why is it that contact is SO damaging?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I have LC with my waif,  and although I'm "undecided" how to proceed,  deep down I know at some stage I'm going to have to cut the cord Permenantly.

I've thought that LC could work, that maybe I could be a friend even though it would be hard work.

But the couple of conversations I've had with her,  even though I'd class them as pleasent have been very damaging on me.

I come away from them almost happy but then that slips away and all sorts of things start going off in my head leaving me in a state of confusion that lasts days.

And these are just 5 minute "nice weather" type conversations!

[Infern0]

I have LC with my waif,  and although I'm "undecided" how to proceed,  deep down I know at some stage I'm going to have to cut the cord Permenantly.

I've thought that LC could work, that maybe I could be a friend even though it would be hard work.

But the couple of conversations I've had with her,  even though I'd class them as pleasent have been very damaging on me.

I come away from them almost happy but then that slips away and all sorts of things start going off in my head leaving me in a state of confusion that lasts days.

And these are just 5 minute "nice weather" type conversations!

[Chasing_Ghosts]

I have LC with my waif,  and although I'm "undecided" how to proceed,  deep down I know at some stage I'm going to have to cut the cord Permenantly.

I've thought that LC could work, that maybe I could be a friend even though it would be hard work.

But the couple of conversations I've had with her,  even though I'd class them as pleasent have been very damaging on me.

I come away from them almost happy but then that slips away and all sorts of things start going off in my head leaving me in a state of confusion that lasts days.

And these are just 5 minute "nice weather" type conversations!

So to me this shows that a friendship is not enough. The fact that the conversations are pleasant but casual is why its in fact so damaging. You long for more because the dynamic isnt what it used to be and the dwindling attachment is felt. Think about it with our exs we had such an intense bond to the point of feeling they were our soul mates. Someone we could see ourselves spending our lives with. We had deeply intimate conversations with them and shared things connected on an emotional level that we most likely wouldn't have shared with anyone else. Then to for it all to shift to interactions on the level of what wed have with a stranger politely on the side of the road. Id be in a state of confusion too wondering... how the hell did we get here? I could be wrong but this is just what im sensing. Its also a realization i came to last night after a dream i had... but thats a whole other story in itself.

[tim_tom]

I have LC with my waif,  and although I'm "undecided" how to proceed,  deep down I know at some stage I'm going to have to cut the cord Permenantly.

I've thought that LC could work, that maybe I could be a friend even though it would be hard work.

But the couple of conversations I've had with her,  even though I'd class them as pleasent have been very damaging on me.

I come away from them almost happy but then that slips away and all sorts of things start going off in my head leaving me in a state of confusion that lasts days.

And these are just 5 minute "nice weather" type conversations!

Cause it gets you thinking about her again, and some small part of you it gets your hopes up. Maybe not that you'll get her back, if you even want her, but that she is still pining for you in some way.

Since mine dumped me, I crave for her to show me that it all meant something to her, that I still mean something to her. It's very ego bruising that I think about her all day, and based on the communication I get from her, it seems like I am a passing thought for her once a week. This is someone that used to text me 25+ times a day if we weren't together

[Infern0]

Yeah same here with the texting,  it used to be like 50 times a day from morning to night if we were apart.

Now it's yeah once a week I get 4 or 5 messages and then she just drops out of the convo.  I don't double text anymore I'm not going to fight to keep her talking to me. I don't know why I have any contact at all. Well it was her who broke no contact.  For me it's about not quite being ready to let go yet. I know I will have to,  but I'm not ready as much as I'd like to be.

It's not nice I guess. It's kind of sad to think things will never go back to the old ways,  even though it wasn't real and was in fact unhealthy,  it was intoxicating and I had the best times with her.

Hmm

[tim_tom]

Yeah same here with the texting,  it used to be like 50 times a day from morning to night if we were apart.

Now it's yeah once a week I get 4 or 5 messages and then she just drops out of the convo.  I don't double text anymore I'm not going to fight to keep her talking to me.

It's not nice I guess. It's kind of sad to think things will never go back to the old ways,  even though it wasn't real and was in fact unhealthy,  it was intoxicating and I had the best times with her.

Hmm

Yeah, the stinger is ... back when I was getting text bombed from her they where pretty annoying. Right about now I'd love to get 50 texts from her in a day... .Until i got her back, then it'd be annoying again...

Also burns me that some other guy is probably getting texted 25 times a day now

[Vatz]

Damn, man that's pretty rough.

I think part of it is sort of like a drug addict. When we see them, have any sort of contact we go back to that state where we feel good, for brief moments we can see how they were when they idealized us, or maybe a peaceful conversation has you thinking there's hope. But once you're no longer around them, it hits you hard that they're gone, that now maybe you pine for them  but it can't be, and if you got what you "wanted" you know that no good will come of it. Like a drug, you start coming down hard and withdrawals kick in again. Not sure if this describes you, but it's been my experience.

Usually best to go NC if you're not in an intimate relationship with them anymore, and there isn't anything else keeping you tethered. Leave it all be and carry on, life can be so much better than spending your energies on someone dysfunctional.

[freedom33]

Inferno - we started posting to these forums about the same time and have followed your posts. You sound like a guy who has a good handle on his situation and what needs doing. No Contact is the only way out of this. The heroin addict doesn't quit heroin by bargaining on the quantity. No negotiation and no contact is the way forward. It has been really tough for me but as I am in the 5th week of NC now I can tell you that I have never felt better for over a year now. I have resisted her ruthless efforts to break contact - and each time I achieved it the stronger I felt and could do it again and again and each time was easier. Now I can start feeling my balls again. With her I had forgotten how it was to be me. It's like I found my long lost best friend... .Trust me it is worth it and IT DOES GET BETTER!

[Infern0]

Inferno - we started posting to these forums about the same time and have followed your posts. You sound like a guy who has a good handle on his situation and what needs doing. No Contact is the only way out of this. The heroin addict doesn't quit heroin by bargaining on the quantity. No negotiation and no contact is the way forward. It has been really tough for me but as I am in the 5th week of NC now I can tell you that I have never felt better for over a year now. With her I had forgotten how it was to be me. It's like I found my long lost best friend... .Trust me it is worth it and IT DOES GET BETTER!

It's harder for me because I have to deal with her in the workplace.  She begun acting out and getting very upset that I would not talk to her even though she said she hated me and never wanted to speak to me again.  One day she flipped and wanted to talk to me and started crying because I wouldn't talk to her.

Well for my jobs sake I talked to her and have been pleasent LC since then. But just from some of our conversations I'm sniffing a recycle attempt is incoming.  She seems to be reidealizing me and I know what's happening but it's still not easy.

I feel I may need to find a new job

[freedom33]

I also worked in the same company as her.  I submitted my resignation and she submitted hers a week later - I think she felt that I was abandoning her so she had to go for it too.

At any rate, now I have set up my own business and things are looking up. One door closes another opens. Maybe an opportunity to make a radical change. Who knows? Maybe the BPD can offer you an unexpected gift inadveredly.

At the end of the day job, money all of that stuff can be earned again. Your own well being and your life is are the things that matter.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

At the end of the day job, money all of that stuff can be earned again. Your own well being and your life is are the things that matter.

Amen brother. All the riches in the world cant buy you peace of mind.

[Mr Hollande]

F33's idea of perhaps changing jobs isn't a bad one at all. I recently transferred within my organisation and while there were 2 individuals I hate with a vengeance in the old place I came fresh to this new branch. No bad blood, no history and no stagnation. Plus the new guys turned out to be a very helpful and welcoming. It's one of the best things that's happened to me in a long time. I realise how much I hated going to the old place. Mostly because the toxic relationship with the two mentioned individuals. The relief of not having to face them again can't be emphasized enough. But that's nothing what it must be to work in the same place as your BPD ex. You are certainly tougher than me being able to handle that.

[Hopeless777]

I had to see her today as I was being deposed and she "had" to be there. I kept it together over three hours of grilling. I made the hour commute to my home. Ate dinner, and collapsed sobbing. 28 years, two children, and this is what life has come to. I feel destroyed.

[Mr Hollande]

I sorry to hear that chief. I can't even begin to imagine what that must have been like. Well done for keeping it together. That must have taken super human strength.

[Hopeless777]

I sorry to hear that chief. I can't even begin to imagine what that must have been like. Well done for keeping it together. That must have taken super human strength.

It was actually almost an out of body experience. I knew I was there answering questions, even looking straight at her, but it was like I didn't really see her, just a body. I mean this is the mother of my children and expected to die in old age with her. But I saw nothing... .but then feel apart at home. I'm really messed up I think.

[freedom33]

You did well man. 28 years. You are a veteran and legend in the BPD book. I can't imagine how much strength it was needed to keep it all together for so long. Just a year here and almost had a nervous breakdown.

Hang in there - it will all get better from here.

[camuse]

28 years, I salute you. Can't imagine what that must be like. 2 years here, and took me right to the edge. 28 years!

[Infern0]

6 months almost put me under