NC Healthy?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello bpdfamily,

I've been NC with my exBPDgf for six months now, not a peep from her nor I of any form. Its weird being this far out, first of all the memories don't feel like they ever really happened, but what's far more bizarre is having no contact of ANY kind with someone who was so intimately in my life for 5+ years, including all of her friends and family.

I've since moved from the town where we both lived, but had to go back to pick up the rest of my stuff. While I was there, I saw her parents (but they didn't see me) and it sent me into this intense mode of anxiety (I have GAD). I was on edge the whole time I was there in that town, almost like she'd pop out of nowhere although I know that wasn't going to happen. I even went to post some of my belongings on Craigslist so I wouldn't have to move them 600 miles away, but then I came across a posting I knew was from hers also selling stuff (I was trying to get an idea of what to price my stuff at), and it sent me again spiraling downward into depression. It wasn't contact, but it felt as if I knew something about her life when I really didn't, that she was moving and selling her stuff too. Its maddening, but this little post just really negatively affected me to no end, where I thought all types of things like where's she moving, with who, why etc. I don't understand how six months out with N/C this person can still have such a clutch on me? I want to feel like she still misses me to some extent, even fantasize about it a lot, but then I know like via this CL post none of it is true, that she has completely forgotten me. In some form, I can't help but feel that NC might be unhealthy? I will eventually have to contact me exBPDgf in the future as she is tied to my family via my sister, and if she sends me off the edge like this without even TRYING/KNOWING, is it healthy to build this type of NC policy where you pretend the other person doesn't exist? I don't know, I've never dealt with this before, I want to just forget her and everything, but I never expected any of this.

[dillan6241]

Hello bpdfamily,

I've been NC with my exBPDgf for six months now, not a peep from her nor I of any form. Its weird being this far out, first of all the memories don't feel like they ever really happened, but what's far more bizarre is having no contact of ANY kind with someone who was so intimately in my life for 5+ years, including all of her friends and family.

I've since moved from the town where we both lived, but had to go back to pick up the rest of my stuff. While I was there, I saw her parents (but they didn't see me) and it sent me into this intense mode of anxiety (I have GAD). I was on edge the whole time I was there in that town, almost like she'd pop out of nowhere although I know that wasn't going to happen. I even went to post some of my belongings on Craigslist so I wouldn't have to move them 600 miles away, but then I came across a posting I knew was from hers also selling stuff (I was trying to get an idea of what to price my stuff at), and it sent me again spiraling downward into depression. It wasn't contact, but it felt as if I knew something about her life when I really didn't, that she was moving and selling her stuff too. Its maddening, but this little post just really negatively affected me to no end, where I thought all types of things like where's she moving, with who, why etc. I don't understand how six months out with N/C this person can still have such a clutch on me? I want to feel like she still misses me to some extent, even fantasize about it a lot, but then I know like via this CL post none of it is true, that she has completely forgotten me. In some form, I can't help but feel that NC might be unhealthy? I will eventually have to contact me exBPDgf in the future as she is tied to my family via my sister, and if she sends me off the edge like this without even TRYING/KNOWING, is it healthy to build this type of NC policy where you pretend the other person doesn't exist? I don't know, I've never dealt with this before, I want to just forget her and everything, but I never expected any of this.

[Infared]

"I've been NC with my exBPDgf for six months now, not a peep from her nor I of any form. Its weird being this far out, first of all the memories don't feel like they ever really happened, but what's far more bizarre is having no contact of ANY kind with someone who was so intimately in my life for 5+ years, including all of her friends and family."

Dillan... .don't know your whole story... but mine did the above and ran off with a person that she was cheating on me with... .but lied to me, him, her family (whole loved and accepted me), and everyone else including the therapist (that I begged her to get).

These situation are extremely emotionally painful.

I think the NC is very healthy for you and that your feelings are completely normal coming out of one of these relationships at your current timeframe. Stimulation like you mentioned is bound to upset you (she REALLY mattered to you!)... .being in contact with her would be much worse, IMHO. I went thru that.

You are doing GREAT and should be proud of your conviction and determination to take care of you and move forward. Congratulate yourself... .life will slowly get better!

[camuse]

5 years is a long time, give yourself a break. Just keep going, you are doing really well!

[dillan6241]

Thanks for the replies.

I understand what you're all saying, but suffering from GAD my T always told me to always confront anxious and uncertain situations so that I can become more accustomed to dealing with them. I feel that I'm avoiding dealing with her, avoiding the feelings of anxiety of dealing with her, because just when I saw her parents (they didn't recognize me I've lost so much weight) I was overcome by these feelings of anxiety. It just made me feel like I might be dealing with this in an unhealthy manner. Everything else is going well, I have a new great job now in a new city, an awesome family, new friends, new car, and I lost 40lb hitting the gym. But this one thing is still ... .it seems I'm dealing with it in a bad way. I know that nothing good comes from pwBPD, and there actions are unreliable/non-logical, but I can't help but think again, avoiding her via NC is not the right thing. I'm detaching, caring less, I suppose, and the pain will come but subsides faster, but what about when the day comes where I HAVE to deal with her, and my anxiety just overcomes me? The mere fact that the anxiety exists when dealing with her presupposes that something is still so very wrong.

[LettingGo14]

I'm detaching, caring less, I suppose, and the pain will come but subsides faster, but what about when the day comes where I HAVE to deal with her, and my anxiety just overcomes me? The mere fact that the anxiety exists when dealing with her presupposes that something is still so very wrong.

I know this is hard.  It's why a community like this exists.

So often, we reserve our harshest criticism for ourselves, labeling things "wrong" or bad or broken.

We don't have to do this.

Grieving is a process.  Healing is a process.  Detachment is a process. 

I think I know now why I remained stuck for so long -- and it took me a long time to realize it was not because I was doing anything wrong.   I wanted to "figure" it out.  I wanted to come to the conclusion that I was "okay."

And, ultimately, through trial and error and steps and missteps, boom -- there it was.

One of my favorite Buddhist teachers, Pema Chodron, says "nothing ever leaves us until it teaches us what we need to know."   

[Infared]

Thanks for the replies.

I understand what you're all saying, but suffering from GAD my T always told me to always confront anxious and uncertain situations so that I can become more accustomed to dealing with them. I feel that I'm avoiding dealing with her, avoiding the feelings of anxiety of dealing with her, because just when I saw her parents (they didn't recognize me I've lost so much weight) I was overcome by these feelings of anxiety. It just made me feel like I might be dealing with this in an unhealthy manner. Everything else is going well, I have a new great job now in a new city, an awesome family, new friends, new car, and I lost 40lb hitting the gym. But this one thing is still ... .it seems I'm dealing with it in a bad way. I know that nothing good comes from pwBPD, and there actions are unreliable/non-logical, but I can't help but think again, avoiding her via NC is not the right thing. I'm detaching, caring less, I suppose, and the pain will come but subsides faster, but what about when the day comes where I HAVE to deal with her, and my anxiety just overcomes me? The mere fact that the anxiety exists when dealing with her presupposes that something is still so very wrong.

"but what about when the day comes where I HAVE to deal with her, and my anxiety just overcomes me? "

 

Dillan ... .I am in (for years) substance abuse recovery and we say in our mtgs. "If you are keeping one foot in the past, and one in the future, you are spreading your legs apart an pooping on the present!"  ... .Just keep it in today... worry about the run-in when and if it happens (easy to say... hard to do)... .

I too lost 35lbs (and I was not overweight) when my ex ran off... .people (and I) were really worried about me... .but it got better... all of that happened because "I" truly loved her soo much... . It just was not possible for her to share that with "me".

I understand EVERYTHING that you are saying... .and you have valid points... .but I guess what everyone here knows (from our own experiences) is that if you get in touch with her you are liable to just do a tailspin and end up in a way worse place than you are now.

We see you as doing just GREAT out of a 5-year realationship with a pwBPD... .but that is easy for some of us to say... because you are in the thick of it and in pain.  I admire your determination and hones self appraisal... .Only you can do what you think is right for you.

My heart goes out to you.

BTW: I LOVE everything that LettingGo said!  

[dillan6241]

Can you explain or relate to this? That for some reason you still want to be part of your exBPDgf's life, but at the same time you know the pain it will cause and stay out. I feel trapped because for some reason despite the good things in my life, I always seem to overlook them and focus on the exBPD. Its annoying the ___ out of me, I downplay great things going on in my life because I'm thinking about my ex, what she's doing, and where and with who. I actually thought that if she came back, I would take her back no matte what happened or what she did, I just didn't want to know, just wanted her back. I did exactly that during two recycles and subconsciously I knew what had happened, but I still took her back. I don't want this to happen again, but I think something is wrong with me ... .that maybe I'm just so desperate? I do have GAD and I actually asked for her to help me with it, not really knowing her BPD, AND SHE knew about my anxieties but just gave up on me. I was seeking help with my disorder from a disordered person :-/

[Harri]

Hi Dillan. 

It sounds like you have used NC to your advantage in terms of changing location, job, friends and that is wonderful!  It also sounds like you know yourself pretty well, you know your anxiety levels and you are questioning the effectiveness of NC for *you*.  I say listen to your gut.  I agree with your T that the only way to deal with anxiety is to confront the cause of the anxiety. 

I think NC works for some and for others, it is not a good choice.  Realize though that my situation is different from many people on this board and the most challenging BPD relationship I have had to deal with was specifically with my mother and my FOO in general.  My mom was pretty severely affected by BPD and was quite low functioning.  There was no middle ground with her.  I was so anxious and so beaten down after a lifetime of abuse, living for her and thinking there was something wrong with me that it was vital that I not cut contact completely and that I work on all the fear and anxiety I had about her, being around her, and just even hearing her voice on the phone.  I strongly felt and my T agreed that the only way for me to move through all that was to confront it.  It sounds like your T is thinking along the same lines and it sounds like you feel that way too.  I would never suggest you immerse yourself in her presence but maybe talk to your T about how you can gradually expose yourself to your triggers in a safe way while challenging yourself.  One of the things that caused me to not cut contact was to talk with others who had also been raised by BPDs who were still, decades later, brought to their knees with just a phone call.  There were some people whose situation demanded NC because the BPD had violent tendencies etc.  I am not talking about those people.  I am talking about the people who even after cutting all external ties were still in a relationship with their pwBPD in their own head, still feeling anxiety and stress just thinking about them.  I realize you are only 6 months out of a 5 year relationship and you still have a lot of healing to do and it takes time, so think about it and talk with your T before you do anything.  It may be something as simple as visiting the old town, taking a friend with you and having lunch there or something.  again, I am not saying to contact her and in fact I think that would be a bad thing to do.  I do think it is wise to try to decrease your anxiety.  For some people (like me) that meant taking small steps to expose myself to the source of the anxiety and experience success, with success defined as getting through the task at hand.  I did not define success as feeling no anxiety or nervousness... .it was a given that I would feel that way but it lessened each and every time I challenged it. 

I realize I am in the minority here so please no tomato throwing!     Just think about it and see what your T says.

I do want to add that I can totally relate to your recent post here about still wanting your ex in your life.  I felt and even sometimes still feel that way about my ex.  I loved him very much and I still miss him.  I was with him for 7 years.  I don't think there is anything wrong with you or me for feeling that way.  He was wonderful when he was good.  We both had our issues.  We just locked together in ways that only led to insanity for the both of us. 

hang in there Dillan. 

[Infared]

Can you explain or relate to this? That for some reason you still want to be part of your exBPDgf's life, but at the same time you know the pain it will cause and stay out. I feel trapped because for some reason despite the good things in my life, I always seem to overlook them and focus on the exBPD. Its annoying the ___ out of me, I downplay great things going on in my life because I'm thinking about my ex, what she's doing, and where and with who. I actually thought that if she came back, I would take her back no matte what happened or what she did, I just didn't want to know, just wanted her back. I did exactly that during two recycles and subconsciously I knew what had happened, but I still took her back. I don't want this to happen again, but I think something is wrong with me ... .that maybe I'm just so desperate? I do have GAD and I actually asked for her to help me with it, not really knowing her BPD, AND SHE knew about my anxieties but just gave up on me. I was seeking help with my disorder from a disordered person :-/

Dillan... .I know how you feel... .truly I do.  No one should have to feel this way... .but after being "hooked" by a BPD there is something about us that makes breaking away from that insanity very, very, very painful.  ... .but the person that we "thought" that we knew... does not exist... .it was just a manufactured individual by someone so sick and desperate with not sense of self... .Behind that fake self is the real person that we all know and hate.  That is who you know now... .your BPD's real persona.  There just is nothing there to love. Nothing.   

It is hard to digest and accept... .but soo many of us here tell the same story... .I so believe that it is the truth. 

[gentlestguardian]

Say you broke NC... .what would you say to her? Maybe it would help you to write that down, to really evaluate why it is that you feel the need to break NC. What do you think she'd have to say to you if you broke NC, and would any of it serve to harm you further?

It sounds to me like you're being really harsh on yourself based on the idea that she's forgotten you, when you can't possibly forget her. But her fogetting you (if that's in fact the case) has nothing to do with you at all. It's another symptom of her BPD. And you being unable to let go of her after a five year relationship is totally normal. That's like a micro-lifetime in relationship terms .