my hubris in relation to BPD

[kc sunshine]

I can't believe I thought I was a match for BPD! Admittedly, I didn't know much about it, but still I don't know why I thought my relationship with my dBPDex would be different from her others. She told me all about the dysfunction and that it has destroyed every relationship she's been a part of, but I naively thought that we could keep it within bounds (take time outs when it started to rear its head, etc) or that I could love it as well. I can see now I had lots of hubris and really I was no match for it-- especially when it hurled its most destructive weapon at me, being painted black. Man, what a rough disorder.

[Infern0]

I feel the exact same way. It's even worse because we go in blind,  not even knowing there is such a thing as BPD.

Mine actually asked me once near the start "but how would you handle it if I woke up one morning and told you I hated you"

I knew she had issues at this point but that barely even registered and I just laughed it off.

Blindly, into the abyss

[tim_tom]

Signed. Heck, part of me still thinks I can conquer this and free her from her demons. Gotta a little bit of the old white knight in me

My T just sat there shaking her head no at me the whole time I talked

What if I gave her everything she wanted, wouldn't she run out of things to complain about?

What if I told her I understand and validated her when acting out, wouldn't that lessen it?


Essentially, she said even if I could make it manageable, and I couldn't,  is that really how I want to live my life, "managing" a child in an adults body?

[Infern0]

Tim Tom

That part of me that also says maybe if she comes back i could make it work. I'm trying to shake it but it comes in waves.  It's doing me serious damage.

[tim_tom]

Tim Tom

That part of me that also says maybe if she comes back i could make it work. I'm trying to shake it but it comes in waves.  It's doing me serious damage.

Word... My T says it's causing me to sit on the fence rather then moving forward. In my case, I am painted the darkest black and don't even have the option of going back, yet I still sit here and think about what I will do differently if she comes back. Make no mistake, a big part of me knows it's a bad idea and doesn't want her back, but it's at war with this other part... .frankly it's the part of me who refuses to believe the "love of my life, soulmate" stuff was a symptom of the disorder... It wasn't a disorder for me. I still feel it. Never loved anyone more

[kc sunshine]

I totally agree with you both-- it is so hard not to think we could do things differently and it would be different. For me, my mind goes to "if only I had known about the SET communication tools-- maybe I should learn those just in case." Aaargh, hopefully this fence-sitting will pass (and what the heck, learning the SET tools might be useful anyway for dealing with difficult situations). 

[tim_tom]

I totally agree with you both-- it is so hard not to think we could do things differently and it would be different. For me, my mind goes to "if only I had known about the SET communication tools-- maybe I should learn those just in case." Aaargh, hopefully this fence-sitting will pass (and what the heck, learning the SET tools might be useful anyway for dealing with difficult situations). 

Well, I made another thread on this topic, but essentially I am told that borderlines are the most difficult patient to treat. Mine will only take 2 per time, practice rule. That it takes 1 year of DBT, a 24 hr hotline and a team of people before progress is made. She basically said, I stood no chance

My best friend had an encounter with a BPD women, his therapist said similar and her strategy is basically she tells them what they don't want to hear... their own responsibility, and they all leave therapy quickly. I guess it's her way of weeding them out, and the ones that stay really recognize there's a problem and want to address

[kc sunshine]

One of the things that I thought was that if she would stop drinking things would be better. She didn't drink that much-- maybe a beer or a glass of wine at night (and then sometimes more on the weekends) but when she did, watch out. She said that it didn't matter if she had a drink or not, the disorder was still there, but I felt the difference. I thought that stopping the drinking would be low hanging fruit, but it turned out she couldn't/wouldn't stop. And it left me feeling like I was being controlling (which I probably was  :'( ) Did you all have any experience with this?

[tim_tom]

One of the things that I thought was that if she would stop drinking things would be better. She didn't drink that much-- maybe a beer or a glass of wine at night (and then sometimes more on the weekends) but when she did, watch out. She said that it didn't matter if she had a drink or not, the disorder was still there, but I felt the difference. I thought that stopping the drinking would be low hanging fruit, but it turned out she couldn't/wouldn't stop. And it left me feeling like I was being controlling (which I probably was  :'( ) Did you all have any experience with this?

Mine drank every night, but only a glass or two of wine... I drank with her, and drank a lot more typically. Not good for me

My BPD impulsiveness was shopping/buying things. In the 12 months we lived together we did the following, all over $250, most over $1000 and some as high as 10,000

1) New high end outdoor grill

2) New granite counters and tile backsplash for kitchen

3) New kitchen table

4) Outdoor Firepit

5) Teak outdoor dining set

6) Outdoor rug

7) Refinished bedroom furniture +  new hardware

8) New LED tv and professionally installed  wall mount

9) New macbook +  flat screen monitor (almost never used monitor)

10) Photo printer with years supply of stock and ink (never used)

11) Latest Iphone

12) New dining room set and accompanying serving table

13) Refinished basement

14) Painted most of house

15) New light fixtures/fans, curtains

16) Re landscaped the front and back yard, laid river stone and mulches down, removed trees and bushes, put in outdoor lighting

17) Planted a Pear tree

18) Built an outdoor garden

19) outdoor pet fence for her 2 dos

this is all i can remember right now, although I am sure there is more, and easily come to over 100k, possibly as high as 150k, not to mention eating out 5-6 times a week, 2 vacations, (she went on another 3 vacations that her dad paid for, and I refused to let him pay for me)

We also had a contract on an 850k dollar house that I paid 1500 to get inspected, only to have the deal die because of a mold issue. Oh, and she wanted to buy (and had me look into) a food truck, a bagel store, a cafe, a diner, started an internet business on my dime that she dropped, a blog she also dropped

The last 2 months she had the following things on her list, some of which i was pushing back against

--Refinish kitchen cabinets and downstairs bathroom

--Master bathroom major remodel

--2 horses that were free, but paying to board feed them was 800 a month

--Refinish/Replace hardwood floors downstairs

--New living room and family room couchs

--an 80k Range Rover, I was trying to get her to settle for something in the 40k range

--New bikes for us

--A 25k wedding ring

--Refinish the hardwood beams and doors and fireplace mantle in the living room

--Redo my kids rooms

-- Restain outdoor deck

When she left, was just after having torn apart my family room and guest bathroom for minor remodel, i still have not put back together, the upstairs bathroom has walls painted in primer, the cabinets and everything were taken down, I have no idea where the hardware is... All of the decor was tossed

Bear in mind, this is the same person that badgered me to take a highly stressful new job cause it meant more money... The longer hours, travel and stress of which impacted our relationship negatively. Who now completely denies she wanted me to take the job, or that she cared at all about money. It was all me! It's maddening...

Sorry for the length, but once I started typing it out and thinking about it, it became therapeutic

[freedom33]

Essentially, she said even if I could make it manageable, and I couldn't,  is that really how I want to live my life, "managing" a child in an adults body?

You T is right. During the last few months in our rs I had my side of the deal under control and things were a little better.  The secret? Detachment. Don't complain, or explain (Don't JADE as they say here in BPD family), set boundaries, be firm and in charge of myself and mind my own business. The only way to be with her was to not be with her - not to be attached to her or expect things that I 'd normally expect from an equal adult relationship. Basically detach. This approach worked. No crazy arguments, she was behaving relatively within reason things were kind of working out, or at least not impacting me as much.

But then I asked the question. Is this is how I want to live my life? If I had kids with her I 'd consider it but she was just my gf. So I started getting cold to the whole idea and I finished things over a minor incident that I can't even remember what it was. So either way, I am glad that I am out.

I think the fact that I managed to control the situation and make things somewhat work was the same thing that paradoxically gave me the strength to end things. This also points to the fact that perhaps my motives and infatuation/obsession with her during this relationship wasn't entirely pure / knight in shiny armour / selfless sort of thing but include an element of an ego trip as well.

[Mr Hollande]

I can't believe I thought I was a match for BPD! Admittedly, I didn't know much about it, but still I don't know why I thought my relationship with my dBPDex would be different from her others. She told me all about the dysfunction and that it has destroyed every relationship she's been a part of, but I naively thought that we could keep it within bounds (take time outs when it started to rear its head, etc) or that I could love it as well. I can see now I had lots of hubris and really I was no match for it-- especially when it hurled its most destructive weapon at me, being painted black. Man, what a rough disorder.

Yep. Guilty as charged your honour!

[Blimblam]

They have mastered a series of expressions that trigger is to identify with exactly how we would like to see ourselves. This triggers is to project onto them our light. They identify with this light and mirror it back at us. This process is intoxicating and the fog begins.

[Hopeless777]

Essentially, she said even if I could make it manageable, and I couldn't,  is that really how I want to live my life, "managing" a child in an adults body?

You T is right. During the last few months in our rs I had my side of the deal under control and things were a little better.  The secret? Detachment. Don't complain, or explain (Don't JADE as they say here in BPD family), set boundaries, be firm and in charge of myself and mind my own business. The only way to be with her was to not be with her - not to be attached to her or expect things that I 'd normally expect from an equal adult relationship. Basically detach. This approach worked. No crazy arguments, she was behaving relatively within reason things were kind of working out, or at least not impacting me as much.

But then I asked the question. Is this is how I want to live my life? If I had kids with her I 'd consider it but she was just my gf. So I started getting cold to the whole idea and I finished things over a minor incident that I can't even remember what it was. So either way, I am glad that I am out.

I think the fact that I managed to control the situation and make things somewhat work was the same thing that paradoxically gave me the strength to end things. This also points to the fact that perhaps my motives and infatuation/obsession with her during this relationship wasn't entirely pure / knight in shiny armour / selfless sort of thing but include an element of an ego trip as well.

I tried the SET... .not a chance. Detach while living in the same house? Mine was arrested for DV on me. I had to sleep with one eye open, when I was sleeping in the same bed with her. She is insane. It would have been about one more week until she threw herself down the stairs and called the police to say I assaulted her. She often threatened to call them and say I tried to rape her when she was dysfunctional. Needless to say I got my stuff together and RAN. 28 year relationship gone forever. I've been changed forever as well.

[PhoenixBlack]

In my case, I am painted the darkest black and don't even have the option of going back, yet I still sit here and think about what I will do differently if she comes back. Make no mistake, a big part of me knows it's a bad idea and doesn't want her back, but it's at war with this other part... .frankly it's the part of me who refuses to believe the "love of my life, soulmate" stuff was a symptom of the disorder... It wasn't a disorder for me. I still feel it. Never loved anyone more

I could have written these exact words :\