out there that have the same kind of pain, makes me feel less lonely.

Wishing you the best!