rewriting history

[pieceofme]

a few weeks ago, i broke contact and started talking to my ex again. even though he claimed that i left him (actually it was quite the opposite!), he begged me to be his gf again. i declined, but we agreed to work on our relationship.

on tuesday, my ex was sick in bed, so i took him some soup. he didn't say thank you (of course not) and i didn't hear from him the rest of the day... .or the next day. after 24 hours of silence, i asked if i had done something to upset him. my question apparently triggered a rage because for the next hour i heard how he doesn't want to be with me. "as if i want to be with you," were his actual words.

a few hours later, he text me completely normal, as if nothing had happened. i ignored it. yesterday he text me again, still normal, and i ignored it. (3 days NC, as of now... .) shortly thereafter, he posted this quote on social media: "keep people in your life that truly love you, motivate you, encourage you, inspire you, enhance you, and make you happy." 

it frustrates me how he seemingly rewrites history to make it seem like i left him, like he's the victim, as if i didn't love him enough! i understand there is some projection, but even at the simplest level, does he not remember that he's the one who keeps breaking up with me?

[fromheeltoheal]

he didn't say thank you (of course not) and i didn't hear from him the rest of the day... .or the next day. after 24 hours of silence, i asked if i had done something to upset him. my question apparently triggered a rage because for the next hour i heard how he doesn't want to be with me. "as if i want to be with you," were his actual words.

I used to do something nice for my ex, no thank you, no acknowledgement, and when I pointed out to her how selfish and inconsiderate that was, she'd immediately get ashamed, go into a funk for a few, and then out came the rage and the blame; the emotion of shame was too intense to deal with, so it had to be puked all over me.  Very unattractive, so say the least.

a few hours later, he text me completely normal, as if nothing had happened.

A trait of the disorder is an unstable sense of self, because a sufferer doesn't have a fully formed one of their own, so it's not as if he's rewriting history, it's as if a different self is responding to that history (not to be confused with multiple personalities, although it can seem like that).  And what is always present is a fear of abandonment; mine would turn on the sugar when she felt she was losing me, even though she didn't understand what impact her actions had or the connection between them and how I felt.

"keep people in your life that truly love you, motivate you, encourage you, inspire you, enhance you, and make you happy."

All take, no give.

So honestly, is this person ever going to sustainably meet your needs and wants?  If not it's up to you to take care of yourself, since that rollercoaster will go roundy round forever, and all you can do is get off.  What's next?

[kc sunshine]

does he not remember that he's the one who keeps breaking up with me?

Yes! This would happen to me too-- and if I protested about this rewriting of history she would rage at me for acting "like a victim." No win.

NC towards detachment/indifference-- we can do it!

[patientandclear]

Pieceofme, it sounds like you like many others (often including me) are having a hard time accepting that it is REALLY true that he hurts you because to him, you have hurt him.

He doesn't break up with you or say rejecting things to you out of the blue, as far as he's concerned. He does it because according to him, you have hurt him. "Why did you make me hurt you?" is essentially his posture.

My ex was exactly the same. He left me. Then he pointed out later that he'd been very gracious in not engaging in what he called "recriminations" for what had happened. To him, I had forced him to leave and lose our great love.

While that doesn't make any sense in reality, that doesn't mean it isn't true for them.

I'll hazard a guess that your guy is scared that you will leave for increasingly good reason ... .Because you do leave when he pushes you away. This is what they mean when we hear that we become each other's triggers after a certain point in a BPD r/s. Both partners are protecting themselves and each partner feels the other's self-protections as rejection of them.

Yes he will rewrite history, but that's because when he pseudo leaves you or even really leaves you, or takes up with his ex or whatever, if that involves pushing you away, he likely is doing so because from his perspective, you hurt him badly.

That doesn't mean when you ask him if you hurt him (as you did) that he will unspool all of this rationally.  You may get a self-protective dose of "as if I want to be with you." As you did.

Things are not what they seem on the surface. That means a lot of the rejection pain we experience is unwarranted because they are not REALLY rejecting us, it's a self-protective stance. One we can probably all relate to actually, IF we had actually done anything to hurt them. The key is to remember: to them, we did (do something to hurt them).

The question is -- can you live like that? Some can or are willing to. I can't or am not willing to. In my ex's case he seeks other women at that point. I can't work with that. But your guy's coping mechanisms may be more tolerable for you. My point here is just that you don't need to take those coping mechanisms at face value.

[myself]

PwBPD rewrite history before it even happens. Before, during, and after.

They know they do this, having lived their own defensive/destructive patterns.

It's a choice to continue doing so. To not find real help for themselves.

They're also well aware that they project. Avoiding/denying the truth.

That we're not guilty of (most of) the personal crimes they accuse us of.

It's like two incompatible worlds in the same room. Doesn't work.

[pieceofme]

a few hours later, he text me completely normal, as if nothing had happened.

A trait of the disorder is an unstable sense of self, because a sufferer doesn't have a fully formed one of their own, so it's not as if he's rewriting history, it's as if a different self is responding to that history (not to be confused with multiple personalities, although it can seem like that).  And what is always present is a fear of abandonment; mine would turn on the sugar when she felt she was losing me, even though she didn't understand what impact her actions had or the connection between them and how I felt.

"keep people in your life that truly love you, motivate you, encourage you, inspire you, enhance you, and make you happy."

All take, no give.

So honestly, is this person ever going to sustainably meet your needs and wants?  If not it's up to you to take care of yourself, since that rollercoaster will go roundy round forever, and all you can do is get off.  What's next?

the point you made about not rewriting history, but it's a different self responding really hits home for me. my ex often claims he never did this, never said that, etc. and it is somewhat alarming that i actually believe he doesn't remember! i also find interesting your point about "all take, no give." i took the post from a different perspective, but i do see truth in your angle regarding his selfish motivations.

kc, your comment about "acting like a victim" - my ex similarly accuses me by saying i'm "acting like a child." i always find that slightly entertaining when he says that in the midst of his adult temper tantrum rage 

patientandclear, thank you for your response! i hadn't considered his actions based on the perspective you posed - it does clarify some things, but like you, i can't live like that. my ex also seeks other women. he admits he "can't be alone," so in instances where i hurt him (whether real or perceived), he immediately goes elsewhere. in the past when i have questioned him on this behavior, asking if he thought it was an acceptable response, he said, "no, but you made me mad," but was never able to pinpoint WHY i "made him mad."

myself, i do agree that my ex is aware he projects and i'm not guilty of what he accuses me of. that's why it's so frustrating to me when he does it!

[fromheeltoheal]

the point you made about not rewriting history, but it's a different self responding really hits home for me. my ex often claims he never did this, never said that, etc. and it is somewhat alarming that i actually believe he doesn't remember!

Yep, there's two ways to look at it.  One, the facts are the facts, and how we feel about those facts can be changed by changing the meaning or interpretation we give them; cognition.  The other way is the opposite: the feelings are the feelings, and the facts can be changed to match the feeling; cognitive distortion.  Much easier to just change the facts we don't like, when you think about it, and if someone is motivated enough, because the negative feelings are strong enough and they can't cope, it's much handier to just change the facts, and with enough practice and repitition, someone can get good enough to alter their reality entirely, so the facts never existed.  Nope, not for me... .